My Issues With The Issues

This is how I think I feel about everything that's important.

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Gay Marriage - Marriage between any two consenting adults deemed mentally competent should be legal. Marriage is a legally-recognized institution. Everyone should have equal pressure from their family and be made to feel like they are hideous freaks if not married by the age of 29. And they should not have open the backdoor of saying "Oh, we WOULD get married, but YOU won't let us!" I don't care what you do, when you do it, or how much it costs.
At the very least, incorporate. If you think the paperwork and inclusion in newspapers is what will solidify your relationship, have at 'er. Butch & Sundance were Partners. Lucy and Ricky were Spouses. Enyoy.
Apparently the Gay Community is unaware that, as tough as they've had it, they will NOT be discriminated against when getting their asses kicked by the Bride-to-Be who is ALSO trying to book the Atrium for the second Saturday in June. God be with you.

Legalizing Marijuana - Great idea. But you have to have a license to sell it, pay taxes on it, must be purchased from a licensed grower for re-sale, records kept of purchase and retail, and subject to the same scrutiny as all other vegitation that makes you happy. BUT... no retail outlets. Nope, the drug dealers already have this on lock-down, let 'em work. If it's shady, it's shady. Half the value in getting high is the feeling that you're gonna die during the transaction. And, like cigarettes, it cannot be smoked in public without heavy judgment/envy.

Prostitution - How is THIS illegal? Every other Westernized nation in the world has some sort of legalized hooking. Legalize, make the women... or men... register for a license. Prior to which, they must prove to be 18, have a GED, and (not "OR") submit to a drug test and blood test for STDs. Every 6 months, tested again. Run it outta yer single-wide like that day care that never got off the ground, lousy probation! Inspections by health inspectors! See, now you're generating JOBS AND REVENUE. Legalizing it won't drive people into hooking or looking any more than it already does. If a person wants to pay somebody to have sex with them, without hiding it as dinner and a few drinks, they should have the right to. And why subject women to the blathering of a crotch-hungry dude? Split the diff for $150, get under the bed like a good pig, and be on your way. SO UPTIGHT.
This also brings down the crime rates against women working in this line of work. They're doing it anyway. It's still a choice they have to make to go do it. Shouldn't be promoted as a viable one, mind you, but it sure as hell isn't stopping folks who need their urges fulfilled. It happens DAILY in various forms.

Seat Belt Laws - While these traffic stops do yield results in getting some thugs and felons on warrants, for the most part, it's a chicken-shit way for the cops to harrass unsafe people. It's a form of profiling, too. A GOOD ONE. You really want to make cars safe? NO SEATBELTS. Now who just slowed down 20MPH? Everybody, right. Now we're all driving around in loaded guns, makes you think before reaching for that text message, du'n't it?

Red Light Cameras - A camera? Chicken's PLOPS. You can't have ONE officer standing there pulling people off the road? MAKE IT NOW, IMMEDIATE, SPOT FOUL... you pay the fine or you get your car towed. OR, even better, do away with the camera, and put a gun turret in the camera box. Firing blanks, 99.8% of the time, but that sends a message at 240 rounds per second. To think it could have been avoided if only you hadn't hit that snooze alarm! Sorry for the .50 shell grazing your manifold.

Tax Increases On Douchenozzles, Asspleats, and Seatsniffers - Why are we taxing the wealthy when we should be taxing people who spend money poorly? $100, screen-printed t-shirt? 8.9% sales tax, and 4.1% Dunce Tax. Nice Ed Hardy tee, Yvgeny. Way to plan for retirement!
Axe Body Spray on the shopping list? How about upping the cost to about $100 a bottle? Sorry, now only for people who can afford it. And if you can afford Axe at that point, you aren't the kind of person who would wear it. I can't wear Axe BodySpritz, as I have a severe allergy to marketing. Axe, now in "Aggro Fingering" and " 'NO' Means 'Buy Her a Shot!' " scents.
Pooka Shell Necklaces should cost $500.
Male pinky rings? At 32? Just hitting the market at $2,000!
Perhaps it's a ploy of mine to drive the individuality out of people. More than likely, it's to see America with the best-dressed Foreclosed-Upon immigrants and turdwrinkles this side of ROSS.

Adopting Kids From "Developing Nations" - Adopting children from every continent, instead of, you know, getting a mug at the giftshop, is the ultimate in Celebrity Accessoriality. Mmmm. Good intentions are drawn on the back of Hermes recei-pits. I wonder how much more good would come when the village received water and food and updated facilities and schooling. Taking one child out of the village, and into a world of first-class travel, macrobiotic wet-nursing, and paparazzi, yes, MUCH better life. Using the water supply to adminster saltpeter and birth control to the population, OH NO, that's unethical. But the sex-trafficking of young girls, the rapes, the spread of AIDS, all in Nature's Plan. I cannot wait to be rich enough to care about others!

Gun Control - Everyone gets one. And 12 bullets that are made of rock salt. They'll pierece your skin, and hurt a lot, and then you'll know why you should use blinkers on the freeway. There, everyone happy now?

SUVs - Everyone in smaller cars should breathe easier. If you drive a small car, you use much less fuel. And that's GOOD, so the fire will be quick and small when you're crushed under the SUV. SUVs can only be driven by men over the age of 45. Until that time, your testosterone's too high to be trusted with this thing. And odds are you're not blaring rap's music out the windows. Nobody cares you be tippin' on fo'-fo's, mung. Nice wheelz! And how's your retirement account?

Dangerous Dog Breeds - Again, something ruined by idiots. Sorry, we can't trust the idiots, so we have to keep the breeds away from everyone. If you want to walk around with something dangerous on a leash, make friends with an Oakland Raiders fan.

Mobile Phones - You get as many minutes as equal to your credit score, PER YEAR. Text messages would be $5 a pop. Phones wouldn't work indoors unless you paid the establishment a $10 deposit, and had to talk while wearing a plastic bag over your head. You can yammer away as long as the oxygen allows.

Drinking Age - If you can vote at 18, and drink at 21, it's only right that the drinking age be changed, to 39. Your brain isn't fully developed until 25 or so, why float it on Natty Ice until you start a decent 401(k)? You shouldn't be drinking until you have to get up early for something the next morning. Drinking is for adults, not you.

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