Workin' It: Good Intentions vs. Good Traffic

There are days, as a new dad, that getting out of bed before 6:45 anti-Meridian is as likely as Barack Obama second-guessing himself. But today I was DETERMINED to do so. Getting a good start on the day is vital to getting the F outta work early.

So I got up and got moving. With only the most-minor lollygagging, I was outta the house by about 7:45 so that I could get to work at a decent hour, so that I could walk the 1/4-mile from the off-site, across-street, near-campus parking afforded to me, the lowly contractor.

Normally I'll leave the house around 8:10-8:20 and, with but a few red light waits (great name for a bearded indie band NOW NOW NOW) I zip to work and arrive by 8:45. Today, ha HA!, I left around 7:50. There was a back-up to the on-ramp, through 2 lights, stretching nearly 1.5miles. I thought it was just a small backer at the crosswalk as some Immigrant youth made their way to the public transit stop so as to ride to their "America Today!" classes. NOPE... Big stinkin' backup. So I said a long stream of expletives about debt and mortgages and sleep deprivation and the entitlement of youth and people who buy Aplets & Cotlets and why can't I install a new version of an internet browser at work instead of the shit-pile that is IE6 which does NOT have tabbed browsing??? NO, it does NOT have it unless you bang-in the MSN Toolbar which I cannot do, as I'm lacking admin privileges on this machine. Otherwise I'd be elbows-deep in iTunes. Pssssh!

The huge back-up to the on-ramp ellicited a new circuitous route to 405-North.

Long-story short, when it comes to your morning commute, there are 2 things you must keep in mind.
FIRST, are you leaving the house at a time when you are accustomed-to, even if it gets you into the office a bit later, but absolves you of jams longer than Phish unspooling at Bonnaroo?
SECOND, are you knocking out your debt so that this morning commute will soon be a thing of the past and you can take that drive leisurely in the near future, driving in the carpool lane with your giant middle finger raised to the Rat Racers?

Had I not left for Los Angeles a few years ago we'd likely not be in a position where I'd have to go do this work or take this trip. But Life is funny the way bee stings are tingly. You gotta go and do a few different things to really remind yourself of why you gotta stay the F outta debt.

To paraphrase Thoreau, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, thy traffic maps be damned." What an asshole. Probably telecommuted.



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MC, HOST, CORPORATE, EVENTS, NPO, NON-PROFIT, SEATTLE, VOLUNTEER, CAREER, BEST

Mock Nerdle Tech

Somewhere in my DNA are a number of genes that are coded to produce moments of comedy. These moments aren’t always in the presence of others. I can’t really choose when it happens, usually. I feel it happen somewhere in my lymphatic system and then the connection completes and zap… comedy. Hoo-ray. It’s like trying to keep magnets apart. You can do it, but nature is making it happen in ways you are in no way emotionally ready to comprehend. And when these moments happen, I am at my most blissful, while somebody around me is usually suffering for it. In other words, if somebody gots theyself a goat, hoo-dawggy, I’m-a wanna git that goat! I did not choose Comedy. I chose football. But Comedy chose Me, and I have fewer shoulder aches from comedy, and almost never have to do windsprints for it.

And this kind of humor doesn’t always go well with the sensitivities, not to mention tight-ass’edness, of what I’ve come to see as “other people.” For example…

1) The FreeRange Tofurky Incident (involving a woman who was covered in cat hair-covered fleece)

2) The “Ice, No, but We Sell The Ingredients” Sale (retort to a woman who resembled a potato)

3) The “Is My Wife In Here?” Bartending Moment (wittiest comeback of my life followed that question)

4) Suggesting “Bring Your Child To Work” Day at Planned Parenthood (FIRED!)

But today was really a fantastic moment in my history of jerky humor.

At the vending machine at my new job, a guy’s purchase had hung-up on the way out of the rack. 6.5oz of $1 TrailMix held-back by the foil corner of the neighboring Oats & Honey granola bar. I suggested he either rock the machine, forearm-shiver the machine, or buy a cheaper item above or next to it, so as to “encourage” the release.

Me: Rock it a little. Like a baby.
Him: You can’t, it’s strapped to the wall.
Me: Bummer. Buy the granola bar, it’ll be cheaper than…
Him: … there we go… aw CRAP.

He bought ANOTHER $1 TrailMix, the one behind the first purchase. So the first one fell, while the one behind it HUNG UP ON THE GRANOLA BAR CORNER… Something about the definition of insanity.

So now he’s $2 in, and I say “Can you nudge it a little?”

Me: Can you nudge it a little?
Him: Why? It’s not gonna fall, it's stuck there Jeez. Well, somebody will get a free one I guess. (sulks away)

He turns the corner to leave and I shake my head, count to 5-IrishWhiskey, then blurt out “Oh awesome! FREE TRAIL MIX!”

He comes back around the corner with eyes wide, just as I start laughing and I say “Just kidding.” He wasn’t amused. I almost peed the inside of my pants with enough pee that it would show to the outside of my pants that very likely I had peed them through from the inside to the outside.

I don’t work or meet with this guy. But if I ever do, not matter what he tells other people about me, he’s the guy who paid $2 for crappy TrailMix, and didn’t have the balls to shoulder a 600-lb machine for what’s rightfully his.

All your TrailMix are ours.

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Insurance Policies & Other Horseshit

Greetings;

In the past, whenever I was an employee of a company, I had health coverage supplied by my employer. In the past 5 years since I began working on-contract it has become more difficult to guarantee coverage. There is often a 90-day working period without coverage. Monthly COBRA payments often cost over $1,000 for "peace of mind." I am currently working on-contract again, and have to supply my own health coverage entirely. And cannot get it. And I'm not sure I want it.

Health Insurance companies generalize and blanket a judgment of a level of care a person may need, based on a questionnaire you must fill out for the insurance provider. Proof-positive that we are looked at as statistics, not patients, and especially not people. This is true when they "score" a person's health history questionnaire. That score determines whether or not you have the ability to pay into the pool of money you may need to cover a doctor's visit. Or a hospital stay.

I recently paid out-of-pocket for a doctor's visit and my prescriptions. Total was $290. Had I paid into the plan I had applied for, I would have paid THE SAME payments toward the deductible, as well as the monthly $170 premium for them to keep track of my money for me. I had to go to a walk-in clinic instead of my choice of care-provider. I got most of what I needed. $170*2months = $340 + $40 of co-pays = $380. Simple math.

So sit tight if you have health coverage already. Don't set out on your own. Don't skydive, or drink too much, or take up Tokyo Drifting or self-tattooing. Do nothing whatsoever. Let your government make the case for you that you are worthy of a health care plan, THE WETNESS OF THE AMERICAN DREAM... and force you into taking one.

Ironically enough, I am currently on-contract for a major Health Insurance company. They shall remain nameless out of courtesy to those I work with, and the round-about ways money makes it to my pocket. So don't ask. From what I can tell, this company (also a non-profit firm) is doing all it can to keep things flowing, and as complicated as the Inflow and Outflow of claims and money goes these days, I'm amazed we don't just give our favorite doctor $1000 at the beginning of the year and say "tell me when I'm down to the last $200."

That kind of stuff'll make you sick, crazy, and in need of in-patient psych work. More than you need now, I mean.

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MC, MASTER OF CEREMONIES, HOSTING, HOST, COMEDY, SEATTLE, EVENTS, ORGS, EVENT, PARTIES, FUNDRAISING, NPO, NON-PROFITS