Blog Daddy

I've had a number of people tell me recently that I need to dive headlong into the world of "Dad Bloggers," elbowing my way in and throwing-down what I know with how I write. I'm debating it, somewhat 'FOR' the notion of doing so. While I hesitate to dive in, having only been a dad for a year and a month now, I am also wholeheartedly devoted to Dad Life. Prior to that I started my foray into Husband Life. As I've learned that "My Life Is Best Not Lived For ME" I still believe that solitude has many benefits to the human condition/migraine. I love my wife and my son more than I can ever explain without decimating a threatening horde of illegal immigrants or whatever is evil right now. Truth is, however, I am still learning what it is to be a Dad to a son, to a walkaboutz-talkaboutz Toddler guy, and how to be a Husband to a Wife and Mother. Every day, something new. I mess up, frequently, verbally, and sometimes, gastrointestinally.

I am far from perfect, and perhaps perfect from far. But when it comes down to it, I read a few other Dad Blogs and get that deep-rooted feeling that a few of these guys are pandering to the Oprah-watchers who went to college to end up with their "Mrs." degrees. I honestly feel like many of them are just "cute"ing it up on their ad-bannered blog. If I do DadBlog, you can bet my sponsors won't be Alberto-VO5 and the Venus Razor. Probably be some sort of banned fat-burner and a prostate massager.

Being A Man isn't easy. I don't mean the biological travel with testicles and what is, technically, a penis. I am not talking about being the not-Woman in the relationship. I'm talking about Strength, Courage, Heart, Integrity, and Leadership, combined with Love, Tenderness, Intellect, and The Ability To Love-Make upwards of 16 consecutive minutes. The more I study and read and discuss the role of the Man in His Own World, the more I realize we're just people with expectations thrust upon us by society and Tyler Perry movies. How we respond to our own expectations and our own impulses and Life, now, that is totally up to us as Men. Being a Man is NOT a "role" to play, such as Dad or Husband or AdultBaby. It is the overall Being Man, who happens to be... Father, Husband, Worker, Comedian, Philosoraptor, Student of Life, and the like... which intrigues me.

So that's my quest for the moment. To DadBlog, or Not To DadBlog?
Any thoughts?

Take Me Home
My Blog About My Dad


MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT

Bodyweight Workouts: Gymnasts, Lions, Gorillas, Gymnasts, YOU

Are you strong? Can you squat your own bodyweight 50 times in 50 seconds?
Can you do 40 push-ups in 45 seconds?

Wanna Bet?
This guy's programs kick major ass. Check this out and drop the joint-stressing 225lb bench press rep workout.

Re-introducing Craig's workouts to my regimen, after trying the "90 Days Of Constant Chatter" workouts, I have dropped 5lbs and 2% bodyfat in 3 weeks. This guy KNOWS HIS BIDNESS, and his bidness is giving you what you gotta get to get what you gotta have: Fitness & Health.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

3 Bodyweight Exercise Workout Boosters

By Craig Ballantyne, CSCS, MS
TurbulenceTraining BodyWeight Workout Manual ON SALE NOW

If you're really busy and want to boost the effectiveness of your
fat burning workouts, I have 3 powerful tips for you today.

You'll discover how to get more done in less time, how to train your
entire body in 20 minutes, and how to instantly boost your performance
by 20%.

Get ready for 3 powerful bodyweight exercise boosters...

Workout Tip #1 - Superset Bodyweight & Dumbbell Exercises

This tip is perfect for busy gyms and busy schedules. You're going
to pair a bodyweight exercise with a dumbbell exercise in your
supersets.

This way you don't have to waste time adjusting equipment or
walking around your gym.

For example, if the workout calls for a dumbbell press followed by
a dumbbell row, switch it to:

a) Decline (or other) pushups plus DB Row
b) DB Chest Presses plus Inverted Bodyweight Row in squat rack
c) Pushups plus Pullups or Bodyweight Rows (double bodyweight
option)

Here's another example. If your workout calls for a squat (any
kind) and a dumbbell shoulder press, switch it to:

a) Bodyweight Bulgarian Split Squat (1&1/2 rep style) plus DB Press
b) Squat plus Pike Pushup or Handstand Pushup
c) DB Split Squat Plus Decline Pushup or Close-Grip Pushup

Bottom line: We are focused on movements and muscle groups and not
married to specific exercises (in most cases). Thanks to the
massive variety in the TT workouts, we always have options.

Workout Tip #2 - Ditch the Cardio, Do Bodyweight Circuits Instead

Speaking of long cardio, there is NOTHING wrong with being a runner
and enjoying long runs...but depending on long cardio for fat loss
is ultimately going to disappoint you.

So this holiday season, when given the choice between 45 minutes on
the treadmill (i.e. the cardio confessional) or a 20-minute
bodyweight circuit that you can do in your own home without
equipment, choose the bodyweight circuit EVERY time.

You'll work more muscles and, with the post-workout calorie burn,
still probably burn as many calories as you would with the slow cardio.

Plus, you'll sculpt your upper body and abs, without requiring an
extra 20 minutes of lifting after the treadmill.

Workout Tip #3 - Non-Competing Density Supersets

(This is a world-world-world exclusive...I haven't even shared this
tip with my editors at Men's Health magazine yet!)

Here we'll combine the classic non-competing TT superset method with
the classic bodybuilder method of dropsets.

