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Thursday, April 14, 2011

No. 1 to No One - Football!

Anybody who follows professional football... there goes half the readers I LOVE YOU GUYS NO MATTER WHAT, COME BACK THIS WEEKEND!... knows the story of Jamarcus Russell. Drafted by the Oakland Raiders in 2007, this mountain of a quarterback had a lot of physical prowess. He could whip a ball 60 yards WHILE ON HIS KNEES. Pretty quick. Strong. But that's about it. Lots of guys like that in college. What makes a Quarterback a QB are his mental toughness, willingness to learn, leadership ability, and willingness to tag only the finest ass in the Western Hemisphere (see Brady, Tom and Bundchen, Gisele).

People jump Russell's case because he dropped out of the league so fast it made Ryan Leaf look like Lou Groza. I feel bad for Russell in some sense, because it's nobody else's business if the guy didn't have the character-foundation necessary to carry the load of a #1 pick for a crappy team with an insane owner and an even-worse fanbase. Cases in point:






















That dude's not even on the team, people. He's not even on the roll-call for the work release that pulls trash after home games. As for Mother Girth up there, let's hope that's the last of the line. Would YOU want to entertain these folks with the threat of a 308-lb D-end dropping you face-first from the blindside? You could pay me enough to do it, believe me. And I could probably do it better than Russell.

But here's the issue... everybody says Russell wasted his talent. He didn't have the talent to be a professional QB. The only person who should truly be hit in the face a lot is Al "Zombie Eyes" Davis.Al's owned the Raiders far longer than most thought he'd be alive for, and made bad pick after bad pick, as if it were a video game and not an actual sport based on Madden. He decided to bring Jamarcus in and sign him and exalt him with the status, and everybody leapt to the edge of the lion pit to see if Jamarcus could handle it, for a guaranteed $31,000,000, or $2,009,160 after California taxes.

Russell bombed. Horrible. Unfocused, out of shape, not a QB for the NFL. So leave him alone. When you get shitcanned from The Juice Goose next month nobody's gonna torchsong your ass out the door. You're fired. Take your millions and go. And this idea that Russell wasted his talent? How about he had the tools and had no idea how to use them and didn't really give a shit about using them? And he took millions from one of the worst owners of one of the worst teams and decided to get drunk instead. BFD.

Russell walked with millions in his pocket, somewhat of a college education, and some time as a celebrity. He didn't have what it takes, and the fact he got as far as he did with thick of a head on his shoulders is a miracle. Like when a movie star dies before 50, there's some sort of outpouring of tragic empathy, how they "left us too soon." How do you know their involvement in the art, the sport, or even car detailing didn't keep them alive longer than their drug habit wanted? Russell's out. He's rich. He's fat. He did a shitty job and still walked with millions. He may not be a QB in the NFL, but he appears to have what it takes to be a CEO in corporate America.

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