There was a time when I thought to myself, "there's no way he's going to make it to the next rooftop." He did, by the way. I still can't believe he did, but squirrels are very athletic, with high degrees of Athleticism, which is a word a sportscaster made up to sound as though he had a high level of intelligism.
Life, as I've learned, is not a lineal path from Point A (your mother's "baby garden") to Point B (3rd Grade) to Point C (Cryogenic Head Reanimation). Oh no, it's not. It's lot of twists and turns. Like a river, filled with some rocks, some rolls, some backfat, some babyPhat, and some bodies. And I'm the water. In MY life, I mean, I'm the water, you are your own water.
Whatever it is you're planning on doing, stop planning and start doing. PLanning is NOT work, mmkay? It's been documented frequently - and perhaps to my detriment - on how many issues I had in corporative Americanus. Meetings, for one, were rarely places that work got done. They usually set up other meetings because some dipshit who called the meeting "Necessary" didn't make it. Likely in another meeting about their love of eating crapwiches and mustard shakes.
I now embrace my personality and creativity. For a looooooooong time - longer for my teachers - I was told to sit on those things, take them outside, or disallow their development. Well, NOW, I get to use them as a way to make money. A lot of money, I hope. Money's just a tool to build other things with, don't frown upon my desire to prosper and develop a robot to crush the dreams of my foes. Both of them.
So whatever it is that feeds your Zen belly, get the heaping handfuls you want and cram them inna yo face. I, at times, have to remind myself that "this is water," for you D.F. Wallace fans, and that I'm where I'm s'posed to be at this point in life. No, the money's not rolling in right now. There aren't agents knocking at my door. I don't have a big deal to sign tomorrow morning. These aren't things to discourage me, however. These are MOTIVATORS. And if I do what I'm supposed to do, which is different for everyone, then it will happen. And if it doesn't, so help me Bob Bledsoe, I will call a meeting.
Take Me Home
My Blog About My Dad
Geoff Lott: Comedian, Writer, Philosoteur. I am here to amuse you, not entertain you. If not now, later. If not you, somebody else. If you can't laugh at yourself, that's just fine, too. I will do it for you.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Monday, November 03, 2008
My Issues With The Issues
This is how I think I feel about everything that's important.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Gay Marriage - Marriage between any two consenting adults deemed mentally competent should be legal. Marriage is a legally-recognized institution. Everyone should have equal pressure from their family and be made to feel like they are hideous freaks if not married by the age of 29. And they should not have open the backdoor of saying "Oh, we WOULD get married, but YOU won't let us!" I don't care what you do, when you do it, or how much it costs.
At the very least, incorporate. If you think the paperwork and inclusion in newspapers is what will solidify your relationship, have at 'er. Butch & Sundance were Partners. Lucy and Ricky were Spouses. Enyoy.
Apparently the Gay Community is unaware that, as tough as they've had it, they will NOT be discriminated against when getting their asses kicked by the Bride-to-Be who is ALSO trying to book the Atrium for the second Saturday in June. God be with you.
Legalizing Marijuana - Great idea. But you have to have a license to sell it, pay taxes on it, must be purchased from a licensed grower for re-sale, records kept of purchase and retail, and subject to the same scrutiny as all other vegitation that makes you happy. BUT... no retail outlets. Nope, the drug dealers already have this on lock-down, let 'em work. If it's shady, it's shady. Half the value in getting high is the feeling that you're gonna die during the transaction. And, like cigarettes, it cannot be smoked in public without heavy judgment/envy.
Prostitution - How is THIS illegal? Every other Westernized nation in the world has some sort of legalized hooking. Legalize, make the women... or men... register for a license. Prior to which, they must prove to be 18, have a GED, and (not "OR") submit to a drug test and blood test for STDs. Every 6 months, tested again. Run it outta yer single-wide like that day care that never got off the ground, lousy probation! Inspections by health inspectors! See, now you're generating JOBS AND REVENUE. Legalizing it won't drive people into hooking or looking any more than it already does. If a person wants to pay somebody to have sex with them, without hiding it as dinner and a few drinks, they should have the right to. And why subject women to the blathering of a crotch-hungry dude? Split the diff for $150, get under the bed like a good pig, and be on your way. SO UPTIGHT.
This also brings down the crime rates against women working in this line of work. They're doing it anyway. It's still a choice they have to make to go do it. Shouldn't be promoted as a viable one, mind you, but it sure as hell isn't stopping folks who need their urges fulfilled. It happens DAILY in various forms.
Seat Belt Laws - While these traffic stops do yield results in getting some thugs and felons on warrants, for the most part, it's a chicken-shit way for the cops to harrass unsafe people. It's a form of profiling, too. A GOOD ONE. You really want to make cars safe? NO SEATBELTS. Now who just slowed down 20MPH? Everybody, right. Now we're all driving around in loaded guns, makes you think before reaching for that text message, du'n't it?
Red Light Cameras - A camera? Chicken's PLOPS. You can't have ONE officer standing there pulling people off the road? MAKE IT NOW, IMMEDIATE, SPOT FOUL... you pay the fine or you get your car towed. OR, even better, do away with the camera, and put a gun turret in the camera box. Firing blanks, 99.8% of the time, but that sends a message at 240 rounds per second. To think it could have been avoided if only you hadn't hit that snooze alarm! Sorry for the .50 shell grazing your manifold.
Tax Increases On Douchenozzles, Asspleats, and Seatsniffers - Why are we taxing the wealthy when we should be taxing people who spend money poorly? $100, screen-printed t-shirt? 8.9% sales tax, and 4.1% Dunce Tax. Nice Ed Hardy tee, Yvgeny. Way to plan for retirement!
Axe Body Spray on the shopping list? How about upping the cost to about $100 a bottle? Sorry, now only for people who can afford it. And if you can afford Axe at that point, you aren't the kind of person who would wear it. I can't wear Axe BodySpritz, as I have a severe allergy to marketing. Axe, now in "Aggro Fingering" and " 'NO' Means 'Buy Her a Shot!' " scents.
Pooka Shell Necklaces should cost $500.
Male pinky rings? At 32? Just hitting the market at $2,000!
Perhaps it's a ploy of mine to drive the individuality out of people. More than likely, it's to see America with the best-dressed Foreclosed-Upon immigrants and turdwrinkles this side of ROSS.
Adopting Kids From "Developing Nations" - Adopting children from every continent, instead of, you know, getting a mug at the giftshop, is the ultimate in Celebrity Accessoriality. Mmmm. Good intentions are drawn on the back of Hermes recei-pits. I wonder how much more good would come when the village received water and food and updated facilities and schooling. Taking one child out of the village, and into a world of first-class travel, macrobiotic wet-nursing, and paparazzi, yes, MUCH better life. Using the water supply to adminster saltpeter and birth control to the population, OH NO, that's unethical. But the sex-trafficking of young girls, the rapes, the spread of AIDS, all in Nature's Plan. I cannot wait to be rich enough to care about others!
Gun Control - Everyone gets one. And 12 bullets that are made of rock salt. They'll pierece your skin, and hurt a lot, and then you'll know why you should use blinkers on the freeway. There, everyone happy now?
SUVs - Everyone in smaller cars should breathe easier. If you drive a small car, you use much less fuel. And that's GOOD, so the fire will be quick and small when you're crushed under the SUV. SUVs can only be driven by men over the age of 45. Until that time, your testosterone's too high to be trusted with this thing. And odds are you're not blaring rap's music out the windows. Nobody cares you be tippin' on fo'-fo's, mung. Nice wheelz! And how's your retirement account?
Dangerous Dog Breeds - Again, something ruined by idiots. Sorry, we can't trust the idiots, so we have to keep the breeds away from everyone. If you want to walk around with something dangerous on a leash, make friends with an Oakland Raiders fan.
Mobile Phones - You get as many minutes as equal to your credit score, PER YEAR. Text messages would be $5 a pop. Phones wouldn't work indoors unless you paid the establishment a $10 deposit, and had to talk while wearing a plastic bag over your head. You can yammer away as long as the oxygen allows.
Drinking Age - If you can vote at 18, and drink at 21, it's only right that the drinking age be changed, to 39. Your brain isn't fully developed until 25 or so, why float it on Natty Ice until you start a decent 401(k)? You shouldn't be drinking until you have to get up early for something the next morning. Drinking is for adults, not you.
Take Me Home
My Blog About My Dad
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Gay Marriage - Marriage between any two consenting adults deemed mentally competent should be legal. Marriage is a legally-recognized institution. Everyone should have equal pressure from their family and be made to feel like they are hideous freaks if not married by the age of 29. And they should not have open the backdoor of saying "Oh, we WOULD get married, but YOU won't let us!" I don't care what you do, when you do it, or how much it costs.
At the very least, incorporate. If you think the paperwork and inclusion in newspapers is what will solidify your relationship, have at 'er. Butch & Sundance were Partners. Lucy and Ricky were Spouses. Enyoy.
Apparently the Gay Community is unaware that, as tough as they've had it, they will NOT be discriminated against when getting their asses kicked by the Bride-to-Be who is ALSO trying to book the Atrium for the second Saturday in June. God be with you.
Legalizing Marijuana - Great idea. But you have to have a license to sell it, pay taxes on it, must be purchased from a licensed grower for re-sale, records kept of purchase and retail, and subject to the same scrutiny as all other vegitation that makes you happy. BUT... no retail outlets. Nope, the drug dealers already have this on lock-down, let 'em work. If it's shady, it's shady. Half the value in getting high is the feeling that you're gonna die during the transaction. And, like cigarettes, it cannot be smoked in public without heavy judgment/envy.
Prostitution - How is THIS illegal? Every other Westernized nation in the world has some sort of legalized hooking. Legalize, make the women... or men... register for a license. Prior to which, they must prove to be 18, have a GED, and (not "OR") submit to a drug test and blood test for STDs. Every 6 months, tested again. Run it outta yer single-wide like that day care that never got off the ground, lousy probation! Inspections by health inspectors! See, now you're generating JOBS AND REVENUE. Legalizing it won't drive people into hooking or looking any more than it already does. If a person wants to pay somebody to have sex with them, without hiding it as dinner and a few drinks, they should have the right to. And why subject women to the blathering of a crotch-hungry dude? Split the diff for $150, get under the bed like a good pig, and be on your way. SO UPTIGHT.
This also brings down the crime rates against women working in this line of work. They're doing it anyway. It's still a choice they have to make to go do it. Shouldn't be promoted as a viable one, mind you, but it sure as hell isn't stopping folks who need their urges fulfilled. It happens DAILY in various forms.
Seat Belt Laws - While these traffic stops do yield results in getting some thugs and felons on warrants, for the most part, it's a chicken-shit way for the cops to harrass unsafe people. It's a form of profiling, too. A GOOD ONE. You really want to make cars safe? NO SEATBELTS. Now who just slowed down 20MPH? Everybody, right. Now we're all driving around in loaded guns, makes you think before reaching for that text message, du'n't it?
Red Light Cameras - A camera? Chicken's PLOPS. You can't have ONE officer standing there pulling people off the road? MAKE IT NOW, IMMEDIATE, SPOT FOUL... you pay the fine or you get your car towed. OR, even better, do away with the camera, and put a gun turret in the camera box. Firing blanks, 99.8% of the time, but that sends a message at 240 rounds per second. To think it could have been avoided if only you hadn't hit that snooze alarm! Sorry for the .50 shell grazing your manifold.
Tax Increases On Douchenozzles, Asspleats, and Seatsniffers - Why are we taxing the wealthy when we should be taxing people who spend money poorly? $100, screen-printed t-shirt? 8.9% sales tax, and 4.1% Dunce Tax. Nice Ed Hardy tee, Yvgeny. Way to plan for retirement!
Axe Body Spray on the shopping list? How about upping the cost to about $100 a bottle? Sorry, now only for people who can afford it. And if you can afford Axe at that point, you aren't the kind of person who would wear it. I can't wear Axe BodySpritz, as I have a severe allergy to marketing. Axe, now in "Aggro Fingering" and " 'NO' Means 'Buy Her a Shot!' " scents.
Pooka Shell Necklaces should cost $500.
Male pinky rings? At 32? Just hitting the market at $2,000!
Perhaps it's a ploy of mine to drive the individuality out of people. More than likely, it's to see America with the best-dressed Foreclosed-Upon immigrants and turdwrinkles this side of ROSS.
Adopting Kids From "Developing Nations" - Adopting children from every continent, instead of, you know, getting a mug at the giftshop, is the ultimate in Celebrity Accessoriality. Mmmm. Good intentions are drawn on the back of Hermes recei-pits. I wonder how much more good would come when the village received water and food and updated facilities and schooling. Taking one child out of the village, and into a world of first-class travel, macrobiotic wet-nursing, and paparazzi, yes, MUCH better life. Using the water supply to adminster saltpeter and birth control to the population, OH NO, that's unethical. But the sex-trafficking of young girls, the rapes, the spread of AIDS, all in Nature's Plan. I cannot wait to be rich enough to care about others!
Gun Control - Everyone gets one. And 12 bullets that are made of rock salt. They'll pierece your skin, and hurt a lot, and then you'll know why you should use blinkers on the freeway. There, everyone happy now?
SUVs - Everyone in smaller cars should breathe easier. If you drive a small car, you use much less fuel. And that's GOOD, so the fire will be quick and small when you're crushed under the SUV. SUVs can only be driven by men over the age of 45. Until that time, your testosterone's too high to be trusted with this thing. And odds are you're not blaring rap's music out the windows. Nobody cares you be tippin' on fo'-fo's, mung. Nice wheelz! And how's your retirement account?
