The Geoff Lott Rules Live Tour Of Comedy & Talking

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Friday, July 16, 2004

If you haven't ever seen "This Is Spinal Tap," go get it.  BUY, do not rent, BUY the Platinum Edition.   
Christ, when you hear that their second drummer died from choking on vomit, but it wasn't his own, and you can't really dust for vomit... you have begun to live
Then see "Office Space" and "The Office," both seasons, and you'll know where the hell I'm coming from.

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Thursday, July 15, 2004

Before I Get Outta Here

Hey, I lost my cell phone yesterday. It sucks. My cell phone is like a satellite-fed IV of security. To quote, and not STEAL FROM, Marc Maron, "Don't worry, I'll get Jewy in a second." No, wait, it was, "What am I going to do? The satellite won't find me, and someone I probably don't want to talk to can't call me!" At this time of day I usually get calls from one person who probably won't be calling me for a while for reasons I ain't gonna be discussing up on this blog, so y'all bettah just get out ma FACE widdat.
And PigTit Forbid that I actually remember phone numbers. 90% of the time over the past 5.5 years I've been dialing and receiving calls by name. Who changed their name to 1-206-255-5551? Weirdos.

I still have my home phone, but I pay like 10-cents a minute for long distance and since I live in Kenmore EVERYTHING, from my friends to my dreams, is long distance. Luckily I have a calling card with long distance minutes on it. Best present you can give a guy in jail... what? Nevermind. I have like 600 of those left. Better dig that out of the coupon envelope.

Outlaw store-specific discount cards. Drop your price. DROP IT. NOW. Refer to my earlier blog on Debit Card readers for why I think any more cards will just halt civilization.

If you wanna reach me, send me an email at GeoffLottRules@yahoo.com. If you know my home# call me there. Make sure I haven't gone crazy in all of the, you know... SILENCE. Take care, sweet little freedom turtles.

Oh, and damn near everyone I work with carries on conversations that seem to come right out of the pages of Eddie Bauer. Wow, Curt, you and your wife went to your brother's house and did What, you say? You had a... hmm, a Bar Be Cue? My my my, that IS exciting. Is this the brother with one testicle or the one who's girlfriend f*cked a tow-truck driver in your tent last Memorial Day? Sorry, I shouldn't pry, but you're f*cking boring, you boring f*cking bore. And nobody cares that you named your son Icarus, except your son for the next 14 years. YOUR HEAD REMINDS OF A PENIS. Which reminds me, your eyes are too close together.

And short Boston guy? SHUT YOUR F*CKING DOOR. I think I'm going to come sit in your office whenever you are on the phone. It's so loud anyway, I may as well have a front row seat for your "banalogies." WOW, you equated the negotiation of software contracts with the conflict in Iraq. You've offended not only whomever you're conversating with, but also the parents of every person, regardless of nation of origin, and the kind folks at "Learn To Complete A Sentence NOW!" instructional software. F*CK, dude, you shouldn't be on Xanax. You ain't fun when your chems are balanced. Get the stomach flu and shit yourself comatose.

YES, in fact, I DO need a nap.
Bye!
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Check out my New Blog. Beware, it is NOT funny.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

My friend Jimmy Leedo was supposed to blog for me today but his house-arrest got canceled for a repeat offense. I don't even know why he was on H-A in the first place, maybe he will share that with us when he can write.

Anyway, I'm going to be incommunicado for a week or so, and Jimmy, an old friend from my formative years, will be blogging in my place. E-mail me if he gets too weird or out of line.

Laters, taters.

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Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Must we have 5,936 different styles of Debit/Credit Card readers?

Customer Usage Negotiation Technician: "Push the button. The green one, that starts it. The red one will, no, see you pushed the green one twice, now you've killed a one-eyed kitten. Nice going Pushy.
"Okay, hit the green button ONCE, okay? Wait a second.
It usually takes a second."

Me: "Hmm.. I actually have the cash here, let's just ..." BEEP

CU: "Okay NOW hit the Debit button and slide your card through. The stripe has to face North or... nope, that was South. You're getting ass zits as we speak.
Try it again. There you go, it wasn't that hard was it???
Okay so now punch in your PIN number."

Me: "It's PIN, not PIN number. N in PIN stands for 'number.' "

CU: "Like you matter. Okay, here we go. Wow, you're buying a lot of different lotions. Dry skin?"

Me: "None of your business?"

CU: "Do you want cash back to buy stuff for your lotion party?"

Me: "Yes, I'll take $50."

CU: "Ooh, the warming kind of lotion. Spicy one, you are. Tell me in a second when I ask you again. I'm in a pattern of not listening to what people say to me."

Me: "That explains the neck brace."

CU: "Do you want lotion on your palms for $50?"

Me: "What?"

CU: "Cash back?"

Me: "Yes, $50 please."

CU: "Ooooh, still whoring about, are ya? Well push the button under the denomination of bills and country of origin you'd like the currency to come from."

Me: "What? $50 from THIS country, America. What's going on here?"

CU: "Here you go. Enjoy your day."

Me: "This is $50 worth of Chuck E. Cheese tickets. Get your manager over here."

CU: "I am the manager."

Me: "Of course you are. I should have guessed from the bright eye make-up and look of hopelessness in your eye. Nice brow, by the way. Stout."

CU: "What seems to be the problem?"

Me: "You just gave me $50 in pizza parlor raffle tickets..."

CU: "Are you asking me out?"

Me: "What? Uh... no, I just want my $50, American, in 20s and 10s. I'm in a hurry, this is giving me a massive stomach ache."

CU: "Well why didn't you say so?"

Me: "I did. Twice. And now I think I'm going to explode, let's do this."

CU: "Ahem..."

Me: "What?"

CU: "You need to push the blinking purple button twice, then hit 5 then 0, then... did you just move?"

Me: "Uh, yeah. I'm standing on a candy lump of some sort."

CU: "I thought so. The system's down now. Nice job."

Me: "Look, here's cash for my lotions and whetting stone. I gotta go."

CU: "Thanks for shopping here! Can you fill out this Customer Feedback card?"

Me: "Sure thing... Where's your men's room?"
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Monday, July 12, 2004

What Do You Mean, You "forgot?"
You should read this post every day.

You mean, that guy was a real cop? I thought he just like mirrored sunglasses.

Think you got out of paying the city of Seattle for that 10-year-old parking ticket? Guess again.

Maybe I Deserved It

The past week has been lively. I've been all over the map with comedy stylings. I've been in a few heated scenarios in my personal life. My work life is, well Work. I had a few old habits pop up that put me into old, familiar positions and I'm not really happy with them. Nothing can hurt worse than making the same mistake again. I should know when it isn't "just gas." Forget that part...

Friday night at The Chuckle Lounge I went up to a relatively "off" room and had a good set. I didn't do much of the new material because it's not fully worked out yet. That's comic-speak for "I'm a lazy ass." More on that in a moment.

Saturday I was off to Cle Elum with M, to attend her friend's wedding. It was at a Ranch over there, and before you laugh at the fact that it was on a ranch, let me tell you this: It was gorgeous. Everyone had a good time. People were drinking not only before, but DURING the ceremony. The people were all very cool, nobody being unnecessarily bitchy or annoying. There's nothing quite like a wedding where the bride is whistled at while walking down the aisle, and the photographer gets heckled with "Hey, down in front." Then we went camping.

About 1 in the morning I was up and moving a bit to use the bathroom (a.k.a. sitka spruce nearest the tent), and hopped out of our tent. We were kind of no where you'd heard of, in a place I couldn't imagine even existing. Looking skyward I swear I saw every star ever created. No ambient light out there. No cities. No smog. No back-yard bonfires consuming the last of a philandering husband's $1500 Armani suits. Just M, me, a blanket, and a few minutes under the stars. You really need to get to the ocean or the middle of the state and camp out one night and see the stars. They are so bright, so clustered together, so perfectly positioned in the sky, like a billion Chinese people looking for asylum on our shores. A billion shiny Chinese people.

Sunday was fun, too. Taking our time back from Cle Elum, we swung by Snoqualmie Falls, and hiked down to the bottom to get a full view. The walk down: FUN. The walk up: BUN. As in BUN BURN. Good lord, my legs and Honeybaked are sore today. Feels pretty good. And that was about it for the weekend... oh wait... Instead of the original plan of getting home early to get on with the day, a quick phone call turned from a lunch invite to a boating invite. An hour later we're heading to Lake Stevens to head out on M's friend's Nate's boat. We cruised around in the sun for a few hours, and I went a couple of turns on the towing tube. My neck, shoulders, arms and legs are sore. I feel like I went three dates with Anna Nicole.

So anyway, that was my weekend. I know, it may seem boring, but I'll tell you this: The party has not started until the 27" chainsaw comes out.

YEE-FAWKING-HA HA HA


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