Be Nicer, Damn It!

2005 was the year of unrealized Self-Empowerment, a movement that, like most weapons, is going off at all the wrong times. People have mistaken "rightful place in the kingdom of God on Earth" for "I don't gotta say no 'Thanks' or no 'Please' to nobawdy! I'll finish this phone conversation where the hell ever I wanna, you be a ho!"

General rudeness has replaced basic courtesy. I open doors for people, or hold them open, on a semi-regular basis. But I also have about a 2 to 3-second window for people to get in through tat door. I have no idea if it's all the energy drinks on the market, the alley-grade oxycontin, or the fact that people are "living in the moment, like today is the last day of their lives." It's annoying. It has to stop.

So I've come up with a 2-point plan for getting back on the Manners Mobile. I highly suggest anybody adapt it to their own lives (I know I will), and share it with others.

FIRST:
Repeat this phrase to yourself: While I am important, I'm not the only person _____BLANK #1_____

SECOND:
Follow it with this phrase: ... and therefore, I shall not _____BLANK #2_____ because that would be inconsiderate to the world around me, which does not revolve around me, but instead, exists for my benefit, and not vise-versa. And that goes double for ______BLANK #3_______

THE BLANKS!
Blank #1: fill in the blank with the name of whatever FridayOliveCakeChiliBirdFactory you happen to find yourself at after a long night of blowing truckers. Same thing can be used if you find yourself at the grocery store while taking a break from your favorite sport, Booger Rolling.

Blank #2: this is where you are conscious of what you're doing at that moment, whether it be NOT BLOGGING even though you're cluttering the net with your blank archives of banal horseshit and/or "Dreams." It also encompasses elevator farting, blowing salami burps, or not leaving a store when you think getting a better deal on cereal is more important than other people not hearing your 5 year old scream for a coloring book.

BLANK #3: "my (SEX ORGAN YOU WERE BORN WITH THAT GETS YOU IN TROUBLE THE MOST... which for me is my brain)!!!"

See, it's simple. Be in the moment, realize you're not the king of the queen of the MeyerTargetSafeLarry's, and say "Thanks!" when I hold the door open for you. Or you WILL be sorry the next time we're in the elevator together.

Happy New Year? I'll be the judge of that.


By the way, my girlfriend and I have quit smoking, and things are on edge around here. Come by and make sure we're not wearing each other as suits. DO NOT KNOCK, YOU COME IN AND YOU BRING ICE CREAM.


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The Gifts Of Christmas Past

THE Holiday has come and passed, and I hope you each got something easily returnable. The fact of the matter is that very few people can shop for us as we get older, unless the shopper keeps an ear and a keen eye open to your style and suggestions. You may need running shoes (turns out I'm a supinating ball-striker), some fierce tops (if you've got good bottoms), or a new gadget that turns on the music, and turns off the rest of your social circle.

A pervasive feeling overcomes many people about 2.5 weeks into December, that harrowing "a Christmas party… a bathroom… a thong… balls?" feeling. This is preceded by wanting to get "something" for "so & so," but you're not sure what to get, and don't want to appear thoughtless by handing over the dollar amount in the form of a giftcard. Instead, your mind plumbs its resin & hops-glazed depths for a twinkling of their personality so you can get them an appropriate guilt trip. Er, gift.

Anywho, I wish I had more to say about all this but I have to go write my "Christmas Is Too Commercial" blog for the Pepsi website, sponsored by Nike's LiveRad campaign to fight obesity in our endangered species.org. Right after I return this "Babe Ruth" baseball card. Hello? I'm 31. I SAID BOOOOOZE, Mother.

Confidential to Steve:
Just because there's less blood in it does NOT mean "it's breaking up." Go home.



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Merry Christmas, And Other Offensive Words

So far, nobody has told me directly that they have any problem with me wishing them a Merry Christmas. I wonder if it's all propaganda created by the Reich Wing to drum up religious fervor.

For those who are completely against religion, that's fine, that's your decision.
You have to work the weekend. No days off in the Agnostic calendar, 'cept the National Holidays. If you truly want separation of Church and State, you cannot say "The government said I can take this day off," because that would be observing a Religious Holiday, and my tolerance ends at your hypocrisy.

And I'm reminded again this year that once a year is not enough to do nice things for those you care about. Don't save it up. Give a little bit all year. When it comes this time of the year and I don't get gifts from people, I don't feel bad because I know that I did some other nice stuff for them through out the year. Seriously though, when in doubt, just give me a gift card. I would rather write a "Thank You" card instead of an "Oh, THANKS" card.

Also, if you're sending a card just to send a card, "because that's what you DO," I am okay with being left off the list. Getting one of what was likely 50-53 cards with your quickly-sprawled signature in it makes me feel less like a SugarPlum and more like a YuleLog. E-mail me a "Hi!" and a digital photo of a naked elf. Unless you are giving us original photos on the cards, something cute or funny, no, REALLY, save it!!! What you see as a gesture of kindness I see as tree death and mantle clutter.

I'm happy to be thought of, but try to think when thinking of me. Put some thought into it. Five $100 gifts are better than 500 $1 gifts. Quality, not quantity, unless you're trying to break the "Gifts That Were Laying Around That Fit In Boxes That Were Laying Around" record. Don't be a nutlog and give me clutter. I wouldn't do that to you. I'd help you move your crap, and you repay me with a Jack Osborne bobble-head...

Gawd, people take all the fun out of Christmas.

Only 2 more shopping days left.
F*ck.

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Here, Please... Take My Shit

Nick and Jessica are in the process of getting divorced.
They are millionaires.
They have no children.
They are both moderately talented.
They have contributed to the retarding the legacy of American entertainment.
Supposedly, Nick deflowered Jessica.
Jessica, supposedly, thinks that's a gardening term.
Rumors abound of their dallying outside the bonds of marriage.
Dude, no shit. Who wouldn't mount that hot piece of ass. And her, too! HA HA, FAGTASTIC TURN OF A PUNCHLINE.
It has played out in the public eye, as was planned by Jessica's father, Adolf Mengala Simpsputin.
This way, they are always "so-&-so's ex"wife/husband, no matter how many of their movies go straight to DVD.

I don't pretend to think that anybody reading this was emotionally affected by the split in a negative way. Personally, I celebrated by farting. "Sorry" to the lady in the check-out line, not to mention the old man in the wheelchair I blamed it on. But that second one by the scratch-tickets was not me. I know my smell, that was something not of this earth, at least not of this diet.

As I understand marketing and celebrity life more and more, the more I want to be part of it, so that I can make fun of them publicly. Grand-scale publicly, is what I'm saying. Anybody who takes themselves so seriously in that they can't take a joke, refuse to be nudged by the elbow of comedy, well hey friend, YOU'RE IN THE CROSS-HAIRS. I find lacking a sense of humor about one's self to be a serious character flaw. Being humorless is one thing, but not being able to take a joke about your own clothing/glasses/haircut, or a myriad of other things, well my friend, you deserve to be teased until the scar tissue builds up and you start throwing turds back at the monkies.

In summation, I like dark chocolate, and have since long before anybody started their "antioxidants" campaign, likely the people at Big Antioxidant. If anybody thought that Nick and Jessica would stay married while living a life in the public eye, that person is not the kind of person I want to spend much time around. That's the kind of person who, for what they lack in general intelligence, makes up for in drug-trade promiscuity. And the world continues to turn.

Not that I care or nothin'.

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This Ought To Cover It

There's a "code" on the street about telling people what you're into without having to vomit onto your MySpazz page about it.
It's called
"THE HANKY CODE"

This chart tells you what, and where, the meaning of a hanky is.
http://alt.xmission.com/~trevin/hanky.html

I keep my setlist in my back left pocket. Apparently that makes me an "Aggressive baby head into night farting and getting verbally steamered." Paraphrasing, of course.

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EggNog Recipe

This is the universal recipe for eggnog:

1 Gallon 2% Milk From A Harbor Seal

3 Cups Maple Syrup

1 Pint of Elf Tears

6 Egg Yolks

1 Nightmare involving a Clown (or a jellyfish, for the non-drinkers)

750ml of Rum to wash the taste out

Garnish with bad breath

Enjoy the Taste Of The Holidays, AND The Taste Of Diabetes!
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Just An Idear

Saddam said in court today that he’s not afraid of execution. The former dictator of Iraq, a sadistic, torturing, madman, who is sure to have Hell waiting for him, is not afraid of to die. He basically is daring them to kill him.

They should not do that. Do not kill Saddam Hussein. In fact, they should start talking to him about what kind of reparations he could make in order to go free. They need to ask him why he thinks he should not be punished. And let him plead that case. And nod along, make notes, nod, note, nod, note. They should bring up the numerous charges of torture, murder, corruption, and scandal, and let him rebut against each charge. And when the talking’s done, they should deliberate for a day or two.

After this deliberation, they should call Saddam back to court, and say “Hey man, you weren’t a very benevolent leader. You did some really awful things. Most of the rest of the world hates you. But some people love you, and would love to harbor you upon your release. So we’re going to release you, and let you fend for yourself.”

Then, as he heads back to the jail to sign the paperwork, he’s greeted by many people on roadside holding signs of praise for him. He gets to the prison, signs his paperwork, and heads for the door.

Which is when the tribunal council says “Nah, we change our minds. We’re going to torture you. Death’s too good for you. We’ll webcam the whole deal, too. Hell, we’re going to have people e-mailing what we should do to you next. High-bidders will be able to tazer you from time to time. You're not gonna Hitler your way outta this one. Buckle up, it’s gonna be a while.”

OR, he can toss salads every day for a month.

The Geoff Lott Administration has begun.

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The Truth Is...

No matter how thin you slice it, that is still baloney.

Even a blind squirrel gets a nut eventually, if he doesn't die of starvation first.

Love conquers all things, but cannot be trusted with a long-sword.

The best job in the world is not job, but instead, a pastime that brings you money.

The Holiday Season is the only time of year you're not weird for wearing a Santa Hat to an orgy.

The Holiday Season is the only time of year you're not weird for looking like Santa Claus, Mr. FattyBeardy.

Drugs can simulate the feeling of love, but not the special moment of the first fart in front of each other.

Farts can simulate the feeling of relief, but not the special moment of gambling, losing, and "touching cotton."

The Toyota Camry is how you tell traffic "I stopped caring about progress long ago."

The elderly are bad drivers because they appear to not actually know they are driving.

I don't talk about politics for the same reason I broke up with Kelly Jo Hanratty in 2002: They both screwed my Cousin Richie.

Even if Richie and I look alike in a drunken haze in a dark room, you think she'd have noticed his wheelchair.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. I'm not sure if that's a double-negative or a call to arms. I'm afraid I'm confused again.

I wish I had the blind drive of confidence found only in the cognitively delayed and in bad comics.

The Backwards baseball cap is how you tell the party "First to pass out gets touched."

You can't choose the branches of your family tree, and you can't set one on fire without the whole thing going up. A little sun, a little water, and hopefully it'll break off under it's own alcoholism. Um, LACK OF DESIRE TO GROW, I mean.

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Passion Aggressive

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What a Joke

Impressions. Poorly.
Racial Stereotyping. Stupidly.
High Volume. Loudly.
High Energy. LOUDLY.
Street Jokes. Sadly.

5 Days of comedy until I finally got my groove back, a little. I placed 5th on Monday in Seattle. Every other night has been sub-par according to my own standards of performing. However, I have set a new bar for taking shots at other comic's acts! Truly, I have surprised myself at the ferocity with which I've lobbed the whispered cannonballs of disbelief upon the ramparts of a few comics. Nothing new, that.

We do that, as comics. It has nothing to do with the comic themselves, it has much to do with the material, the performance. The best place to sit at an open mic is near the comics. We talk more shit than the United States Manure Council... ON CRACK! DOUBLE PUN SCORE! I win again. Unless there's karma to be had. I didn't do it with everyone's act, just a few that seemed to stand out with targets on their overly-puffed chests. Why would I do such a thing? Well, it's fun. It's what comics DO, from time to time. It purifies one's air that may have been fouled by bad comedy, allowing me to breathe.

I know it's been said about me, and I love that. It's justice, honesty, and deserved at times. It's how comedy goes. Comedy is instant karma. Karmedy! See, Killorn, I can do it, too! SMILEY

Graham Clark is funny as hell. You have to find this guy and watch him. Cool, funny, and funny. Not to mention hysterical. Canadian by birth, he's a pick of mine to finish in the top 2 overall.

I will wax-masturbatorily on comedy another time. Before I go, I gotta say this:
I love comedy. I have enjoyed the week with these guys as compatriots and performers, who all know the hope, anxiety, and hate that can go into a show. Even as the shit has been talked and the teasing done, I still admire anybody who takes the time to write and critique themselves for the purpose of getting better at the pursuit of Standing On A Stage and Making Strangers Laugh.


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For The Birds

Our President wants $7,100,000,000 to fight a potential outbreak of Avian Flu.
I'm going to go jump off the balcony and drop some berry bombs before crashing down upon the neighbor's F-250 PowerStroke(tm).

Friggin' awesome.

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Fat-ish

I'm on Green Tea and Lipo-6 this morning, a metabolic enhancement pill that has scientifically proven capabilities of loosing the Demons of ADD upon thee. I feel like I could run through a wall, talk to it, or cry. It's rather liberating. It's only a 1/2 dose, too, which makes me wonder how people make it a full day taking up to 6 of these things. I took 1, and just recently finished bare-handedly gutting a cougar. I took it because, normally, it acts much like other speeders to dial-in my focus. I didn't eat breakfast before taking it, however, so now I'm just sitting here doing some full-body muscle contractions in between fits of upper-lip sweating.

My fat content is in the black, that's one positive way to look at it, I guess. I could drop about 20lbs and cut my bodyfat % to 10, which would be awesome. I have abs, I can feel them every time I suck my gut in to strap my belt on. I've always been big, too. I'm broad. Evolution-wise, I figure I'm one of those who would have been hauling stuff when I wasn't fighting it for the amusement of others. And I exercise a lot, at least 4 solid workouts a week. It's time to quit fooling myself and work more cardio into the mix. Why on earth do I need to work my military press back up to 225? Doctor says I'm in phenomenal shape for a Business Analyst, which means, in the past 30 days, I've eaten upwards of 3 salads.

Much of my life seems to be this weird mix of my being less-than-confident in my appearance, always glancing at the roll sitting on top of my belt-line. I'm starting to exercise more for longevity than movie roles. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to be in the kind of shape where it's a crime for me to keep my shirt on, but sooner or later you have to stop working on your Tris, Back, Hams, and Pecs, and work at least a little on your personality.

Here's a good example. There's a guy at my gym who is in really good shape. He's probably early 40's, drives a Benz roadster, no wedding ring, chats up the ladies quite a bit. Tans a lot. So much so that he always smells like burnt fruit. Recently took a leave from the gym for a broken wrist. Here's the topper; Really Bad Toupee! It's a TouPerm. It's a desperate move, and it really kills the rest of his vibe. Last week I walk into the locker room and notice a bad Toupee outta the corner of my sense of humor. I think "oh hey, he's back from his wrist thingy."

I change-up and head out to warm-up, and see Toupee Regular talking to… Toupee The Sequel! Another guy with a toupee, which stopped about a half-inch above his ears, was over working out, and they seemed to gravitate toward each other. I don't know if they went to the same barber or taxidermist, but it was like they had found their perfect gym-match. It was then that I decided that my longevity was 65% Important, Performance and Appearance mixing in at about 35%. I'm realistic about how I look, and it motivates me to work a little harder, eat healthy, and supplement my workouts with the occasional vodka-colonic.

For me, the shit-end of the stick is that some people have never worked out. So they hit the gym for a month, drink only one Mt. Dew per day, cut back Hot Pocket intake to twice a week, and a month later they're down 15 lard-bricks. I then ramp my cardio up to 3 times a week, 45 minutes a stretch, and switch back to the basic compound lifts, and lose 3 lbs, most of it from not drinking beer. So maybe it's my own "system" that is set up more for hard winters and lack of access to dairy products, and I haven't evolved yet to the Balanced line. Overall, I like me. If someone doesn't like me because of the fat on my waist, then they aren't really the kind of person I want to have cups and cakes with anyway.

So I've got Fat to spare. Even though I wish I didn't have as much as I do, at least I'm not wearing it on my bald spot.

Oh shit, I'm going bald?

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The Big Bus To The Sky

Rosa Parks died on Monday. She was 92. She was in her 40s when a white man on a bus in Alabama got NOT her seat on the bus, but instead a veritable "Suck ass" that sparked a movement we know today as "Funkadelic." Rosa and I shared the same birthday, February 4th. I also share that with Dan Quayle and Alice Cooper. Color me Play-Doh poo-colored.

The Jim Crow laws of the Civil War instituted segregation of blacks and whites. Oddly enough, it seemed to disregard the low-lifes, asswads, turdnecks, fartbrains, and trashbags, not to mention the dipshits and jack-nobs.

The personality of any society can be seen in the microcosm that is its Common Areas. Bathrooms, Eating, and Transportation, for three. Thanks to Rosa Parks, everyone can ride the bus if their car is broken! Other than that, I am the F*CK in my Chrysler, and away from a white girl staring out the window while silently rapping to herself, and her dad, the one knitting an invisible sweater for his dog, which is made from old bottles of Wild Turkey, filled with his urine.

To get to that last bit of attempted funny, one would have to take a bus!

Rosa Parks HAD TO take the bus, because she had trouble walking with her awesomely brass clangers. God Bless her. And stamp out hate, especially those who hate. It will be tough, but we can get rid of hate through the love of violence and oppression of Haters. Slippery slope, people.

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Things and Times, Right and Wrong

Addendumb!

Last night I got to hang out with some great comics. This is the last weekend of Laughs in Bellevue being open, as the hotel it's been in is turning the lounge into a "conference room." The Paragon Hotel can eat my ass, as they've been charging $5 for a bottle of Miller Lite for too long, anyway. That's the thanks we've gotten. Plus their new bartender is some kid outta The Bartending Academy, and has yet to learn that when you charge someone $8 for a Grey Goose on the rocks with a twist, you don't measure the pour, a-pipe.

As the night started I just hung with the comics like Harold Gomez, Tracy Tuffs, James Inman, The Fahim Machine, ChiliDog, and Wiggy, and there's one thing these guys all do that I think makes them great comics:
THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES.

That's why the blog was invented, don'tcha know?
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Knowing that Perception is each person's reality, is anything ever Real?
Passive aggressive behavior is one way to do it. Another is to say nothing at all and be the bigger person. But if I have to say something I usually remember the old phrase
A wise man has something to say
A fool has to say something.
Then I tell a fart joke.

I love to hear people boast of their exploits and how awesome they are. It saves the rest of us time in every having to discuss them.

I have news to share, some really good news.
Also, I watched Dane Cook on the Adam Carolla show last night, and Dane Cook doesn't have what Ace Rockolla's packin' in the funny pants.

More to come.
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When It Comes Down To It

... I question the intent of people wearing those rubber bracelets.
... I think "the gubment" is out to scare us into trusting it.
... but a lot of us will be too scared to ever turn our backs on news of a vaccine to a flu nobody we know will ever get.
... we are over-taxed for what's really going on in this country.
... but were we not taxed, we may not give anything to anybody.
... I read DOOCE semi-religiously.
... and I don't care who knows it.
... I haven't picked up The Bible in about 6 weeks.
... and the last time I read it, the whole "treat others as you'd like to be treated" thing started to sink in.
... I took two days off this week. Officially.
... I need 8 more. Radically.
... what have I done for you lately?
... what have you done to deserve it, anyway?
... which reminds me, that whole "Golden Rule" thing is about pre-emptive kindness for the sake of kindness. To everyone.
... My father is mentally ill. A lot of people are crazy. BIG difference.
... I have lost two days of work in the past 2 weeks because of communication problems with adults who couldn't answer Yes/No questions.
... I have found many reasons to pursue my dreams.
... spiders scare my girlfriend more than clowns scare me.
... and spiders aren't even protected by the law.
... not to mention, spiders never tried to show me "how Best friends hug when it's cold."
... damn you, Uncle Bareback.
... the gubment needs to work on a clown vaccine.
... "Since You've Been Gone" will likely win a Grammy next year.
... which says a lot about music these days.


............good night.
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Pour Me Another One

Ho...
Lee...
Shittin'...
Shit.

Finally, the President (how long has it been since that title carried an air of respect?) has dropped some knowledge we can use.
We're all gonna die. I'm going to go get drunk at my party now. See you in the lights.



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Update! Perspective In The Passenger Seat

In the past, I've written here about the importance of Perspective.

Perspective is the sugar to your salt, or the ice to your burn. It is the kiss to your boo-boo, and the salve to your sores, the pop to your pistol. But it can also be the nail to your back, the bite to the bark, and the lash of the whip. Wow, it moved a little there. Is anybody else getting turned on? A-gain, I digress, and apologize most unreservedly. What I'm saying is that I could really give two giant dog logs about my job. The work I do could not be done by anyone else in an instant. That's where my Catch-22 is… Someone else can do this work if I train them, but I have no time to train anybody else, so I can't any time off and have somebody cover for me while I continue recruiting the squirrel army. (Enrollment now at 3-ish. Their squirrel focus can blur when you run out of bridge mix)

At 31 I am getting into the prime of my life, which will be a different sort of prime than I thought I was in there in my mid-late 20s. That was fun and all, but there were plenty of things I didn't need to do, like Ohio, to prove I was "livin' for the moment." I am trying to break away from the cycle of destructive tendencies, also, like shooting myself in the foot before the big race so that I don't beat my best friend. I have a small group of close friends, a close group of good friends, and a good sized group of buddies, and I mean this with all due respect, but f*ck 'em. I have things to do, like call Ohio, like LAST WEEK, and I don't care if Ohio's not available, I'll text 'em and get on with it. There are things that need doing, undoing, then massaging the kinks out of.

Getting on with it is the deal. This past year has been a push, feeling like an 800-meter race of warm-up, warm-up, warm-up, and GO at a gallop. No dead sprints, just a pace that usually would make me say "I'm much more adept with a shot-put, or a female high-jumper." But for some reason I have gone for it this year. In all facets, this pace was my perspective to last year. Last year was a coast, a brisk walk on a nice fall morning to get a cup of coffee and something from the pastry case, perhaps an Afternoon Delight with a Cabernet follow-up, or I'll just have a go at myself and another nap before I hit the gym. Nearly decadent, I was still shooting myself footwise a number of times. Some things you don’t have to go through to understand that you learned your lesson the first time. Ohio is an unkind lover who farts when it sleeps. Still.

But my schedule is turning. In my mind's eye I had this calendar that ran through September, then there was a red line, then a lot of gray area. That gray area is what I'm supposed to paint for myself, I suppose. First off, I've heard a fair amount of anti-male rhetoric in the workplace, including "Bob's being an asshole" followed by "Aren't all men?" Then again, 3 marriages do not a romantic make. Can you imagine? Three different people have invested in that slag of a woman. How many before she can be sued for fraud? More than that is the emotional stance that I'm beyond ready to move on to the next phase of my career. I see work as a relationship, and money as $ex, and I'm just looking for a lot of hot, sloppy, anonymous $ex with whomever is $exiest at the moment. (see previous blog)

Perhaps it's the perspective that everyone is getting older in different ways. I see some people progressing, and some in denial of their lameness. Those who are progressing are going to shine, as they're ready to progress. Those who step back and look at stagnation as if it's cute, well, pity them not. Just decide RIGHT NOW you will not donate a liver section to them if you match up later in life. (I told them 5 times, DO NOT CALL OHIO) Watching what's happened with my dad has been a huge motivator in my life to open my arms to what I'm meant to be doing. And from what I can see, my father worked really hard his entire adult life and had just a couple years to enjoy the fruits of his labor before his illness had progressed. He turns 62 in a few weeks. While I blame Ohio, partly, I cannot help but wish I could turn it all around, even for a week. His illness is the perspective I needed to wake me up to the fact that This Is Not Karaoke, you gotta rock the original. And if someone likes it enough to rub some oil into your back, remember for a second, all those faces you sang to that said "Man, you're awful." Then imagine them on their knees with a ball-gag in their mouth, because they are PIGS, OINK you sick little pig, you OINK FOR ME or I will make you lick my HEELS because…

Well, it's time.

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Excerpt from "Corporate Management: Out of Touch No More"

1) Conference Calls are all-important, and the only way to make them more efficient would be to invite everyone you know from High School. Even though they are not employees, nor do they remember you, the are still people you know and, therefore, need to know about "Implementation of the New Team Thesaurus." And NO, 90 minutes is NOT too long!

2) When someone joins a conference call, the absolute BEST method of establishing a friendly, productive call environment is to cut off every conversation with "HI WHO JUST JOINED?" Even though it's probably somebody you invited to the call, it's important that the newly-joined person understand that they are NOT being persecuted for showing up 2 minutes late to your "Blue Sky Call For Cross-leveraging Synergy of Organizations" at 3pm on a Friday, but instead, welcomed to the gang! The double-beep is also NOT a censorship tone of their special way of saying "HI!"

3) Some may confuse "arm flailing panic" or "getting way ahead of yourself" with your being "ProActive." Be proactive anyway. Someday somebody will be happy that you took 4 hours every other Saturday with your team - UNPAID - to think up what will replace the internet, even though you work in fruit sales.

4) REPEAT AFTER ME: Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. i'm a humorless loser Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. i have to tell people that i am joking Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. i often can't decide btwn standing and sitting to pee Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. i'm overpaid, overannoying, and over.Relax. It's only a spreadsheet.