Dangerous Dog Breeds - Again, something ruined by idiots. Sorry, we can't trust the idiots, so we have to keep the breeds away from everyone. If you want to walk around with something dangerous on a leash, make friends with an Oakland Raiders fan.
Mobile Phones - You get as many minutes as equal to your credit score, PER YEAR. Text messages would be $5 a pop. Phones wouldn't work indoors unless you paid the establishment a $10 deposit, and had to talk while wearing a plastic bag over your head. You can yammer away as long as the oxygen allows.
Drinking Age - If you can vote at 18, and drink at 21, it's only right that the drinking age be changed, to 39. Your brain isn't fully developed until 25 or so, why float it on Natty Ice until you start a decent 401(k)? You shouldn't be drinking until you have to get up early for something the next morning. Drinking is for adults, not you.
Take Me Home
My Blog About My Dad
Well CRAP, I Guess I'm a Nice Guy
We're gonna elect a new president tomorrow. Like it or not.
Along with that is a bevy of local votes that will determine everything from the cost of imported milk to legalizing prostitution, or "Consulting."
Many people have asked me recently, "Sir... was that you?"
Sorry. Dairy issues.
I have ideas on the Issues. And here I will pontificate on them...
IN PUBLIC.
First, I must go throw laundry in. I AM ON A SCHEDULE.
I am a good guy. When you're a "good guy," and genuinely so, which I really try to act like I am, people can sense it. You know who can sense it? People who are more open to the auras and energies of other people. And you know who they are?
Crazies.
Not the jarred-poop-collecting crazies (some of it their own).
Not the squalor-induced craziness crazies.
Not the GOD WARRIOR crazies, hello Margeurite Perrin. Who wouldn't want to sit down in a praise service next to this angel in support hosiery?
JEEEEEEZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS!
See, when you're a good guy, and told you are by a number of people under various levels of medical supervision, they feel they have a safe place to talk about what's on their mind. And what's on their mind revolves around three things.
And to kvetch about the whole thing must fashion a few layers off the niceness, right? My intent is always pure; I enjoy the stories of others, sometimes watching as they go high into the wall and just keep the throttle open while the tires blow and the flames fly high. And right when I think to myself "What am I getting out of this?" I have to remind myself that I can read Mickey Rourke's comeback story anytime. What I get out of it is what you're reading.
So while I have to search for Daniel Craig pics to take to a barber instead of just taking the coffee-shop's EW with me, I am only minorly annoyed at the extra work. I could have found those pics by now.
But it's not every day that somebody wants to bet you their van, parked RIGHT THERE SAME SPOT EVERY DAY, that by this time next week, we'll be under Martial Law. Try for THAT at your Star'sBucks.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Take Me Home
My Blog About My Dad
Along with that is a bevy of local votes that will determine everything from the cost of imported milk to legalizing prostitution, or "Consulting."
Many people have asked me recently, "Sir... was that you?"
Sorry. Dairy issues.
I have ideas on the Issues. And here I will pontificate on them...
IN PUBLIC.
First, I must go throw laundry in. I AM ON A SCHEDULE.
I am a good guy. When you're a "good guy," and genuinely so, which I really try to act like I am, people can sense it. You know who can sense it? People who are more open to the auras and energies of other people. And you know who they are?
Crazies.
Not the jarred-poop-collecting crazies (some of it their own).
Not the squalor-induced craziness crazies.
Not the GOD WARRIOR crazies, hello Margeurite Perrin. Who wouldn't want to sit down in a praise service next to this angel in support hosiery?
JEEEEEEZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUS!See, when you're a good guy, and told you are by a number of people under various levels of medical supervision, they feel they have a safe place to talk about what's on their mind. And what's on their mind revolves around three things.
- The "government" (always mentioned with quotation fingers)
- The Shadow Government (always mentioned by pointing to the "SG" tattoo on their palm)
- Health-related issues, usually ear canals or bowel obstructions caused by antibiotics
And to kvetch about the whole thing must fashion a few layers off the niceness, right? My intent is always pure; I enjoy the stories of others, sometimes watching as they go high into the wall and just keep the throttle open while the tires blow and the flames fly high. And right when I think to myself "What am I getting out of this?" I have to remind myself that I can read Mickey Rourke's comeback story anytime. What I get out of it is what you're reading.
So while I have to search for Daniel Craig pics to take to a barber instead of just taking the coffee-shop's EW with me, I am only minorly annoyed at the extra work. I could have found those pics by now.
But it's not every day that somebody wants to bet you their van, parked RIGHT THERE SAME SPOT EVERY DAY, that by this time next week, we'll be under Martial Law. Try for THAT at your Star'sBucks.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Take Me Home
My Blog About My Dad
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