Fire Eats Phoenix (Rising Blood Moon)

It's Friday night, 8:21 as I start this, and I have no desire to do anything. I think it's either that I have a cold coming on or just can't stand to be in a comedy club tonight. I'm out of it. I'm grumpy but properly hydrated and fed, so my glucose levels should be okay. I'm going to chalk it up to general malaise.

I'll be 31 in 2 weeks, and I always have this dilemma around my birthday of what to do and whom it should be done with. I love just hanging out with my friends, and lucky for me, this year, my birthday's on a FRIDAY. I'll likely just have a quiet night in with a couple of chardonnays and the latest Harry Potter on audio CD.

Perhaps my state of blahness is from overtraining. In the past 21 days I've worked out 18 times, either doing at least 30 minutes of cardio or 20 minutes of weights with 20min of cardio to cap it off. I could be exhausting my body overall... Perhaps. It's a friggin' nightmare, however. I've been watching what I eat, really trying to stay away from the bad stuff like sugar-coated sugar balls made with butter and bacon-sugar fritters. And I've plateaued at a loss of 4lbs. That's nothing, that's like drinking one less bottle of water each day. I have the metabolic rate of a caffeinated Marlon Brando. And getting older probably isn't helping. I have no clue what else to do, except go to a nutritionist to see if they can set me straight. They'll likely tell me I have to start a more vegetarian lifestyle, which I've tried, and it didn't work. It made me very docile and depressed. So Western Medicine just is not all it's cracked up to be.

There was a time in comedy when you saw a comic lose weight and the whispers of a heroin or coke habit wafted like so much second-hand freebase smoke. Drop 10lbs now and everyone mutters "Atkins, huh? That's rough on you." I think I need some carbs of some sort. If anyone's got some blow, lemme know. I'll bring the strobe light.

BTW, Tony Moser is the hackiest black comic around. Wow, stereotypical "White people" this and "Cracker" that. Brilliant.
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Son Of Abyss (Mornok's Robe)

Brazilian Woman Gives Birth To Giant Baby:
Baby last seen squeezing toy cow... no, actual cow
This story's been all over the news wires this morning. See if you can find a pic of this man-child. The kid is scary monsters big.
He's 16.7lbs, the size of a normal 6 month old. Luckily for mom - and dad, to some extent - the baby was born via C-section. Mom's a damn turkey bowler. Brazil is a microcosm of monstrous evolution, where anacondas get so big that they make terrible movies, and pirahahanas can skin a goat faster than I can.
MOOOOOOOO

Now It's Time For A Rhyme On The Way I Say What I Think Today
People say success of mine comes from my intelligence.
No, it's 'cause I'm dope, if I was whack I'd be irrelevant.
And you think it's never over when it's over then I know you
to be common to the lowest denominator
hate her even more than you think you love yourself
and you'll soon understand why you have enough room on the shelf
no snapshots of those who tolerated your act
only one seat in your pity party, the fact is this,
just your trophy as the greatest little person of all.
SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU WHEN I'M THIS MOTHERF*CKING TALL.
Because I was born a Giant Baby.
- - -
Man, the rap game come easy to me.
- - -

OH HELL YEAH
Thanks to The Sun, the best newspaper in America even though it's British, I have a reason to look forward to movies in the year 2006.
David Duchovny was quoted to say there's another X-Files movie in the works. TV hasn't been the same since Mulder went his own way, sorry T2 guy. I'm really looking forward to the movie because the series left a lot of questions unanswered, such as:
1) Is The Smoking Man responsible for the disappearance of Samantha Mulder?
2) Isn't "Samantha Mulder" a kick-ass nod of a name for an adult film weiner bucket?
3) What's with the bees? The Africanized bee is more aggressive, sure, but to purport that the bee could deliver a virus that would gestate into the gut-dwelling alien puma is way over-complicated. Why not just put it in the water supply? What am I thinking... that was a plan hatched by the government, of COURSE they use the most expensive manner possible.
4) Which planet it Vice President Cheney from?
5) What did Mulder do with his adult film collection? Was he looking for his sister in those tapes?
As you can see, the number of dumb questions can go on for practically 100 or 2 more lines. Keep your fingers crossed. Helps ya stop picking inside of your nose.

For Killorn
Science be all up on ya now.

I'm out.

Fire Field On A Black Moon (Sword Of Horus)

FINALLY I have found a FTP program that is free and kicks ass from the inside out.
I hope to have my website re-designed soon, as soon as I figure out this "Website Making For Dipass MoFo's" tutorial.
I'm hoping it will look like a men's mag, like Esquire meets Weekly World News after a Guns & Ammo singles mixer.
Until then, you need to stop saying you're "gonna go" and friggin' "GO" see some live comedy. You don't like to laugh? Then why the cheese are you reading this?
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Lucky For Some, Talent Is Not Necessary

COME TO THE COMEDY UNDERGROUND TONIGHT FOR THE "HIGH CONTRAST COMEDY" SHOW!
I, Lizzy Pilcher, and Blaine Reeder will each be performing for 20 minutes. At the end, we battle to first blood. Cost is $6, show time is 8:30pm. COME ON DOWN!

NEVERMIND... you missed it... GAWSH

TONIGHT, Wed., 1/19/05: Divine Sucrets of the Ha Ha Sisterhood and Copyright Twins. 8:30pm:
KILLORN O' will be performing, and you need to laugh, so GO.
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Tonight marks the 4th season of "American Idol." The auditions are over. Some dreams are going to be realized. Some are going to be crushed, then revived when the dreamer is seen as a novelty, an imp, a "freak" if you will, and people can make money exploiting their lack of talent.

Most of us know the tale of William Hung, a mildly disfigured boy who never says "I quit," and never says "Yes" to orthodontia. His audition for last season's Idol was an enthusiastic but spastic rendition of "She Bangs" by Ricky "Livin' La Vida Retardo" Martin. It was uncomfortable to watch, but he went for it. He did the best he could, and isn't that what counts?

No.
What counts is that the guy caught a break. He did not get to where he is because of talent. Talent is an endowment, a gift, the "it" that seperates the learned from the blessed. However, some people train their skills beyond some other people's natural talents. The human mind can fathom a great number of scenarios (see: Tool Videos or LSD), but the human Spirit is the ultimate catalyst. William Hung has the "it" that a lot of people miss: He cares about what he does, and has fun doing it. He is talentless, but he is not driveless.

And when it comes to talentless puddles of ass-sweat, Ryan Seacrest trails only Carson Daly for "King Dampspot." Carson Daly answers the question "Has any human ever successfully mated with a Furby?" See for yourself.





To get to the point, FINALLY, I have seen a great number of performances on comedy stages lately that make me cringe. These are performances by comics who have been going at it a while, yet are stuck in the wake of the U.S.S. Apathy. These are a few rules I try to follow when I step on stage, so that I give of myself fully and don't blame or assault the audience for lack of response.

* A joke falls flat, and is followed with "I think that joke's funny." Then I should have kept it to myself, or tried it out a few times before dropping it on the crowd, working the rough spots out. There's a big difference between being able to write a good joke that everyone laughs at and whoring yourself for a laugh.
* Asking "Ya know what I mean?", "Know what I'm saying?", or "Right?" As a performer, it's my duty before taking the stage to believe in myself without the need for the audience's agreement that what I'm doing is acceptable. More than that, I would have ceased being connected with my words and I amthen no longer present, but going through the motions.
* Single-phrase joke structure. I see a lot of hacky, offensive comics do this. I have a couple of small jokes that started with a funny idea, a word or two in my head, and I tried to build up the idea around them. There ought to be a few licks before ya get to the center of that funny Tootsie Pop.
* Going over time. We all only get so much time to perform, both on-stage and in life. Every performance of mine should have SOMETHING of benefit, even if it's just for me. Zero growth = additional death. When the time is up, sticking around just bothers everyone who needs to move up a notch. Finish the will, and head for the great green room in the sky. Know what I'm saying?
(I kind of did this last night at the show, sorry guys)
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The Laughs Are Always Louder For The Other Guys

I'm a contestant in the Giggles Laugh-Off. Matt Schmidt's also in it, and many of his sentiments are echoed by any comic who has ever been in any sort of competition.
Comics are a very different breed of performer. I don't know if the composers of classical music way the F-sharp back in Vienna rode the same largely fluctuating highs & lows that comics do. I can't imagine they did, seeing as how opiates were in high supply and legal back then. Then again, there wasn't much else for people to go see as far as theater went. Shakespeare had died hundreds of years before, so it's not like people were bastardizing his work for a sequel. If you wanted to see some live music, you hitched up the fanciest pantaloons you had, silk-stockinged your gout-aching feet, tucked a flask of Absynthe under your powdered wig, and called for a carriage to take thee to the recital hall where emotional movements of deeply layered genius rang about your ears, and everyone looked like a woman.

No matter how I do in these competitions, I have a little voice in my head that is scheming for a way to boost my performances. This time around I included three jokes that were less than 3 weeks old. During my last set on Saturday night I was pretty much forced to verbally address some dumbass in the 2nd row who couldn't figure out that she was bothering everyone. My first thought was that she was ordering a drink. But then I realized that Giggles doesn't sell a drink called a "My Daddy Didn't Give Me Enough Attention," so I gave one hot look to the chatty section.

Knock-knock!
Who's There?
Quiet down.
Quiet down, who?
QUIET DOWN, WHORE.

I attacked her clothes, her looks, her future as a woman, her reputation, all to a certain delight in my head that sat in the massage chair but had it's feet on an ottoman made of broken glass. I didn't want to take time out of my set to deal with that chick, but an instance like that requires the performer to address it. So I did. And I got a great response. The crowd was with me the whole way, and the more cutting my words, especially "You need to work things out with your dad," the louder the crowd responded.

It's in those moments that a comic is either acting, bullying, or accessing a part of their personality. Acting can be sniffed out in a heartbeat. Bullying would imply that the comic goes after the person FIRST, to draw them into the firefight because the comic has nothing to say about what is, a deeply boring and very happy world. But that part of my personality that was fed up with this drunk monkey's antics really enjoyed coming out to play. I can see why some people try to intimidate others all the time; it's very empowering to stand on a stage and have a large group voice their support of your sentiments.

That's probably also the area of my brain that would have been angered had I not been doing well in the competition. This is my 3rd comedy comp., and the overall attitude of the comics is great, which will likely help. But next week a guy will be returning to the contest, after having been tossed out last week, and he'll be overly-serious about the whole thing. When you take anything too seriously, be it yourself or your love of ferret rescue, you get dangerously close to being ridiculed. If you can't laugh at yourself, don't worry, everyone else can and will.

I'd rather be at home watching the rest of the special I started last night regarding the "Da Vinci Code"s references. It's far more interesting than listening to the wingnuts here talk about it as if they're 6th-level Freemasons. If it weren't for my co-workers, a lot of bad coffee would never get made. Overall, today, I'm really F'ing bored with this job.

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My Non-Funny Blog.