Top 10 Ways To Celebrate “Walter Jones Day”

Walter “The Wall” Jones, the Seahawks left tackle for the past 13 seasons and easily The Best to ever protect a quarterback’s blind-side, is retiring from professional football. From his first day on the practice field for the ‘Hawks, back when they wore royal blue jerseys and were dominating their way to 6-10 seasons in the AFC West, everybody who watched Walt in practice and on gameday knew this guy was usually “the best athlete on the field.”

He took 245-lb men running full-speed, and leashed ‘em down.
He drove 300-lb behemoths 30 feet backwards, their arms flailing on the TV’s they bought their mother, embarrassed.
He spoke softly and jokingly about his accomplishments. He erased whomever was the best pass-rusher on the other team.
The toll it takes on your body, however, is probably like being run into by refrigerator coming down the stairs 65 times on a Sunday for 12 years. I hope that he’ll live a long life, happy and healthy. Great to watch a legend in our city.

And so, in his honor, here are 10 Ways To Celebrate “Walter Jones Day”
1. Leave every room with a hand-clap and shouting “Break”
2. Push your Cadillac Escalade around the high school track for an hour. (This was Walt’s off-season conditioning program of choice)
3. Throw in some up-downs in the hallway at work.
4. If somebody crosses your face without saying “pardon me,” drive-block ‘em until you hear a whistle.
5. Repeat “Backer Backer Backer SLIDE SLIDE BLACK SLIDE BACKER” until the person next to you responds “CHECK”
6. Wear your mouthguard to all meetings.
7. Stairs, baby. Run ‘til ya puke.
8. High-knee run through the strip-mall.
9. Throw flags on offending parties, be it holding a meeting at 3pm on a Friday or offsides in coming for your dinner.

10. Post-up outside the restroom in a squat-stance with your hands in front of you, fending off potential entrants for a 3-count. The ball should be downfield by then.

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