Alright team, let's be careful out there. If these don't work, throw 'em a $5 card for some coffe giant. Get's 'em every time.
BREAK


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Kate Moss And Coke Zero

STOP the tyrannical onslaught to drugs, models, and partying lifestyles. Kate Moss is getting run through an even skinnier ringer for her drug habit, and my gawd, if she weren't on coke, we'd all be worried that poor Katie's gone anorexic.

She's so thin, Hiram... what could possibly be wrong? Oh, I hope it's not an eating disorder and instead just a little booger sugar.

What the hell are we expecting from public figures with inhuman bodies and features to be ingesting? Kate, did you drink water today? Don't lie to me, I can see it in your skin! Moss wasn't on her way to Cambridge when someone turned on the blacklight and said "here, smell this!" She's a FASHION MODEL. She wears clothing and flashes a nipple and looks annoyed for MILLIONS of dollars. Do we hate her because kids aspire to be her? I would smack a kid who wanted to be a fashion model... in the ASS because it's probably a really sweet ass.

Who gives a sniff if she's on coke, raise your rolled-up Benji. Let's see, that's one guy in the back who thought I was asking if anybody wanted to stab the guy from Good Charlotte. I should be stabbed for knowing there's somebody in that band with that name... but I embarrass myself. Coke, H, weed, booze, X, TrimSpa, Paxil, Leptoprin, Cialis, drug her the hell up and wheel her bony ass onto the runway. $5,000 silk fingerless gloves don't sell themselves, Chubs!



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How Ironical, But Non-Sensical

Hurricane Katrina hits, and the majority of the people affected were those living below the poverty level and are black.
Pardon me a sec whilst I flush PC down the toilet.

So the buses start taking these refugees and survivors to Texas. While there, The Bush Family Players keep hamming it up, including such ee cummings-esque quips as
"...even Senator Trent Lott's mansion was destroyed" -GW Bush
and
"...many of these people lived in poverty before, so (living in this shelter) seems to be agreeing with them" - Former First Lady Barbara Bush
and
"With all that's going on, not many people have been mentioning Iraq" - Fmr President GHW Bush

The proper response is "HOLY F*CKING SHIT, you gotta be rimming me in front of my kids!" But that's not appropriate for this situation.

Just think, all these people who were evacuated out of New Orleans are now in Texas, where another Hurricane is heading, and they're stuck there with the Bush family.
That asscan has more than enough room on his ranch, from what I've seen. Send 'em all there.

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Well Blow Me Down

While others are giving money, I am giving laughter. Anybody truly dwelling in a large, steamy puddle of Reality cannot say that our government helped the Katrina situation with their bungling.

Imagine something like that in your own home town. A flood, a major fire, giraffe stampede, Starbucks closing all of 'em down… Who will help you then? Our government is largely re-actionary. Bad things happen, then they step in and start cleaning it up and using words like "Lessons" and "American People" and "We care." It will be up to us from this point forward. So let's start with the jokes!

In an effort to share humor about a dark situation, here are some pretty funny lines about the Hurricane Katrina tragedy:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/hurricanekatrina/a/katrinajokes.htm

Another good cartoon I saw last week had a hospital bed in one frame, and a floating house in the other, it read:
The Government Stepped In At...
Terry Schiavo - 1 Day
New Orleans - 5 Days

Quotes from Government and News Turds, and some of them will fill your britches on the backside:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/currentevents/a/katrinaquotes.htm

Something a little more tasteless:
http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/05252/568282.stm

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Stuff To Do

1: For crying out loud, clean out your dryer's lint trap. Jeez, you could knit cat sweaters with the muck you've gathered therein. Not to mention, you could totally avoid a huge fire in there.

2: Bring steroids back to professional women's sports, or bring back beach volleyball on prime time TV.

3: Send me an email if you know from electrical wiring issues in the home. I've got a short somewhere, post-inspection, when a nimrod likely re-wired my boards to the fritter pan, and now the brian converters are all, whatever. EMAIL ME!

4: Give a couple extra dollars, say... $25 a month?... to the Red Cross. Here's why...
A friend of mine, 'Stina, has v'teered with the Cross for years. The Cross doesn't just roll in and hand out food, set up cots, and tell stories of happier times. Here are a few things 'Stina told me that the Cross is handling in the post-Katrina, pre-Full Realization Of Inept Government Agency Leadership times:
~ If homes need to be built/rebuilt, they contact places like Habitat For Humanity to roll in and help the building efforts.
~ Relocation efforts of families and people trying to rebuild their lives, including food, clothing, and lodgings.
~ Training and placing people with the right intention into areas where leadership and the Cross are needed.
~ Clean-up duties. What... like WE'RE packing a shovel and squeege right now?
~ Work-specific items lost in a tragic situation that, if you don't have them, will quickly diminish your ability to get back on your feet, i.e.; tools, computers, cars, etc.
~ Medical goods and services
Check out more at their website. Give directly to them. Give through your company if your company is matching donations, and then maybe throw 'em a little extra.

Why? Because we have to count on somebody to help, and the truth of a person's character comes out when things are going really well, and when things are going really really horribly. We can each do something to help, and if it's volunteering to gather clothes, cool. Food? Great. Anything helps, everything helps.

And if that doesn't do it for ya, then get with the Red Cross for no other reason than
They aren't run by the government.

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Back To Us

Read this little blurb this morning, on the Yahoo News site:

In this photo released Wednesday, Sept. 7, 2005, by the Denver Police Department, Jason Glen Tervort, 26, is shown, in Denver Colo. Passengers on a Frontier Airlines plane carrying Hurricane Katrina evacuees from Houston to Denver apparently beat Tervort then tied him up with duct tape after he allegedly assaulted a flight attendant. According to a federal arrest warrant, Tervort walked up to flight attendant Sarah Dinkelman an allegedly poked her in the shoulder and chest while saying, ``I'm a man,''then began pushing and slapping her. (AP Photo/The Denver Police Department)

I
LOVE
THOSE
PASSENGERS!

I'm talking Frontier Justice here, and it needs to come back. Why step up to help AFTER things go bad? Kick someone's ass merely on suspiscion of bad behavior??? Last night at Winged Horse Pizza I started off and immediately got a heckler, a drunken, Looky-Me!, asspipe, shitwad heckler. And he wouldn't shut up, so I laid into him. People loved it. THey were tired of his deal, and his friends wouldn't just reach over and say "Hey man, come on. Head injury or not, don't let your one night off the chain go like this."

I brought up the next comic and then before the headliner, the Drunk, who wasn't even a good heckler, started yapping again. So I told him once more to shut it, and then told the crowd "Alright, I've done all I can, it's on you guys now. It's Vigilante Justice until the end of the show. There's no anti-violence policy here, it's not a cubicle farm. And nobody's gonna tell if one more loser cruiser goes missing."

And he piped down the rest of the time. Maybe it was me, maybe he realized he wasn't getting anywhere with the ladies, or he's just a wad when he's drunk. Or all three. Whatever it is, the past 11 days has shown us that banding together BEFORE things go wrong, and understanding that we're on the same side if it goes down like this, that can get around in a hurry. But it's gotta start somewhere.

I'm off to a wedding in Michigan. I hope Brad and Dave will be very happy.

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Filling Your Holes

Hurricane Katrina has destroyed the city of New Orleans. The water there has 100 times the amount of toxins - many of which are fecal in nature - and the rivers that run through the city streets are littered with debris and corpses. But we can't calm down just yet. It's far from over. Right now we're looking just at the rescue efforts, feeding and sheltering the people who lived through it all. Neighboring states are taking kids from LA, MS, and AL into their homes and school districts. Somehow, people are giving.
Some people are giving a tsunami's-worth of lip service about who screwed up, or how much they are giving to the relief efforts. I've heard that this sports team's owner gave a million, while the company I attend is giving about the same. Just give, and do so without the need to tell everyone how Christ-like your $20 was. People who share the news are probably dropping twice that much each week on coffee and R&B CDs. "Celebrities" are stepping up to ease the suffering by telling everyone else how much they need to give. People in my office are being extra-friendly, as if we all lived through it together and can use this as a Healing Time, okey dokey, smokey artichokey?
You gotta take a look at your Giving Hole. This is the hole that you also Get through. Money will come back to you. Goods will come back to you. Create an opening in your life with the intent of filling somebody else's Getting Hole, and your Getting Hole will be overflowing with goodness. If you constantly draw attention to your Hole, everyone will expect something from it. The Universe can see your Hole under all that ego. Make sure it's pretty enough to be looking into.

Red Cross: Always a good way to go in these situations, but I'm not sure how they disseminate the resources.
WorldVision: Based in Federal Way, this is also a world-wide charitable organization.
Habitat For Humanity: This group will be a key rebuilder of homes when that time comes. Away from Natural Disasters, HfH builds homes for low-income families to get a start in a community. We're all just a couple of bad decisions away from being out on our asses. If you can't see it in yourself to swing your boat around and pick up somebody who's gone overboard, enjoy the icebergs.
FEMA: JOKING! If you see a director of FEMA, kick them squarely in the throat. They held diesel fuel reserves away from New Orleans officials once the Coast Guard notified local officials of it (generator power), they cut local emergency communication lines and set up their own (county Sheriff reconnected them and placed armed guards around switchboxes), and they waited until Katrina hit the coast to tell people to evacuate. Government officials F'ed around and it led to many avoidable tragedies, including not filling school buses with citizens and heading out of town, and Tim McGraw on prime time TV.

Even with all of this going on, people continue to open their homes to the refugees. Bad comedy is still being churned out. Teenagers are still talking on cell phones will driving SUVs. Drugs are still illegal, and now would be a good time to chill out and smell some colors. Everything is back to normal. Sorry.

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Give a little bit

As I sit writing this, I have returned from Sunny Northern California to Sunny Washington, seemingly a million miles away from the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

Mother Nature is a wild woman, not a bitch. She does as she sees fit. And this has happened to America the way it has happened to hundreds of other nations and islands, and millions of other people.

If you have followed the story at all, you know that New Orleans is basically No Man's Land now. It is looted, empty, rotting, soaked, and all but a ghost town. People were taking food, ice, water, and clothing. No problems there, I can understand the need and the gravity of the situation.

But Plasma TV's? Computers? Now we have official criminal acts happening. Disgusting, bottom-rung people. The stories coming from Bayou country are deeply disturbing. People being raped, beaten, car-jacked, mugged. Suicides. Starving people. No medical supplies. No medical attention. Food, shelter, sympathy, and humanity all look to be in short supply. And they can no longer help themselves.

Some day, in this state, we will have our own disaster. Maybe not in our lifetimes. But maybe. And we will depend upon each other to get through it, we'll depend upon people we don't know, people we've never met, who may even live a door or two away. And it's not until the bad things happen and you have a moment to be who you really are that your Character shows.

Honestly, we haven't seen enough of the good that is going on in New Orleans, but there has to be SOME. Right? There's a ton of bad news comin' up the wire. There must be some good in all of this without Leonardo DiCaprio opening his yap on Prime Time TV. We have to get some love and supplies to the area so we can stop Tim McGraw from singing; these people have had enough for one life time.

Give what you can at WorldVision or the Salvation Army. No matter how nice a person on the phone or street looks, people working to help this disaster relief are far too busy to be calling you for donations. Just about anything helps, and the money I'm sending to them will be better spent than whatever I was going to do with it. What comes around, goes around. And hopefully that will come back to benefit me and my community in the future.

Hopefully in the form of neighbors who will take aim and fire shots into the first shitpile looting my place after the first Dolphin War.


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Juxtaposin'

New Orleans is evacuated for hurricane Katrina.

The MTV Video Music Awards still has yet to be rained out, or even so much as yelled at for its opulence. The band or singer in the video is given a trophy if the video they were lip-synching one of their songs in is deemed the best in its category. The very thing that makes a band most-famous (Lip Synching) among the teens (legally protected as "people") most likely to spend their parent's money on the computer that downloads the song By Those One Guy-uhs, is then ridiculed for using a backing track in live performances.

The band is out of their element in a live show. The band can only rock in a very small room with a bare lightbulb suspended from the ceiling, or staring directly into a camera from a stark white room, or in the cul-de-sassy surrounded by roughly 58 metric tons of phat ass and/or costume jew'ry teefus. Green Day, the band, was awarded a trophy for Best Direction of their video "Tolerable Rock Tune 55." They also picked up awards for Editing and Cinematography. The bassist, Mike Dirnt, which if you say it loud enough sounds like a car wreck or the last two notes of a good rock song (MIKE Dirnt), has a lazy eye. What graphing did he cinemato? Is Billie Joe's editing ability rivaled only by Tony "Free Cheese" Moser's?

A lot of bands have been influenced by Green Day. Good or bad, you decide. At least we're not sitting here saying "A lot of bands have been influenced by Hootie And The Blowfish." Not even HATB were that influenced by HATB.

Kanye West is talented. Ludacris is good at marketing. Jamie Foxx loves everything that Jamie Foxx does. Paris Hilton is still Biblically clueless, talentless, and fooling everyone that she is clueless, which is her talent. Hillary Duff is irrelevant, but she doesn't know that. Clay Aiken is where? Lindsay Lohan had her boobs removed, but she doesn't know that.

And now gas prices are going up AGAIN because Hurricane MaryKate is drilling America's choad, and that choad holds black gold. What can you do?

Well, for one, fill up, and take the F off. The price is what they suggest you pay, IF you pay. Hey, download your gas and get the F out of there.

Goodbye, New Orleans. Thanks for the beads.
And goodbye, MTV. Thanks for not giving Suge Knight's security detail to Carson Daly.

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Relief, Reality, Retroaction

As egotistical as it may sound, Saturday night's HAX Premiere Party was kick-ass. I found myself sweating every time a new sketch started, and many times I felt like a teenage girl before her first big date. About to go throw-up, I mean.

The responses to the Premiere ranged from "mildly offended" to "calling the cops." The average responses were "Wow," "Hilairous," "Good work," and "Very impressive." It was a point of pride that our comic friends were laughing, too, as they know Funny. I can't thank everyone enough for coming and sharing that night with us. That was really a cool expereince to put together for everyone who showed up.

I got to meet some really interesting, highly-touted people, too. CEOs, industry leaders, artisans, musicians, a cheesemaker, and a guy who drop-kicked himself down the stairs entering the building. We have really attractive attendees, that's for sure. What did it take to get all of this together? Well...

Killorn O'Neill deserves the majority of the credit for Saturday's just-waxed smoothness. She worked her ass off, creating the artwork, fliers, posters, DVD graphics, and a t-shirt that will soon be available and will kick your fantasy/sci-fi loving ass. She attacts the most lovingly-eccentric people into her life, and I can't say enough about how she pulled this thing together. When you see her, give a tip of the hat, won't you?


Working with everyone on this project was a big growth experience for me. I have had to learn how to communicate all over again, even if I feel like I'm stating the obvious. Sometimes you have to tell something to someone one more time just so YOU know that THEY know exaclty what you're talking about, Moser.

I also realized that I am far more protective of HAX within the group, than when someone tries to bash it from outside. My fear of ever being the one who let the group down came true, in some ways, with the radio fiasco last week. I don't want to be the weak spot in the fence, letting the ego ooze out and stick-ify everything. Accountability to each other and to the 5th Member that is HAX was very important. I didn't want to let anybody down by not keeping my S together. But I don't think about that stuff. My focus is more on keeping my mind open to methods of securing a beer sponsorship. We are the Vulcan Enterprises of Miller Lite in Fremont.

So as I sit here, work-immersed, I am listening to projects being "managed," calls being "conferenced," and raise requests being "laughed at." The reality we created this past Staurday Night is what I'll be doing more of in the future, and almost exclusively within a year. To pull something like that together, and light the fuse on the rocket, takes teamwork, focus, and dedication. Again, thank you for being a part of it, if you showed. I promise to have a more entertaining blog once the invoices are paid.

BTW, Football is back. If you didn't realize that, I'll have to ask you to stop reading until February.

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Oops, I Did It For The First Time Again.

So in the past week I have managed to anger an on-line comedy 'zine and morning radio DJ. The responses by each were, in my opinion, a bit more than necessary, but hey, everyone's entitled to their opinion. Of course, I'd rather have GOOD publicity. I feel a bit bad that I didn't do more for the HAX entity on the radio deal, and that I may have crunched on a friend for vouching for me. Apologies to Nick. Best of luck with the show, man, seriously.

The beneficial sitch here is that the show I was on is almost impossible to listen to. The people who will see the humor in HAX weren't listening to the show where belching on-air is seen as "the hook." Aspire higher. It comes around.

Moral of the story is this:
If you put yourself out there, regardless of your intention, you will be critiqued, mocked, ridiculed, and needled, not to mentioned bothered, shit on, and booed.
Before jumping off the bridge, consider the source of the criticism. Sometimes you make a mistake, and classy people see the mistake and say "Wup, that bombed." Some folks immediately jump on the flub and make it bigger than it is. Why would somebody work so hard to tear someone else down?
Same reason people have done it from the beginning of time.

Because High School is just that important.

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Oops, I Did It For The First Time

Apparently SheckyMagazine had an issue with what I posted in relation to a recent Seattle paper’s profile of Ron Reid, and the ensuing though mild FireStorm that SheckyMag sparked. Anyway, I guess it all comes back to, what I said in my comment, which was removed by SheckyMag’s administrators: Having an opinion of someone else doesn’t mean it has to affect that person. And I meant no disrespect to the Shecky staff in my posting. Just offering a comment in the Comments section.

Shecky’s opinion of me is as such:
I am libelous, and posting anonymously.
My Blogger profile name is “comicstripped,” and it links directly to my Blogger profile, which proudly posts my birth name, “Wild Heffron Pescatelli-Phan, III.” But since my mom has such a bad accent from being an immigrant, and my family grew up so poor, we could only afford Geoff Lott.

As for libel, I did opine that much of the material performed by comics on the first two seasons of Last Comic Standing was not very original. Some of it was very unique, but since I didn't say who I didn't love, I won't say who I liked. I also mentioned that nobody had any particular problem with those comics as People, except for Rich Vos, who is short. One is opinion, the other is understatement, which is also a pun. YAY! Extra life. I may have missed something in retelling this tale, as I have a life and minutiae tends to fade.

Anybody who knows me knows that I am far from the guy who snaps and starts giving everyone the throat-slashing symbol for not finding me palatable. But it would be just dumb of me to not step out my front door to find out who is calling me names. My humor, however, is indeed geared towards understatement and mild-roasting. But I’m rarely malicious. And my “libelous” or “defamatory” or “opinionated” was no more heated than the use of the word “stunk” that started it all. I did spell Peter Greyy’s last name with as many as 87 “y”s, however, and for that I fall now upon my keyboard. To some people, being called "funny" is libelous.

My opinion of SheckyMagazine, since they wanted to have a go, is as follows:
They are defending the comedy community (LCS) against the comedy community (Ron Reid), which makes them both oddly divisive and Butt-insky's.
They understand that comedy, in all it’s forms, is only good and progressive when it is Politically Correct and not bothering anybody.
They insinuate that people are libelous, while they themselves prefer to appear atop the regal Comedy Steed, defending sensitive comics everywhere from people who do, watch, write, and have a passion for stand-up comedy.

I honestly have no clue what I said that was libelous, and my anonymity can only be decrypted by the most skilled of those who are able to click a link. It all started with an opinion of an opinion of an opinion and so-on, and now they are in the parking lot waiting for me to come outside with Rich Vos on the Motorola. Oh man, I hope I didn’t hurt the feelings of people who could give a shit if I’m alive.

I wonder if they put up with this shit in the improv community…



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To Be, Or Not To Be. It's Not A Question.

Earlier this week I read this blog entry by Peter Greyy. Peter is an Entertainer; a comic, a writer, a musically active DJ, and fount, a FOUNT I say, of Pop Culture knowledge. It's not trivia with Peter, it's Life. And it's one of the reasons I respect and darn near love the guy.

Peter is as welcoming, honest, and good-natured as anyone I've ever met. He is nice, and not the bad kind of Nice. He's not "I wonder what this talk about StinkFinger is"-nice. He's a great guy. The blog he wrote detailed the straight dope about a kid who came into the comedy clubs in Seattle with a chip on his shoulder and the other chips in his mouth, and then asked if he could have some chips for free. Read Peter's stuff, btw, it's very well written and organized, unlike my trail-mix ideas that come tumbling from my rucksack mind on this blog. Quick synopsis of the blog, for which I am eternally grateful that Peter wrote because it's a story that makes me laugh, kind of like "Where The Red Fern Grows" or "The Story Of O:"
Kid shows up in the comedy clubs, and just starts hanging around, going up when he can, not doing well ever, and then, on the final night, within minutes of each even, figuratively shits himself, but not before literally vomiting on himself.

Not that night, but I had seen his act. I interacted with him. I could barely understand a word he said. I've seen him nod out, face on the table, in the back of clubs. He told street jokes, he told foul jokes, he rarely got laughs. It was what was for his trip through the clubs. But don't cry for him, Rodger Lizzaololola. I feel bad that the kid didn't find the same spark in comedy that other comics I've met and become integrated with have found. Comedy is undeniable in the soul of the comic. Most of us have always been witty, sarcastic, funny, dark, twisted, much the way some people are tall, thin, plum-colored, foul-smelling, or skid-marked. Funny is a trait, and the more people I meet I believe that Funny is in the wiring.

That wiring can't ever be shorted out. Some guys are all-Funny. Some comics cross Funny wires with Smarts wires. Some cross Funny with Hyper. But the wires gotta be there. It can be muted, or there's not as many outlets for it, or the wattage attenuates if the circuit isn't kept clean and free of interference. But some people just don't have Stage Funny. And Stage Funny is miles away from "hanging over your desk, hey, have ya heard this one about Michael Jackson, Larry the Cable Guy, and Mother Teresa's tampon?" (punchline, btw: Sorry Mike, but me and the old gal are gonna feed these hotwings to the hungry, Get 'er doodles.) The kid in Peter's blog Did Not Have It. And anybody who thinks everyone should be super nice and coddle anybody who Does Not Have It, well, they Do Not Get It.

How else can I say this. The guy just won't make it in comedy. Most people won't. That's what makes comics different and unique, the way that Walter Payton was unique, the way Roger Clemens is unique, the way that Rosa Parks is unique. There's something else "in there" that certain people in society have, and others don't. If you've ever looked at paintings by different artists, you may have seen one and said "Wow, I get it. Okay, yeah, it's not a Thing, it's mostly just red and upside down it looks like an eye or Cousin Oliver, but I get it." The other painting just made you go "F*ck this a-hole. What a masturbatory waste of time. Trees can't crap rainbow turds to be eaten by Willard Scott, no matter how hard I wish. At least the bar's free."

At first, after reading Peter's blog, I had to stop laughing. Then I felt some empathy for the kid because he was hoping comedy would just fall into his lap. Instead, it was just a cocktail of HandiSnaks and Robitussin that expired when Lewinsky was a cigar cutter. After that, I just felt like, eh, sorry kid, it's not your thing. Stand-up comedy is one of a very limited number of things I am passionate about in my life. Stand-up is NOT the person on stage, it is an Entity. Baseball is not the players, it's the Game and the parking and the smell of Mexican steroids wafting from the first baseman after the Winstrol was muled into New Mexico by a Venezuelan prospect. Football is not Terrell Owens, it is the legends and the fans and living until you're 57. Comedy is not the Comic, but the Comic can't help but do their best to be Comedy.

The good news is that the kid will soon return to the clubs with a new focus and drive to get on stage. When that happens, I hope I'm wearing Kevlar.

I just spent 40 minutes saying this:
You can't win 'em all.
I'm a turd.
======
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Pre-Weekend Wrap-up

Let's see here, what to do this weekend...

Well, PosterMidget has come through and is printing up all kinds of posters for the HAX-TV Premiere Night Happygasm... you'll be there. I got that to do tonight.

THE Marc Maron is supposedly at Giggles Comedy Club, but I'm not sure who exactly will Terry that I used the word "supposedly." I hope Maron's there, because he is a phenomenal comic, in the sense that he can make you laugh by talking about the everyday things and how they affect him.

Frankly, I hope he's there because I could stand me some Maron. Mishna Wolff, his wife, is gonna be there, too, and she's a great comic, as well. So it's a good weekend of comedy here in Seattle. I have no idea who is at the Comedy Underground, but only because I can't remember, not out of any spite.

If you go to a comedy show and see a comic who is non-white, you can count on a few things being said while that performer is performing:
Funny ways parents of other cultures talk, financial problems based on skin color, financial problems while young, silly and/or crazy food eaten by their famiry WHOOPS- famiLy, a scenario in which a stereotype of their culture comes back to haunt them, and the use of words "White People," "Caucasians," and whatever derogatory term is used for their ethnicity.
Those are the basis of most non-white comics' material. It is the sticky rice, the collard greens, the frijoles, if you will. And I think that you, as a comedy-goer, deserve better.

So as I sign off with my blonde hair and blue eyes, I will say this:
Stereotypes are not assigned, they are earned by mentioning the observation of repetitive actions of large numbers of people that look like you do. To break them, we have to stop eating dogs, stop having sex with fat white women to cover rent, stop not doing anything, and stop trying to blow things up because we're mad at the court. From here on, we're all one big happy family, so look out Gay People!

I'm Geoff Lott, and you can hands-free eat my ass.
==========
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I'm Too Busy, Spank Your Own Self

I haven't written in a while, very busy with the HAX-TV Premiere night, comedy, and acting like work matters. I'm enjoying the weather, a recent run of strong sets, and learning all that it takes to get a production like the HAX-TV Premiere Night Extravagasm fired up.

I know I said I would try to make every blog count, but I ain't got the cheese today, dear moppets. I have too much else going on to talk about how www.tonx.org was voted as Seattle's best blog (read it for yourself. Totally the best blog about Coffee Shop Life that you'll ever rezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....). And I'm far too busy to discuss the fact that bitter old queens don't make for very fun people to be around, especially when they need constant dabbing and changing of their ego diapers. Check my schedule and you'll see that I have NO TIME, sorry, to tell you that we can help the police in our neighborhoods by handling our own business like adults, who have guns, or attack cobras. And wow, it would be impossible for me to fit in the fact that recruiting a squirrel army is harder than you'd think, especially when it comes to organizing meetings, filling out paper-work, or even telling them apart without itty bitty fur-sticking nametags.

In the meantime, get your plans together for the HAX-TV Premiere Special Blowout Of Your FunnyBones And Pants. Hit the Media page, get ready for the Advertising blitz, and start conditioning your laughter holes.

And quit telling me what to do. I'll get my army together if I have to give every last nut.

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The Church Of Wit and The Guiding Light Of Funny

Interminable story-telling.
Need for attention.
"Look at me!"
"Keep doing that!"
More stories nobody cares about.
Bitterness.
Mindless drinking.
I'M NOT LOOKING AT YOU, so shut up.
It's not about you.

Life will be around to write your check when it gets done with the those who have died from ethnic cleansing, drunken drivers crossing the median, and being born with a bad heart before ever having a name.

I don't like telling people what to do without it being solicited, but the way you take yourself so seriously is the funniest thing you've ever done. I see why you play your Game For One. It's the only way you can never lose.

What am I thinking? You always beat yourself!
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Bob, Tony, And Cake I'll Eat, Too

Anyone who takes themself seriously should be forced to watch every Ethan Hawke movie on a 6-day reel. Because on the 7th day, they are going to be strapped into a seat listening to Alanis until they either grow a vagina or theirs grows a skin flap.
And that only kind of was intended for the person who restricted my access to a doorless hallway full of pictures while the FedEx guy peeled off with BOXES, the number two method of potential scary time, and wasn't even questioned.

"Well, he's the FuxEd guy, I mean... HE HAS A CLIPBOARD." You can't argue with that logic.
Oh dear, if anyone needs me I'll be "in my place." (braaaap) Gotta make sure people like me don't go wreckin' the Alan Jackson displays.

Now... BIG Thank You to the Bob Rivers crew for having me on this morning. I get a little nervous about radio because it's a small crowd and they all know each other. But I let go of the fear because I'm a comic and can make the best of a bad situation. I once gave a 45minute Excel presentation and was getting laughs, so radio's no sweat. Some people go on and eat it, but I got a total of 3, count 'em, 3 bells this morning, including a DOUBLE-DINGER. So while I got one bell, then got no bells for a few minutes, I made up for it with...
oh hell, who gives a rip? The point is that I had fun and hope to be back with the Bob Rivers gang again in the future. Those guys are great! Sadly, they compete with my other favorite morning show of MadFab and Maynardo but like my grampa used to say, "Some days, it's all you can do just to get the body in the trunk." Got that right.

Giggles, Tonight, 8:30 and 10pm. 206-526-JOKE for reservations

Tomorrow is the party for Tony "SteakLimbs" Moser who is a phenomenal video editor and a grade-A SakeBomber. He likes it hot. We're kickballing until our balls get kicked to kingdom come, granted that Killoojy O'Handwrappascar will be plying us with wrapped weiners and a tapped pony keg. Standard rules, no skirts on the ball field, 3rd inning is In Your Cups inning, where the infield has to play while holding their Solo, both teams. 5th inning, if we're still alive, is Double in The Gap, where we chug at 2nd before advancing.

That's the kind of intensity I like to see at the Cobra-Kai dojo.
www.haxtv.com
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Like A Hickey

Whaddayoo mean you ain't seen The HAX-TV Promo Reel yet? It's never going to work without YOU!!!

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Buttons, Knobs, and Globes

I often find myself walking up to the line in the sand that says “Cross, and… well, I don’t know what’s going to happen.” For a long time I have been a firm believer that if you shake your own Sno-Globe before some-one/thing/a-pipe does, you are never going to be unable to handle thethings coming your way. And by “shake” I don’t mean that you should go to the extremes of pet adoption, jingoism, or divorce. Hey, you marry Gay, YOU STAY GAY. Challenging your own status quo is a great way to grow at your own pace, instead of being racked and rolled.

The first half of last week I lived like a man on a mission. Tons of phone calls, some of my best writing, fearless comedy deliveries, planning my future, re-working my budget, trimming the bustle in my hedgerow, etc. I was getting things DONE, people. Then, come Saturday, I hit a wall or a pothole or a bump or a dip or a crater. I dumped the tanks on the “Balance Cruiser” and spent Saturday night in a haze, and Sunday in a weird state of confusion and dread. I felt as if I was being either punished or tested, for what I did not know. So my head started making laps like qualifying for the Freud 500, and every gauge was showing low pressure, but redline revving.

I felt like I had no shields to deflect any thing coming my way. My sensors needed re-calibrating. Some were wide open, some dim, some just read everything as incoming artillery. I then started wondering if what I was feeling was of my own creation, instead of someone else’s . Ah, the thin line of Rational Thought and Emotional Presence:
If I Choose To Be Happy, Do I Become Blind To My Troubles, or Do I Light The Way For Others?

And THIS my friends is the bane of my existence. Since I was a kid I have been able to see either side of an argument quicker than you can say “Michael Jackson, Guilty Of Thrillin’ You.” Thusly, I rarely see a benefit in taking a side unless I have some throbbing, purple-headed reaction to the sitch. I see small decisions having giant ripples, and big decisions as flaccid and shriveled. And why the hell am I being told what this person is telling me? How can I be told such a thing and be expected to stare back, blankly, when, isn’t it obvious, that this is the kind of information that someone tells you when they WANT AN EMOTIONAL REACTION? And if you are attempting to elicit a reaction, you are reaching under my console to push buttons you shouldn’t push. One of them is, after all, The Button. Boom.

Perhaps yesterday was a Perspective Day. It was the Blink that cured the Highway Hypnosis of my “Business side.” I gained insight into some key areas of my life that I would not have seen had I held blind allegiance to the Happy Nation flag. I re-established the link with things and people that are most important to me. But I did realize how little I like to feel tested, and how much I truly care about the people in my life. I’m not always right, but I can at least see when I’m wrong. And I’m rarely wrong, although I am often mistaken. I can’t sweat the small stuff. And if my small stuff is big stuff to you, remember, I’ll always think it’s smaller than it is, until I think it’s bigger than it is, at which point somebody will tell me, no, Geoff, it’s not that big.

Stuff, I mean.

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Of Accountability and Satchels

My debit card was one of a trailer-load that MAY have been compromised when somebody left their IM open at a bank and threw most of King County into terror.

I got a new card a week ago, but no PIN number, as something went to, then back from, my old address. The one thing that I needed, that PIN, was returned. I have a shiny new card, money in the bank, and no access to it without, gulp, filling out a withdrawal slip.

I had no idea the revolution was going to happen so soon. I had it penciled in for early October, but I've been really busy, so...

In the event somebody DID steal my identity, I'm only gonna say this once:
You do so much as ONE hacky joke, and I'll personally Horse you Enumclaw-style.
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In response to the tragedies of the London transportation bombings, New York City's police and/or Port Authority officials are going to start conducting random bag searches.

"WHAT?!" somebody exclaims. "INFRINGE ON MY FREEDOM?!?!" No. Infringe on Privacy. Big diff. And if you're trying to hit the subway and tell a badged person to "put (their) head in (their) ass and a bag and search THAT for a sign of intelligence, DoucheNozzle!" or something to that effect, well gosh, you just ain't gettin' on the train.
People don't want to trade privacy for security. The invasive searches step all over privacy, and by privacy I mean the right to hide embarrassing things in a bag or sack. These Peeky Petes are looking for bombs, explosives, hazardous materials such as guns or children. It's a measure to keep things safe.

Take a deep breath. It's not illegal to carry a bag. Nor is it illegal to carry, in that bag, something that makes the search-party question why they even took the assignment. In their search for boombooms, they may come across a pickle jar filled with a gooey, brown substance interlaced with Romaine lettuce, the jar be-labled "July 5, '05." They don't have to know it's only brownie batter. It's a hassle, it's annoying, it's invasive, and until people stop acting batshit-crazy in the name of their false god, it's 100% necessary. I don't think that ALL Muslims are psychotic suicide bombers. I don't even think .001% of them are.

Don't worry, if they do it right, only the shifty Middle-easterners are going to get searched, every friggin' time. Profiling? Yep. The extremists who are blowing things up and killing innocent, hourly workers, 99% of the time, have the same complexion, hairline, and belief system. YES, white people blow shit up, too, but the subway staircases are too narrow for "Something Ray Something-kins" to get the rental van down it. Eventually, if done correctly, the searches will take place in our homes, where we'll be surprised and stripped down, then made to dance like a tiny ballerina, dooty doo ballerina DANCE FOR FREEDOM.

OR, we can fast forward 10 years and say "These bombings could have been avoided if they'd just started checking people's bags, I mean, who wouldn't stop for 2 seconds just to, hold on... yes, please fill my StarBucks Bag with 1/2-caff and one Sugar pill, I'll turn the drip on later." Win or lose, I need to stop carrying the alarm clock and road flares HA HA HA HA HA thank you Open Mic skills!

I speak from experience when I say that these added security measures are inconvenient. Each time I fly somewhere, I get stopped and wand-searched because I have a rod in my leg as a result of an accident that the government said was due to terrorists. The guy piloting the motorcycle that caused me to have a really shitty Thursday morning was high on heroin, which probably came from Yakima or Kabul.
His decisions back THEN caused me to get searched each time NOW, and therefore Terrorism affects us all, so sayeth the Gubment. I guess they have to be careful.

Whatever, I'm tired. Put weird shit in your bag so they can search away, don't wipe your ass for two days before flying, and you'll be fidgety enough to get strip searched. F*ck You Right Back, Patriot Act. Look into my ass-eye.

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The Kid Stays In The Picture, His Dad Can Eat It

President Bush 2: Son Of Ridicula, nominated John G. Roberts, Jr. for Supreme Court justice sometime in the past few weeks. I don't watch much news unless I'm on it. So John G. Roberts, Jr., who may be even whiter than his name belies, brings his family to the White House for the announcement by W. of John G. Roberts, Jr.'s nomination.

The nation that kind of cares watches as the Prez recites what is written for him on a Kid's Menu from Air Force One (re-named Air Force Fun on Saturdays). And as John G. Roberts, Jr. stands near the 6th Most Powerful Man in the Nation (behind Jordan, Dr. Phil, and the alien controlling Cheney's pacemaker -tie- Tom Cruise, and whomever has Lance Armstrong's preserved jingler), Robert's son starts GOING FOR IT!

YOU WANT A HERO, YOU F*CKING GOT A HERO




Let's go over this picture, clockwise.

Left to right, dad's trying to keep his composure. He's realizing that he can't do the normal beating of the boy on TV, even if the President would be cheering him on, but he's planning a good guilt trip the boy will take with him into his career as a GloryHole. Daddy John's got a sort of sick pride in the boy, and likes that he's rambunctious enough to off-set the queer saddle shoes.

W., well, he may be oblivious. It's not uncommon for him to blank out when kids fidget, if you remember story-time on that fateful September morning. The script doesn't say anything about acknowledging child-like, gleeful seizures, so words words words "say, I sure could go for a twirl myself right now."

Wifey's mortified. That boy would be stifling sobs right now if it weren't for the 3 Xanax she chewed down with the mimosa. She can't even look at what her loins have produced. She's either counting backwards from 10, or trying to remember the name of that homeless man she gave a dollar to in hopes of plotting a child abuction. "the code word is... damn him... the code word is FootLoose."

The daughter's got a death-grip on mom, trying to kill little John with her thoughts, knowing that if she so much as sighed she'd get a Richter-scale shaking. This is one moment that will be replayed when she's found at a party with a joint and 4 hickeys, two from her gym teacher, Ms. Danskin.

And finally, our Protagonist, Little John. Crunkin' the conference up like it ain't got nothin' to do with nothin' but sugar and a Little Titans marathon. He's a mascara smudge and tear-drop away from the first-ever televised Honky Krumpin'. And that soundtrack that kids have when they are in the flow, oh man:
"My dad, is the KING and my sister is a FART, and my mom is a BRAT, and I can DANCE like a ROBOT and a ROBOT goes like THIS and I FART and my sister SMELLS it because she is a FART BRAT and I go pee on the CAT that my sister cannot HAVE because Daddy ran it OVER in the car that Mom THREW UP inside, after all that JUICE at Uncle DAN's party farty farty fart fart BUTT BOOBS..." (to the bridge)

Unhinged, unsolicited, unconscious. The kid's got style. Rock on, little weirdo. You may never be able to drive a car or understand why your first family left you at a Toys R Us, but I'm in your corner. I hope your dad gets the appointment, and I hope you dance so well that someday you get Britney Spears' sister pregnant.

I hope you dance.
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the preceding blog is a challenge to other Seattle comic bloggers to Krump my Blog. Whatchoo got?
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Shopping list: Sponge on a stick, Spray Deodorant, Apology Cards

Last night I went to the home of A-Bomb, Moses In JamShorts, and The Ghost Of Warranty Past. The Ghost done sliced up her hand this past weekend, her right hand. It's giving her troubles, to say the least. I'm happy she's okay.

That being said, the weather's been warm, unkind to the mammals of the planet who perspirate. Let's just leave it at this:

When your right hand is bandaged and needs to stay dry, sometimes, just sometimes, your left armpit can pack quite a wallop. Compared to that, my nose has been more delicately punched.

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Customary Disservice

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ACHTUNG!

Crash Callahan is at it again.

Check out her blog update for July14th, and see what I'm talking about. She posted a statement from some Kraut philosopher stating "Any concept of Truth is an Act of Faith."

Germany produces great cars, great beer, fine people, and phenomenal weirdos. They are either dancing in a circle, eating an ex-gay-lover fricassee, or spreading panic via simple statements. Be thee Jung'er than you are Freud (I know, Karl was Swiss, chill), psychology is the study of behavior based on how your brain is wired, and how your brain is wired is up to you.

The way I see the statement up there is this:
Concept is a word meaning "idea," and an Idea of Truth is a Belief. It's not hard evidence, it's Faith. So that statement is true for itself... but not for everything. It's not absolute. What I BELIEVE to be True (Tom Cruise is an alien, Tigers are homophobic, work sucks) is true only in my world. Some people thing Tom's more gay than alien, and therefore hated by tigers. But let's not get off track here.

Anything you believe to be True is true to you. Any thing you KNOW to be true is probably true to someone else. Faith is not math and numbers and paint swatches. How do you know today is even real? Because you can feel your hangover, that's how.

Okay, I gotta go, sorry I can't expound on this, but Elbows O'Noodle, A-Bomb, and The Geoff Lott Experience talked about this last night and it got me thinking. That's what philosophy is supposed to do; create a perspective in your head so that while you are pondering the universe, that noise in the background is the showering off of whatever you went home with last night. Make sure you get out before they marinate you.

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The Report Was Neither Toxic, Nor Collegiate

Toxicology reports have come back in regards to the passing of one of Stand Up Comedy's true Stars, Mitch Hedberg.

Mitch died of Clone Poisoning. While the causes of clone poisoning can be found at any comedy open mic, the vaccine is untested. If anybody who believes they are affected by the Hedberg strain of CP would please call OriginalityLabs IMMEDIATELY, everyone, especially Mitch's soul, would be greatly less critical of you.

Funniest Story I've Heard In Relation To Mitch's Passing:
And no, I don't know why I've decided to drop this stuff today as opposed to 3 months ago when it happened.

This story was told by Craig Gass on The Robin And Maynard show a little over a week ago. (the more I learn about Craig, the more I like him. He's locally raised, has a successful career going without an agent or manager, and for what it's worth, is quite an amazing impressionist)

There were numerous memorials for Mitch, two of which were comic-centric. One in LA at the Friar's Club gathered many comics with many industry types, and friends and family of Mitch. Doug Stanhope hosted the affair. As many of the stories began with "This one time, Mitch and I were so drunk/high/wasted/Republican" or what-have-thee, and it was making a few people cringe and shift considering the sad and foggy circumstances surrounding Mitch's death.

After a number of these stories had started like that in-a-row, and ellicited the reactions as noted in-a-row, Doug comes on stage and says (paraphrasing):
"Hey, look, some of you are cringing at the fact that we're recounting a time or two when we were drunk or high with Mitch, but that's part of what we loved about Mitch, he pushed the fun limit. (getting worked up) He wouldn't be crying about it. (getting angrier)
Hey, when Ralphie May keels over nobody's gonna be crying about how they should have pulled the chowder bowl away from him."

I'm done linking, so get your own Ralphie May picture.

Comedy, I love you, you whore.

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