Weight A Minute

I worked out this morning, like most mornings over the past 3 months, with one particular goal...

Kick My Own Ass. I want my heart to be thumping out of my chest. I want my muscles to be on fire with lactic acid building up, and feel like I could take down a full-grown puma or maybe a bouncer.

No, it doesn't translate to my daily life. I rarely have to knock out 4 types of push-ups and jump over a chair 10 times to get my point across. I have yet to be challenged to a Joke-Off with a tie-breaker of Hindu Squats under 2 minutes. But ya know what?

I like working out. So I do it.



I have been over 200 pounds since I was 14 years old. If you doubt me, ask any of the girls at my Jr. High and High School who wouldn't date me. My weight has fluctuated in the past 10 years from 220 to 260, the former being during a period of long morning walks and lack of proper hydration, the latter during a regimen of HMB + lifting HEEEAVY weights + eating 300 grams of protein a day, and drinking 1000 calories a night. I have never been what most people would call "svelte." The majority of the criticism of my body as an adult has been in my own head.

Until recently.


I have read hundreds of articles about nutrition, training, recovery, fat loss, fat torching, fat burning, fat teasing, methods, modes, and maniacal fitness. If you want to know something about losing weight quickly, you can ask me. If you want to pack on muscle, ask me. If you want to get shredded, ask me. Ultimately, I am convinced it comes down to 4 elements:

1. Nutrition: The fewer processed foods you eat, the better off you are. The fewer ingredients, the lower the added sugar and flour and fat, the healthier the food. Protein & Produce. I'm not the perfect eater, I have days where I do bad, bad things to brownies in the name of Ice Cream. I put moves on Chocolate in front of my wife before. But I try to eat rightly 90% of the time.


2. Exercise: Short,intense workouts are better for building a nice physique than long, thigh-rubbing cardio. If you've seen Olympic sprinters vs. the winner a marathon, you know what I mean. Look up HIIT, or check out my link to the Right for Turbulence Training. but you gotta MOVE. You gotta. Walk, sprint, bike, power-billiards, yoga, jiu-jitsu, cop wrestling, just SWEAT a bit.


3. Attitude: If you don't want to exercise, you won't. WANT TO. I had to change my attitude recently about working out, from "Have To" into "Like To." I don't have to work out. I like to work out. I like how it feels to be strong, and carry my son around without getting winded, or being able to take one day a week and power-eat and not get down about it.
   
4. Genetics: When I see stories about a guy who gained 80lbs in college, then lost 75 by cutting out that third cheeseburger each day, I want to staple his left-over belly skin to his thighs. His genetics aren't like mine.

Of course I'd like to sport a leaner physique, but I'm not gonna pummel myself over it anymore. It's not worth it, emotionally, to get caught up in my own thoughts about what I think other people *might* think when they look at me. I don't care. ))shrug((

I'm in fantastic shape for a comedian, good shape for a dad, and decent shape for a guy who is ready to enjoy life. And brownies.
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MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT

Oatmeal Recipes I Created

For me, there is nothing better for breakfast than a hot bowl of oatmeal and an Irish Coffee. But I usually skip the Irish Coffee and just do what I can with the oat's bowl. And after years of eating it almost daily I had to really get beyond the packets and buckets of boredom. Oatmeal is so versatile as a food, it's great to play a bit with it and see where it takes you and which of your crevices you find it in. It's got fiber, protein, healthy fats, and helps burn your cholesterol count down. So enjoy it if you are doin' carbs, because it'll keep you full and happy for a few hours before your boss even knows you smell of wine.

Here are some recipes I have come up with over the years to keep me interested in this breakfast of champ'ons.

* I usually use quick-cooking oats, though you can use oat bran, oat groats, rolled oats, or any of the grain cereals. If you do, write a blog about it and let me know.

Anti-Ox Powerhouse (a.k.a. The Cookie In A Bowl)

• 1/2 cup Oatmeal
• 3/4 cup green tea
• 2 Tbsp Almond, Soy, Rice Milk
• Pinch of salt (optional)
• Cinnamon to taste
  
• 1/4 cup dried blueberries or cranberries
• 2 Tbsp dark chocolate chips (60%)
• 2 Tsp flax seeds (optional) OR
• 1 Tbsp almond butter or peanut butter

Mix the first 2 ingredients and microwave about 1min-20sec. Don't let it go too long.
Throw in the berries, stir.
Top with the ChocoChips and Seeds or Nut's Butter.

Protein Pumper

• 1/2 cup Oatmeal
• 1 cup filtered water, or Soy/Almond/Rice milk, or cow's milk
  
• 1 beaten egg or 1/4 cup egg substitute
  
• Pinch of salt (optional)
• Cinnamon to taste
  
• 1-2 scoops of protein powder (Whey, Soy, Antelope, etc.)

Mix together all ingredients until liquid is floating a bit above the oatmeal. Add more liquid if you need to get there.
Microwave for 45 seconds, stir. Microwave for 1 minute.

Apple Pie Oatmeal

• 1/2 cup Oatmeal
• 3/4 cup Almond, Soy, Rice Milk
• 2 Tbsp cream or milk
  
• Pinch of salt (optional)
• Cinnamon to taste
• 1 Tbsp butter/margarine
• 1/2 apple of your liking, diced
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• 1Tbsp Brown sugar

Mix the first 5 ingredients together. Stir. Heat in microwave for 1min 3osec.
Heat a small fry or saute pan on medium heat. Add butter to pan. Let it melt completely and bubble a little. Add the apple, cinnamon, and brown sugar. Stir for 3minutes until apples are coated and the brown sugar has distributed its sweet load all over the fruit pieces.
Add apple incredibleness to the oatmeal. Email me your smiling face.

Butterscotch Oatmeal

• 1 cup oatmeal
• 1 package Butterscotch Oatmeal
• 2 cups milk

Combine, stir, microwave for 2 minutes. Let chill. It's weirdly delicious.

***Not responsible for any damage to colon, toilet, reputation, underpants, or kitchen.***

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My Blog About My Dad

Letters To Losers

Open Letter to Inattentive Lady At QFC:

I don’t care how long you stood behind me, not seeing that I was reading a magazine near, but not IN a check-out line.
I don’t care that you didn’t see that the check-out line I stood near, but not IN, wasn’t even operating, as nobody was in front of me, and the checker wasn’t there, and the light wasn’t on to show that it was in operation.
I don't care that you didn't see any sort of goods near me that would indicate a purchase was nearing in our time-space continuum.

The answer to your question “Well why (was I) standing there for?” is this:
Because you’re a dumb crap-piece who needs her world challenged in more ways than standing behind a man reading Seattle Metropolitan magazine for a minute before your head cork-pops from your butt’s hole to realize, OH HEY, that guy’s not even in line.

I honestly hope that your world is an emotionally teetering card-house on top of a frayed-cord space-heater near a puddle of the tears you cry at night in between couch-smoked cigarettes and tumblers of Chardonnay, weeping “Come back, Doug, come back” into an macramé pillow case. If I wanna read, I’ll read in your F’ing kitchen, Hag-ass. Sorry that you can’t pay Attention with AMEX. Next time, wear more perfume and make my other eye blind, we won’t have this problem. Eat a crap taco.

Open Letter to DoucheBagge Personifcato At The Alderwood Mall FoodCourt on Saturday, 2/16/08, between 2:30 & 4pm:

It’s not gonna happen, man.
I know you think the baggie Dickies jeans, backwards cap, black thermal shirt, flat-link silver-colored chain necklace, and Swisher Sweet tucked under your cap is an ensemble of ass-attraction. But there’s What You Think. And There’s Reality. Nice giant headphones plugged into a CD player, BTW. El nardo.

To watch you walk around with your elbows slightly flared, as though you were puffing up to make yourself appear bigger to other socially retarded monkeys (your friends), I was reminded of why some animals eat their young, or at the very least, stop feeding them. I know judging you without knowing you is wrong, but Bang-bang-bang-GUILTY on all counts of acting like the ring leader of a gang I dubbed “The Alderwood Skids.”

I watched as you all kept your slack-jawed gazes fixed upon the door, perhaps for a group of girls within your perceived ability to score with them. Yet for 90 minutes, it didn’t happen. That bus from the home for girls with sub-70 IQs never showed, did it?

And what was the dance move you were attempting? The left hand, flattened, palm-down at waist-level, while you undulated your hips to music only you could misinterpret and lose the beat to? You certainly had the attention of a number of girls. They all said “aaaaw!’ while hoping your seizure stopped long enough to laugh at you.

I’m going to see you again, I know I will. And when I do, I hope your posse is with you. The guy with the gigantic eyebrows. His brother with the mongobrow. Your friend who had a checkerboard shaved/dyed into his head. Your best buddy who you looked like you were about to kiss a couple of times, were it not for all those prying eyes. The kid with no headphones who kept shaking his head like we was listening to a song that focused on the ratio of “Money:Bitches” or perhaps “Bitches:Problems.” When I see you again, I will videotape you and post it on the internet to show everyone why NOW is the time to genetically modify food so that people under a certain IQ cannot breed. Smell my hate-fart.


Open Letter to the "Aren't I Funny!?!?"but You're Not Funny You Just Can't Shut Up Pipe-Blockage

Shouting your way in to every conversation going on around you is a great way to get your voice heard. And registered on the "Do Not Talk Around This Person" list. You think you're funny, because that one time at your old job your co-worker said they were going to trim their bushes over the weekend and you said "HEEEEEY! Don't GO theerrre!" and you've hung your whimsical hat upon that tag ever since.

My favorite was when somebody mentioned their friend's serious illness, and you imparted how your sister had a similar but not-as-serious illness, and your friend should have gone to the hospital your sister went to.

What.
The.
F*ck.

Next time that happens, I'm going to let it hang for 5 seconds, and interrupt whomever starts talking to put the limelight on YOU, Rubbernecker, because you want the attention and you'll get to pony-up the info you so greatly want to share. And when it's over, waaaaaaaaaay past the time you should have shut up, I'll just say "Oh, is that all? You made it sound so big, it's really not, is it?"

And then I, not YOU, will look awesome! Nice wolf shirt.
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Seriously folks, I'm truly in a GREAT mood!


Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad