Oatmeal Recipes I Created

For me, there is nothing better for breakfast than a hot bowl of oatmeal and an Irish Coffee. But I usually skip the Irish Coffee and just do what I can with the oat's bowl. And after years of eating it almost daily I had to really get beyond the packets and buckets of boredom. Oatmeal is so versatile as a food, it's great to play a bit with it and see where it takes you and which of your crevices you find it in. It's got fiber, protein, healthy fats, and helps burn your cholesterol count down. So enjoy it if you are doin' carbs, because it'll keep you full and happy for a few hours before your boss even knows you smell of wine.

Here are some recipes I have come up with over the years to keep me interested in this breakfast of champ'ons.

* I usually use quick-cooking oats, though you can use oat bran, oat groats, rolled oats, or any of the grain cereals. If you do, write a blog about it and let me know.

Anti-Ox Powerhouse (a.k.a. The Cookie In A Bowl)

• 1/2 cup Oatmeal
• 3/4 cup green tea
• 2 Tbsp Almond, Soy, Rice Milk
• Pinch of salt (optional)
• Cinnamon to taste
  
• 1/4 cup dried blueberries or cranberries
• 2 Tbsp dark chocolate chips (60%)
• 2 Tsp flax seeds (optional) OR
• 1 Tbsp almond butter or peanut butter

Mix the first 2 ingredients and microwave about 1min-20sec. Don't let it go too long.
Throw in the berries, stir.
Top with the ChocoChips and Seeds or Nut's Butter.

Protein Pumper

• 1/2 cup Oatmeal
• 1 cup filtered water, or Soy/Almond/Rice milk, or cow's milk
  
• 1 beaten egg or 1/4 cup egg substitute
  
• Pinch of salt (optional)
• Cinnamon to taste
  
• 1-2 scoops of protein powder (Whey, Soy, Antelope, etc.)

Mix together all ingredients until liquid is floating a bit above the oatmeal. Add more liquid if you need to get there.
Microwave for 45 seconds, stir. Microwave for 1 minute.

Apple Pie Oatmeal

• 1/2 cup Oatmeal
• 3/4 cup Almond, Soy, Rice Milk
• 2 Tbsp cream or milk
  
• Pinch of salt (optional)
• Cinnamon to taste
• 1 Tbsp butter/margarine
• 1/2 apple of your liking, diced
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• 1Tbsp Brown sugar

Mix the first 5 ingredients together. Stir. Heat in microwave for 1min 3osec.
Heat a small fry or saute pan on medium heat. Add butter to pan. Let it melt completely and bubble a little. Add the apple, cinnamon, and brown sugar. Stir for 3minutes until apples are coated and the brown sugar has distributed its sweet load all over the fruit pieces.
Add apple incredibleness to the oatmeal. Email me your smiling face.

Butterscotch Oatmeal

• 1 cup oatmeal
• 1 package Butterscotch Oatmeal
• 2 cups milk

Combine, stir, microwave for 2 minutes. Let chill. It's weirdly delicious.

***Not responsible for any damage to colon, toilet, reputation, underpants, or kitchen.***

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

A Guide To Commenting On The Internet

The Internet is a dumping ground for many, many half-baked sketches, knock-offs, pervs, dorks, shitbags, dirtwads, buttwads, buttclods, fartknockers, seat-sniffers, and These Guys.
Does anybody know where this look launched from? It's the OiledCanvas, outback, Aussie Duster jacket and the hat combo, which has been made popular by both Dorks AAAAND Fatties for a few years now. I understand there's a certain "Drifting Highwayman With No Home To Return To" vibe, but usually this guy's outside of a mall eating a corndog and reading a book with a dragon on the cover.
IF YOU KNOW, PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT MOVIE OR BOOK THIS LOOK CAME FROM.

Okay, see, right there I throw hate-sauce on a look I will never adopt from people I don't hang out with, who don't read this blog. So why do it?

Because it's what the best-smartest and great people do on the internet. See, when you get laid a lot, and have a lots of money its impornant to make sure you are telling people their wrong when you do'nt like something of there's. So heres how you do it. (Not sex, no, I will show you that at your moms house, LOL)

First, go to a sight like YouTube or a newspaper you read on line. There's a place there for you to sign up at. Like put in a name and stuff, so chose your name carefully. Make sure it says something about you and what your in to, but not your real name. Use something intimidating or from your hometown so people know where youre representing at. Or what football team you like because baseball is stupid.

And then you sign up and go around to whatever's on the websight. Like videos of comics, tell them their not funny. Don't say why it's not funny, neither. Leaving an explanation is'nt what your doing. See its like this that you are there to tell people to shut the hell up and stop clogging the internet with their crap. If they want help they can go to their moms when I'm not on top of her LMFAO. Who cares if your called an ass hole by some faygit?

What ever you do, though do'nt like make your own stuff and put it out. See your self as artist and not some faygit dorkass hole who puts all his own stuff out. People hate that shit, and the people you work with would be ideats all day at work and yo'ud never get any pizza made. So tell people 'YEAY YOU SUCK' and let 'em suck it when your moms not sucking it.



[dedicated to every negative comment-leaving person who actually takes time from their life to anonymously post a dead-end comment. If they ever ponder suicide, I hope to be there when their grandmother walks into the basement to find them hanging from a belt with a porn looping on their laptop screen over a game of World Of Warcraft. F*ck empathy, the world's too small, but I guess somebody has to abuse animals.]

Consumer's Report: Huggies, Discover Card

Hil
So, the Baby Guy has been pooping at what seems to be a world-class rate lately. Good, he should be, keep those pipes cleaned out. We bought a huge box of diapers at Costco, switching brands from Pampers to Huggies, as Costco doesn't carry Pampers.

Huggies diapers, at least for our Junior Senator, seems to have an issue with "Back Fire" and "Side Peep." He's had more up-the-back sharts and nap-created side-peepage than ever in Pampers. So we'll make sure we secure them properly and if it doesn't change, I'll make sure Huggies gets a letter. And I'll post that here.

Also, Discover card is adamant about calling a few times a week to make sure I am all protected against ID theft and taking full advantage of their protection features and wants to protect me from not having protection. Good. Because I feel like they're gonna screw me.

Why call somebody at home with a rambling, super-fast-paced spiel about how I need to be sure I'm taking advantage of their tools to track fraudulent use of my account when...
IF I SAY NO, THE KID COULD USE MY ACCOUNT TO ORDER HIS REALDOLL...

but I wouldn't know about it because, AH DARN... I didn't take advantage of their plan?

I Have To Be Honest-er. More Honest. For Real.

I admit to rarely watching any other comedians that are Big Names, in hopes that I don't become too influenced by their style, tone, or themes. After watching Marc Maron last night, I found myself wandering the halls of my mind looking for doors I have yet to open, for whatever reasons.

"If you're talented and you're not successful, there may be something inside you
that is keeping you from being successful, and sadly, it might be your talent."

A facet of provocative, memorable creativity is to be freed by it, both in expressing it and taking it in. The same can be said of kissing. And a number of other things that you'll have to go to a different website to peruse... Ew.

Marc Maron's willingness to express parts of his life is more than comedic; it's cathartic, cauterizing, and non-caloric. It certainly was inspiring to hear what he talks about, from his (dis)abilities with relationships, his pet choice being cats, and Consciousness On All Levels being the number one enemy to Happiness. And he calls himself out as his own worst enemy on a moment-to-moment basis. That's the beauty. Nobody's innocent, especially the one meting out the punishment.

I guess it's a reminder that I have plenty to draw from in my life for comedy, but to make it Funny for a stage could take time. Perhaps it's not stage-ready and could be a blog or five. Feeling one way or another is what sparks the M-80 before I cram it into a slingshot. If I don't care, I don't share. The same can be said of kissing. So my comedy is not totally unlike kissing, I guess. It comes from a place of emotion, sharing, passion, and uncontrolled intake of codeine cough syrup.

Why challenge my own status quo? Why work harder at anything? This whole idea of a goal being set and achieved is something I haven't done in a while. And that shit's gotta stop.

Or else I'll just open a cupcake boutique. Those are pretty popular.

You're Fat and Want To Get Skinny And Have Sex

I've got insider fat loss information for you today!  I have done this
program and it's only for people who HATE long cardio sessions.

Fat loss expert Craig Ballantyne researched his transformation
winners and have summarized their exact blueprint workout programs
for fat loss that they used to lose 10, 20, and even 34 pounds in
just 12 weeks.

Let's start with Catherine, one of the most famous TT transformation
superstars, here are the 3 programs she used over the 12 weeks:

1) Turbulence Training for Abs
2) TT Buff Dudes-Hot Chicks
3) TT for Amazing Lower Abs

NOTE: The most popular program used by contest winners was the TT
for Buff Dudes & Hot Chicks.

And that program was the basis for the new "TT Transformation"
workout that was made available yesterday to all TT Members - and
you'll get this new "TT Transformation" workout when you take the
21-day Turbulence Training trial offer today:

=> ARE YOU READY TO GET FIT, THIN, AND "ACTION"?

Next up, let's look at what Guttorm - the Norwegian contest winner -
used to kick-start his life change. You'll notice that he actually
followed the Turbulence Training for Fat Loss manual "by the book",
in the exact order the programs are listed.

1) Beginner Turbulence Training
2) Intermediate Turbulence Training
3) Original Turbulence Training

There's something to be said for simplicity. Sticking to the basics
works.

In fact, that's what Jonny Munro did to win contest #3. He used the
same order of TT workouts:

1) Beginner
2) Intermediate
3) Original

Now if you want a little more muscle, here's a cool "Meathead
Transformation" system to follow, PROVEN by Mike Gaglione:

1) Reformed Meathead Fat Loss
2) TT Hard-Core
3) TT for Buff Dudes & Hot Chicks (again!)

Now let's take a look at the two folks who lost over 30 pounds in
Transformation #3.

First, you shouldn't be surprised by the three workout series used
by Robyn - our reigning champ with 34 pounds lost! She used:

1) TT Beginner Level Workout - about 3 weeks
2) TT Intermediate Level Workout - almost 5 weeks
3) TT Buff Dudes, Hot Chicks Workout - about 4 weeks

How cool is that?!

Alright, so knowing what we know now...what "progression" should
beginners and advanced folks use?

Its simple...here we go.

For beginners, do what Robyn did but with a slight TWIST:

1) TT Beginner Total Torso Training (January 2010 workout)
2) Intermediate Turbulence Training
3) TT for Buff Dudes & Hot Chicks

Spend 4 weeks in each program. You should lose over 20 pounds and
you'll look totally freaking AMAZING in 12 weeks from now.

For ADVANCED folks, here is the absolute best 3-program progression
that is your blueprint for radically transforming your body:

1) TT Hard-Core (June 2006 workout)
2) TT for Buff Dudes & Hot Chicks (February 2009)
3) TT Transformation (January 2010)

Remember:
The NEW "TT Transformation" workout is based on TT for Buff Dudes
and Hot Chicks, which is clearly the MOST POPULAR program among our
contest winners.

So you know that TT Transformation is going to be an amazing workout.

You'll get this new "TT Transformation" workout when you take the
21-day Turbulence Training trial offer today:

=> DO THIS NOW AND IN 60 DAYS YOU'LL BE HAPPIER AND SEXIER

Now that you have a complete blueprint for fat loss success, its
just a matter of time before you are lean and fit - and maybe even
the winner of the TT transformation contest!

Your friend,

Geoff Lott

Workin' Out

It's been well over a year since I last swung a picture badge past a security box to enter a building. During an interview last year in California, a young recruiter was confounded that I had not been employed for over 5 months. Her exact question was...

"I notice, like... quite a gap in your employment here. What happened with that?"

I won't read into what EXACTLY she was getting at, because I'm likely too smart to be able to. Her tone wasn't one of earnest discovery as much as accusatory anticipation. BUT, I think what she meant was "Why aren't you working when it appears that you (me) had a great job with AT&T?"

There are a few ways to answer this, but only 2 true ones. If you want to know them, you have to either be interviewing me or a dear friend. The casual conversation may only be bogged down while you wait on that $1 worth of a $5 sandwich comin' through the broiler. So, the WHY and WHAT of my employment gap is for me to know and for you to offer me the chance to show you why I'm a great hire to find out. For the record, I was not fired from my position with AT&T. I haven't been fired from a job since college, and it was completely the right thing to do, because nobody's going to believe you when the other guy in the clown suit has a bloody nose and won't stop crying.

Let's not forget that a LOT of very smart, capable, and considerably less-handsome people have been out of work for quite some time due to A MASSIVE ECONOMIC DUMP taken under the guise of "bad lending practices." Lest we forget, there are plug-ins and WiFi capabilities in any number of COFFEE SHOPS within a few miles of your home, 12-step meeting, dog's groomer, and office. How did we ever lose productivity? That's a question to post on your FaceBook profile, I s'pose.

And what transpired between the day I left until now, where the "gap" could have been filled in with money and $ecurity and routine the ribaldry of "Employee Recognition Day: You Work Here, Right? Have A Muffin!" , well... like, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

But seriously, somebody's about to hire a freakishly capable Business Analyst. Like... yeah.

Craigslist Post Of A Loser's Financial Decisions

This reads like somebody got a hold of some credit cards before the ability to understand "Priority" over "Appearances." The stuff's too current to have been a death, unless the Russian Mafia made a call to the apartment.

HOLARIOUSLY ridiculous:

Estate sale All must go now! (east everett)

65 inch big screen with remote 2004 edition like new (NO WAY IS THIS LCD, ENJOY THE TUBE)
2009 blue pocket rocket mini bike (NECESSARY FOR CLOWN COLLEGE)
NBA hardwood heroes 2005 medallion collection unopened mint (OH GOOD, WE FOUND THE GUY WHO BOUGHT ONE)
2 small IKEA adjustable stools (SKIMPED ON THE STOOLS?)
a easton rampage baseball bat aluminum (USED ONLY TO HIT PINECONES AND M-80'S)
nice sunbeam heater (FOR WHEN THEY SHUT THE GAS OFF)
Gold seiko chronometer watch like new (HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT A CHRONOMETER IS)
a very nice prada handbag like new (SWAP-MEET, ANYBODY?)
air assault rifle with matching air pistol (TO USE FOR CLOWN MOTORCYCLE RIDE-BY STAININGS)
24 car opened hot wheel collection (EITHER A SAD MAN, OR A VERY SAD BOY)
3 differant sets of curtains (EMILE DIFFERANT DESIGNS CURTAINS?)
gameboy sp advance with case and 13 games (I'M THINKING THERE'S NOT A LOT OF SEX HERE)
magellon 40/40 maestro navigation system new and in box (STOLEN FROM WORK)
black leather sofa and love seat (OKAY, THIS VIBE IS OFFICIAL)
576 opened but nice hott wheels (250 cash for all or 1 each) (A COLLEC-TOR!)
JVC home stereo system in rack with digital receiver ,200 disc player,deck,18 speakers including 4 15 inch wooffers with remotes (HEY GUYS, COME OVER AND LOOK AT MY HOTT WHEELSS WHILE WE LISTEN TO SOME GENESIS)
versace 1 0f a kind 24kt gold sunglasses (I SMELL EASTERN BLOC)
matching red chairs from dania (AND DRAKKAR)
a red desk chair (AND CHLOROFORM)
a white computer desk (AND COCAINE)
cafe table with matching barstools (AND AMARETTO)
tons of sports memorabillia, autos,figurines,game worn ,franklin mint ,cartwright collectables etc... (BUT NOTHING FEMALE)
lots of DVDs and CDs (MOSTLY PORN AND PORN SOUNDTRACKS)
lots of valuable books (NOTHING ON FINANCIAL PLANNING)
a color tv with built in dvd player and remote (FOR THE MAN-CAVE COVERED IN HOTT WHILLSS TO WATCH PR0N ON)
black leather recliner (FOR WATCHING PORN IN)
ipod nano cases (iPOD NANO NOT INCLUDED, STOLEN FROM WORK)
JL Audio 500w amp 2 JL Audio Subwoofers in a custom car toys box new with receipts for 1,900. will take best cash offer (TRADED FOR COCAINE)
raingear (FOR OUTDOOR SLEEPING... ON SECOND THOUGHT...)(
a brand new mens leather jacket (OH YEAH, THIS GUY'S SEEN SOME HOMEMADE VODKA HALLUCINATIONS)
franklin mint gold plates shaquell oneal and michael Jordan (SHITTINGS ME YOU MUST)
wood tv cart (TO WHEEL AROUND THE PR0N TV)
Nokia cell phone and charger (FOUND)
a nice boys scooter blue
golf clubs set
6 foot ladder
electric leaf blower (TRADED FOR SOME VITAMIN-K)
Piece of a Barry Bonds home run ball framed (PIECE? GOOD ENOUGH, WHERE DO I PAY?)
a car vac that plugs into you lighter new in box (TO FIND THE COKE IN THE BIMMER)
a auto detailing kit (NEVER GOT THIS BUSINESS OFF THE GROUND)
a vintage celtic jewelry box (YOU KNOW THESE ARE HARD TO FIND THESE DAYS)
much much more
===========
I am sorry I missed this sale before the "accidental fire."

Eatin' Out - BrownBag Café - Not a Frittata

Kirkland's famous - and famously packed - BrownBag Cafe is a hub of breakfast dining. Breakfast is served while it's open, which is for the daylight hours. They have SUPERIOR baked items, using their breads, rolls, cinnamon rolls, etc. in each of their dishes that call for it.

But something's seriously awry with their egg maker.
Seriously.

Today we went in for some late fastbreaking. Parking lot crammed-packed like The King's death colon. But worse. The next-door Shari's must feel like a blind spot. But it likely gets overflow from those who won't wait the 20+min for BrownBag's deliciousness...

But today... oh boy... uh...
Yeah, I try and get lowest-carb that I can, when I can. Higher protein, throw in some veggies and I'm happy. Intrigued by the Tomato& Avocado Frittata, I steered from my craving for the Fruit Omelet. Don't cuss it down, the Fruit Omelet is a sweet, savory egg party I'm all-for. But I was dumb and listened to my wife about what SHE wanted to try some of, and got the Frittata, which still sounded good.

It wasn't. A Frittata looks like this:
Heat the ingredients, throw the eggs in with those, stir a little, top with cheese, broil, BOOM...

FRITTATA

I was handed a scrambled egg topped with 1/4 a sliced avocado on top of enough room-temperature 1/4-inch-diced tomatoes to start a street-fair Salsa Kiosk. There may have been some dill havarti wiped on it, also. This is a VERY simple dish to create, and apparently, get wrong with a lazy sous chef in a hopping kitchen.

Thumbs-up for the BrownBag Cafe. They have great food, 95% of the time. Not everything's gonna be a home run, fair enough.
Stay away from any Frittata. Omelets rule (Fruit, or Spinach-Bacon-Mushroom).

And, as a man, I'd like to thank whomever is hiring the serving staff.

Still no excuse for F'ing the Frittata. NADA FRITTATA, just food pile.

My wife took one bite and said "Eh, you're right, there's nothing there." Oh good. It's nice to know we can agree that I got breakfast-screwed.

Tomato-Avocado Frittata = No.

Customer Behavior & Some Muppet Trivia

Okay, one more time...
If you're in a grocery store, and you wonder if I am near you, and your nose is stuffed up...

Just walk away from your shopping cart. Leave it in the middle of an aisle for 10 seconds.

If you come back and there's a very expensive item buried in the middle of your stuff, then YES...
I'm near-by.

Twice today I hit a woman's cart at TJ's with an $8 baked brie because she was leaving her cart behind like it was her kid and she was an NBA power forward. Twice because she found the brie on the first drop and looked all over to figure out how it got there. Next time, welllllp... she may be wondering if there's a Brie Faerie at the Totem Lake Trader Joe's.

There is... and it's me.

AAAAAAAAAAnd... some Muppet Trivia!
How did Fozzie Bear learn to drive?

Finally... there are some changes coming to my on-line presence. For my readers, PLEASE keep reading. READ READ READ, we haven't enough reading readers.
For everyone else... you'll get what's coming to you, too.

Choose Funny. Explanation to follow.

Comedy Dates Update!

I want to extend a hearty, well-oiled, work-appropriate "Thank You" to each and every 9 of you who are asking when my next show is going to be. I feel bad that many of you have told me that you're going to be at a show and then I get there and I think "I must have told them the wrong place or time 14 times because you/they aren't there/here!" Sooooo...

Here is what my comedy schedule will be all about in the foreseeable future!

Jan. 21 - Thursday, 9pm, Owl N Thistle, Seattle - 808 Post Ave - Headlining in the bar I started my college drinking career in! COME SEE THE MAGIC!

Jan. 22 & 23 - Friday & Saturday, 8pm & 10pm - LAUGHS COMEDY SPOT in Kirkland, Featuring For GREG BEHRENDT (Author of "He's Just Not That Into You", and a hilarious comedian!)

Jan. 27 - Thursday, 8pm - AMANDA KNOX Appeal Benefit Show - Comedy Underground, Seattle. $50, must purchase before show time! This is a great show and I'm honored to be part of it. 5 headliners for the price of 3!

Sooo, that's what's-what for January. I'll be in South King County rockin' some stages in February.

Until then, I have a baby boy making goat sounds, which means it's bath & jams time.

Choose Funny. Always.

Face The Challenge, Feel Twitter-pated

My wife has challenged me to not logon to FaceBook for one week, unless it is career-related, in pertaining to Comedy. This isn't that different than being asked to abstain from drinking unless it is a therapeutic dose. I'm accepting the challenge!

Starting Wednesday, January 6, 2009, I will stay off of FaceBook for ONE WEEK, 7 Calendar Days. In the meantime, if you have to get a hold of me, here's how:

1. Email. You can find this easily enough at my sadly decrepit website (my fault, not Blaine's).
2. Phone. When you need me for a gig, call me. Talk to me. Text is okay, if you're a half-assed, dead-eyed, free-drinking "booker"/ex-comic with a huge blindspot to your own life who likes to book shows 4 hours before they start, 75 miles away. Not that Douglas James is reading this (no computer). Or if you want to show me your new butt tatt.
   
3. House Call. If you don't know where I live, you didn't see any of the 308 postings for the condo we have returned to in Kirkland. Come on by and see me grinding me incisors down while trying to figure out the difference between the News and Live Feeds.

The upside is that I won't have to face a single application request from anybody. I feel like people are asking me to see their band at the Elks Lodge next week. Best of luck, but I'm not allowed in Kittitas County until May, 2011.

But I'll blog, and that will update my FaceBook status.
No TWITTER, either. Not that anybody was following me...

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

Daddy Issues #1 - The Conceptin'

While recently talking with an acquaintance (read: friendly, but not airport pick-up "friends") I mentioned that becoming a father at 35 afforded me a mindset of easily-focused priorities. Being in a large number of situations that demanded a type of "After School Special" reasoning, when not flipping a coin to see if I should trust my gut (always do) helped me bank experience I may have otherwise missed out on. When Graham comes to me one day to ask what he should do about a girl who seems to be really aloof, I can firmly tell him that she's carrying some issues with her dad and needs attention and to be chased, so the farther away from her he gets, the better. THEN... she'll come a-runnin'.

A lot of people who can barely manage their own lives, health, and finances are putting people on the earth every minute. A lot of folks who cannot - but want to - have children find themselves distraught over the inability to do so.

So if I'm getting pee'ed on, pooped at, thrown-upon, stared at, grumped about, or not getting validation of some sort from my 3 month-old son, I don't mind. I've worked with grown-ups who were less refined. It's still a blessing to have a healthy, happy, growing infant to care for. I'm not bringing a lot to the table just yet for him to really bond to. But we're liking our Dinosaur Flashcards, reading about Freight Trains, and listening to Classical Music while breaking down pass coverages and blitz packages to find hot routes in the empty zones. Kid can audible.

I know enough to know I don't know all I want to. But I'm not no dummy.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

2010 - The Year I Told You So

Why are we making resolutions?
A recent study by the American Institute of Studies & Results resulted in a study that showed Resolutions aren't as valuable as PRINCIPLES. My principles can't be broken. I have exhibited a certain "Principle Flexibility" from time to time, but NEVER have I gone so far as to call the police when it was something I could handle myself. Which is why I invested time and money into learning non-lethal trapping techniques.

But there are goals I do have for the year. Broken down to a smaller basis, it's more of a week-to-week thing for me. Listing them here would be silly, narcissistic, and dissipating of their energy. But when you see my new hairstyle, oh... you'll know we're on the Path, friends.

I see a change happening, however. It may be that I'm entrenched in my mid-30s with a warehouse of possibilities in front of me. But I do see more people extending small courtesies to each other. After a year in Los Angeles the opening of a door for a stranger there was met with a moment of pause as if their exit was to be met with a "LOOK AT MY SCRIPT!" Nothing seemed Free. Everybody expected somebody to want something from them. And guess what? KINDNESS IS FREE. Merging without a blinker, however, is for animal abusers.

2010 is going to be whatever you want it to be. Stop listening to reports of Economic Anemia, Stolen Organs, and Terror, Terror!, TERROR! Be the kind of Person you'd want to hang out with. Show Compassion. Let the Poo River flow under your Serenity Bridge. And stop reading "The Secret."



Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

What Are You Saying?

In the world of communication, getting your message across is as much WHAT you say as HOW you say it. In fact, the latter may be more important. For example, let's say you have an empty bottle, a full bladder, and a meeting. What makes more sense to say?

1) I'm going to fill my water bottle, use the restroom, and go to the meeting.
OR
2) I'm going to the meeting, after I use the restroom and fill my bottle.

Many, many, far-too-many people are clinically annoying in how they speak, and when they decide to pipe up. Read the comments section of any local news story in an on-line news site. The internet has given people who have - and some who have not - clamored for years to be heard! To be SEEN! To have their existence made known to dozens of strangers who will eventually refer to their FaceSpace profiles before hiring them and cause the hire-er to wonder "Who is this dipsh*t, and why are they always making hand gestures with the hand NOT holding a cocktail?"

I am always delving into my mind and the works of the great cartoonists to find new ways to speak, to communicate, to express what it is that buts a burr in my figurative butt.

So as we get closer to the end of your life, and mine, please take into account a few important quotes about speaking:

A wise man speaks because he has something to say; a fool because he has to say something. -Plato

That's all I ever needed to know.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

Interview Review

I had an interview yesterday for a job I think I'll be really great for. It's been a while since I had an in-person 'view, having a number of phoners and chit-chats in the past year. And the past year has been "interesting" in that "hey, that's an interesting choice of fishnet shorts, sir." Plus, the economy in California appears to be run entirely by mismanaged healthcare conglomerates and DirecTV.

So, from my interview yesterday there were a few areas I think I could have better-represented myself. In the event that the teammembers I talked with are reading my blog - yes, now and then a potential employer will check in on candidates to make sure they aren't leading their meat-alternative lifestyle in an overly-aggressive manner - HERE IS WHAT I MEANT TO TELL YOU when we spoke of these issues.

1) DEADLINES! You asked what I would do if a number of Exec's came to me with simultaneous requests and delivery times. What I really should have highlighted was that I would inquire among the team for bandwidth, as to who could help me out so I can properly deliver on the ask. And make sure I share credit across the board. I don't know why I said "Do a spit-take and flip the bird." That's ridiculous, and the wrong time to go for a laugh. The next day I would surely reward my teammates with cookies.

2) TIME ON THE JOB! I do feel I answered truthfully to the portion of why I hadn't been in a particular job for too long in the past 4 years. Working On-Contract in the Northwest is pretty common, and those contracts with some large software companies help ensure the employed aren't taken advantage of, nor get any real momentum nor continuity. Phew! And moving to (and back from) California is an experience I wouldn't trade for the world. But I also didn't really touch on the fact that I and my family are intent on remaining in the area for quite some time. I am attached to this area, want to raise a family here, have some goals about involvement in the community. Most importantly, my dreams are dead now, so that'll really be the compost to feed the roots taking hold here... yep.

3) PUBLIC KITCHEN USE! I'm no fan of any common area that allows a person to microwave any sort of fish meal. It's wrong. To keep that from happening, all of my meals will be eaten cold, at my desk, in under 12 minutes. AND I BRING IN COOKIES THAT THE TEAM GETS FIRST CRACK AT, before releasing broken ones to the vultures in the kitchen area. Real cookies. Chocolate-laden. None of that Raisin-chunk, store-bought Horse-S people try and pass off as a "friendship offering."

Okay, so hopefully they got all that. I'm a good hire, a good guy, and not involved in any Fantasy Sports this year. Bigger fish to scale. Let's do this, because I have the skills, and a calendar with nothing on it until Memorial Day.

COOKIES.

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Be Your Own, Anonymous Person

Sure as I am that many articles, blogs, and pr0n-spam links have been made about this, I would like to weigh-in on an issue that affects us all when it comes to the use of the Internet.

Our Constitution (for Americans only, I hope) has a number of Amendments, which is to say, the first go-round didn't quite get it all. One of those Amendments is the First one. Luckily, it's the most important one in a society full of people who our Forefathers thought would be smarter than they are. It guarantees our Freedom to Speak, Print, and Worship. Not sure how those all tie in to each other, but ink was pricey then and if you can't tell somebody to read the Bible, what's the use of stealing one from a Hotel?

So we've got this far now into the Web2.0 thing, wherein WE are the contributors of content. This blog, that goat-fighting video, keyboard cat, CHICKEN TETRAZZIIIINI, and your video that nobody was supposed to see.

Oh... who's a pretty little Thai Schoolgirl NOW?

And in the Cyberscape we can often become anybody we want to, and live anonymously, vicariously, and usually, slovenly. And we contribute what it is we (think?) the world wants to hear from us. Or, more narcisistically, what WE want the world to know about us. These plops fall into 5 categories:

1) Boring
2) Pointless
3) Profane
4) A link to some sort of hole
5) Something enraging the easily-enraged shut-in

So yeah, the 'nets full of nobodies. If I were really poppin', I wouldn't be cheek-liftin' blogs out this monster for nobody. Love for my readers, always always. But hey, if I had my druthers, I'd be inaccessible 40 weeks a year. Until then, send me a drink in MafiaWars. Nobody talks anymore...

To prove it, here's a cam pic of me writing this blog.

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Customer Disservice - DirecTV & Costco

Hey, DirecTV...
When your tech installs a dish outside of my neighbor's balcony, instead of on top of the building where we said it would go...
and I have to make 3 phone calls to get it fixed...
and the 3rd person tells me there's a fee...
for the F'up of one of your employees...

and you tell me that the fee is due to a "cosmetic change" instead of one where there's no signal...

I really think you should know that I'm going to tell everyone about it.
There are other options that don't require drilling into the roof and F'ing with my relationships in the neighborhood.

If you have any problems with DirecTV, you're not alone. They are saying there's a $50 fee to move the dish... in this weather, it's almost worth it. News as news warrants.

==========
Hey, Costco...

A few months ago I wrote about how some of your door-greetin', customer-countin' employees dissed me a bit. Hey, we all have bad days, but that's not how I would expect to be treated at a place that I HAVE TO PAY TO SHOP AT...
and I sent that letter to the Corporate Office...
and the Corporate Office had the local manager call me...
and the local manager had moved, so his replacement called me...
and the local replacement only kinda had an idea of what was going on...
and I recounted the incident with the local manager touching on the points that...
1) Many stores are discounting prices in this economy
2) Many stores don't have greeters to pay to act like they have actual power
3) I can go to many stores where I do NOT have to pay a membership fee and be treated just as poorly

and after recounting these for the local replacement manager, Costco, you'd be happy to know that he went the "EXTRA STEP!" or "Bulk Happy Purchase!"...

and agreed with me on all points.

Fantastic. I am happy to know that you know that we BOTH know you can do a better job.

And I apologize for thinking you'd be able to do any of the following to keep me from telling everyone about what you did...
1) Refund my membership fee and allow me to keep my membership. Perhaps you can't afford it. Not a lot of pallets of Pomegranate Acai Facial Beads moving right now.
2) Throw me a half-gross of diapers. Kid's poopin' his way into a community college.
3) Upgrade me to the Gold Star Corporate Early Entry SuperLube program.
4) My own sample station... nobody but I get to eat from it.

So, just some idears. Think it over next time somebody with nothing better to do may get shut down by your front line.
Costco CANNOT have the Basic members mingling with the reeeeally old people buying more food than they can finish, but will have plenty for the wake.

===================
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Blow Me Down

The Pacific Northwest has a broad spectrum of weather, getting both arms around - and both cheeks into - every season. Icy, snowy Springs. Sunny, drizzly Winters. Summers that last only 7 weeks but have temps in the low 100s. And the WIND, oh yes... Mother Nature's Howl.

Recently, while Wife and Son and I were in Culver City there was a really hefty wind-storm. Not a storm just by Los Angeles standards that gusted up to 18mph and threw cigarette ashes all over the back seat of the TT. The kind where, if you were walking home from the bus stop, your legs were being blown into each other and almost tripping you, and you freaked out because normally you can handle that much NightTrain on a 20minute bus ride. Also, you realized that the lights all along the block, up to the Lee SuperLiquor! bodega, were out. HEAVY BLOWIN'. (that oughtta get some more hits to the page)

Power was out for about 3 hours that night. We ordered Italian food from Ugo. It was quality bites. I highly recommend Sun-dried tomatoes and smoked mozzarella on a sammitch. The next day I was driving to work and was on Venice Blvd. A tree had been blown over in the wind, and the branches and leaves and top-half of the trunk were passed out... excuse me... flopped down into the far-left lane. A traffic cone had been placed 50 feet ahead of it to let people know, "YO... we'll get to it!"

The city of Los Angeles has red light cameras all over the place, but not enough to drive revenue from the incredible number of red-light runners (2-per, from my count). A 1-hour rain will flood the streets. The buckling roadways are ground-down and patched-over. Perfectly good comedians are getting shunned for spots at the A-clubs, while horrid hosts with barely 9 minutes of masturmaterial get half-hours on Comedy Central because of their management team. BAD, bad, bad infrastructure.

So that tree, the broken & blocking one, lay there for 2 days before somebody in a city truck came to get it. Sunny weather, clear skies, dry roads. No city utility worker available to clear the roadway. For 2 days.

Last night up on Juanita Drive & 163rd, a tree blew down and knocked power out to Juanita-like areas. The crews were up there this morning getting it handled.

4 weeks ago I had to call the city office in LA about a health inspection. I got a call back TODAY. Thank you, Los Angeles. You proved your point.



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Beggars Can't Be Choosers

FaceBook, Twitter, Blogs, MySpace, and the Taylor Swift FanFiction Forum... all of these are places for you to hang it out there. Call it "Social Networking." Call it "Vanity Web." Call it "Time Wasted." It's a self-paparazz'ing to show off what you gots to show... and it turns many of us into gawking lurkers from the privacy of our Snuggie.

You only have to give as much as you choose on these sites. You need not say everything. Better for you that you don't, unless you're trying to "create a buzz." At that point, fire away.

But do not say you're not going to be on FaceBook for a week while recovering from surgery, and then NOT tell everyone what you're going to have cut off and replaced with Stretch Armstrong doll. You can't ask for attention and then gripe about the kind of attention you get.

Follow me on Twitter at www.twitter.com/GLRules !

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Los Angeles Redux

You wanna know about LA?
You wanna get in the cage with the Beautiful Beast and throw elbows with love?
Do you have what it takes to hone your craft and watch some bimbo get a golden ticket and leapfrog over you because she's more marketable, and then she goes on the road for a year and all she can come up with is 8 new minutes on drinking?

EVERYTHING you need to know about Los Angeles in 2.5 minutes.





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