Scan You Believe It? (WITH PICTURES!)

The Safety Assholes have implemented a new "security" procedure you will be forced to partake in the next time you decide to fly instead of drive to Vegas.... OOOH, LOOK AT THE HIGH ROLLER! Between a dose of radio waves shot at your carcass - in hopes of finding that bootknife ticked nicely 'neath your man-teat, or perhaps a few extra ounces of Pert you think you can't live without in Iowa - or gruff pat-down by a TSA uniformed person who passed their most-recent drug test, we, as American travelers, are safe at the security checkpoints. I would like to believe these agents are all cast-offs from the CIA, having missed that Director position by just the sliiiiightest of drug tests. They needed someplace to go, someplace to work for and with the United States of America, and the TSA is way better than work-release programs. Usually.


Due to an unplanned interaction with a very sober motorcycle being ridden by a very intoxicated assclown in 1998 and my left tibia, I have a rod in my leg that sets off airport metal detectors. It has done so in all but 1 scanner I've gone through since 1999 (Oakland, CA, 2006). I'm pre-9/11 "Homeland Security" Agent-bait; white guy who usually flies alone in coach with one unchecked bag. Oh yeah... Danger. By now I should be in a database when I check-in for my boarding pass that says "This guy's got a rod in his leg, and acts like it's a stick up his ass. Take it easy."

Usually I get pulled aside, stood in the glass corral and made to wait until the "Male Assist" shows up to frowningly lead me to another area where he waves a wand over my entire body to make sure I'm not lying when I say my body has a rod that cannot be trusted. Takes a minimum of five extra minutes each time. The wait is entirely dependent upon how quickly the Male Assist makes it over to the pen to lead me past other travelers wondering why I'm getting yanked aside, do NOT pardon the pun. It's not fun. It's a nuisance. And it's usually me or some old broad with a re-built shoulder waiting to be given back our effects and get to some airport DRANKIN'. There's a brief pat-down of my bod, then I get to put on all my shoes and belts and grab my stuff and think of jokes to write about how lucky I feel to be getting on a plane where I won't be troubled by dignity. It sucks, I understand why it's done, and issuing me some sort of government-approved card/bar scanner with my photo-ID that says "Cleared, leg/ass-rod" is not an option, because eventually somebody will F up and try to smuggle some beverage on-board instead of just buying the $6 Skyy.


The new TSA scanners grab pics like this one:
This is a test-photo wherein the scanned woman (I believe it is) was digitally reduced to a glowing white, giggling, .22cal-packing ghost. She was not allowed onto the plane in this state of being, deemed by Virgin Airlines as "underattractive." Sorry there, Backfat, better luck on Southwest.
The scanners emit 10,000 times LESS radio activity than your average cell-phone conversation, which is still 100,000,000 times longer than mine, I'm sure. Still, you should be opting-out for the pat-down. And YES, it will include a feel between and under the lady's breasts, and a firm-but-fair hand-saunter through your undergarden. Grandma needs a go, I guess. You're welcome. MEN, if you're truly worried about the radiation, do the right thing: TUCK YOUR FUNDLE UNDER & BACK.

Or if the pat-down is your thing, just sit back, and with a blissful look on your face, repeat the words to the 4th Amendment of the Constitution (link there is for a t-shirt version you should wear):

"The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."

I do believe that a "reasonable" (i.e. a pre-targeted and ethnically-profiled) search of people getting on a plane is perfectly fine and legal.

We do complain about being REACTIONARY instead of PRECAUTIONARY, going all-out post-facto before the fan stops spinning the shit off itself. However, after 11+ years of groping and wanding and extra time sliced from my calendar with these measures, I have but one thing to say...

http://artsytime.com/x-ray-by-nick-veasey/

Nobody wants to look at your ass any more than you want to have it waxed AGAIN, you beast.
Get the fuck in line and shut up. I've been living this crap for over a decade, and nobody came to my defense, not one time.

And another thing, when you DO go through every metal detector's buzzing alarm and you get used to it time after time for 49 years... that ONE time it does NOT go off... don't say "Sweet, it didn't go off!"

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Blog Daddy

I've had a number of people tell me recently that I need to dive headlong into the world of "Dad Bloggers," elbowing my way in and throwing-down what I know with how I write. I'm debating it, somewhat 'FOR' the notion of doing so. While I hesitate to dive in, having only been a dad for a year and a month now, I am also wholeheartedly devoted to Dad Life. Prior to that I started my foray into Husband Life. As I've learned that "My Life Is Best Not Lived For ME" I still believe that solitude has many benefits to the human condition/migraine. I love my wife and my son more than I can ever explain without decimating a threatening horde of illegal immigrants or whatever is evil right now. Truth is, however, I am still learning what it is to be a Dad to a son, to a walkaboutz-talkaboutz Toddler guy, and how to be a Husband to a Wife and Mother. Every day, something new. I mess up, frequently, verbally, and sometimes, gastrointestinally.

I am far from perfect, and perhaps perfect from far. But when it comes down to it, I read a few other Dad Blogs and get that deep-rooted feeling that a few of these guys are pandering to the Oprah-watchers who went to college to end up with their "Mrs." degrees. I honestly feel like many of them are just "cute"ing it up on their ad-bannered blog. If I do DadBlog, you can bet my sponsors won't be Alberto-VO5 and the Venus Razor. Probably be some sort of banned fat-burner and a prostate massager.

Being A Man isn't easy. I don't mean the biological travel with testicles and what is, technically, a penis. I am not talking about being the not-Woman in the relationship. I'm talking about Strength, Courage, Heart, Integrity, and Leadership, combined with Love, Tenderness, Intellect, and The Ability To Love-Make upwards of 16 consecutive minutes. The more I study and read and discuss the role of the Man in His Own World, the more I realize we're just people with expectations thrust upon us by society and Tyler Perry movies. How we respond to our own expectations and our own impulses and Life, now, that is totally up to us as Men. Being a Man is NOT a "role" to play, such as Dad or Husband or AdultBaby. It is the overall Being Man, who happens to be... Father, Husband, Worker, Comedian, Philosoraptor, Student of Life, and the like... which intrigues me.

So that's my quest for the moment. To DadBlog, or Not To DadBlog?
Any thoughts?

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Bodyweight Workouts: Gymnasts, Lions, Gorillas, Gymnasts, YOU

Are you strong? Can you squat your own bodyweight 50 times in 50 seconds?
Can you do 40 push-ups in 45 seconds?

Wanna Bet?
This guy's programs kick major ass. Check this out and drop the joint-stressing 225lb bench press rep workout.

Re-introducing Craig's workouts to my regimen, after trying the "90 Days Of Constant Chatter" workouts, I have dropped 5lbs and 2% bodyfat in 3 weeks. This guy KNOWS HIS BIDNESS, and his bidness is giving you what you gotta get to get what you gotta have: Fitness & Health.
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3 Bodyweight Exercise Workout Boosters

By Craig Ballantyne, CSCS, MS
TurbulenceTraining BodyWeight Workout Manual ON SALE NOW

If you're really busy and want to boost the effectiveness of your
fat burning workouts, I have 3 powerful tips for you today.

You'll discover how to get more done in less time, how to train your
entire body in 20 minutes, and how to instantly boost your performance
by 20%.

Get ready for 3 powerful bodyweight exercise boosters...

Workout Tip #1 - Superset Bodyweight & Dumbbell Exercises

This tip is perfect for busy gyms and busy schedules. You're going
to pair a bodyweight exercise with a dumbbell exercise in your
supersets.

This way you don't have to waste time adjusting equipment or
walking around your gym.

For example, if the workout calls for a dumbbell press followed by
a dumbbell row, switch it to:

a) Decline (or other) pushups plus DB Row
b) DB Chest Presses plus Inverted Bodyweight Row in squat rack
c) Pushups plus Pullups or Bodyweight Rows (double bodyweight
option)

Here's another example. If your workout calls for a squat (any
kind) and a dumbbell shoulder press, switch it to:

a) Bodyweight Bulgarian Split Squat (1&1/2 rep style) plus DB Press
b) Squat plus Pike Pushup or Handstand Pushup
c) DB Split Squat Plus Decline Pushup or Close-Grip Pushup

Bottom line: We are focused on movements and muscle groups and not
married to specific exercises (in most cases). Thanks to the
massive variety in the TT workouts, we always have options.

Workout Tip #2 - Ditch the Cardio, Do Bodyweight Circuits Instead

Speaking of long cardio, there is NOTHING wrong with being a runner
and enjoying long runs...but depending on long cardio for fat loss
is ultimately going to disappoint you.

So this holiday season, when given the choice between 45 minutes on
the treadmill (i.e. the cardio confessional) or a 20-minute
bodyweight circuit that you can do in your own home without
equipment, choose the bodyweight circuit EVERY time.

You'll work more muscles and, with the post-workout calorie burn,
still probably burn as many calories as you would with the slow cardio.

Plus, you'll sculpt your upper body and abs, without requiring an
extra 20 minutes of lifting after the treadmill.

Workout Tip #3 - Non-Competing Density Supersets

(This is a world-world-world exclusive...I haven't even shared this
tip with my editors at Men's Health magazine yet!)

Here we'll combine the classic non-competing TT superset method with
the classic bodybuilder method of dropsets.

The results: An instant 20% boost in the number of reps you can do
for bodyweight exercises.

For example, let's use this non-competing superset.

1A) DB Reverse Lunges
1B) Decline Close-Grip Pushups

Do 8 reps of lunges for each leg. Rest 20 seconds. Do 4-6 more reps
for each leg.

Then move immediately to decline close-grip pushups and go 1-2 reps
short of failure. Rest 20 seconds and do another set of pushups
until you are 1-2 reps short of failure. (You should get about 20%
of your original number of reps.)

Rest 1 minute and repeat the entire process up to 2 more times.

Pow!

Metabolic Muscle Turbulence like never before.

Bodyweight training is the fitness world's gift to you this holiday
season. And my gift to you is a 35% off sale on the TT 6-Month
Bodyweight Manual here:

=> Get Started TODAY! You Can Do This! <== Sale ends Thursday Enjoy!


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Work It Out; P90X Review

I bought the P90X system a while ago. It was my intent to dedicate myself to every aspect of the fitness program in order to achieve the sexiest body I possibly could. Because that’s important. Being sexy is important. It says so on the TV. Sexy, you’re not enough of it. Get more of it in 90 Days!

The cost isn’t too crazy compared to what you’d spend on a membership sign-up fee at a gym that has good equipment, sexy people, and middle-aged immigrants working out in their jeans and khakis. And you would get to smell other people’s sweat and body odor. I remember one guy at the last gym I was a member of, he did a lot of indoor tanning and often smelled like a burnt blackberry. This is all missing from the P90X experience.

The upside of P90X is that you will get your money’s worth if you want a challenging system of workouts. You’ll get in shape quickly and notice within a week some changes to your physique. If you follow the nutrition plan (80% of your success comes from this) you are well on your way to the sexy physique of your dreams of sexiness. This is a Full Fitness System, and the only thing you need to bring to it is about an hour a day, and the right attitude. Because you’re gonna work your ass off if you’re ready.

What it did for me:
Weightloss – No. My weight stayed steady for 60 days, and after that much time I said "F it." It fluctuated 2lbs up & down during a week. I did not perfectly follow the nutrition plan because, like most plans, it would require about an hour of food preparation a day. I did drop my bodyfat percentage about 3%. Certain areas feel sexier than others. I went back to the Turbulence Training, short, intense workouts.
Muscling Up – Yes. I got stronger and packed on some muscle, in my arms and back especially. Moderate weightloss makes you look more muscular, but I am positive I got stronger in some areas.
Fitness Level – Upped it. Cardio wise, jumping ability from plyometrics, flexibility. I’m in better shape. But not looking at that 7% bodyfat you see on the commercials.

PROS:
Muscle Confusion = Diversity of workouts – The workouts change daily and monthly. You skip the plateau periods, each session is mapped out for you, and you do a week of lighter workouts each month to “rest.” And the focus of each day’s workout changes, one day it’s Resistance, the next day it’s more Cardio based. You won’t get bored on your way to being sexier.

Intensity = Results – Each workout is about an hour long and if you hang in there you will really get your money’s worth out of it. You never feel like you’re not working enough. But you have to incorporate the mindset of INTENSITY to really achieve results. Don’t buy if you won’t try to get sexy.

Goal-based Combinations – If you’d rather just get leaner than beefier, there are a couple of combinations layed-out in the guides to get you there. If you want to really cut up and boost muscle while burning calories with cardio, there’s a combo for that, also. You define sexy, and go there.

CONS:
Time Commitment – Each workout is about an hour from warm-up to workout to cool-down. Yoga is about 90minutes. These would be shorter if Horton wouldn’t be talking the entire time in between sets and hawking other products, but hey, it’s part of the gig for getting sexy.

Intensity – That is, these workouts can be monsters. The phrase in the system is to “Do Your Best, Forget the Rest.” The best you can do is get in and start going the best you can. Sexy awaits. The people working out in the videos are all P90X graduates, and in great shape. If you’re not a real self-starter, forget it.

Extras – You don’t NEED a lot of extra stuff to work out with. But for the ultimate sexiness, you would need a chin-up bar and varied weights of dumbbells. They walk you through the variations you can do with the resistance bands. It can be discouraging to not have all the bells & whistles, but do the best you can.

If you have 6-8 hours a week to work out, get P90X. You can likely get free shipping and return it if you need to. It’s an ass-kicker, but like any workout sexy system, your results depend on your dedication and ability to listen to Tony Horton yap for an hour a day.

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Where's The Sugar, Baby?

(secret surprise at the end!)

My son Graham turns his first year-young on Sept. 23rd. It's been a really interesting year, to say the least. His journey towards being frustrated with the public education system began in March of last year when we were told Graham's due-date was September 19th. I immediately did the right thing, got on the internet, and found that to be the day that the legendarily crooked USC Trojans were visiting the vaunted, hallowed UW Huskies in Seattle. And I prayed. I prayed to God that Graham would be born healthy, happy, and 3 days late. And God answered that prayer! As a bonus, God threw in a 16-13 win by the Huskies. Take THAT, Stephen Hawking.

In the past year I've found that a lot of people share a lot of their wisdom about raising and caring for a child. Many of whom have decades of experience without ever being a parent. Oh sure, they've kept a couple of parakeets alive through a cold winter or two. Or they are an Aunt/Uncle to a few nieces or nephews. And that's, hey, that's a solid foundation for making the childless look like an asshole by offering non-comedic parenting tips. No, we're not going to let him try wine again. Thanks for your input. Enjoy sterility.

I've also heard a number of people say that they don't like babies. Or specifically, they "hate" babies. Wow. Not that they hate MY son, just babies in general. Everyone knows the grave demands babies place on people who never interact with them, so I can see where the roots of that hate have taken hold. I never hated babies, I just was scared that I would break one. A year in, no breaks, minor fears, and all's great.

What's also side-F'ed is that some people feel that they can do things while holding a baby that somewhat endanger the baby, because a mis-hap wouldn't officially KILL the child, but it seems like it should entertain your baby. Like get them to touch a ceiling fan. Or swing them around by their tiny hands. Or hold them aloft with one hand while lighting a cigarette off the grill.

Won't KILL the baby? SHOULDN'T EVEN MAKE ME THINK THE BABY MIGHT BE EVEN A BIT UNCOMFORTABLE. There is no official Baby Police, but nobody has the right to endanger your child for their own attempt at entertaining themselves by trying to get the kid to smile near a snarling pit-boxer mix. This secret hate of babies is more bothersome than the outright hatred. Old women in a grocery store are the worst. Keep your dirty nails away from his face, Bernice.

So as Graham nears the One Year mark, we are gearing up for the Birthday Party, and a number of people have asked me what kind of cake we're getting him. My wife, foremost, has done a great job of introducing healthy food to Graham as he grows. We don't feed him sugary stuff or ice cream (maybe a tablespoon here and there) or a lot of processed food. He eats a lot of fruit, loves avocados, and digs salmon. Washes it down with a nice chug of jasmine green tea. He won't turn down a Mum-Mum, either. For a kid who eats a lot of healthy, whole food we're not going to jam a huge cake in his face so we can laugh at the mess and the sugar-rush. I think it's actually pretty cruel to jack a kid up on that stuff just for a few pictures. "Tradition" can eat my Bavarian ass. Maybe a little cupcake to have fun with, but 500 calories of sugar and fat, I just can't do that to my guy.

He'll have to wait for public school.

=====================

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A Few Thoughts

• Truth is, you're not gonna find better prices for pantry-staples than at Trader Joe's. Bread, eggs, dairy, coffee, cereal, sun-dried tomatoes, the entire pasta/sauce family, frozen foods, etc... (but not cheese) are, across the board, a better price and value than most any other store you will shop at.
• The internet is as good for researching and diagnosing a problem as it is at creating paranoia and confusion over a proper diagnosis of said problem.
• There's no excuse for a grown-man with a desk job to smell like a batting helmet.
• Every fitness product is aimed at getting you to feel that your quality of life would be better if you were more comfortable taking your shirt off around strangers. In fact, that mindset would reflect a mental deformity no amount of AggroTrim could burn off.
• Sometimes you're slowed down because the guy in front of you isn't driving well. Sometimes you're slowed down because you aren't driving well. Sometimes the guy in front of the four guys in front of you is driving poorly, slowing everyone down. Odds are you can relax and not tailgate me. If you're reading this, you probably don't tailgate others. This may have been pointless.
• Time is one of the few resources we have, that we can actually decide how efficiently it is used. The best way to use it, often, is to remind somebody that they aren't allowed to waste yours, then put your headphones back on and finish your blog.
• Though the Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions (who bid that job?), I truly never want to lead anybody down it myself. I've had good intentions when talking with friends or loved ones about an issue they seem to be tied-to, and it doesn't always go well. But sometimes you have to wake the person up to tell them their house is on fire.
• I hope, in the end, I don't have the lingering regret that I didn't do something which could have greatly helped somebody else, just because I thought they may take it the wrong way. (See previous statement)
• I really kind of feel like I wasted most of my 20's, but I did bring some key lessons of Life out of it. And I probably owe some apologies to a few people.
• I think I'm an Ayurvedic type-B, but a Blood Type-A, which are similar dietary types.

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Ray or Lee = Big Trouble

It's happened again...

Somebody with the middle name of "Ray" done gone crazy AGAIN. Machete-Hacked a roommate for dirtying the sink. Not sure I'm against that...

It's a sure sign. Click on one of the Ray or Lee links below to see the other 6 articles about this stuff. No sure what it's about, it happens in nature, like eclipses and street-poop.

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A Nutrition Myth Laid Bare

Fat Burning Foods Myth
By Craig Ballantyne, CSCS, MS
Creator Of Turbulence Training (LINKY!)

I have to admit something...I am going to upset a few of my good
friends when I crush this nutrition myth. But if I have to
sacrifice myself in order to help you out, then that's what I have
to do.

So here's the final (and most ridiculous) nutrition myth...

The Myth - Fat Burning Foods Exist

This. Is. Wrong.

Fat burning foods are the "unicorns" of the nutrition world.

They do not exist.

And when you think about it, the term doesn't make sense.

How can a food cause you to burn fat?

It can't.

Foods GIVE you energy.

They don't cause you to burn fat.

When you eat food, the hormonal changes in your body SLOW fat burning, they don't speed it up - no matter what you eat!

Listen, the experts mean well.

They want to show you a list of foods that will help you with fat loss, but it is a myth that "fat burning foods" exist.

And yes, they are right that whole, natural foods such as chicken breasts, eggs, nuts, fruits, and vegetables all help you lose fat by
controlling your appetite and by not causing you to gain fat, but NOT ONE of those ingredients actually burns fat.

Now some might argue that eating hot peppers or caffeine or even green tea can burn fat, but do you seriously think that eating those foods is even 1/1000th as effective as a workout?

They aren't.

Sorry.

Instead, keep your nutrition SIMPLE. Focus on whole, natural foods  and limit high-calorie, high-sugar foods to just a couple of treats per week. (ed. note:  YOU WILL SURVIVE, PROMISE) Combine that with your favorite Turbulence Training 
workouts and you'll lose fat fast.

GEOFF LOTT'S ENDORSEMENT:

Check out Craig's website and products.  They'll make you understand why people are changing, and how you don't need an hour a day for 90 days to get in better shape.  Awesome workouts and nutrition plans.  FOR YOURSELF, that's why.

==========

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Hubris, Scariness, and Americanity

Another MTV event was allowed to happen, so I have to figure out which sponsors to boycott emotionally as opposed to just being ignorant of their body wash or fat-burning pill. Mind you, I confirmed the speed of my metabolism today when my "natural energy" pill kicked in about 45minutes AFTER my workout ended... but that's for another blahg.

MTV is a show that somehow is now involved in publicizing the film exploits of actors who aren't really comedians, but aren't decent-enough actors to emote beyond "irony... get it?" Yeah... got it. And tonight there was an awards show for the movies. I still cannot understand why there's an awards show for short-films of musical artists lip-synching in a rainy warehouse during both a rainstorm AND a Recession, but that's for yet a DIFFER'NT blahg.

What the f*ck am I doing? I don't even care about that stuff. I'm not truly upset about the intellectual vacuum from which MTV programming emanates. I'm now mid-30's and outside their demographic, and look back not in bitterness but in snickery goodness. Truly I am hoping they don't abandon programming covering the tailspin of Spencer Pratt's existence. Money and fame makes us more of what we truly are. He truly is a megalomanical narcissist. And a dork.

If there was to be any sort of terror attack at a place that exudes "American Dipshit" it ought'n be at any of the MTV Award shows. It's the sweat-crack of all that is "tween" in America, an impressionable group of people with more buying power and less financial savvy than most failed mortgage brokers of the past 5 years. Fine. But there it is... if ever you wanted to unite a front against a common enemy to this nation you gotta get a "terrorist" to Kanye West a Justin Bieber performance. BOOM, child army on the way.

And yet every time there's some sort of terrorist threat to our nation, 'specially from within, then the news reports every little self-congratulatory pat that our Homeland Security officers throw at their backs upon the stoppage of the plan. I am VERY grateful we have an office slated to stop terror within our borders. It's a frightening, maddening fact. But we gotta stop saying how we found the terrorists in the first place.

How about a news report of how the Homeland Security office admitted not being able to really tell if anybody was a terrorist or not, and how it's not even a misdemeanor to plan such an attack, as long as it's admitted to local authorities? Drum up some of the low-hanging froots and kindly end up in their living rooms while they sleep in musty corners with guns drawn and faces smiling!

Okay, just got an IM from "LISTAGENT@hsa.gov" whomever that is, so I gotta split. I probably made a "No-Fly" list.

==========================

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Top 10 Ways To Celebrate “Walter Jones Day”

Walter “The Wall” Jones, the Seahawks left tackle for the past 13 seasons and easily The Best to ever protect a quarterback’s blind-side, is retiring from professional football. From his first day on the practice field for the ‘Hawks, back when they wore royal blue jerseys and were dominating their way to 6-10 seasons in the AFC West, everybody who watched Walt in practice and on gameday knew this guy was usually “the best athlete on the field.”

He took 245-lb men running full-speed, and leashed ‘em down.
He drove 300-lb behemoths 30 feet backwards, their arms flailing on the TV’s they bought their mother, embarrassed.
He spoke softly and jokingly about his accomplishments. He erased whomever was the best pass-rusher on the other team.
The toll it takes on your body, however, is probably like being run into by refrigerator coming down the stairs 65 times on a Sunday for 12 years. I hope that he’ll live a long life, happy and healthy. Great to watch a legend in our city.

And so, in his honor, here are 10 Ways To Celebrate “Walter Jones Day”
1. Leave every room with a hand-clap and shouting “Break”
2. Push your Cadillac Escalade around the high school track for an hour. (This was Walt’s off-season conditioning program of choice)
3. Throw in some up-downs in the hallway at work.
4. If somebody crosses your face without saying “pardon me,” drive-block ‘em until you hear a whistle.
5. Repeat “Backer Backer Backer SLIDE SLIDE BLACK SLIDE BACKER” until the person next to you responds “CHECK”
6. Wear your mouthguard to all meetings.
7. Stairs, baby. Run ‘til ya puke.
8. High-knee run through the strip-mall.
9. Throw flags on offending parties, be it holding a meeting at 3pm on a Friday or offsides in coming for your dinner.

10. Post-up outside the restroom in a squat-stance with your hands in front of you, fending off potential entrants for a 3-count. The ball should be downfield by then.

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Montreal Showcase Update Thing

I literally just got back from Los Angeles where I was performing in a callback showcase for the "Fresh Faces" selections for the Montreal Comedy Festival. Last time I did a showcase was a miserable showing in 2004 at the Underground where I went after a heckler instead of doing my act, and felt just fine for it. You can never tell hhhWHAT these people want! GOLLY! Comedy is a fickle sister of merciful death.

My trip started Wednesday morning with a rain-soaked, 90minute trip to SeaTac airport, a trip that took about 60minutes longer than usual. I parked AT THE AIRPORT as if I could afford to. It saved me time, but not money. So no, time is not money, this time, Dollah Dollah billz, y'all. Traffic was horribly backed up, because traffic is made up of people, and well, people aren't very good at things they do every day, like drive a car.

I then speed-walked into the terminal like a freakpie, weaving and dodging old old people, and one family that from 50 feet away was hysterically funny as they tripped all over themselves. Being right behind them was the efficiency equivalent of being on in-line skates (NO ENDORSEMENTS), downhill, underwater. Idiots. When their son wouldn't pick up his bag and began a tantrum instead of getting in line, I just said "Excuse me" and moved right around them. I had no time for that.

People in positions of power usually are either under control and helpful, or they work at the airport. One guy was so gosh-golly jocular, dare I say... "Jovial!"... that he was ready to make me, a traveler, even MORE late to the gate. Everybody he spoke to got a blah blah blah blah he was a NiceHole, okay?
PICK UP THE PACE...

ShitHead Red-headed kid working for TSA who X-Rayed my wallet... you didn't give it back to me and left it unattended. I will speak directly to you and your supervisor in a private screening room the next time I fly, if you're still there. I had to climb over 2 women staring at, asking outloud "Did they just leave somebody's wallet here?" Yes... Yes they did.

I then had to run at 75% speed to my gate, feeling like OJ Simpson, especially for killing two people and getting away with it. Full flight with attitude, probably the last time I fly Alaska. Oh, and the return trip resulted in another 90minute wait while the pilots were sidetracked in Customs. Good thing they boarded everybody 20min early.


OKAY, Comedy...
Got to LA, met by buddy Todd for coffee and a peek at his new townhome. Then chilled out and went to my showcase at the Comedy Store in W. Sunset. The stage looks like this...

The room was pretty full in the main area, good crowd.
Again, I was reminded of two things after the first couple of comics:

1. Originality and Definability as a comic is tough to come by, but when it's come-by, it's stellar. Michael Kosta and Patrick Keane destroyed, and both always kill me.
2. Commitment to Content is not the same as AutoPilot. While I am pretty happy with my set, I am judging it based on the decibel volume of laughter instead of the laughter volume. I would only do one thing differently, and that is be thinner.

So there ya go...
Another trip to LA for 6 minutes of comedy, followed by 2-3 weeks of shrugging and having pretty much zero clue as to what will happen.

I do want to thank the producers and scouts from the Montreal gang for their input and professionalism. They truly give a crap about comedy, and are each just cool people in general. I am really grateful to have gotten the first shot, and the callback, after a year+ of not having anybody even stay in the room for my stuff while living in Los Angeles.

All you can do is the best you can do, and then power-mope when shit goes poorly.

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Mock Nerdle Tech

Somewhere in my DNA are a number of genes that are coded to produce moments of comedy. These moments aren’t always in the presence of others. I can’t really choose when it happens, usually. I feel it happen somewhere in my lymphatic system and then the connection completes and zap… comedy. Hoo-ray. It’s like trying to keep magnets apart. You can do it, but nature is making it happen in ways you are in no way emotionally ready to comprehend. And when these moments happen, I am at my most blissful, while somebody around me is usually suffering for it. In other words, if somebody gots theyself a goat, hoo-dawggy, I’m-a wanna git that goat! I did not choose Comedy. I chose football. But Comedy chose Me, and I have fewer shoulder aches from comedy, and almost never have to do windsprints for it.

And this kind of humor doesn’t always go well with the sensitivities, not to mention tight-ass’edness, of what I’ve come to see as “other people.” For example…

1) The FreeRange Tofurky Incident (involving a woman who was covered in cat hair-covered fleece)

2) The “Ice, No, but We Sell The Ingredients” Sale (retort to a woman who resembled a potato)

3) The “Is My Wife In Here?” Bartending Moment (wittiest comeback of my life followed that question)

4) Suggesting “Bring Your Child To Work” Day at Planned Parenthood (FIRED!)

But today was really a fantastic moment in my history of jerky humor.

At the vending machine at my new job, a guy’s purchase had hung-up on the way out of the rack. 6.5oz of $1 TrailMix held-back by the foil corner of the neighboring Oats & Honey granola bar. I suggested he either rock the machine, forearm-shiver the machine, or buy a cheaper item above or next to it, so as to “encourage” the release.

Me: Rock it a little. Like a baby.
Him: You can’t, it’s strapped to the wall.
Me: Bummer. Buy the granola bar, it’ll be cheaper than…
Him: … there we go… aw CRAP.

He bought ANOTHER $1 TrailMix, the one behind the first purchase. So the first one fell, while the one behind it HUNG UP ON THE GRANOLA BAR CORNER… Something about the definition of insanity.

So now he’s $2 in, and I say “Can you nudge it a little?”

Me: Can you nudge it a little?
Him: Why? It’s not gonna fall, it's stuck there Jeez. Well, somebody will get a free one I guess. (sulks away)

He turns the corner to leave and I shake my head, count to 5-IrishWhiskey, then blurt out “Oh awesome! FREE TRAIL MIX!”

He comes back around the corner with eyes wide, just as I start laughing and I say “Just kidding.” He wasn’t amused. I almost peed the inside of my pants with enough pee that it would show to the outside of my pants that very likely I had peed them through from the inside to the outside.

I don’t work or meet with this guy. But if I ever do, not matter what he tells other people about me, he’s the guy who paid $2 for crappy TrailMix, and didn’t have the balls to shoulder a 600-lb machine for what’s rightfully his.

All your TrailMix are ours.

==================
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Health, Care?

Not that I know all there is to know about the machinations of working through the nooks and/or crannies of the Health Care Industry, but there are surely some changes that must be made on both sides of the receptionist's desk.

I have had moments in life where I surely needed my health coverage to handle the paperwork and bills that would have otherwise submerged me. Leg carpentry, wisdom teeth, child birth, and general quality of life stuff, thankfully, have all been handled by my health insurance. For the past 19months I have been without my own insurance (THANK YOU, horrible economy, bad borrowers, bad lenders, and California!) while working under my wife's insurance policy (Thank you Touchstone and later, the $1100/month COBRA Payment, and thankfully we had the money to pay for it). Not everyone has been in our position.

In 1999 I was in Ireland where I had a fantastic golf trip completely sideswiped by the evils of having to go to bed early in the morning after a few drinks. One night I was bowled-over by a couple of dorks wrestling in a nightclub (not a lot of women around), which ended when my knee went sideways. The next day it had swollen to the size of a grapefruit, and a trip to the local emergency care was in order. 2 hours later I had X-rays, crutches, and a couple of minor painkillers. It cost me $60, American.

There are so many facets of health care that I cannot go into right now because I have to fold laundry, but I'll tell you this:

* If you have a job that supplies health care, even on just a subsidized basis, think of toughing it out before you bail. It's tough to get coverage if you've been without it for a while.

* If you pay taxes, you should be entitled to getting at least enough coverage to keep you from throwing up too often, keeping your teeth in your head, and surely keeping your kids in good health. A healthy human is a happy human, and that's a productive human. And we gotta produce something sooner or later.

As I move forward with getting private health insurance via LifeWise, there have been some speedbumps, but I've been through much worse. The amount of $ one must pay varies greatly, but with this new plan, hopefully, when you need that $ returned to cover a claim, you won't have to fill out more than 5 forms.

=======

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What Twitter Is

If you're wondering about what Twitter is, you're likely well-versed in things other than the latest how the internet is using all 9 hands to shovel your free time (i.e. bandwidth) into its gaping pipeline. Frankly, I'm not sure what Twitter is, NOW. I know what it was intended for. But like every piece of technology, from the wheel of cheese to the atomic bomb, idiots get their stinky fingers on it and skew the intended use of it.

There's a "trending" section in Twitter that states what people are talking about. By adding a "#" to the beginning of a word or words, Twitter begins logging which words are "#"ed and sees that "trend" and makes a "list" of who "is" tweeting about the topic. For example, "#GeoffLottIsAnAss" should, but won't, make the top 10 topics.

So the sociological aspect of Twitter is found in that you can see who is using it by looking at the Trending Topics. Twitter is a way for people to feel that other people are hanging on their every word. So yes, it's narcissistic - unlike blogs, which are almost narcissistic but mostly masturbatory. It's more take than give. (thank you)

And by looking at microcosms of society you get to see snapshots of what the "hoi polloi" think, feel, speak of, and want to have sex with.

Here are some recent high-points under the topic "That's Why You Hate Me"

• I'm not the fAther of ur baby #ThatsWhyYouHateMe (he may not understand "hate")
• i took a shit when you were in the shower &#ThatsWhyYouHateMe ever seen a grown man cry <#funniestshitever #epic #smh (this was from a woman)
• I tell you the reality of ur life and#thatswhyyouhateme.. bt come 2 think of it, do u really hate me or are u just angry at the truth..lol (did you really just Laugh Out Loud and need to document it?)
• I ghost hunt to get your Boo snatched#ThatsWhyYouHateMe (I have no clue...)
• 'Cause I can't do nothing right#thatswhyyouhateme (such as construct sentences)
• I see myself as a superior being #ThatsWhyYouHateMe But I'm don't a superior being (thanks for clarifying)

There are times I hop in the top trends to tweet to the idiots who may be reading it, and that shows what I think of myself and the people trending: They're dumb, and I am better than them, but not secure enough to not tell them, so I have to let them know in they own language, whaaaat?

So that's Twitter: A snapshot of short thoughts thrown into the webosphere by people with nothing better to do. That must suck.

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AGAIN - The Ray/Lee Files

Something about having the middle name of Ray or Lee for a man fuels a life of crime.

The most-recent find was this guy, ERIC LEE GARNER, accused of threatening a Muslim woman and her son with a large knife... just for being in the same place as him.

Is it the shortness of the name?
I wonder if there was somebody named Lee or Ray who made fun of Jesus in trade school?

ANYWAY, enjoy. And don't name your kids Aiden, Caden, Kaiden, Adan, Jadyn, etc... Trendy. Over it.

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What're You Doing?

Found this by wormhole'ing around the 'net at my friend Joe Vespaziani's untouched MySpace site... don't ask... Joe is an influence, a friend, and a brilliant comedian, bee tee dub.

I watched the entire 4:30 of this video, and realized that I really have to do more in life.

It's past time. But this is a great one.

This guy just dances all around the world. WHAT?

Yeah. Not well, does he dance. That's not the point. Watch it.

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Tiger Buy The Tale

Eldrick "Tiger" Woods today did a fantastic job today of reading a prepared statement that included words one would use when apologizing for throwing his famous, multi-ethnic, Stanford-educated, highly-endorsed penois into a number of women. Some of these women, including porn actress Joselyn "Manhole" James, and Jamie Jungers, whose claim to fame is being the least-attractive woman on the planet to know what Tiger's wood looks like when teeing off, were jammed in front of cameras for their reaction in the event the rest of the world's problems had all been solved. Riveting words always spill from the mouths of women named Jamie.

I single those two out in particular because they had quite a reaction in the wake of Tiger's televised speech that was not at all a heartfelt, in-the-moment apology. They said they were "hurt" by not being included in Tiger's apology. The cited that he was apologizing to children and the public and some media figures and his product sponsors and his family, but NOT to the women involved in this scandal.

(The Associated Press)

Whores, please pay attention. Man-whores, too...

1) Tiger Woods had sex with up-to but not stopping-at 19 women (at last rumored count) who were NOT his wife. He is guilty of being a bad husband. Other than that, you can label him a cad, a fornicator, a scamp, a crazed f*ck diesel, and/or a nerd, but his actions only truly affect His Family in a long-term kind of way.

2) Unless they had absolutely zero access to any type of media for the past decade, every woman who was NOT the wife of Tiger Woods and yet had sex with him anyway... HAD SEX WITH A MAN THEY KNEW WAS MARRIED. Putting the blame entirely on him, as if to say he was the only person at fault in the co-mingling of any number of boozy lubes and WD-40 (not an endorsement) is erroneous and as irresponsible as having sex with a married man who is having sex outside of marriage. Or outside.

1+2 = 3 ways to say this...

1) Tiger Woods owes anybody he's not related to or had no time invested in a relationship or friendship with NOTHING. It's a Good thing to apologize to the young people who looked up to him, and perhaps he'll be able to address this in an organic way in the future. But yeah, I don't care what Tiger Woods does once he leaves the course. As long as he isn't driving drunk or kid-touching or rooting for Washington State University.
2) Tiger Woods owes the women he had sex with NOTHING. Not one cent. Not one apology. Maybe a call to say he can't hang out in Lauderdale this weekend, but otherwise, NOTHING.
3) Tiger Woods is sorry this went public.

I feel bad for his kids who may get teased at school about this.
I feel bad for his wife and the judgment a gutter-heart public may lay upon her household.
I feel bad for his mother, who apparently missed a few moments of "respect" lessons.
I feel bad for Tiger Woods that all his fellow pro golfers threw him under the bus when I'm sure a ton of them "putt from the rough" on the regular.

Lord knows I've been a turd in my life, skidding through a few relationships without a clean break to flush-off at. And I'm lacking when it comes to being the sweetest, kindest, gentlest, most-communicative husband in the world. But when it comes down to it, while I don't condone nor comply with what Tiger did, nor why he did it (compulsion, addiction, adrenaline), I can't see why anybody else would really care about this.

He had affairs outside of marriage. It's going to cost him millions of dollars. He'll have millions more to rest upon. He will play golf professionally and continue to win millions of doll-hairs. And he has a hell of a way to go to patch things up with his wife and kids and family.

Imagine how much better he'll be when he's not skank-banging every weekend. Rested, focused, sober...
Way to go, media. PGA, he's gonna F you so hard.
===============

#700 - Of Music & Inspirations Addicting

I get on kicks, jags for music that people shout at me to check out. People I trust. 5 years after Killorn! turned me on to Muse, I'm finally entrenched in their "Absolution" CD. It's been on repeat in my car for 3 weeks, until being elbowed-aside recently by The Reigning Monarchs. I'm not even much of Surfabilly poseur, but shooooot if I don't dig TRM.

On this, my #700th blogiversary, I wanted to share 2 other items of musical empowerment that are just all over my fancakes right now. I have found much more inspiration for my writing and performing in tones and tunes than in voice and speech. Something about the pacing of these 2 songs - and by all means PLEASE SHARE YOUR FAVE TUNES IN THE COMMENTS! as I am ever looking for a louder trumpet - gives me want to jump up and down with a passion normally reserved for a 6'9" athlete slam-dunking. NO, not a big triumph, but it looks cool and after all, we must be sure to Represent.

So here are 2 videos, about 15min of entertainment for you. Come back to them if you like.

If you are a guitar player, you'll dig the first one to the Gth degree. John Butler's solo version of his instrumental "Ocean," live. Saw it for the 1st time 2 days ago. Incredible groove.

John Butler Trio - "Ocean"

Want Funk, pianos, smoove vocals, and short hits? GET IT HERE with "Audience."

Cold War Kids "Audience"

>I'm out. ENJOY.

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Consumer's Report: Huggies, Discover Card

Hil
So, the Baby Guy has been pooping at what seems to be a world-class rate lately. Good, he should be, keep those pipes cleaned out. We bought a huge box of diapers at Costco, switching brands from Pampers to Huggies, as Costco doesn't carry Pampers.

Huggies diapers, at least for our Junior Senator, seems to have an issue with "Back Fire" and "Side Peep." He's had more up-the-back sharts and nap-created side-peepage than ever in Pampers. So we'll make sure we secure them properly and if it doesn't change, I'll make sure Huggies gets a letter. And I'll post that here.

Also, Discover card is adamant about calling a few times a week to make sure I am all protected against ID theft and taking full advantage of their protection features and wants to protect me from not having protection. Good. Because I feel like they're gonna screw me.

Why call somebody at home with a rambling, super-fast-paced spiel about how I need to be sure I'm taking advantage of their tools to track fraudulent use of my account when...
IF I SAY NO, THE KID COULD USE MY ACCOUNT TO ORDER HIS REALDOLL...

but I wouldn't know about it because, AH DARN... I didn't take advantage of their plan?

Eatin' Out - BrownBag Café - Not a Frittata

Kirkland's famous - and famously packed - BrownBag Cafe is a hub of breakfast dining. Breakfast is served while it's open, which is for the daylight hours. They have SUPERIOR baked items, using their breads, rolls, cinnamon rolls, etc. in each of their dishes that call for it.

But something's seriously awry with their egg maker.
Seriously.

Today we went in for some late fastbreaking. Parking lot crammed-packed like The King's death colon. But worse. The next-door Shari's must feel like a blind spot. But it likely gets overflow from those who won't wait the 20+min for BrownBag's deliciousness...

But today... oh boy... uh...
Yeah, I try and get lowest-carb that I can, when I can. Higher protein, throw in some veggies and I'm happy. Intrigued by the Tomato& Avocado Frittata, I steered from my craving for the Fruit Omelet. Don't cuss it down, the Fruit Omelet is a sweet, savory egg party I'm all-for. But I was dumb and listened to my wife about what SHE wanted to try some of, and got the Frittata, which still sounded good.

It wasn't. A Frittata looks like this:
Heat the ingredients, throw the eggs in with those, stir a little, top with cheese, broil, BOOM...

FRITTATA

I was handed a scrambled egg topped with 1/4 a sliced avocado on top of enough room-temperature 1/4-inch-diced tomatoes to start a street-fair Salsa Kiosk. There may have been some dill havarti wiped on it, also. This is a VERY simple dish to create, and apparently, get wrong with a lazy sous chef in a hopping kitchen.

Thumbs-up for the BrownBag Cafe. They have great food, 95% of the time. Not everything's gonna be a home run, fair enough.
Stay away from any Frittata. Omelets rule (Fruit, or Spinach-Bacon-Mushroom).

And, as a man, I'd like to thank whomever is hiring the serving staff.

Still no excuse for F'ing the Frittata. NADA FRITTATA, just food pile.

My wife took one bite and said "Eh, you're right, there's nothing there." Oh good. It's nice to know we can agree that I got breakfast-screwed.

Tomato-Avocado Frittata = No.