Calling People On Their Shit

In the past 24 hours I have encountered 2 big steaming shitpiles in the form of men. People, I suppose. Dudes. F*cking idiots. One at a gas station. One about 15 feet from my back patio, walking his dog.

Smoking Turd At A Gas Station
Technically, this human skidmark was still in his car while smoking. With his window rolled down. While he made a 37-point turn to get his car into position at a pump to pump gasoline, a highly flammable liquid, vapor, and industry, into the car he was in that he was smoking inside of. His window was rolled down. At a gas pump. The tank was on the driver's side. CLOSING THE DISTANCE BETWEEN HIS CIGARETTE AND THE PUMP. Which had gas inside of it. And a cigarette in the dumb face of a guy nearby.

The algebraic equation of these ideas that (A) Cigarettes are slow-burning fires and (B) Gas is Flammable works out like this.
A + B = CrapOnFeet could have blown the block way the F up.
Did not seem to phase him. I yelled out my passenger window;
"HEY! You're smoking at a gas station! HEY DUDE! YOU ARE SMOKING! AT A GAS STATION!"
Nothing. Did not hear me. Or did not understand me. Perhaps I should have Farted it in Morse Code? Farted Smoke Signals? Anybody know where I can get an airhorn?
I drove the F away. The gas station was still there this morning. I'm partly sad about a learning moment being missed-out on. I'm happy nobody got hurt, except for that guy. We need to make a law and/or a gigantic sign that says
"SMOKING AT A GAS STATION WILL BLOW THE SHIT OUT OF THIS FUCKING PLACE."

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Human Dog Shit

This morning I went out and got in the truck, and as is the yoozh in our neighborhood, a dude was walking his Rottweiler. In this case, it rang true that Owner Resembled Pet. Rotts aren't real common in our neighborhood because most people are either walking Pugs, Pits (lots of dour, Eastern-bloc'ers in velour), and mutts. But this guy's Rott was easily 95lbs. And was squattin' for a loaf-leave in the area outside our patio marked, clearly:

NO PETS PLEASE

We are anti-dog shit, not anti-pet. But not a lot of snake nor piranha-walking goes on, so it's PETS and we keep the left-behind doglogs to a minimum. So this guy's dog does what dogs do, and doo he did. Here's where the stank comes in.

The guy sees me see the doo get done, fiddles with a little doo-collection baggie, then walks off. SO NOW I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING. Because ShitGuy can't bend over before 8:30am. So as he's walking away, wearing his FDNY hat (I'm positive he's never been a firefighter), sweatshorts and headphones and the smell of Smug, he's already looking for me to stop and say something.

So let's get it straight: He balks at a common courtesy, then gets mugged-up about anybody saying anything about it? Dog Shit in Man Suit, this one's for you.

I roll down my window and say "Excuse me, I see you neglected to pick up after your dog."

ManDogShit: (curtly) "Yeah, I will."

Captain Doo-Not: "We try to keep the area clean because kids play around there, and we all pick up after our pets."

DogManShit: (holier than thou) "Yeah, I'll get it on the way back."

Captain ShitYouNot: "Thank you, we all gotta do our part."

HumanDogAssPoopBreathDivorcedShit: "Right, yeah."

Then I go off to work. And don't think I could not wait to get home and see if there was shit outside my patio! I hoped there'd be shit outside my patio! BIG OLD DOG SHIT PILES OF SHIT!!! Because I was gonna say something about it!

There wasn't. No doo. He picked it up. Or somebody did. Or maybe he hid it somewhere nearby and I can't find it. Mostly it's The Attitude his sphinctered-forth that was a bother.

We all have shit to clean up in life. Shit happens. It's Part Of The Gig. And you know when you have to clean it up, AND NOBODY LIKES BEING TOLD TO CLEAN UP THEIR SHIT...

So don't make somebody have to.

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MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT

Work It Out; P90X Review

I bought the P90X system a while ago. It was my intent to dedicate myself to every aspect of the fitness program in order to achieve the sexiest body I possibly could. Because that’s important. Being sexy is important. It says so on the TV. Sexy, you’re not enough of it. Get more of it in 90 Days!

The cost isn’t too crazy compared to what you’d spend on a membership sign-up fee at a gym that has good equipment, sexy people, and middle-aged immigrants working out in their jeans and khakis. And you would get to smell other people’s sweat and body odor. I remember one guy at the last gym I was a member of, he did a lot of indoor tanning and often smelled like a burnt blackberry. This is all missing from the P90X experience.

The upside of P90X is that you will get your money’s worth if you want a challenging system of workouts. You’ll get in shape quickly and notice within a week some changes to your physique. If you follow the nutrition plan (80% of your success comes from this) you are well on your way to the sexy physique of your dreams of sexiness. This is a Full Fitness System, and the only thing you need to bring to it is about an hour a day, and the right attitude. Because you’re gonna work your ass off if you’re ready.

What it did for me:
Weightloss – No. My weight stayed steady for 60 days, and after that much time I said "F it." It fluctuated 2lbs up & down during a week. I did not perfectly follow the nutrition plan because, like most plans, it would require about an hour of food preparation a day. I did drop my bodyfat percentage about 3%. Certain areas feel sexier than others. I went back to the Turbulence Training, short, intense workouts.
Muscling Up – Yes. I got stronger and packed on some muscle, in my arms and back especially. Moderate weightloss makes you look more muscular, but I am positive I got stronger in some areas.
Fitness Level – Upped it. Cardio wise, jumping ability from plyometrics, flexibility. I’m in better shape. But not looking at that 7% bodyfat you see on the commercials.

PROS:
Muscle Confusion = Diversity of workouts – The workouts change daily and monthly. You skip the plateau periods, each session is mapped out for you, and you do a week of lighter workouts each month to “rest.” And the focus of each day’s workout changes, one day it’s Resistance, the next day it’s more Cardio based. You won’t get bored on your way to being sexier.

Intensity = Results – Each workout is about an hour long and if you hang in there you will really get your money’s worth out of it. You never feel like you’re not working enough. But you have to incorporate the mindset of INTENSITY to really achieve results. Don’t buy if you won’t try to get sexy.

Goal-based Combinations – If you’d rather just get leaner than beefier, there are a couple of combinations layed-out in the guides to get you there. If you want to really cut up and boost muscle while burning calories with cardio, there’s a combo for that, also. You define sexy, and go there.

CONS:
Time Commitment – Each workout is about an hour from warm-up to workout to cool-down. Yoga is about 90minutes. These would be shorter if Horton wouldn’t be talking the entire time in between sets and hawking other products, but hey, it’s part of the gig for getting sexy.

Intensity – That is, these workouts can be monsters. The phrase in the system is to “Do Your Best, Forget the Rest.” The best you can do is get in and start going the best you can. Sexy awaits. The people working out in the videos are all P90X graduates, and in great shape. If you’re not a real self-starter, forget it.

Extras – You don’t NEED a lot of extra stuff to work out with. But for the ultimate sexiness, you would need a chin-up bar and varied weights of dumbbells. They walk you through the variations you can do with the resistance bands. It can be discouraging to not have all the bells & whistles, but do the best you can.

If you have 6-8 hours a week to work out, get P90X. You can likely get free shipping and return it if you need to. It’s an ass-kicker, but like any workout sexy system, your results depend on your dedication and ability to listen to Tony Horton yap for an hour a day.

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MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT