Corporate Training & Obedience

Hi, good morning! Everyone?! Good morning, hi...
My name is Denise Szbarski and I am aaaa certified corporate training specialist here, and today I am going to lead our class on the Unified Requirements, Intentions and Negotiations Gathering, or URING, as we like to call it, heh heh heh... NOOOO, not the other word, come on now...

Does anybody have any questions at this point? No? Okay, then why don't we turn our cell phones off or to vibrate, probably better off so that your business emails and important phone calls don't take us away from the focus today while we're all... working through the process and knee deep in URING. Is everybody able to connect to the network? No? You're not? You? No, no, no... huh, 7 of 10 of you can't get on? Okay, well keep trying. Okay then.

Okay, then normally we go around the room to introduce ourselves and say which department we're in to kill time that I can't fill, but instead of doing that, okay let's dive right into our work today. By the time we get to the last person most of us forget who was first anyway and it doesn't really impact our job nor this class, okay then.

Okay, then now the URING process was created out of a need for Senior Leadership like Daniel and Marlia and Steven to impart some change to an otherwise barely-flawed process we were all comfortable and knowledgeable with. After being confused about the actual details that go into planning and design they found a need to get everybody on a new page instead of the same page. Instead of having no answers as to what all has transpired during the gathering and design phases of projects, they now have an acronym they can refer to and feel as if they are at-one with their organization. They don't know any of your names and don't particularly care to, okay then.

Okay, then when you get to the last 72 hours before a project you have worked on is supposed to launch, the URING process will be referred-to. Usually this will happen by one of the Senior Leaders who hasn't attended any of the calls or meetings, and they will ask questions at random times. The answers to those questions will likely, or may not be, in the URING document, so keep it on-hand at all times, okay then?

Okay, then OH is that a phone? Please... please let's turn off our phones again real quick, guys I hate to interrupt class like that, okay? I'm barely qualified to substitute-teach a quiet-drawing class, guys, okay, let's make sure our phones are off. I have control issues, okay then.

So we're going to go ahead and dive right in for the first 2 hours, is it cold in here? Can we turn the heat up? Are any of you guys cold? No? I am freezing, I'm going to get this heat going, I will be freezing up here, okay then.

So we're going to go ahead and dive in for about 2-and-a-half hours as an intro to the URING process, then a 10minute lunch and bathroom break, then we'll wrap up with 3 hours after lunch. Ah, there we go, I just heard the heat turn on. I set it for 78 so if anybody feels warm just imagine you're in Maui on the beach with a Corona, okay then.
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Corporate Training: When done well, it sounds nothing like this. Usually it sounds like this.


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MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT

Shit's F'ed

As I watch the upheaval in the Middle East, North Africa, Japan, and Wisconsin, I make note that most other countries live with a passion about politics that America finds barbaric and frightening. We prefer to withhold such emotion until it really matters, like when our team wins a championship, or Black Friday. Nothing says "You get out your the powerseat or we'll burn your house down" like riding your best camel into a duel before the prayer hour.

The threat of arrest is very real when you take a day off work. It multiplies by at least 3 when your PTO coincides with you being fed-the-fuck up with people protesting a war on the corner of a quaint suburban business park. (I'm talking to you, Iraq war protestors in Lake Forest Park!) Yes, we have the right to free speech, to assemble peacefully, and to petition the government without being hole-probed. But to be honest... THAT DOESN'T DO SHIT.

You can vote the bastards and bitchloads out of office. Another fartfactory will take their place. Politics are business, and the business is about Getting Rich, Staying Rich, and Face-Fucking the Opposition but Not In The Good Way. If you aren't sure if I'm fed up, I am. But what can I do about it?

Well, I can be cool as hell to my neighbors. I can be a better dad than I have been. I can get a control on this ridiculous ADD issue I'm having. I can act locally, shop locally, buy organic, and read-up on History. How did this all play out before? This isn't the first time dictators have been moved upon. Africa, by the way, is the world's crotch now. For anybody who wants to debate me about Africa being the cradle of civilization, that was most-likely what is now Southern Europe/Turkey/North Africa. When left to their own devices, i.e. America staying out of their affairs, look at what an incredible job African nations do.

It's up to the world to get Africa back on its feet. Oh wait, Japan is about to melt down because they have been too cheap to pony-up to keep their reactors up to code. Thank you, Japan. Probably gonna get enough cement dumped on you to sink part of that island. Sorry Africa, you'll have to wait. We'll keep sending aid to 47 countries in Africa, you African dictators keep acting like human ass-rashes, and we'll stand by and neglect our education system.

Here's what's so incredibly wrong with our society.

You can have a protest that blocks streets and takes people out of work and screws up people's commutes home, and yet still lose the vote to criminalize caffeinated baby formula.

Or you can get some real shit done by blowing up the factory that makes it and go to jail for it.

I'm happy as hell to see the protests in Wisconsin, and hope to see more.

Washington state is by far the most liberal-minded, conservative-walleted state in America. Our desire to force state and local governments to do "more with less" is crippling social services. Schools are getting hammered. And 27 year-old software designers are driving A-8s to Beer Pong at The Boat night. Awesome. We suck.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad


MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT