Bookin'

Los Angeles is still the hub of entertainmental living. You can't not do something once you leave the 1-Bedroom you pay too much to sleep and shower in thrice a week. After last night's foray to 3Clubs for the Montreal showcase (went First, great set, Seattle hang-out), I spent today back in Culver City working on The Book and talking with a few people who I respect greatly, and not just for their fantastic hairlines.

So as I ponder re-writing The Book to encompass a few other lessons about corporate management and survival, I came across the "Self Hurt" series at a kitsch store in Westwood. Their titles include "How To Get Fat," "How to Procrastinate," and a great tome titled "How To Traumatize Your Children." (I'm thinking "clown posters," but I'm old-fashioned). So that may be the way to go. From there I had to get to a show that did not go well... let me explain...

I was "supposed to" go up at this show, but didn't. The guy "running the room" was basically bumping me, allowing his friends to go long while he waited for people he already knew to show up. In other words, he was working on the idea that what MAY happen was better than what WOULD happen for sure. I think this is what THE SECRET was based upon. I have very little Ego. But I do have Pride. And a career of making people laugh of which I am rather proud. So, meh, I shrugged and left. I'm not waiting until 11:45. There's a difference between Passion and The Need for Validation. My bit about Assisted Suicide will have to wait, though it would have been very fitting in that situation.

It reminded me of every reason that LA is a terrible environment, at times, to do comedy in. At least at that show, which I have only ever seen go well ONCE. Another reason to love and appreciate the Seattle comedy scene.

I'm out. Good night.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

On The Language of Parenting

An outbound trip's preparation, as the parent of an infant, is very close to a conversation between two people in the throes of hallucinogenic bliss.

Examples? I have a...

"We can't leave yet, I can't find Blue Bear."

"It should be in the bucket, where's the baby?"

"In the bucket, Blue Bear is nowhere. I have Flat

Dog and Power Rattle."

"What about SqueakyMoose?"

"He's on the hook, he never leaves."

"Well get RedStar Munch and we'll just skip Blue

Bear."

"Blue Bear always goes."

"He won't know, he'll be asleep in the bucket before we get to the donut."

"If he freaks you gotta get him RedStar or FlatDog, he can't go Avatar like last time."

"Duh. Go warm up the Swagger, and take the bucket. We gotta get to MeMe's."

Such is my blessed, shiny life.

=======================

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

Kick His Ass

I am all-for fighting one's own battles, but not for picking fights.

I am all-for defending one's self, but not burning bridges.

But this guy is to Wuss what Courtney Love is to Irreparably Screwed:

From the Kirkland Reporter's Police Blotter

Harassment: 2:44 p.m., Bridlewood Circle. A Kirkland man called police to report that a person he knew in college was harassing him. An officer advised the man on how to block text messages and facebook access. The man said he did not feel threatened or fearful.

Hey folks, the police are NOT... NOT... your big brother, your parents, nor your bodyguard. Challenge the Harrasser to a fight, tell your friends, then gang-tickle that crap-pile and YouToob it, but don't waste my taxes on this shit. It reads better in pastel colors. If he wasn't threatened or fearful, then you're just telling the police something random, like what you bought at Frank's House Of Wank. Stop this. Now.

I will kick you in your ass.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

On Being Offended Easily

Hey folks, somebody may have been offended at some of the language I use in these blogs, on stage, and in line at Swapper John's. First off, remember that I label myself in this writing as a Comedian-Writer-Raconteur. I don't delve into Hallmark'ian, milquetoast Life-philosophies to pander to people looking for inspiration from Oprah and/or Dr. Phil. Sometimes my language, in text and tongue, can slide toward the "inappropriate for the funeral" end of the spectrum.

So here's the deal.

Some people are easily offended. They are looking to be offended. They are finding things in the world to be offended by, and if they aren't offended, they'll surely let everybody else know why THEY should be offended by it. By proxy, they'll also attempt to inculcate the morality of being offended, in case you think you're too good, too mature, or not the target of the arrow of offense.

If somebody stands in the middle of the street and screams for the beheadings of all DIPSHITS, FARTLOADS, and F*CKTARDS... well I'm going to think she's not talking to me because I don't see myself as any of those. At least not on a regular basis. In fact, I'd likely ask her if she needs help or to sit for a second and get some electrolytes balanced out. But I am surely NOT going to rush to this blog and tell people that the aforementioned unsavories should all rise in revolt against this woman who is clearly hoping we pass a national health care bill instead of sanctioning the incredibly heavy-handed Insurance Cabals.

So when it comes to being offended, rarely is it my intent to offend anybody. And if any of my defense mechanisms were to spring up and I say or do something that offends a person who I discern as a threat, then they SHOULD be offended. I draw a rather tight perimeter as to what I will offended or threatened by, so if I feel threatened, yes, you have gotten closer to me than most folks would have allowed without a low-inside leg kick.

So if ever I express myself and you deem it offensive, please understand that Offense was not my intent. I was merely expressing myself on a topic I felt strongly about. Because if I don't stand up for the F*CKTARDS and those who aren't easily offended, well... they'll have to get their own blogs.

==================

Take Me Home

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Tiger Buy The Tale

Eldrick "Tiger" Woods today did a fantastic job today of reading a prepared statement that included words one would use when apologizing for throwing his famous, multi-ethnic, Stanford-educated, highly-endorsed penois into a number of women. Some of these women, including porn actress Joselyn "Manhole" James, and Jamie Jungers, whose claim to fame is being the least-attractive woman on the planet to know what Tiger's wood looks like when teeing off, were jammed in front of cameras for their reaction in the event the rest of the world's problems had all been solved. Riveting words always spill from the mouths of women named Jamie.

I single those two out in particular because they had quite a reaction in the wake of Tiger's televised speech that was not at all a heartfelt, in-the-moment apology. They said they were "hurt" by not being included in Tiger's apology. The cited that he was apologizing to children and the public and some media figures and his product sponsors and his family, but NOT to the women involved in this scandal.

(The Associated Press)

Whores, please pay attention. Man-whores, too...

1) Tiger Woods had sex with up-to but not stopping-at 19 women (at last rumored count) who were NOT his wife. He is guilty of being a bad husband. Other than that, you can label him a cad, a fornicator, a scamp, a crazed f*ck diesel, and/or a nerd, but his actions only truly affect His Family in a long-term kind of way.

2) Unless they had absolutely zero access to any type of media for the past decade, every woman who was NOT the wife of Tiger Woods and yet had sex with him anyway... HAD SEX WITH A MAN THEY KNEW WAS MARRIED. Putting the blame entirely on him, as if to say he was the only person at fault in the co-mingling of any number of boozy lubes and WD-40 (not an endorsement) is erroneous and as irresponsible as having sex with a married man who is having sex outside of marriage. Or outside.

1+2 = 3 ways to say this...

1) Tiger Woods owes anybody he's not related to or had no time invested in a relationship or friendship with NOTHING. It's a Good thing to apologize to the young people who looked up to him, and perhaps he'll be able to address this in an organic way in the future. But yeah, I don't care what Tiger Woods does once he leaves the course. As long as he isn't driving drunk or kid-touching or rooting for Washington State University.
2) Tiger Woods owes the women he had sex with NOTHING. Not one cent. Not one apology. Maybe a call to say he can't hang out in Lauderdale this weekend, but otherwise, NOTHING.
3) Tiger Woods is sorry this went public.

I feel bad for his kids who may get teased at school about this.
I feel bad for his wife and the judgment a gutter-heart public may lay upon her household.
I feel bad for his mother, who apparently missed a few moments of "respect" lessons.
I feel bad for Tiger Woods that all his fellow pro golfers threw him under the bus when I'm sure a ton of them "putt from the rough" on the regular.

Lord knows I've been a turd in my life, skidding through a few relationships without a clean break to flush-off at. And I'm lacking when it comes to being the sweetest, kindest, gentlest, most-communicative husband in the world. But when it comes down to it, while I don't condone nor comply with what Tiger did, nor why he did it (compulsion, addiction, adrenaline), I can't see why anybody else would really care about this.

He had affairs outside of marriage. It's going to cost him millions of dollars. He'll have millions more to rest upon. He will play golf professionally and continue to win millions of doll-hairs. And he has a hell of a way to go to patch things up with his wife and kids and family.

Imagine how much better he'll be when he's not skank-banging every weekend. Rested, focused, sober...
Way to go, media. PGA, he's gonna F you so hard.
===============

#700 - Of Music & Inspirations Addicting

I get on kicks, jags for music that people shout at me to check out. People I trust. 5 years after Killorn! turned me on to Muse, I'm finally entrenched in their "Absolution" CD. It's been on repeat in my car for 3 weeks, until being elbowed-aside recently by The Reigning Monarchs. I'm not even much of Surfabilly poseur, but shooooot if I don't dig TRM.

On this, my #700th blogiversary, I wanted to share 2 other items of musical empowerment that are just all over my fancakes right now. I have found much more inspiration for my writing and performing in tones and tunes than in voice and speech. Something about the pacing of these 2 songs - and by all means PLEASE SHARE YOUR FAVE TUNES IN THE COMMENTS! as I am ever looking for a louder trumpet - gives me want to jump up and down with a passion normally reserved for a 6'9" athlete slam-dunking. NO, not a big triumph, but it looks cool and after all, we must be sure to Represent.

So here are 2 videos, about 15min of entertainment for you. Come back to them if you like.

If you are a guitar player, you'll dig the first one to the Gth degree. John Butler's solo version of his instrumental "Ocean," live. Saw it for the 1st time 2 days ago. Incredible groove.

John Butler Trio - "Ocean"

Want Funk, pianos, smoove vocals, and short hits? GET IT HERE with "Audience."

Cold War Kids "Audience"

>I'm out. ENJOY.

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

On Getting Older

While I've been rising before 6:30 every morning since last Friday, OOOOH!, I have been getting to sleep later than I ought to. Not tonight, friend. I'll be off to bed by 9:30pm because my son has exactly NO SENSE of time, nor that he should sleep more than 107minutes at a stretch.

And before my carriage takes to slumber 'pon sheets of Voltron so brave, I will have excitedly brushed with a BRAND NEW TOOTH'S BRUSH! I can't tell you how excited I am about it, because I'm not that big of a nerd.

Colgate 360 Deep Clean!

But you can tell, huh? Excitement? Nerd? Tongue Brush? Yes, Yes, and You Bet Your Clean, Gluten-Free Ass.

OF COURSE a review will follow! Stay riveted...

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

Oatmeal Recipes I Created

For me, there is nothing better for breakfast than a hot bowl of oatmeal and an Irish Coffee. But I usually skip the Irish Coffee and just do what I can with the oat's bowl. And after years of eating it almost daily I had to really get beyond the packets and buckets of boredom. Oatmeal is so versatile as a food, it's great to play a bit with it and see where it takes you and which of your crevices you find it in. It's got fiber, protein, healthy fats, and helps burn your cholesterol count down. So enjoy it if you are doin' carbs, because it'll keep you full and happy for a few hours before your boss even knows you smell of wine.

Here are some recipes I have come up with over the years to keep me interested in this breakfast of champ'ons.

* I usually use quick-cooking oats, though you can use oat bran, oat groats, rolled oats, or any of the grain cereals. If you do, write a blog about it and let me know.

Anti-Ox Powerhouse (a.k.a. The Cookie In A Bowl)

• 1/2 cup Oatmeal
• 3/4 cup green tea
• 2 Tbsp Almond, Soy, Rice Milk
• Pinch of salt (optional)
• Cinnamon to taste
  
• 1/4 cup dried blueberries or cranberries
• 2 Tbsp dark chocolate chips (60%)
• 2 Tsp flax seeds (optional) OR
• 1 Tbsp almond butter or peanut butter

Mix the first 2 ingredients and microwave about 1min-20sec. Don't let it go too long.
Throw in the berries, stir.
Top with the ChocoChips and Seeds or Nut's Butter.

Protein Pumper

• 1/2 cup Oatmeal
• 1 cup filtered water, or Soy/Almond/Rice milk, or cow's milk
  
• 1 beaten egg or 1/4 cup egg substitute
  
• Pinch of salt (optional)
• Cinnamon to taste
  
• 1-2 scoops of protein powder (Whey, Soy, Antelope, etc.)

Mix together all ingredients until liquid is floating a bit above the oatmeal. Add more liquid if you need to get there.
Microwave for 45 seconds, stir. Microwave for 1 minute.

Apple Pie Oatmeal

• 1/2 cup Oatmeal
• 3/4 cup Almond, Soy, Rice Milk
• 2 Tbsp cream or milk
  
• Pinch of salt (optional)
• Cinnamon to taste
• 1 Tbsp butter/margarine
• 1/2 apple of your liking, diced
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• 1Tbsp Brown sugar

Mix the first 5 ingredients together. Stir. Heat in microwave for 1min 3osec.
Heat a small fry or saute pan on medium heat. Add butter to pan. Let it melt completely and bubble a little. Add the apple, cinnamon, and brown sugar. Stir for 3minutes until apples are coated and the brown sugar has distributed its sweet load all over the fruit pieces.
Add apple incredibleness to the oatmeal. Email me your smiling face.

Butterscotch Oatmeal

• 1 cup oatmeal
• 1 package Butterscotch Oatmeal
• 2 cups milk

Combine, stir, microwave for 2 minutes. Let chill. It's weirdly delicious.

***Not responsible for any damage to colon, toilet, reputation, underpants, or kitchen.***

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

A Guide To Commenting On The Internet

The Internet is a dumping ground for many, many half-baked sketches, knock-offs, pervs, dorks, shitbags, dirtwads, buttwads, buttclods, fartknockers, seat-sniffers, and These Guys.
Does anybody know where this look launched from? It's the OiledCanvas, outback, Aussie Duster jacket and the hat combo, which has been made popular by both Dorks AAAAND Fatties for a few years now. I understand there's a certain "Drifting Highwayman With No Home To Return To" vibe, but usually this guy's outside of a mall eating a corndog and reading a book with a dragon on the cover.
IF YOU KNOW, PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT MOVIE OR BOOK THIS LOOK CAME FROM.

Okay, see, right there I throw hate-sauce on a look I will never adopt from people I don't hang out with, who don't read this blog. So why do it?

Because it's what the best-smartest and great people do on the internet. See, when you get laid a lot, and have a lots of money its impornant to make sure you are telling people their wrong when you do'nt like something of there's. So heres how you do it. (Not sex, no, I will show you that at your moms house, LOL)

First, go to a sight like YouTube or a newspaper you read on line. There's a place there for you to sign up at. Like put in a name and stuff, so chose your name carefully. Make sure it says something about you and what your in to, but not your real name. Use something intimidating or from your hometown so people know where youre representing at. Or what football team you like because baseball is stupid.

And then you sign up and go around to whatever's on the websight. Like videos of comics, tell them their not funny. Don't say why it's not funny, neither. Leaving an explanation is'nt what your doing. See its like this that you are there to tell people to shut the hell up and stop clogging the internet with their crap. If they want help they can go to their moms when I'm not on top of her LMFAO. Who cares if your called an ass hole by some faygit?

What ever you do, though do'nt like make your own stuff and put it out. See your self as artist and not some faygit dorkass hole who puts all his own stuff out. People hate that shit, and the people you work with would be ideats all day at work and yo'ud never get any pizza made. So tell people 'YEAY YOU SUCK' and let 'em suck it when your moms not sucking it.



[dedicated to every negative comment-leaving person who actually takes time from their life to anonymously post a dead-end comment. If they ever ponder suicide, I hope to be there when their grandmother walks into the basement to find them hanging from a belt with a porn looping on their laptop screen over a game of World Of Warcraft. F*ck empathy, the world's too small, but I guess somebody has to abuse animals.]

Consumer's Report: Huggies, Discover Card

Hil
So, the Baby Guy has been pooping at what seems to be a world-class rate lately. Good, he should be, keep those pipes cleaned out. We bought a huge box of diapers at Costco, switching brands from Pampers to Huggies, as Costco doesn't carry Pampers.

Huggies diapers, at least for our Junior Senator, seems to have an issue with "Back Fire" and "Side Peep." He's had more up-the-back sharts and nap-created side-peepage than ever in Pampers. So we'll make sure we secure them properly and if it doesn't change, I'll make sure Huggies gets a letter. And I'll post that here.

Also, Discover card is adamant about calling a few times a week to make sure I am all protected against ID theft and taking full advantage of their protection features and wants to protect me from not having protection. Good. Because I feel like they're gonna screw me.

Why call somebody at home with a rambling, super-fast-paced spiel about how I need to be sure I'm taking advantage of their tools to track fraudulent use of my account when...
IF I SAY NO, THE KID COULD USE MY ACCOUNT TO ORDER HIS REALDOLL...

but I wouldn't know about it because, AH DARN... I didn't take advantage of their plan?

I Have To Be Honest-er. More Honest. For Real.

I admit to rarely watching any other comedians that are Big Names, in hopes that I don't become too influenced by their style, tone, or themes. After watching Marc Maron last night, I found myself wandering the halls of my mind looking for doors I have yet to open, for whatever reasons.

"If you're talented and you're not successful, there may be something inside you
that is keeping you from being successful, and sadly, it might be your talent."

A facet of provocative, memorable creativity is to be freed by it, both in expressing it and taking it in. The same can be said of kissing. And a number of other things that you'll have to go to a different website to peruse... Ew.

Marc Maron's willingness to express parts of his life is more than comedic; it's cathartic, cauterizing, and non-caloric. It certainly was inspiring to hear what he talks about, from his (dis)abilities with relationships, his pet choice being cats, and Consciousness On All Levels being the number one enemy to Happiness. And he calls himself out as his own worst enemy on a moment-to-moment basis. That's the beauty. Nobody's innocent, especially the one meting out the punishment.

I guess it's a reminder that I have plenty to draw from in my life for comedy, but to make it Funny for a stage could take time. Perhaps it's not stage-ready and could be a blog or five. Feeling one way or another is what sparks the M-80 before I cram it into a slingshot. If I don't care, I don't share. The same can be said of kissing. So my comedy is not totally unlike kissing, I guess. It comes from a place of emotion, sharing, passion, and uncontrolled intake of codeine cough syrup.

Why challenge my own status quo? Why work harder at anything? This whole idea of a goal being set and achieved is something I haven't done in a while. And that shit's gotta stop.

Or else I'll just open a cupcake boutique. Those are pretty popular.

You're Fat and Want To Get Skinny And Have Sex

I've got insider fat loss information for you today!  I have done this
program and it's only for people who HATE long cardio sessions.

Fat loss expert Craig Ballantyne researched his transformation
winners and have summarized their exact blueprint workout programs
for fat loss that they used to lose 10, 20, and even 34 pounds in
just 12 weeks.

Let's start with Catherine, one of the most famous TT transformation
superstars, here are the 3 programs she used over the 12 weeks:

1) Turbulence Training for Abs
2) TT Buff Dudes-Hot Chicks
3) TT for Amazing Lower Abs

NOTE: The most popular program used by contest winners was the TT
for Buff Dudes & Hot Chicks.

And that program was the basis for the new "TT Transformation"
workout that was made available yesterday to all TT Members - and
you'll get this new "TT Transformation" workout when you take the
21-day Turbulence Training trial offer today:

=> ARE YOU READY TO GET FIT, THIN, AND "ACTION"?

Next up, let's look at what Guttorm - the Norwegian contest winner -
used to kick-start his life change. You'll notice that he actually
followed the Turbulence Training for Fat Loss manual "by the book",
in the exact order the programs are listed.

1) Beginner Turbulence Training
2) Intermediate Turbulence Training
3) Original Turbulence Training

There's something to be said for simplicity. Sticking to the basics
works.

In fact, that's what Jonny Munro did to win contest #3. He used the
same order of TT workouts:

1) Beginner
2) Intermediate
3) Original

Now if you want a little more muscle, here's a cool "Meathead
Transformation" system to follow, PROVEN by Mike Gaglione:

1) Reformed Meathead Fat Loss
2) TT Hard-Core
3) TT for Buff Dudes & Hot Chicks (again!)

Now let's take a look at the two folks who lost over 30 pounds in
Transformation #3.

First, you shouldn't be surprised by the three workout series used
by Robyn - our reigning champ with 34 pounds lost! She used:

1) TT Beginner Level Workout - about 3 weeks
2) TT Intermediate Level Workout - almost 5 weeks
3) TT Buff Dudes, Hot Chicks Workout - about 4 weeks

How cool is that?!

Alright, so knowing what we know now...what "progression" should
beginners and advanced folks use?

Its simple...here we go.

For beginners, do what Robyn did but with a slight TWIST:

1) TT Beginner Total Torso Training (January 2010 workout)
2) Intermediate Turbulence Training
3) TT for Buff Dudes & Hot Chicks

Spend 4 weeks in each program. You should lose over 20 pounds and
you'll look totally freaking AMAZING in 12 weeks from now.

For ADVANCED folks, here is the absolute best 3-program progression
that is your blueprint for radically transforming your body:

1) TT Hard-Core (June 2006 workout)
2) TT for Buff Dudes & Hot Chicks (February 2009)
3) TT Transformation (January 2010)

Remember:
The NEW "TT Transformation" workout is based on TT for Buff Dudes
and Hot Chicks, which is clearly the MOST POPULAR program among our
contest winners.

So you know that TT Transformation is going to be an amazing workout.

You'll get this new "TT Transformation" workout when you take the
21-day Turbulence Training trial offer today:

=> DO THIS NOW AND IN 60 DAYS YOU'LL BE HAPPIER AND SEXIER

Now that you have a complete blueprint for fat loss success, its
just a matter of time before you are lean and fit - and maybe even
the winner of the TT transformation contest!

Your friend,

Geoff Lott

Workin' Out

It's been well over a year since I last swung a picture badge past a security box to enter a building. During an interview last year in California, a young recruiter was confounded that I had not been employed for over 5 months. Her exact question was...

"I notice, like... quite a gap in your employment here. What happened with that?"

I won't read into what EXACTLY she was getting at, because I'm likely too smart to be able to. Her tone wasn't one of earnest discovery as much as accusatory anticipation. BUT, I think what she meant was "Why aren't you working when it appears that you (me) had a great job with AT&T?"

There are a few ways to answer this, but only 2 true ones. If you want to know them, you have to either be interviewing me or a dear friend. The casual conversation may only be bogged down while you wait on that $1 worth of a $5 sandwich comin' through the broiler. So, the WHY and WHAT of my employment gap is for me to know and for you to offer me the chance to show you why I'm a great hire to find out. For the record, I was not fired from my position with AT&T. I haven't been fired from a job since college, and it was completely the right thing to do, because nobody's going to believe you when the other guy in the clown suit has a bloody nose and won't stop crying.

Let's not forget that a LOT of very smart, capable, and considerably less-handsome people have been out of work for quite some time due to A MASSIVE ECONOMIC DUMP taken under the guise of "bad lending practices." Lest we forget, there are plug-ins and WiFi capabilities in any number of COFFEE SHOPS within a few miles of your home, 12-step meeting, dog's groomer, and office. How did we ever lose productivity? That's a question to post on your FaceBook profile, I s'pose.

And what transpired between the day I left until now, where the "gap" could have been filled in with money and $ecurity and routine the ribaldry of "Employee Recognition Day: You Work Here, Right? Have A Muffin!" , well... like, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

But seriously, somebody's about to hire a freakishly capable Business Analyst. Like... yeah.

Craigslist Post Of A Loser's Financial Decisions

This reads like somebody got a hold of some credit cards before the ability to understand "Priority" over "Appearances." The stuff's too current to have been a death, unless the Russian Mafia made a call to the apartment.

HOLARIOUSLY ridiculous:

Estate sale All must go now! (east everett)

65 inch big screen with remote 2004 edition like new (NO WAY IS THIS LCD, ENJOY THE TUBE)
2009 blue pocket rocket mini bike (NECESSARY FOR CLOWN COLLEGE)
NBA hardwood heroes 2005 medallion collection unopened mint (OH GOOD, WE FOUND THE GUY WHO BOUGHT ONE)
2 small IKEA adjustable stools (SKIMPED ON THE STOOLS?)
a easton rampage baseball bat aluminum (USED ONLY TO HIT PINECONES AND M-80'S)
nice sunbeam heater (FOR WHEN THEY SHUT THE GAS OFF)
Gold seiko chronometer watch like new (HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT A CHRONOMETER IS)
a very nice prada handbag like new (SWAP-MEET, ANYBODY?)
air assault rifle with matching air pistol (TO USE FOR CLOWN MOTORCYCLE RIDE-BY STAININGS)
24 car opened hot wheel collection (EITHER A SAD MAN, OR A VERY SAD BOY)
3 differant sets of curtains (EMILE DIFFERANT DESIGNS CURTAINS?)
gameboy sp advance with case and 13 games (I'M THINKING THERE'S NOT A LOT OF SEX HERE)
magellon 40/40 maestro navigation system new and in box (STOLEN FROM WORK)
black leather sofa and love seat (OKAY, THIS VIBE IS OFFICIAL)
576 opened but nice hott wheels (250 cash for all or 1 each) (A COLLEC-TOR!)
JVC home stereo system in rack with digital receiver ,200 disc player,deck,18 speakers including 4 15 inch wooffers with remotes (HEY GUYS, COME OVER AND LOOK AT MY HOTT WHEELSS WHILE WE LISTEN TO SOME GENESIS)
versace 1 0f a kind 24kt gold sunglasses (I SMELL EASTERN BLOC)
matching red chairs from dania (AND DRAKKAR)
a red desk chair (AND CHLOROFORM)
a white computer desk (AND COCAINE)
cafe table with matching barstools (AND AMARETTO)
tons of sports memorabillia, autos,figurines,game worn ,franklin mint ,cartwright collectables etc... (BUT NOTHING FEMALE)
lots of DVDs and CDs (MOSTLY PORN AND PORN SOUNDTRACKS)
lots of valuable books (NOTHING ON FINANCIAL PLANNING)
a color tv with built in dvd player and remote (FOR THE MAN-CAVE COVERED IN HOTT WHILLSS TO WATCH PR0N ON)
black leather recliner (FOR WATCHING PORN IN)
ipod nano cases (iPOD NANO NOT INCLUDED, STOLEN FROM WORK)
JL Audio 500w amp 2 JL Audio Subwoofers in a custom car toys box new with receipts for 1,900. will take best cash offer (TRADED FOR COCAINE)
raingear (FOR OUTDOOR SLEEPING... ON SECOND THOUGHT...)(
a brand new mens leather jacket (OH YEAH, THIS GUY'S SEEN SOME HOMEMADE VODKA HALLUCINATIONS)
franklin mint gold plates shaquell oneal and michael Jordan (SHITTINGS ME YOU MUST)
wood tv cart (TO WHEEL AROUND THE PR0N TV)
Nokia cell phone and charger (FOUND)
a nice boys scooter blue
golf clubs set
6 foot ladder
electric leaf blower (TRADED FOR SOME VITAMIN-K)
Piece of a Barry Bonds home run ball framed (PIECE? GOOD ENOUGH, WHERE DO I PAY?)
a car vac that plugs into you lighter new in box (TO FIND THE COKE IN THE BIMMER)
a auto detailing kit (NEVER GOT THIS BUSINESS OFF THE GROUND)
a vintage celtic jewelry box (YOU KNOW THESE ARE HARD TO FIND THESE DAYS)
much much more
===========
I am sorry I missed this sale before the "accidental fire."

Eatin' Out - BrownBag Café - Not a Frittata

Kirkland's famous - and famously packed - BrownBag Cafe is a hub of breakfast dining. Breakfast is served while it's open, which is for the daylight hours. They have SUPERIOR baked items, using their breads, rolls, cinnamon rolls, etc. in each of their dishes that call for it.

But something's seriously awry with their egg maker.
Seriously.

Today we went in for some late fastbreaking. Parking lot crammed-packed like The King's death colon. But worse. The next-door Shari's must feel like a blind spot. But it likely gets overflow from those who won't wait the 20+min for BrownBag's deliciousness...

But today... oh boy... uh...
Yeah, I try and get lowest-carb that I can, when I can. Higher protein, throw in some veggies and I'm happy. Intrigued by the Tomato& Avocado Frittata, I steered from my craving for the Fruit Omelet. Don't cuss it down, the Fruit Omelet is a sweet, savory egg party I'm all-for. But I was dumb and listened to my wife about what SHE wanted to try some of, and got the Frittata, which still sounded good.

It wasn't. A Frittata looks like this:
Heat the ingredients, throw the eggs in with those, stir a little, top with cheese, broil, BOOM...

FRITTATA

I was handed a scrambled egg topped with 1/4 a sliced avocado on top of enough room-temperature 1/4-inch-diced tomatoes to start a street-fair Salsa Kiosk. There may have been some dill havarti wiped on it, also. This is a VERY simple dish to create, and apparently, get wrong with a lazy sous chef in a hopping kitchen.

Thumbs-up for the BrownBag Cafe. They have great food, 95% of the time. Not everything's gonna be a home run, fair enough.
Stay away from any Frittata. Omelets rule (Fruit, or Spinach-Bacon-Mushroom).

And, as a man, I'd like to thank whomever is hiring the serving staff.

Still no excuse for F'ing the Frittata. NADA FRITTATA, just food pile.

My wife took one bite and said "Eh, you're right, there's nothing there." Oh good. It's nice to know we can agree that I got breakfast-screwed.

Tomato-Avocado Frittata = No.

Customer Behavior & Some Muppet Trivia

Okay, one more time...
If you're in a grocery store, and you wonder if I am near you, and your nose is stuffed up...

Just walk away from your shopping cart. Leave it in the middle of an aisle for 10 seconds.

If you come back and there's a very expensive item buried in the middle of your stuff, then YES...
I'm near-by.

Twice today I hit a woman's cart at TJ's with an $8 baked brie because she was leaving her cart behind like it was her kid and she was an NBA power forward. Twice because she found the brie on the first drop and looked all over to figure out how it got there. Next time, welllllp... she may be wondering if there's a Brie Faerie at the Totem Lake Trader Joe's.

There is... and it's me.

AAAAAAAAAAnd... some Muppet Trivia!
How did Fozzie Bear learn to drive?

Finally... there are some changes coming to my on-line presence. For my readers, PLEASE keep reading. READ READ READ, we haven't enough reading readers.
For everyone else... you'll get what's coming to you, too.

Choose Funny. Explanation to follow.

Comedy Dates Update!

I want to extend a hearty, well-oiled, work-appropriate "Thank You" to each and every 9 of you who are asking when my next show is going to be. I feel bad that many of you have told me that you're going to be at a show and then I get there and I think "I must have told them the wrong place or time 14 times because you/they aren't there/here!" Sooooo...

Here is what my comedy schedule will be all about in the foreseeable future!

Jan. 21 - Thursday, 9pm, Owl N Thistle, Seattle - 808 Post Ave - Headlining in the bar I started my college drinking career in! COME SEE THE MAGIC!

Jan. 22 & 23 - Friday & Saturday, 8pm & 10pm - LAUGHS COMEDY SPOT in Kirkland, Featuring For GREG BEHRENDT (Author of "He's Just Not That Into You", and a hilarious comedian!)

Jan. 27 - Thursday, 8pm - AMANDA KNOX Appeal Benefit Show - Comedy Underground, Seattle. $50, must purchase before show time! This is a great show and I'm honored to be part of it. 5 headliners for the price of 3!

Sooo, that's what's-what for January. I'll be in South King County rockin' some stages in February.

Until then, I have a baby boy making goat sounds, which means it's bath & jams time.

Choose Funny. Always.

Face The Challenge, Feel Twitter-pated

My wife has challenged me to not logon to FaceBook for one week, unless it is career-related, in pertaining to Comedy. This isn't that different than being asked to abstain from drinking unless it is a therapeutic dose. I'm accepting the challenge!

Starting Wednesday, January 6, 2009, I will stay off of FaceBook for ONE WEEK, 7 Calendar Days. In the meantime, if you have to get a hold of me, here's how:

1. Email. You can find this easily enough at my sadly decrepit website (my fault, not Blaine's).
2. Phone. When you need me for a gig, call me. Talk to me. Text is okay, if you're a half-assed, dead-eyed, free-drinking "booker"/ex-comic with a huge blindspot to your own life who likes to book shows 4 hours before they start, 75 miles away. Not that Douglas James is reading this (no computer). Or if you want to show me your new butt tatt.
   
3. House Call. If you don't know where I live, you didn't see any of the 308 postings for the condo we have returned to in Kirkland. Come on by and see me grinding me incisors down while trying to figure out the difference between the News and Live Feeds.

The upside is that I won't have to face a single application request from anybody. I feel like people are asking me to see their band at the Elks Lodge next week. Best of luck, but I'm not allowed in Kittitas County until May, 2011.

But I'll blog, and that will update my FaceBook status.
No TWITTER, either. Not that anybody was following me...

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Daddy Issues #1 - The Conceptin'

While recently talking with an acquaintance (read: friendly, but not airport pick-up "friends") I mentioned that becoming a father at 35 afforded me a mindset of easily-focused priorities. Being in a large number of situations that demanded a type of "After School Special" reasoning, when not flipping a coin to see if I should trust my gut (always do) helped me bank experience I may have otherwise missed out on. When Graham comes to me one day to ask what he should do about a girl who seems to be really aloof, I can firmly tell him that she's carrying some issues with her dad and needs attention and to be chased, so the farther away from her he gets, the better. THEN... she'll come a-runnin'.

A lot of people who can barely manage their own lives, health, and finances are putting people on the earth every minute. A lot of folks who cannot - but want to - have children find themselves distraught over the inability to do so.

So if I'm getting pee'ed on, pooped at, thrown-upon, stared at, grumped about, or not getting validation of some sort from my 3 month-old son, I don't mind. I've worked with grown-ups who were less refined. It's still a blessing to have a healthy, happy, growing infant to care for. I'm not bringing a lot to the table just yet for him to really bond to. But we're liking our Dinosaur Flashcards, reading about Freight Trains, and listening to Classical Music while breaking down pass coverages and blitz packages to find hot routes in the empty zones. Kid can audible.

I know enough to know I don't know all I want to. But I'm not no dummy.

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2010 - The Year I Told You So

Why are we making resolutions?
A recent study by the American Institute of Studies & Results resulted in a study that showed Resolutions aren't as valuable as PRINCIPLES. My principles can't be broken. I have exhibited a certain "Principle Flexibility" from time to time, but NEVER have I gone so far as to call the police when it was something I could handle myself. Which is why I invested time and money into learning non-lethal trapping techniques.

But there are goals I do have for the year. Broken down to a smaller basis, it's more of a week-to-week thing for me. Listing them here would be silly, narcissistic, and dissipating of their energy. But when you see my new hairstyle, oh... you'll know we're on the Path, friends.

I see a change happening, however. It may be that I'm entrenched in my mid-30s with a warehouse of possibilities in front of me. But I do see more people extending small courtesies to each other. After a year in Los Angeles the opening of a door for a stranger there was met with a moment of pause as if their exit was to be met with a "LOOK AT MY SCRIPT!" Nothing seemed Free. Everybody expected somebody to want something from them. And guess what? KINDNESS IS FREE. Merging without a blinker, however, is for animal abusers.

2010 is going to be whatever you want it to be. Stop listening to reports of Economic Anemia, Stolen Organs, and Terror, Terror!, TERROR! Be the kind of Person you'd want to hang out with. Show Compassion. Let the Poo River flow under your Serenity Bridge. And stop reading "The Secret."



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My Blog About My Dad