This Is What It's Come To

I had planned vacation days for today and tomorrow. No work. Play. I'm at work today for a couple of reasons. The main reason is that I have 4 managers. None of them talk directly to me until they F up and need to tell me to fix something. The good thing is that whatever they think is broken probably ISN'T, because I don't do enough work to break anything anyway.

I have a project in front of me that I was handed on the 16th of April. It was going to be due for presentation on 5/13 to a group of people who feel that what they do for this three-legged dog of a company actually amounts to a hill of disposable cell-phone batteries. It doesn't, by the way. So in this report I'm supposed to gather and manipulate the data for the month of March on the efficiency of a few processes we run here at Turkish Prison Cellular, as per our conversation on the 16th of April.

Yesterday one of my 4 managers, whom I shall refer to as Pigtit, because he's bulbous and pinkish in hue... (I just threw up a little)... stops by my desk after a meeting with another Director-level mopey waste of organs. He tells me that we'll need the numbers for April, but that will be odd because the end of the month isn't until Friday. No schidt? aaaand NO SCHIDT! So he's changed the criteria for a deliverable one week before it's due. It's important that I point out to you, dear reader, that I pointed out to him, Pigtit, that I had written down in my notes from the 4/16 meeting that our main priority was March metrics. His comeback?
"Well yeah, but that's because it wasn't the end of April yet."
Does this make sense to you? The words make sense, but the idea, the gyst, the REASON FOR OPENING THE PIGTIT PIEHOLE makes no damn sense whatsoever. Luckily I'm ahead of schedule for the actual work I need to do on this report, because...

later on I get a Pigtit-mail that is a reply for clarification on a few issues so that I knew what I was doing from here on out and made myself look good. It's the corporate equivalent of reverse psychology: This is what you told me you wanted. Are you wrong? Turns out... he was! STOP THE MUSIC, this shouldn't be a surprise to any of us at this point. Other than finding the M&Ms in trail mix, this guy's ability to sift through information is suspect at best. He tells me that the big report due on the 13th isn't due on the 13th anymore. Yeah, that's due on the 6th. They moved the date up a week.

Nowhere in here have I used the words "apology" or "sorry." See, when I goof up and it affects someone else, I apologize and I mean it, because my goof messed with someone else's day or life or happiness, and I am sorry for doing that. Pigtit's head-in-the-hamhock maneuver not only could have REALLY f*cked himself over, but it almost put me in a position to look really bad and maybe get fired. Instead I'm in the office on a gorgeous day working over some files for schidt that means NOTHING to the future of this planet, mankind, or making out with M, who's leavin' on a jet plane in a few days. I don't want to be here. There's really no cosmic reason to be here. It's only a job, not THE job, it's just money. It helps. I shut out the pain and find the hilarity of it all. And THAT my friends is WORK.

I'm checking the company handbook to see if it's true that you can get fired for hitting a co-worker. Pussies.

Take Me Home

Total Friggin' A-Hole

Yeah… go ahead. Whistle. Whistle that nameless, shapeless tune. Formless tweets into the air, go for it assneck, you go blow all you can.
Louder.
I SAID LOUDER YOU DICK!
I want to dance to your jaunty tunes, mixing two-step with high kicks and chokeholds! You are a dick, dude. You can’t stop making noise, can you?
Cough… cough cough, sniff… sniff sniff sniff, cough cough, ahem… ahem./..It’s amazing that the Administrative Staff hasn’t blacklisted you. Next time you try and order a 6-foot sub for your “Team Building” day, you’re gonna end up with a 6-foot tub.
You’re a dipschidt. Stop speaking in metaphors. When your vendor leaves out an upgrade package, say “There’s something out of line here” and fix the problem. Don’t say “They sold us a Happy Meal but forgot the toy,” and then don’t say “We got the pizza with no cheese, ya know?” and then don’t say “It’s like we bought a car with no CD player, and all we gots are CDs.”
Got it, you dropped the ball and didn’t ask a question. Cool.

I hope you’re reading this so I can remain passively perturbed at your workplace existence without actually confronting you on what a truly annoying human being you are.



Take Me Home

I’ve been hammering, hacking, elbowing, clawing, and headbutting my way through a gauntlet that is Excel. Just today I figured out every last calculation I’ll need in order to give the proper metrics to the team I’m reporting to. They asked, I worked, I found, I delivered.
Well, I thought I had. Then management got involved.
In multiple rows of the report there is a section asking for “90% Resolution Time.” They’re asking for a number here, a percentage of the other lump I’ve found, manipulated, and divulged information from. They are also asking for “The Red Crayon” from the box. There’s red. There’s also dark red, bright red, tomato red, harlot lipstick red, etc. So I ask “what kind of red would you like.”
The answer: “Oh yeah, that’s a column we added. Let’s meet tomorrow to talk about it.”

Please see my post from earlier to find out my ideas on meetings.

Take Me Home

Focus On The Job At Hand

I just finished a 6 day jaunt to find the proper formulas for a monstrous spreadsheet. That was 50% of the battle, finding the right formulas to get the data in the right place.
Now I'm dawdling. Doddling. Putzin' off. My apathy is truly inspiring. It's so odd to think that this monstrosity of a company will not be here next year. That's how bad it's been. This isn't like divorce either, where there are a number of reasons for two people to split up. This is like donating your body to science, and doing so while still alive.
To paraphrase Woody Allen:
"Those who can, Do. Those who can't, Manage. Those who can't Manage call meetings." Rome did not conquer the world in meetings! Rome was kicking the asses off of every settlement around it. Why? Because it had an ass to kick off. Rome was led by total a-holes and egotists and self-aggrandizing sumbitches with few morals and less integrity. But they GOT THE JOB DONE. I can only hope I'll be able to win the chariot race at lunch.
Yay Team Building day. Yay.

Realized Something

God has put me in a position of my life where I am not to be taking, only to be giving. I'm open to whatever comes my way, that's the only way to get the good, even if there's a little bad in it. But last night I realized that all the other good stuff that's come my way in the past year now needs to be turned back out to a few people close to me. I'm not going in to details here, yet, but a hero of mine is starting a long fight, and someone else I admire is on the last stretches of hard work and progress. My hero needs some good stuff as a means of inspiration and help. My dearly admired may need it because of all they've been through, it's time for a reminder of how truly awesome they really are.

So do one nice thing for someone you care about today. Buy them lunch or dinner or a drink, send them a card, empty their dishwasher, or just listen to them complain about their day. You'll get your turn soon enough, but sometimes, the wheel just needs a little nudge.

Hey, who's all sentimental today? This guy, the one who's gonna make millions writing Lifetime movies!
Peace in the Middle Earth!
Geoffers

Take Me Home

I am laughing my fundle (Fun + Bundle) off right now about the lunacy of working for a company that is circling the drain while the vultures are over head. Managers are managing through Mad-Libs, that old game where you fill inthe the blanks with a type of word and then the recording party reads it back to you and you cry because the drugs are wearing off and you're stuck in ding-dang cubicle.

There are a lot of folks in moment-to-moment denial, as if another meeting will save this company?
"Things aren't going so well? We should sit down and talk about it. See, we have large day-planners and Blackberry's and offices, we know what we're doing."
I see. Tell me again how people with offices and day-planners managed this company to 1/3rd of it's IPO and into a position for it to be sold? Golly, who knows?

Oh my dad, I'm too tired to be at work today. Report Metrics on THIS!!!


Take Me Home