Projectile Misfunction

Sex. Well, here we go.

I get a ton of spam emails regarding all sorts of pills for what a money-hoarding pharmaceutical industry - most of it not in America, God Bless 'er - wants men to believe is a major problem with their boners. Their LovePiston. Penisaurus. WangDang Doodle.

You can't get it up RIGHT NOW. You need a boner NOW NOW NOW. It has to be a throbbing and huge and flexed like it's in a Mr. Olympia lineup. Veiny. Rock hard. Morning boners are another way that men know it's okay to get out of bed in the morning. As long as THAT thing's working, okay then, we have a baseline function.

Here's the deal; there are few moments in life, less than 2 hours a day usually, that you benefit from an erection. All other erections are shunned, shied away-from, angrily kicked-at, and/or Tasered. And even those reactions can lead to that boner's persistence. And yet, it's not when you needed it, so HMMPH, you have Erectile Dysfunction.

When a man is a young man, the erection is an uncontrollable manifestation. Blowing wind. Loose pants. Tight pants. Shorts. Jeans. A properly-positioned peach. The peek of underpants over the top of jeans. Walking too fast. Sitting too upright. Sit-ups. The neighbor's step-mom. The step-mom's ankle bracelet. A bike seat. You'd be amazed at what ingnites the loinfire of a young man.

Throughout the course of a night's sleep, the average man's penis becomes erect 11 times. This keeps things healthy and elastic. And confusing. Do you NEED to act upon each erection's annoucement? Probably shouldn't. So does this mean that your erection is dysfunctional, or that you're just not fully embracing your erection? Some day you won't be able to get them at all. Think of that. You'll get a LOT done

Perhaps you can't get an erection because your brain is communicating with the rest of your life, and you realize that you don't have to be led around by the lie that is a drunken fumbling-'round after a decent happy hour. You may have a committed relationship, and it's now about quality and not quantity. And perhaps it's THAT mentality that is wrong... use it when it's usable, word? Stamina at an older age, an issue? Well, yeah. Because there ARE THINGS TO DO. And because most of the sex is sober. SOBER, fully-present S E X. And you feel everything and that's gonna wind the clock faster.

Anyway, you and your penis - whatever capacity that penis is to you - are fine. Your overall health will affect your erection in more ways than you can imagine. And being turned on, MENTALLY, is a great way to achieve a cell-phone camera-worthy cock picture. Stop thinking it's all on you. Maybe your life isn't boner-worthy. Maybe you're not ready to have sex. Connect with your penis. You may need to be penetrated by your inner boner, and feel yourself satisifed with, you know, the weiner that is your spirit.

Or take a pill, I don't care. Just stop making it sound like you have to walk around with a boner to prove you can get a boner. This train is too small for that.

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MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT

Bus or Karma

Hey, just a note...

Aiesha Steward-Baker, the 16 year-old girl who got beat up in a bus tunnel earlier this year, was today sentenced to 15-36 weeks in a juvenile detention.

NO, not for getting her ass handed to her.

Instead, it was for an unrelated crime...
wherein she and another girl her age...

ASSAULTED A 50 YEAR-OLD WOMAN, beat her up, pulled hair from her head, and stole her purse and cell phone. She was arrested for this.

Then she was beaten in the bus tunnel.
So heads-up, folks.

Karma rides Metro.


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MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT

Eating Out: 2nd Hand Canlis

I've eaten at Canlis ONE TIME. It was ethereal. It is the Highest of Classes. It is expensive. It is worth it. Every moment from the valet to the final check to walking out with most of your understuff not exposed, worth every bit of the $190 I spent on appetizers.

Kidding. They don't have "appetizers," dirtload. Frigging great food. They do a few things and they do each of them perfectly +2 (including "surprise" and "butter.").

We have a "dress code" where I am consulting.
It basically can be summed up in these words:
"Don't wear jeans before Friday."

Not $180 jeans. Not $20 jeans. Not well-washed, properly-fit-to-flatter jeans. Not baggy jeans wit' yo ayass hanging 'bove da sagg. Nuh-uh. No jeans.

Cargo pants? Sure.
Luau shirt? Aloha.
Smell like a batting helmet? No problem.
Khakis that upon closer-look are denim? Okay, nobody's gonna tattle.
Utili-kilt? Evenutally I will find out.
Utility camping pants that zip-off above the knee to become shorts? YES.

This last choice was made by a guy who works as a database blah-blah and wears his beard and hair "unkempt." Skullet to a ponytail. Long beard. Usually eating loudly somewhere. Grumpy. In pants that could zzzzzoooooooeeep! into a pair of pasty leg-baring shorts in a heartbeat.

Long story short, the eye-test doesn't show him to be somebody who would saddle up at a 4-star restaurant long-known as THE 4-Star in Seattle (up there with Rover's) and settle into a well-versed meal. Yet he DID that over the weekend. Then walked around complaining to people all day about how expensive it is. And the service was bad. And how he felt uncomfortable.

You dine. You do not EAT. There is no GORGING. You ask for a wine suggestion if you're not sure. You don't point to the cheapest and say "THAT."

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him understand that not all horses should be drinking at that particular trough. High prices keep the riff-raff out. I'm sure a pair of well-pleated khakis and a shirt with long sleeves was in order. Now damnit, bring me my cheese stix.
I've been there. I knew what to expect. And I was half this guy's age. Sounds like he wasted his time and money. Next time, zip those pantlegs off and get you some food on a stick. Leave the dining to those who'd rather not see your skullet.

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