The results: An instant 20% boost in the number of reps you can do
for bodyweight exercises.

For example, let's use this non-competing superset.

1A) DB Reverse Lunges
1B) Decline Close-Grip Pushups

Do 8 reps of lunges for each leg. Rest 20 seconds. Do 4-6 more reps
for each leg.

Then move immediately to decline close-grip pushups and go 1-2 reps
short of failure. Rest 20 seconds and do another set of pushups
until you are 1-2 reps short of failure. (You should get about 20%
of your original number of reps.)

Rest 1 minute and repeat the entire process up to 2 more times.

Pow!

Metabolic Muscle Turbulence like never before.

Bodyweight training is the fitness world's gift to you this holiday
season. And my gift to you is a 35% off sale on the TT 6-Month
Bodyweight Manual here:

=> Get Started TODAY! You Can Do This! <== Sale ends Thursday Enjoy!


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Take Me Home
My Blog About My Dad


MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT

Where's The Sugar, Baby?

(secret surprise at the end!)

My son Graham turns his first year-young on Sept. 23rd. It's been a really interesting year, to say the least. His journey towards being frustrated with the public education system began in March of last year when we were told Graham's due-date was September 19th. I immediately did the right thing, got on the internet, and found that to be the day that the legendarily crooked USC Trojans were visiting the vaunted, hallowed UW Huskies in Seattle. And I prayed. I prayed to God that Graham would be born healthy, happy, and 3 days late. And God answered that prayer! As a bonus, God threw in a 16-13 win by the Huskies. Take THAT, Stephen Hawking.

In the past year I've found that a lot of people share a lot of their wisdom about raising and caring for a child. Many of whom have decades of experience without ever being a parent. Oh sure, they've kept a couple of parakeets alive through a cold winter or two. Or they are an Aunt/Uncle to a few nieces or nephews. And that's, hey, that's a solid foundation for making the childless look like an asshole by offering non-comedic parenting tips. No, we're not going to let him try wine again. Thanks for your input. Enjoy sterility.

I've also heard a number of people say that they don't like babies. Or specifically, they "hate" babies. Wow. Not that they hate MY son, just babies in general. Everyone knows the grave demands babies place on people who never interact with them, so I can see where the roots of that hate have taken hold. I never hated babies, I just was scared that I would break one. A year in, no breaks, minor fears, and all's great.

What's also side-F'ed is that some people feel that they can do things while holding a baby that somewhat endanger the baby, because a mis-hap wouldn't officially KILL the child, but it seems like it should entertain your baby. Like get them to touch a ceiling fan. Or swing them around by their tiny hands. Or hold them aloft with one hand while lighting a cigarette off the grill.

Won't KILL the baby? SHOULDN'T EVEN MAKE ME THINK THE BABY MIGHT BE EVEN A BIT UNCOMFORTABLE. There is no official Baby Police, but nobody has the right to endanger your child for their own attempt at entertaining themselves by trying to get the kid to smile near a snarling pit-boxer mix. This secret hate of babies is more bothersome than the outright hatred. Old women in a grocery store are the worst. Keep your dirty nails away from his face, Bernice.

So as Graham nears the One Year mark, we are gearing up for the Birthday Party, and a number of people have asked me what kind of cake we're getting him. My wife, foremost, has done a great job of introducing healthy food to Graham as he grows. We don't feed him sugary stuff or ice cream (maybe a tablespoon here and there) or a lot of processed food. He eats a lot of fruit, loves avocados, and digs salmon. Washes it down with a nice chug of jasmine green tea. He won't turn down a Mum-Mum, either. For a kid who eats a lot of healthy, whole food we're not going to jam a huge cake in his face so we can laugh at the mess and the sugar-rush. I think it's actually pretty cruel to jack a kid up on that stuff just for a few pictures. "Tradition" can eat my Bavarian ass. Maybe a little cupcake to have fun with, but 500 calories of sugar and fat, I just can't do that to my guy.

He'll have to wait for public school.

=====================

Take Me Home
My Blog About My Dad


MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT

Ray or Lee = Big Trouble

It's happened again...

Somebody with the middle name of "Ray" done gone crazy AGAIN. Machete-Hacked a roommate for dirtying the sink. Not sure I'm against that...

It's a sure sign. Click on one of the Ray or Lee links below to see the other 6 articles about this stuff. No sure what it's about, it happens in nature, like eclipses and street-poop.

Take Me Home
My Blog About My Dad


MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT

A Nutrition Myth Laid Bare

Fat Burning Foods Myth
By Craig Ballantyne, CSCS, MS
Creator Of Turbulence Training (LINKY!)

I have to admit something...I am going to upset a few of my good
friends when I crush this nutrition myth. But if I have to
sacrifice myself in order to help you out, then that's what I have
to do.

So here's the final (and most ridiculous) nutrition myth...

The Myth - Fat Burning Foods Exist

This. Is. Wrong.

Fat burning foods are the "unicorns" of the nutrition world.

They do not exist.

And when you think about it, the term doesn't make sense.

How can a food cause you to burn fat?

It can't.

Foods GIVE you energy.

They don't cause you to burn fat.

When you eat food, the hormonal changes in your body SLOW fat burning, they don't speed it up - no matter what you eat!

Listen, the experts mean well.

They want to show you a list of foods that will help you with fat loss, but it is a myth that "fat burning foods" exist.

And yes, they are right that whole, natural foods such as chicken breasts, eggs, nuts, fruits, and vegetables all help you lose fat by
controlling your appetite and by not causing you to gain fat, but NOT ONE of those ingredients actually burns fat.

Now some might argue that eating hot peppers or caffeine or even green tea can burn fat, but do you seriously think that eating those foods is even 1/1000th as effective as a workout?

They aren't.

Sorry.

Instead, keep your nutrition SIMPLE. Focus on whole, natural foods  and limit high-calorie, high-sugar foods to just a couple of treats per week. (ed. note:  YOU WILL SURVIVE, PROMISE) Combine that with your favorite Turbulence Training 
workouts and you'll lose fat fast.

GEOFF LOTT'S ENDORSEMENT:

Check out Craig's website and products.  They'll make you understand why people are changing, and how you don't need an hour a day for 90 days to get in better shape.  Awesome workouts and nutrition plans.  FOR YOURSELF, that's why.

==========

Take Me Home
My Blog About My Dad


MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT

Montreal Showcase Update Thing

I literally just got back from Los Angeles where I was performing in a callback showcase for the "Fresh Faces" selections for the Montreal Comedy Festival. Last time I did a showcase was a miserable showing in 2004 at the Underground where I went after a heckler instead of doing my act, and felt just fine for it. You can never tell hhhWHAT these people want! GOLLY! Comedy is a fickle sister of merciful death.

My trip started Wednesday morning with a rain-soaked, 90minute trip to SeaTac airport, a trip that took about 60minutes longer than usual. I parked AT THE AIRPORT as if I could afford to. It saved me time, but not money. So no, time is not money, this time, Dollah Dollah billz, y'all. Traffic was horribly backed up, because traffic is made up of people, and well, people aren't very good at things they do every day, like drive a car.

I then speed-walked into the terminal like a freakpie, weaving and dodging old old people, and one family that from 50 feet away was hysterically funny as they tripped all over themselves. Being right behind them was the efficiency equivalent of being on in-line skates (NO ENDORSEMENTS), downhill, underwater. Idiots. When their son wouldn't pick up his bag and began a tantrum instead of getting in line, I just said "Excuse me" and moved right around them. I had no time for that.

People in positions of power usually are either under control and helpful, or they work at the airport. One guy was so gosh-golly jocular, dare I say... "Jovial!"... that he was ready to make me, a traveler, even MORE late to the gate. Everybody he spoke to got a blah blah blah blah he was a NiceHole, okay?
PICK UP THE PACE...

ShitHead Red-headed kid working for TSA who X-Rayed my wallet... you didn't give it back to me and left it unattended. I will speak directly to you and your supervisor in a private screening room the next time I fly, if you're still there. I had to climb over 2 women staring at, asking outloud "Did they just leave somebody's wallet here?" Yes... Yes they did.

I then had to run at 75% speed to my gate, feeling like OJ Simpson, especially for killing two people and getting away with it. Full flight with attitude, probably the last time I fly Alaska. Oh, and the return trip resulted in another 90minute wait while the pilots were sidetracked in Customs. Good thing they boarded everybody 20min early.


OKAY, Comedy...
Got to LA, met by buddy Todd for coffee and a peek at his new townhome. Then chilled out and went to my showcase at the Comedy Store in W. Sunset. The stage looks like this...

The room was pretty full in the main area, good crowd.
Again, I was reminded of two things after the first couple of comics:

1. Originality and Definability as a comic is tough to come by, but when it's come-by, it's stellar. Michael Kosta and Patrick Keane destroyed, and both always kill me.
2. Commitment to Content is not the same as AutoPilot. While I am pretty happy with my set, I am judging it based on the decibel volume of laughter instead of the laughter volume. I would only do one thing differently, and that is be thinner.

So there ya go...
Another trip to LA for 6 minutes of comedy, followed by 2-3 weeks of shrugging and having pretty much zero clue as to what will happen.

I do want to thank the producers and scouts from the Montreal gang for their input and professionalism. They truly give a crap about comedy, and are each just cool people in general. I am really grateful to have gotten the first shot, and the callback, after a year+ of not having anybody even stay in the room for my stuff while living in Los Angeles.

All you can do is the best you can do, and then power-mope when shit goes poorly.

=============

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

MC, HOST, CONTRACT, WORK, WORKER, JOB HUNT, COMEDY, NPO, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE

Health, Care?

Not that I know all there is to know about the machinations of working through the nooks and/or crannies of the Health Care Industry, but there are surely some changes that must be made on both sides of the receptionist's desk.

I have had moments in life where I surely needed my health coverage to handle the paperwork and bills that would have otherwise submerged me. Leg carpentry, wisdom teeth, child birth, and general quality of life stuff, thankfully, have all been handled by my health insurance. For the past 19months I have been without my own insurance (THANK YOU, horrible economy, bad borrowers, bad lenders, and California!) while working under my wife's insurance policy (Thank you Touchstone and later, the $1100/month COBRA Payment, and thankfully we had the money to pay for it). Not everyone has been in our position.

In 1999 I was in Ireland where I had a fantastic golf trip completely sideswiped by the evils of having to go to bed early in the morning after a few drinks. One night I was bowled-over by a couple of dorks wrestling in a nightclub (not a lot of women around), which ended when my knee went sideways. The next day it had swollen to the size of a grapefruit, and a trip to the local emergency care was in order. 2 hours later I had X-rays, crutches, and a couple of minor painkillers. It cost me $60, American.

There are so many facets of health care that I cannot go into right now because I have to fold laundry, but I'll tell you this:

* If you have a job that supplies health care, even on just a subsidized basis, think of toughing it out before you bail. It's tough to get coverage if you've been without it for a while.

* If you pay taxes, you should be entitled to getting at least enough coverage to keep you from throwing up too often, keeping your teeth in your head, and surely keeping your kids in good health. A healthy human is a happy human, and that's a productive human. And we gotta produce something sooner or later.

As I move forward with getting private health insurance via LifeWise, there have been some speedbumps, but I've been through much worse. The amount of $ one must pay varies greatly, but with this new plan, hopefully, when you need that $ returned to cover a claim, you won't have to fill out more than 5 forms.

=======

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

What're You Doing?

Found this by wormhole'ing around the 'net at my friend Joe Vespaziani's untouched MySpace site... don't ask... Joe is an influence, a friend, and a brilliant comedian, bee tee dub.

I watched the entire 4:30 of this video, and realized that I really have to do more in life.

It's past time. But this is a great one.

This guy just dances all around the world. WHAT?

Yeah. Not well, does he dance. That's not the point. Watch it.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

What Are You Saying?

In the world of communication, getting your message across is as much WHAT you say as HOW you say it. In fact, the latter may be more important. For example, let's say you have an empty bottle, a full bladder, and a meeting. What makes more sense to say?

1) I'm going to fill my water bottle, use the restroom, and go to the meeting.
OR
2) I'm going to the meeting, after I use the restroom and fill my bottle.

Many, many, far-too-many people are clinically annoying in how they speak, and when they decide to pipe up. Read the comments section of any local news story in an on-line news site. The internet has given people who have - and some who have not - clamored for years to be heard! To be SEEN! To have their existence made known to dozens of strangers who will eventually refer to their FaceSpace profiles before hiring them and cause the hire-er to wonder "Who is this dipsh*t, and why are they always making hand gestures with the hand NOT holding a cocktail?"

I am always delving into my mind and the works of the great cartoonists to find new ways to speak, to communicate, to express what it is that buts a burr in my figurative butt.

So as we get closer to the end of your life, and mine, please take into account a few important quotes about speaking:

A wise man speaks because he has something to say; a fool because he has to say something. -Plato

That's all I ever needed to know.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

Fame, Us, People

Today we were in Santa Monica heading to a birthing class to make sure we know how to breathe and where the baby comes out. You'd be really, really freaked out if you knew. It's... wow... ANYway, we get there and gotta... GET TO THE POINT.

I was at the lobby desk and glance to the left as a man in a red shirt, long sleeves, skull-covered, saunters around the corner, hair curly and wild. I think "Tim Burton's got hair like... THAT'S TIM BURTON."

Near him in bright pastels is a bouncy gal with hair in an up-do, and I start totally ignoring the ass-backwards lobby desk "guard" trying to figure out the parking maps. Because I KNOW that this lady has to be... HELENA BONHAM CARTER.

At which point they glance over at me (yes, I was waving as though I was signaling "MINE" for an incoming fly-ball), and I say "Hey, I love you guys! I'm a huge fan of your work."

They said?
"Oh hey, thanks! Cool!"
And they walked outside LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE LIKE ME AND some of you.

I head outside with my parking pass and far too much judgment on what it must NOT take to get a job as a lobby desk guard for UCLA Health Services. As I exit the building I see
TIM BURTON and his wife HELENA BONHAM CARTER! Just a few feet from our car, wherein My Wife! is reading something about our class. I turn to TIM BURTON and HELENA BONHAM CARTER and say "Sorry, I'm geeking out. I love your stuff!"



I peek through the window and tell my wife "Hey, that's (pointing behind me) TIM BURTON and HELENA BONHAM CARTER!"
She waves at them and says "Hiii!"

Whaddyoo think those two did?

THEY WAVED RIGHT BACK AND SAID "Hii!"

Then they walked down the street and off to do what they do when they aren't about to get hugged and cried-on by a guy who has deep emotional attachments to "Beetlejuice," "The Nightmare Before Christmas," and "Ed Wood."

In our birthing class we watched a video where some random lady in Iowa gave birth. They showed her pushing it out of her (business). Hey, how about a heads-up before the Head's out? Jeez. Bloody show, indeed.

Then we went to Calabasas to shop at Babies R Us because they were the only one in the area that had a store where teenagers weren't registering for their showers. And the sling we needed, from what I was told.

What a great day. I love my wife. I love my life. I love that we're Living. Blessed.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

TIM BURTON and HELENA BONHAM CARTER!

Bus, STOP!

Riding on public transportation, one is bound to see a number of abnormal happenings.

Guy staring at the floor while mindlessly sipping from the largest-you-can-legally-buy can o’ Iced Tea? Check.

Woman eating a single Reese’s PB Cup, though it’s been squished near-flat and she’s scrapin’ at it with her bottom tooth-stumps to get the what’s-left out of the cup? DING.

Black guy rollin’ his head and finger-pointing to the beat of music only he can hear… though he’s not wearing earphones? PO PO ZAO.

Mexicans? AY AY AAAAY!

Blacks? Unh. (na-na-na-nAAAA)

Asians? Hai.

White(s)? Yeah.

The Journey of Life is much like dealing with public transportation. Not everybody has to share the same journey, getting in and out, off and on here and 3 stops ago. See, what happened to me a few times the past 2 weeks is this. There’s a schedule drivers are s’posed to keep, from stop to stop. It keeps them from being a giant bus train all over the city, and keeps people from congregating for an hour until their bus comes… or doesn’t.

I was about 3 minutes behind schedule leaving work on foot a couple weeks ago. I walk a quarter-mile to the bus stop at Fairfax & Beverly, home of CBS TV Studios and the occasional transvestite slap-fight. At the corner I get to, I have bus option 1, the 217 that takes about 25 minutes in rush traffic to get to my home-stop. Option 2 is the 780, the Express that takes about 19 minutes and has fewer stops on the way to my destination. They arrive, usually, 7 or 11 minutes apart, then NOTHING for about 15minutes. So if you miss ‘em both, you got 15minutes to contemplate why you left work 3 minutes late. 780, 7 minutes, 217, 11 minutes, 780, etc. Miss one, and your evening drinkin skej goes pear-shaped.

Today, walking home from the store, with a schedule in my head to e-send something to My Wife!, I decided to make it faster and catch the bus. This time it’s a 3minute bus ride or a 20min walk. Bus runs every 12minutes, usually, so even if I miss one, I’m gonna make up the time. Well I hit the stop and wait. 8minutes past when it should’ve come, not bad. Took me 5min to walk to the stop and no bus passed me, so the bus is running late. I waited a few more, then realized, hey, by now, I could be WAY the hell closer to home and further from what botanists call “probably a hobo’s drying pee.”

The bus is late, way late. And things to be done are waiting. Where da bus is, yo?

And I said “well I can’t wait for this power trip, I gotsta GO,” but to myself. In a very H&R Block-friendly voice. And I started walking. I cross the street, parallel to the bus lane o’ travel. The bus stop, not 1minute behind me, is empty. Just me, a bit East of ‘er. Walking.

And then That Bus blazes by. I’m 100 feet from the bus stop. The bus, now 8minutes behind on the day before damn-near ever’bawdow has a day off and traffic is lighter than Heidi Montag’s “Thought Book,” rips by me. RIPS. 50 in a 35. Ain’t my fault.

And a theory of Life hit me as the wind rolled up my back while I said, “Mother ASS BITCH POO STAIN.” It may have gotten racial. Sorry. Public Transit is piloted by some WEIRD people. Would YOU wanna drive strangers up & down the street all day? No. You’re too busy thinking of ways to cook loin of venison with a red wine-cocoa nib reduction. So what was I talking about? LIFE.

We have stops in life. Moments. Milestones. Wait points. Who knows when you’ll get off at one. When another bus comes around, it may not be y’all’s. But those stops are there. As you wait at your stop, some may think, “Look, that sex-diesel is waiting for a bus!” or “If I were at that bus stop, I’d keep my distance from that one. But then again, my raw food diet means I rabbit-fart day long.” But there you are. Bus Stop Waiting.

Because you could just start walking, too. You could up and go. Sun on you. Wind at you. Rain soak you. Breeze cool you. Tiring you out. Because you cannot wait. You can’t. And That Bus isn’t coming around, or hasn’t, and if you walk, you’ll be closer to your destination, and can likely pick up a bus at another stop down the way there.

Or you could wait a bit more. Because when it does arrive, you’re then speeding along at a much faster rate than you can walk (no offense), and back to reading “The Outliers,” ironically, for your present sitch.

Do you know when it will arrive?

Or do you just Know it will, and when it does, you’ll be ready for the ride?

Sometimes it’s better to just hoof it and get there.

Sometimes you miss it by a second and your effort closes the distance.

You may wait much longer than you want.

You may hit it at the right time.

You must know it will come for you. Have Faith. You’re on your way, even if you aren’t moving. But… You can walk and get tired. Or!!! You can wait while others think you’re lazy for not just walkin’. Your faith that it will arrive can save you the effort of “doing it yourself.” And just a bit-more waiting as you read your hot book gets you to where you’re going much, much faster.

Or you can walk and see where a homeless guy OBVIOUSLY took a shit in a Von’s bag and didn’t seal it in front of what was once Culver Nissan.

And no, I’m not saying God is a Bus Driver, nor Black, Mexican, or Multi-ethnic. But he doesn’t have all day. Pay up, get on, and shut your taco-catch. If you can't enjoy the ride, at least enjoy your read.

And some. Well. Some never get on that bus.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

Maddening Nation

ESPN has gone to new heights to showcase talents that are good nowhere else but in a niche market.
World Series coverage? Yes.
World Series of Poker? 8 straight days of it.
Bass fishing. World's Strongest Mammoth. Billiards. Bowling. Women's Collegiate Rowing.
Why not?

A few years ago they hopped on-board with the Madden video game wave... about a decade late... and started hosting and broadcasting nation-wide tournaments. This is a major culture in the US gaming circles. I totally understand that.
When I was in college at Central Washington University (GO CATS), myself and 10 other dorm-mates did similar things. We spent hours running tournaments (I've won a couple) and practicing and talking sheeeeit to each other. It was a riot.

In watching the Madden Nation Finals the other day, 12minutes I'll never get back, I noticed how intense the...
1) Smack-talking was ("Don't even TRY that, SON" and "STUPID, try it again, DUMMY, see what happens, FAM'LY!", and that's the very tame stuff), as if they were about to punch each other in the face...
AND
2) How truly dumb the players were. My sad favorite was a fat, dumb kid from Tampa named "Bud." Bud is 19 years old. He weighs in excess of 300lbs. He plays videogame football. He is, in the link above, the kid at the far left of the group.
When they did the "player profile" interview, it went like this...
"My nayn Jayng Jone. When I's bo'n, m' mama inna hos'i'al jus' call m' Buud, so das what I'm called. Buuud."
"At firs' I wan' be a psychologis'. But then I wa' like, nah, I jus' wanna be free, so I kep' gamin' and look at me now."

So I think his name is James.
And he wanted to be a psychologist, and instead, NAH, decided to "be free" and turn it up for some video gamin'. He came in 4th. In the nation. Hopefully he'll parlay that placing into a career in Madden coaching or Madden play-by-play commentary or Madden Summer Camps for kids.
Or no, he can't.

It's truly the funniest TV show on right now. It's unintentionally so, but when a 20 year-old from Philly, with waxed eyebrows, wins the whole thing, and talks about getting plasma TVs for every room in his mom's basement, you know we need to bring back the Draft.




Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

Lee and Ray = Bad News

For some reason, people with names of Lee and Ray in their CV's usually end up with some crazy schidt happening in their life. I've documented it before, HERE.

I think it may be that their parents gave them the shortest name possible, foreshadowing the darkness that would someday drip from the doublewide's wood paneling. Other than Ed or Al, this is as short as you can go without getting down just to the initials, which is an entirely different nametag job.

Ian Ith's Seattle Times Column HERE:

A 70-year-old West Seattle woman was choked and stomped to death in her apartment Friday by her grandson, possibly because she had been trying to get him to move out, police said.

King County prosecutors expect to file a murder charge by Thursday against Deon Lee Fillmore, 21, said spokesman Dan Donohoe. Meanwhile, a judge has ordered Fillmore held in King County Jail on $1 million bail.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

Alex Rodriguez Comes Clean And Lies About It

Alex Rodriguez is one of the best baseball players of all time.
That cannot be denied. Nor can his admission of using steroids for just a few seasons, 2001-2003. He did not use before nor after. NOPE. Not once. Not even when his legs went from "substantial" to "trunkish." Nor when his shoulders bouldered forward and out, looking more like a linebacker than an attention-needy third baseman next to, arguably, the greatest shortstop of all time, Derek Jeter. Nor when he summoned the Herculean strength to escape Madonna's harpy hatch, Alex was free of anything other than whatever God's Natural Chemicals (GNC) had been dumped into his system from his own endocrines. And horse aspirin.

Frankly, I don't care if professional athletes use steroids. It's entertainment, mainly, but there are 2 aspects we must look at.
1) Does the use of performance enhancing drugs (PED's) in SOME players go against Sportsmanship as it is no longer Organically-Developled Talents vs. ODT (see previous), and allows the user an upper-hand in the Strength & Reaction department?
AND
2) What if the player uses PED's and still blows? THEN what?

Alex Rodriguez was already a great player. Then did the PED's and started putting up unnatural numbers, in the retrospect of history. But at that time, when McGwire and Sosa were bombing through the 60's in the Home Run column, 57 homers didn't seem like much. So A-Rod wasn't the only one juicing his meat. That came out wrongly.

I think it's sad that we live in a society that demands so much from the undeserving-of-fame, and yet rankle at the first sign of their human-ness. Talentless girls all over the nation get boob jobs all the time, nary a word about their enhanced performance in finding a husband, or pole work of many, many interpretations. But then again, booballoons aren't illegal, simply immoral.

That's what it comes to; Steroids are a controlled substance. While they can have many benefits in healing injuries and recovering from normal-sized testicles, in the long run you're just gonna have great acne scars and a number of rage-related arrests.

So yes, A-Rod cheated. And in doing so, his opponents suffered, either in being thrown out at first, or getting their hanging curve knocked another 30 feet into the stands. These are things A-Rod could have done 90% of the time anyway, or maybe just hit the 12th row instead of the 30th. In history, he will be seen as a cheater. He will be seen as the martyr of the era that many players were using 'roids in. Football, baseball, basketball, MMA, swimming, all of it. Today, A-Roid said his cousin gave him the stuff. How nice of Alex to bring his family into the spotlight.

So we must go back to the youth of our nation, involved in sports and tell them that if they really care about their bodies, they will not take massive amounts of drugs of any sort to enhance their performance. Instead, they will stretch, eat properly, put in extra hours of practice, work out longer, go back to the practice fields, run a little further, work on their coordination, and if there's time, do some school work. Many are called. Few are chosen. Fewer can do it that well without drugs.

But if your team has lost 25% of their games by halfway through the season, they should all be eating pituatary stew until they get to .500. MILLIONAIRES, people. They can afford the organ transplants later.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

Workin' It Out

Last night was my birthday dinner, where World's Best Wife and I went to Rush Street in the downtown of our new hometown.
Red Zinfandel, Pan Roasted salmon, lobster-infused risotto with morels, baked 4-cheese mac (shared), and red velvet cake in a to-go. I'd banked calories the past few days, too, just to stay sharp for Go Time. Lots of veggies and tuna and chicken on the run-up. So I'd have a palate ready for the full experience.

We took our time, chatted about all kind of thing, and enjoyed each bite. It was great.
So how do I come back from that?

With a little bodyweight workout circuit, copped a bit from my Turbulence Training guru, Craig Ballantyne. You can get his newest edition of Turbulence Training by hitting the CLICK HERE! link up on the right there. It's about the only workouts I can adhere to. LOVE this stuff.

So, here's how I cleaned it up today:

1. Y-Squat (arms up, shoulders back, wide-stance), 15 reps
2. Push-ups, 25
3. Lunges, 12 each side
4. Bent Rows, 40lbs, 20
5. Squats, holding 20lbs, 20
6. Incline Push-up, 20
7. Side-plank, 30sec each side
8. Split-squat, 12 each side
9. Spiderman Mountain Climbers, 12 each side
10. Upright Rows, 40lbs, 20

So I did that twice, with 1min of rest in between circuits. About 10min of work for both rounds. It's as much cardio work as it is muscle breakdown. The past couple of days I had applied the Tabata Protocol (20 seconds of work, 10 seconds of rest, 8 rounds) to a number of different excerices, and my body had healed up pretty well with good eatin'. But this circuit, pretty much the same Craig threw down, kicked my own ass from the front. If you do these, and focus on the feeling of the muscle doing the work, and let your breathing dictate your pace, forget it, you're toast. You're gonna be pumped, burning a ton of gut cheese, and sweatin' like me at a Compton stoplight.

Have a great week. Do two things that are good for you this week, and maybe get a little extra sleep. You folks back in Seattle... get some Vitamin-D.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

The Road Less Traveled May Be Full Of Holes

Last night I worked a road gig in the SoCal area, driving 144miles round trip. The money was bad, the room was great, my set was a bit sloppy, but I did 30minutes (IN A ROW), and worked out a couple of new bits I'd been meaning to lay upon the friendly confines of comedy shows. This is the equivalent of running 7 miles every morning a few weeks out from a big fight. You gotta stay sharp when your boss calls you in and wants to account for the sticky-notes you seem to be Criss Angel'ing into your hatchback. Funky roadgig. Always a good time. This is unlike most shows, wherein the gig is not only in a bar or restaurant, but the booker of the show tags along. And usually needs a ride.

The booker is in his early 50's, from the sound of it, and not robustly into that decade. Decisions, Life, and Women ain't been kind. Nor have the cigarettes that go down in 4 drags. The booker tags along for a few reasons:
1) It's his show, and he wants to make sure it goes smoothly so he doesn't lose the room, nor the income.
2) At the show, he gets to drink and eat for free.
3) There are some control issues at play that start with...
*Where to pick him up, and end with
*Never giving too much credit to a good comic for a good set (keeps 'em working hard!).

I don't fear him reading this post, because he neither has a car nor any solid grips on his current living quarters. Nearly got evicted again, was his story last night.

I wish no ill upon anybody, truly. That always works in reverse. These are just facts of the story. Facts that, perhaps, need not be shared, but facts none-the-less.

Okay, so we drive the 70 miles TO the show. I was moved from the Opening spot of 20minutes to the Middle/Feature spot of 30minutes. Great! It's been a while since I ran 30, and had a lot of newer material to hone, needing some live fire to do it with. First guy goes up, does a good job, riffing with the audience and what-not. The crowd liked him a lot.

Then I go up, and get going, and let's just skip around:
1) I do some opinionated stuff that is backed up by crazy accusations and falsified facts to bolster my case. But the crowd gets it and laughs a LOT at it. For example, The Elderly (62 and older) should be relegated to shop in grocery stores only between the hours of 9:15am and 11:30am, Monday-Thursday. If you've ever run into one of them going the wrong way in a Trader Joe's (yes, there's a shopping perimeter pattern), you know what I'm talking about. This is to protect THEM, too.

2) The tried & true works greatly, including tag lines on the bit about Women's chest tattoos, and a new format of the JagerBomb joke. I totally forgot to do the joke about giving Good People extra rights, but still filled the time. That was encouraging.

3) Hit the closer, THANK YOU I'm Geoff Lott, Be Good To Each Other, good night. DONE. Accolades in numerous forms, even from the other comics and the bar staff. Felt good, but I slipped here and there and wasn't 100% happy with it. I'd give it a solid A- to a B+.

Fast Foward to the drive home. We leave the gig at 11:45. It's an hour back into Hollywood, where I have to drop El Bookerio off before I get to go home. It's late-ish, I'm tired, and he's half-drunk on free beers. And has a steak sandwich in the car, which will make cameo appearances as we get out of Orange County.

Now, the volume level of the average drunk grows exponentionally in a Civic. This is smoker's breath + Michelob Ultra + Hot Steak Sandwich (extra grilled onions) + Self unAwareness-kind of Loud. And I was doing all the work. The whole way home I hear about a few things for my career. These came AFTER... AFTER.... AFTER... he mentioned that he didn't really watch my set because he was busy doing other things. "Other Things" likely means Free Beer Guzzling, and Outdoor Chain Smoking.

The things I need to do to help my career, from a guy who left my car with 4 plastic shopping bags full of food, drinks, or bottles.
1) I need to stay hungry for time and gigs (I took THAT one, on my birthday, on LOST night, didn't I?)
2) I need to, you know, work on, you know, uh... (drunken pause)... the aspect... (pause to bite sandwich)... of delivery (smacking licks of the smoke-odored fingers).
3) The delivery... has to... match the material. (Like what bit in my act has a bad delivery?) Well, (he) didn't watch most of (my) set, but (I) want to hit different words with varied emphasis.

So, he can't pinpoint the advice, because he didn't watch my set.
He talked time and again about how he can't book guys more than 18 hours in advance because it always allows them time to cancel on him (thus putting the blame/guilt on the comic).
He gave me driving tips, yet has no car.
He ate loudly and stunk up my car.
I dropped him off in a non-descript section of Hollywood, far from where I picked him up.
I got home at 1:35am, with better material and a ringing in my right ear, a better comic for having taken the gig and worked the time on stage with the Intent of bettering my skillz.

There are no quarterly reviews in comedy. What you do is judged NOW. Funny or Not, you know immediately. Life is much like that, if you stop and see how it can go from moment to moment. Otherwise, you end up giving life and career and driving advice from one side of your mouth, while complaining about evictions, carlessness, and free steak sandwiches out the other.

Choose Funny. Stay on the High Ground.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

Credit Counseling, a Vid-yo

Check it out! New video up at FunnyOrDie.com!

Credit Counseling; a Geoff Lott Rules product - watch more funny videos

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

Nice Twits

TWITTER, the mini-blog of the Now, is a new format I hit up to "Tweet." Just random thoughts in moments.
For example:
"Big diff btwn "quitting job to follow Purpose" and "didn't show up for shift, got high and did open mics instead."

"Demanding u finish "GhostBusters 2" is a mandate of solo TV watching, so stop talking to me through the wall"

"You want fully organic, probably best to grow your own"

"50% of the people at Health Food Stores appear severely malnourished"


So if you're out there, check it out, Follow me on Twitter!

And FaceBook!

AAAAAAAND!
New Video This week! Banks, credit crunch, customer service,

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

Techknowledgey

Recently there was a report on TV about how some bands have reduced their ticket prices to make sure their fans can come out to shows in this recovering economy. In it they showed footage of a recent concert of some band I probably don't like, especially if their shows are tame enough to be taped for the 5 o'clock downer report.

What I found funny was the number of cell phones in the air at this show. Little lit-up screens faced away from the stage, which means these people were either recording the show on video or audio.

So... you wait for a band you like to come to town. Spend $50 on a ticket, IF you can get your cheese in order and take on Ticketmaster's website and the legalized scalpers. Then you pay for parking at the show, couple of beers maybe, some weed, and then, when the Likely Better Than The Headliners Opening Band is done, you wait... anticipating the lights to go down like every show...

And as the bland of your current hotPod playlist hits the stage, your heart leaps into your pocket so you can PULL OUT YOUR CAMERA PHONE?

The band your co-workers think is "inaccessibly indie-sounding" is RIGHT THERE, 30 feet from your wine-soaked mug and you're living the experience vicariously through a 2-or3-inch screen. Recording it to watch it later, in all it's fuzzy, distorted goodness.

Another thing to do in this situation is to go to the show alone, stand dead center, and let it happen around you, taking it all in. You know, get your money's worth. Nobody wants to see Hinder replayed on Y'allToob. This entire scene is a Hindenberg of technology, I cannot wait to see phones get yanked by security, all so an adult with a 17 year-old's mentality could try and recapture a non-life-changing moment.

Idiots: Ruining it when the criminals are too cool to.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

Your Dirty Windows

The on-set of FaceBook, MySpace, SpaceBalls, BallBook, MyFaceOnBalls, BallFace, BallSpace, and CuteOverload.org all funnels into the same market of the 'net now known as "Social Media." We decide, choose, and connect how we wanna connect. You can't force somebody to be your friend on the 'net. There's no booze, no coke, no lingering feelings of parental neglect. No immediate pay-off to a relationship. So superficial. So 2009.

I wanna be your on-line friend, so I can stalk you from afar, and you can see how fat I got after Senior Year. Which, if I had to do over again, I would skip WAY more often. The schooling, not the fatness. Wow. My kids are skipping whether they like it or not. I'll force my kids to skip HOME Schooling and go hang at the local alternative high for crap's sake. FOR CRAP'S SAKE, MARC, YER TAKIN' THE PISS! Now, as people carry on posting pictures of their lives, we get a peek into what's important to them. And it varies up the scale of age.

Family and Married People post pics of their kids. If I want somebody to see my kids, I'll hold my kid over the balcony, thank you. But DAMN, my family and friends put out some really cute kids (NIECES PIECES RILEY!). Okay, fine. Now the "internet public is clamoring for more of the Obama's Daughters!" Bigger than Miley Cyrus!?!?! Not at WalMart! Not yet...

Single people post pictures of places they got drunk, taken while they were drunk in those places. Bathing suits on the hotties. Self-pics. Double-fisting (that oughtta get some hits). LOTS of hugs.

Anybody still in high school, emotionally anyway, posts pics they take of theyselves and they friends and they partying in a car, throwin' finger signs and being awesome. What-what? No. No.

So, now that we have a billboard unto the world to tell 'em all what we're about? We have unparalleled access and capability to say "CHECK ME OUT." And while people become their own paparazzi, I'm just not seeing much that's exciting enough to tune back in for. And THAT banality is exactly what is so intriguing!

Please, keep doing what you're doing, and posting the photographic evidence of your life. Someday, we'll look back and remember how great you could have been, until you came down with autophotoluciopia... Blindness caused by taking pictures of yourself because you don't have any actual friends to snap one for you, fart-saver.


Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad