The Geoff Lott Rules Live Tour Of Comedy & Talking

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Thursday, July 31, 2008

A Traffic, Oil, And Giant Solution To Problems

My solution to traffic, fender-benders, the insurance industry, road rage, fat-cat oil company profiteers who can't drill in the Mexican Sea Gulf, drunk driving, that dipshit with the loud rap music stereo blasty-boom, people who demand you get out of their way because they are late for a latté, your impending short-comings due to underestimating the intense influence of a red-head, lowered Acuras driven by shit-head kids with no insurance crossing 4 lanes in 1/8 of a mile after merging, and Calvin peeing on a rival car makers.

(ahem)

Oh, and Nick Hogan.

Everybody would be in pods that have giant magnets in the front and back. Front magnets and rear magnets have opposite polarities, but all fronts have the same and and all rears have the same. See, that means you get close to, but not crash into, the other cars.




Then, the entire system runs on tracks that are magnetized, like those tracks that the bullet trains run on in Japan, Germany, and every other country we've kicked the S out of in a war. Losers better their positions, and the winners walk around making movies about our triumphs, that we have to drive to at $4.37 a gallon. Assclowns. And you zip right along, ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP. The track has magnets that switch polarities and zip you along quietly, with the only exhaust coming from Michael Savage.

THEN, you get in your pod, which would be like a comfortable little office or customized bathroom with a TV and WiFi connection and a place to "do business" and a boss-ass system. You punch in where you wanna go, hit the GO button, and you zip into the flow of traffic that is on the rail.

The rail system senses you coming in, and slows a car down a half-mile back, so you get right into where you fit best. NO MERGING. NO ASSFACE DISSING YOU FOR TRYING GET AHEAD OF THEM, HOW DARE YOU, SeatSniffer. And bingo, you're in the flow in a Merge/Purge lane.

Merge/Purge? That's the lane on the far right that goes about 15 M'sPH slower than the rest of traffic. You go there FIRST, then you get into traffic, and the lanes go faster depending on how far you have to go. If you're in it for the long haul, you get way to the left and zoom along at about 70-80 M'sPH. If you're heading to Trader Joe's, you get about 45 M'sPH, while finalizing your shopping list and talking to your therapist.

HANDS FREE, of course.
And I will still miss meetings because I'll leave the house 3/10ths of a second later than I ought to.

NO, this won't work, I know that.
Because we love our cars.
They give us the personality where our Personality should be.


And because people love being Tail-Gated by the... BITCH... who can't drive and talk at the same time and then acts like it's MY fault that she's gonna be late to work at the tanning salon. And it's not. It's her fault she can't keep her GPA up at a Vo-Tech.

And because the guy in the BMW M3 I see every day passing in school zones would have to develop a NEW skill to compensate for a flaccid personality. I wanna gutterball that doosh.

And because we love pulling to a red light, in the right-hand lane, and sitting behind the bootch who ain't seen that it's a RightTurnOnly lane, and there's no cross-traffic, so GO... GO AHEAD... go go go go go go GO GO GO GO GO GO GO... go. Please. Oh CheezIts Crepes, I'm going to push you into traffic. (yes, this happened today).

So anywho, that's just my suggestion. I think we're close to accepting the notions I proposed. However, until we find a way for people to be employed on the magnetic roads thing... I'll be cruising around town in a car not unlike the one seen below.

You know... for personality.



The great minds are all off-center, off-kilter, and need to be that way.
I'm changing the world. YOU change the lightbulbs.

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My Blog About My Dad

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Extreme Home Foreclosure

Check it...

Some folks in Georgia who had their home rebuilt and lives re-organized by the "Extreme Home Makeover" conglomerate of Sears, KMart, loving neighbors, and Ty Pennington's questionable construction skills, done-gone and got their house in Foreclosure.

See, they leveraged their house, which was fully donated to them after they pleaded for it, so's they could get a loan to start a construction business. $450,000. In a row.

See, when you're given THE... not "a" but THE... second chance of a lifetime to spring-board your entire family into the joys of middle-class living, you sit squarely on that donated, luxurious micro-suede armchair, pack on 14 pounds, and STOP TRYING TO DO THINGS YOUR WAY. It was YOUR WAY that got you into needing your life made-the-hell-over, sweetheart. You get fat, you go to Church, coach some tee-ball, and STOP TRYING TO EXCEL.

So now, these folks have to find a home like the one that was built for their family, specifically. Good luck. My heart goes out to them, because they're going to catch a ration of verbal outrage unseen since Jesse Jackson's home movies. But only up to the level of fairness.

It would be fantastically American to see them drive up to the Foreclosure finalizing in a relatively new, still-being-paid-on truck.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad