Projectile Misfunction

Sex. Well, here we go.

I get a ton of spam emails regarding all sorts of pills for what a money-hoarding pharmaceutical industry - most of it not in America, God Bless 'er - wants men to believe is a major problem with their boners. Their LovePiston. Penisaurus. WangDang Doodle.

You can't get it up RIGHT NOW. You need a boner NOW NOW NOW. It has to be a throbbing and huge and flexed like it's in a Mr. Olympia lineup. Veiny. Rock hard. Morning boners are another way that men know it's okay to get out of bed in the morning. As long as THAT thing's working, okay then, we have a baseline function.

Here's the deal; there are few moments in life, less than 2 hours a day usually, that you benefit from an erection. All other erections are shunned, shied away-from, angrily kicked-at, and/or Tasered. And even those reactions can lead to that boner's persistence. And yet, it's not when you needed it, so HMMPH, you have Erectile Dysfunction.

When a man is a young man, the erection is an uncontrollable manifestation. Blowing wind. Loose pants. Tight pants. Shorts. Jeans. A properly-positioned peach. The peek of underpants over the top of jeans. Walking too fast. Sitting too upright. Sit-ups. The neighbor's step-mom. The step-mom's ankle bracelet. A bike seat. You'd be amazed at what ingnites the loinfire of a young man.

Throughout the course of a night's sleep, the average man's penis becomes erect 11 times. This keeps things healthy and elastic. And confusing. Do you NEED to act upon each erection's annoucement? Probably shouldn't. So does this mean that your erection is dysfunctional, or that you're just not fully embracing your erection? Some day you won't be able to get them at all. Think of that. You'll get a LOT done

Perhaps you can't get an erection because your brain is communicating with the rest of your life, and you realize that you don't have to be led around by the lie that is a drunken fumbling-'round after a decent happy hour. You may have a committed relationship, and it's now about quality and not quantity. And perhaps it's THAT mentality that is wrong... use it when it's usable, word? Stamina at an older age, an issue? Well, yeah. Because there ARE THINGS TO DO. And because most of the sex is sober. SOBER, fully-present S E X. And you feel everything and that's gonna wind the clock faster.

Anyway, you and your penis - whatever capacity that penis is to you - are fine. Your overall health will affect your erection in more ways than you can imagine. And being turned on, MENTALLY, is a great way to achieve a cell-phone camera-worthy cock picture. Stop thinking it's all on you. Maybe your life isn't boner-worthy. Maybe you're not ready to have sex. Connect with your penis. You may need to be penetrated by your inner boner, and feel yourself satisifed with, you know, the weiner that is your spirit.

Or take a pill, I don't care. Just stop making it sound like you have to walk around with a boner to prove you can get a boner. This train is too small for that.

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MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT

The Family News! A Final Blogger Blog

Dearest, dearest Dear Reader...

This will be my final Blogger Blog. I'll be moving on to another blogging tool soon due to some technical BS on the administrative/technical side of Blogger's workings. Long-story short, there's a way to synch this up with some adverts and get some extra cheddar for it. Google, the owner of Blogger, can't seem to do anything about a small snafu in my account, however, because, golly... they can't really say "WHY," it just ain't to workin'!

So this will be my final Blogger post, right on the 500 mark for those who're counting.

I'll keep my blog about my Dad, and this will always be up and running and I'll do whatever I must to keep it alive for future generations to learn about life from. But for now, I must give y'all the following update. It's a great one!
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October 6, 2007
That will forever be my sister Katie's anniversary day, the say she married Brian, one of the best, funniest, sweetest men I've ever met. With highest praise, he reminds me of my dad in many ways. I will keep too much information off the pages here, out of respect for their privacy, but I hope their matching "K&B LOVEMACHINE" tattoos are healing up nicely.

It is with deepest congrats and some extra cash that I welcome Katie & Brian among the Married Couples we love. So guys, any kids in the plans or what?!?!?!

It was great to be on the outside of the wedding so that I could get some extended family time in, also.
My parents-in-law couldn't make it due to illness, so that was a bummer. I hope my Smother-In-Law Stacey feels better soon. Dang that expired banana bread!

I did get some quality talk with the Brad unit, Diana, The JJ Vanderlaans, S-Harmon & Dakota1 representing the Michigan peeps. Very impressive group of people there, the kind that, were I not related to, I'd try and adopt-in to the family.

Aunts Judy, Sandy, and Sue were all wonderful to see again, I have a really incredibly fun family tree. This was the 2nd Seattle/Wedding trip for Judy and Sue this year, and I realized how much I enjoy hanging out with my family. Good stock in the genes.

My cousin Julie also made the trip West, a lovely sight after nearly 2 decades gone. And of course, her daughter, my 1st-Favorite-2nd-Cousin Journey racked up another 6,200 frequent flier miles before her 12th birthday. The kid's got plans!

My Grandma Sunny is also in the midst of it all, as spry as ever. I see a number of dinners coming our way with Sunny telling us to "get it together, hey." Hopefully it'll be at an I-talian restaurant.

My Mom, Pam, well hey, there isn't a more impressive person in my life lately. She really is a model of Grace, Love, Patience, and Hospitality. I may have to switch it up with her soon, get Grandma off mom's hands for a while. Totally happy to do that, as long as Sunny is consistent with the $20 per diem.

My wife, Alicia, of course, is the backbone of the quickly-growing Lott Empire. We've been taking financial planning classes at our church and it's about the most calming thing we've done as a couple, except the couple's massage on the deck of the cabana in Hawaii on our honeymoon. I married well, and I married smart. And I married beautiful. And awesome. And the right woman for me.

So that's about it. I have a lot to cover in my next blog, up next week, and I will post all the news here for you when that's ready.

In the meantime, if you know anybody who wants a sitcom, joke, comedy, or script writer, let me know. I've got skillz, baby.

Love you. Goodnight, Blogger. It's not me, it's Google.

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My Blog About My Dad