Merry Christmas. Nog Me.

This is my vote for Parental Unit Of The Year.
Bratty Turds Lose Toys On E-Bay Auction
HOUSTON - The kids were naughty, Dad put the presents on eBay instead of under the tree — and Mom's been crying ever since. Now, even the tree's down.

Saturday morning was sure not to be very jolly for three brothers — 9, 11 and 15 — who didn't straighten up when their father told them Santa wasn't too pleased with their fighting, cuss words and obscene gestures.

Thank you, Technology! I can't wait to play Santa some day.

More later. Hot Buttered Rum is calling.
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Take Me Home

My Non-Funny Blog.

It's A "Mike The Headless Chicken" Christmas!

Last night at Pegasus, the comedy show was cancelled due to lack of funding, due to lack of owner's interest in putting on a show. There weren't but 17 people there, which rivals a moderate weekend at Laughs. Yeah, livin' the dream.

But I showed up about 9:50 after a prior engagement, that being an engagement party, because I knew that the headliner, Colin Moulton, is always entertaining. When I showed, we huddled up and found out that there was no money to throw around, so we didn't have to do a show at all. And we did a show for 17 people because some of them were there for the show, and some just needed to laugh. I did about 20 minutes, mostly new, about the holidays and religion and skewed views of Christmas traditions thanks to the dichotomy of parenting and Christmas carols. Most of it worked, and that which did not I was able to save through some slower talking and making a point as to why I think Wal-Mart is the new Catholic Church. It's an older bit (6 months?) but slid into the whole vibe of the set.

Colin closed it all up with a couple of funny songs and the fun story of "Mike The Headless Chicken." Colin's got a lot of new material, and he did about 30 minutes of fun. So the crowd and establishment got a fully free 50 minutes of comedy. Colin will return to the area in a few weeks, and I highly recommend you go see him at Pegasus or at the Crazy Moose Casino in Mountlake Terrace. Please, check out Colin Moulton and have some laughs, dammit. DAMN IT. He's funny, entertaining, and a really good light in the comedy darkness.
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Back to yesterday's News:

Recount Chocula:
So we have a governor in the state of Washington. Right now it's still Gary "Cutest Paintbrush Haircut Ever" Locke. Our Governor-Elect, still in the air. Is it Chris "Just Chris, Thanks" Gregoire or Dino "Aaw Shucks" Rossi? Don't know. As of yesterday it was Greggers. Every day before that it was Rossi.
Democracy doesn't work unless we all vote. And when we all vote, democracy doesn't work. This will be a good learning experience for all people, especially Democrats who were too high or too busy whacking off to Fahrenheit 9/11 to go vote. ABSENTEE BALLOT, dipshit. Send it back with the first NetFlix toss.
In other words, our system has failed us again. While it takes a moment to lick its wounds and pull it's levers we'll sit in rapt attention, pondering how a decrepit canary skeleton like Jean Enersen never gets publicly assualted for being, by all accounts, a monster rag.

Your Holiday Tidings
This will be filled in after I stop laughing about the "canary skeleton" line. Got myself on that one.

Take Me Home

My Non-Funny Blog.

Commercial Brake

First off...
I'd like to apologize to Killorn O'Neill for these false-start blogs that seem to raise her respiratory and refresh rates. It's nice that people want so badly to read blogs of mine that they are taken to commenting on my lack of daily production. I really apologize so very much to anybody who read today's blog, or a blog from earlier this week, that left them empty or wanting more. I promise to do better. Mmkay?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand BLOW ME.

TV's Yule Log: That's right. From 6am-9:30am this Christmas Morn, channel Q-13 (the "Q" stands for "Merry") will broadcast a flaming... heh-heh, I just got that... flaming yule log set to the tune of KING-FM's classical holiday hits. Gather round, all ye, and bask in the plasmatic warmth of a two-dimensional log. If you have not a fireplace available, and want that badly to watch a log on fire, your access to open flame should be denied.
If you go to the Q-13 (the "Q" stands for "Alternative") website there is no mention of the flaming logcast. Oooh, surprise! So the kids who have no Christmas gifts this Saturday don't even get to watch 'toons, they're stuck with a pre-recorded chimney fire. Rad. The "Q" stands for "Meant Well."

Debbie Matenopolous: FIRST, my apologies to Ms. Matenopolous. She was not intentionally the subject of this entry. BUT...
Jillian Barberie: Speaking of flaming logs, this ho-tard is as bothersome as I've encountered on the airwaves. She's got that perma-hoarse, "Oh ma gaw-id!" patois that belies her real talents lie in delivering the news from behind a boob-job and waxed brows. There was a clip from a show last night where a character said he was gonna work his game on Matenopolous, and Jillian jumped in immediately after the clip to say "OH MY GAW-ID, that is SO... HIL-AIR-I-OUuuuusss." Yeah, the retart needs attention. JB, you're on TV, that's enough.

These and other stories as I feel like it:
Two Reasons To Not Watch FOX in the Morning
Recount Chocula
What The Dilly?
Relentless Pursuit of Relaxed Performance
The Law Of Attraction
What To Do When Your TV Bleeds
Childhood Trauma And How To Never Get Over It
Stocking Stuffer Ideas


Take Me Home

My Non-Funny Blog.

I May Very Well Be A Complete Cock

This morning I came in to work with a pretty good attitude.
In the car on the way to work I had a couple of interactions with other drivers that truly made me feel like we are seeing the first few stages of a time when we'll be forced to drive teflon-coated pods shaped like used bars of soap. There's a deficiency in a lot of people when it comes to keeping their car in their own lane, or knowing when to pull in to traffic, or paying 90% attention to what's going around them. Though this may sound like a traffic flaming, it's not. Traffic is cars full of people, I'm traffic, so I don't really bitch about it. But holy shit, I wish I could incapacitate a number of people every single day for doing things that bother me.

For example, I was moving along at 40-ish and a woman pulled into traffic from a java drive-thru (probably a pun of "Expresso") while still holding her coffee. I know she was holding it because I was within 75 feet of her at the time she pulled out, and there was nobody behind me. Steering with one hand, sipping something with soy in it, and driving into the flow of traffic, I have to either slam on my brakes or change lanes to avoid an accident. The lane next to me is blocked by three cars, so I make split-second decision that I don't have enough to comfortably cover a collision deductible and decide to brake, hard.
But there was a second when I thought "Sooner or later, she has to learn." It's never worth it to wreck yourcar to prove someone else wrong, but I would have been one of the few people in the history of car accidents to be attended by paramedics while sporting a boner. I hope that stupid rag spills on her new Uggs and gets cheated on. Regardless, she'd never put it all together that, had she waited two seconds longer, the time it takes you 'TO READ THESE WORDS,' I would have passed her and she'd have full run of the lane. Maybe it was a lesson for me to "slow down, man." But I doubt it. She's a shit.

I arrive at work, and sit down to hear a couple of the worst laughs I've ever heard. As a comic, the Laugh is what you want to hear. But at work, these are the laughs of people who laugh to fill silence, not because something was particularly funny. I'm guaranteeing there's nothing funny happening here today. I've already heard two people use the phrase "Get 'er Done" in conversation, and say "I love that guy" when referring to the coiner of that phrase. He's not getting any play on my website.
Next up is FunTurtle Sandie. Her appearance supports the argument that we evolved out of the water, what with her flat feet and her set just in front of her gill slits. She of The Laugh That Annoys Me Most, and oh BOY! Sandie is JOLLY today! Yes she is! It's the Holidays! She's wishing everyone Happy Holidays and strolling around the building. From what I can tell, those are her "To Do's" for Monday: Well-wishing and a 3rd-floor constitutional. What's getting under my skin is that she's wearing bells on her feet. A lot of bells, small ones. Their volume is noticeable from nearly 100 feet away. That's too much jolliness for a Monday morning, too much joie de vivre. Jingly jingle, jangle, SHING SHING SHING SHING SHING. I keep thinking the cat needs to go out or is shoe-pooping in the closet. Good thing I sped to work today.

Time Magazine selected President Bush as "Person of the Year." This is a great decision. President Bush has done more to reignite an interest in the broad sweep of politics than anybody in the past 12 years. Clinton was disliked by many, loved by many, but so few people committed to talk about leaving the country with Billy Jeff Clinton in the Oral Office.
Also, Bush being named "Person Of The Year" is fitting. For years now people have complained through their brace-aligned toofers about being "A person! I'm a person! I'm not a mailMAN, I'm a mailPERSON. I'm not a Gay. I'm a Person who gays!" Okay, Persons for Diversity and Terms of Inclusive Coverage: The Man You Love To Hate is Now One of YOU. Good job dedicating your time to that cause.
If the elected is male, it should be "Man Of The Year." If the elected is a woman, she can be called "runner up after the recount."

So in looking at these 3 issues, I notice that all of them involve women or minority groups acting out. That's what I see here. Am I mad at women? Only at women who feel they are owed something because they are women, and are then ungrateful when they get it. Ever opened the door for a women who just walks through and never acknowledges you? The White Heart says "well, at least I did a good thing," while BlackHeart grumbles "You can still assault her from here. Come on, just a threat."
As for "minority" groups, please just be who you are. As individuals, not a group. If you tell me "We ARE being who we ARE, you racist bigot facist doody ass with bad fashion and thinning hair!", then you really better start clamming up when I say something that sounds like a stereotype.
People are bad drivers. People are flamboyant. People like fried chicken. People do it from behind. People like drinking a lot. People like other people and hate other people. Some people can't stand the site of two people kissing.
People are people, so why should it be/you and I should get along so awfully?

Because some days... People forget they are people, and that other people may not feel like dealing with them or their stereotypical people behavior on a day like today. 6.5billion People walking the dirt. If you can't get along, I'm going to have to ask you to dance for me, then do long division, then finally let the cat out.
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I knew today would suck when I woke up to my roommate asking me:
"Dude... you f*cking seen my snake?"
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don't worry, I know this was disjointed.

Take Me Home

My Non-Funny Blog.