Excerpt from "Corporate Management: Out of Touch No More"

1) Conference Calls are all-important, and the only way to make them more efficient would be to invite everyone you know from High School. Even though they are not employees, nor do they remember you, the are still people you know and, therefore, need to know about "Implementation of the New Team Thesaurus." And NO, 90 minutes is NOT too long!

2) When someone joins a conference call, the absolute BEST method of establishing a friendly, productive call environment is to cut off every conversation with "HI WHO JUST JOINED?" Even though it's probably somebody you invited to the call, it's important that the newly-joined person understand that they are NOT being persecuted for showing up 2 minutes late to your "Blue Sky Call For Cross-leveraging Synergy of Organizations" at 3pm on a Friday, but instead, welcomed to the gang! The double-beep is also NOT a censorship tone of their special way of saying "HI!"

3) Some may confuse "arm flailing panic" or "getting way ahead of yourself" with your being "ProActive." Be proactive anyway. Someday somebody will be happy that you took 4 hours every other Saturday with your team - UNPAID - to think up what will replace the internet, even though you work in fruit sales.

4) REPEAT AFTER ME: Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. i'm a humorless loser Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. i have to tell people that i am joking Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. i often can't decide btwn standing and sitting to pee Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. Relax. It's only a spreadsheet. i'm overpaid, overannoying, and over.Relax. It's only a spreadsheet.

Alright team, let's be careful out there. If these don't work, throw 'em a $5 card for some coffe giant. Get's 'em every time.
BREAK


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