Big News!

Things are going better every day here in the City of Angels.

The past weekend of shows at Parlor Live, in case you didn't make it out, were Awe-and-then-some. It was a riot to come back to the homegrounds and play for a new group of people, and to work with the ever-hysterical Collin Moulton. That guy's good for any type of comedy. Political, goofy, smart, weird, he's got it all. And he can choke you out.

Majorly big Thanks! to all of you who came to the shows. We're working on getting back there in a few months. And if you're in a part of the country other than Seattle, let me know you want me to come see you, and I'll dial it up for your local club!

Other news!
I'm finishing The Book soon. It's been a couple years in the making, but it's going to be a great piece to get out to the world. Based on three influential experiences of my life (2 books + 10 years in corporate america), this book is for anybody who has ever worked in an office, worked as a Consultant/Contractor, and thought to themselves... "I must have done something awful in a previous life."
The goal of the book is to get it out there on the cheap, sell a ton of copies, and to do some touring behind it, sell it like crazy to big companies, and bring levity to a world where the workplace is sometimes the cause and cure of our ills. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN HEARING MORE ABOUT THIS BOOK, EMAIL ME! I want to start building a group to push the book!

Los Angeles Comedy Festival! I have two nights at the Festival this year. Hopefully we'll bring a good number if Industry gangstas into the shows. This is my first "big" show in LA, and I'm excited to knock this thing outta the park.

And if you ain't heard yet... we're having a baby!

Stay funny, stay awesome, stay positive. It's gonna work out.

AND I NEED A JOB, so if you're a company looking to hire somebody smart, who knows how to be a team-player and will kick much ass... let me know, would ya?

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Last Night I Saw Giada

Yes.
Yes I did.
It was a great moment in my life.

Last night in Santa Monica, with my Wife! and our dear friend Kimb, we were checking out The Promenade for dining options.

Stuff happened.

Then IT happened. I saw Giada De Laurentiis. She was walking with her husband to a movie theatre. I was stunned, I was all like "Hey... hey... that's! She's! That's Giada De Laurentiis!"

I WAVED. Her husband nodded and smiled. I just looked like a big dork and WAVED at them. Nice people, from what I could tell. Bathed. Clean 'bout the hocks. Sharp dressing.

Seriously, she is gorgeous on TV. WAY more gorgeous in the setting sun of Santa Monica's shopping area. Beautiful.

Totally awesome. I saw Zach Braff a few days ago, pff, totally blew that outta the Vanilla Ice Blended blurb Zach quaffed at Coffee Bean.



Long ago

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Uggos Got Talent!

Susan "The Brow" Boyle rocketed into the first 3minutes of her fame 2 weeks back for a knock-out singing performance on "Britain's Got Talent." It stunned the judges - including Simon "The Brush" Cowell (he who made Clay Aiken gay), who we're slowly finding out may have had something to do with, oh, you know... keeping Susan in the basement until the world needed a Prejudice Makeover. Boyle heats it up, folks. Go watch! (can't embed the vid here)

Simon Cowell... a master marketeer and promotional wi-zar-do? >shrug< style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0); font-weight: bold;">like a garage," and was once mistaken for a flock of bats. Yet we are so dearly impressed and uplifted at watching a person who is not "traditionally attractive"/traffic-stoppingly off-beat-looking express themselves in a beautiful way, especially through music.

If this person had been WWOOOHWOWOWOOOWOOOOOOOOOO on a didgeridoo outside the Pottery Barn, most folks would probably light one of them on fire. But under the lights, backing tracks swelling up and we are FOR seeing somebody we wouldn't give a second look belt out some showtunes.

Let's see...

• Shunned by most based on their looks
• Awkward because of the previous statement, yet wanting to stun the world somehow (without their own centrifuge... NOW I'm in The Database for sure)
• Plenty of time to practice

And that's what we get. A monster, uncaged, in the spotlight they've thought themselves into a thousand times in their life.

Paul Potts

CREED Shreds it up!



I'm out, GOOD NIGHT, Rock Ugly!

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Customer Reviews

Never in my life have I told somebody how to do their job.
I might have mentioned to my wife that her dishwashing could pick up the pace, but that's for another blog. Save your groans.
Unless I know how to do a job somebody is in the middle of epically F'ing up (e.g. being able to see human bone, and not being in an operating room or museum) I keep my mouth shut. If they are bothering me closer to rage, I may address something, but usually, no, I just keep it zipped. We can't be correct unless, sometimes, corrected. But to find out somebody is an Insurance Agent, or a Private Botanical Engineer, Fromagiere, or perhaps they have let judgment get the best of them and are now, how you say, "driving for public transit," I don't say a word. Do your job. Clean up that skid thing. Thanks for the ride.

Not so! for some folks when they find out I am a comedian. And don't get me wrong; I will talk shop with anybody about comedy. How I do it, how I got into it, what I get from it, where I see it in the world, etc. Every now and again, it wavers greatly from the topic of comedy, and gets weirder. People usually ask me where I get material from, and then tell me they could never do it. But now and then, I get somebody who tells me what kind of material I could be using. And who is truly funny, usually somebody who we haven't heard from in 15 years.

As in, everything happening in the immediate vicinity COULD be a bit, huh? Huh?! Gallagher could have done 10 minutes on that.

This has to be the only job where people don't know how to do it, are too scared to do it, but still will tell you how to do it. It's truly an annoying thing to sit through. But when people are saying "Look at that kid's hair. See, there's a bit for you!"
or
"I was in the grocery store and they had this sale on ice cream. In December. That's probably a bit there, huh? You should use that in your act."

But, what about the funny stuff?

The next step from there is that people want to come see me perform.
Great! There are 2 types of these folks, too.
1) those that want to come see me perform,
and
2) those that want to come see me perform, and then say "I'll come heckle you sometime!"

This happened recently. And the guy did all of the above. Soooo...
Not only could he not do my job,
but he can't write,
and wants to come bother me about my material.
OR
He's trying to be funny, and has Somali hi-jacked my Comedy Cargo.

He couldn't be funny, tried, and made it even more uncomfortable.
(I'd like to take this moment to apologize to some of the women I tried to get dates with. Now I know how you felt. I'm sorry you thought you were better than me.)

I love talking about comedy, I love watching innovative performers, and I'm always working to enhance and grow my act. I guess the funniest part about this is I'm telling people to not be what they are. I hate pretentious comics who think they are rebellious because, hey, not everybody can do 7 minutes - IN A ROW - about smoking pot and oral sex and Jesus sucks and you're dumb. But if that's what you are, that's going to come out.

Maybe I'm an asshole. Can somebody help me out here?

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What The Fat?

After my dear Dad passed away, I had what some people would call "weight gain." In fact, it jumped about 12 pounds between November and New Year's. I've never put on that much weight in such a short period of time. Throw in Thanksgiving, 10 Days in Vegas (NOT a crappy Martin Lawrence movie), and the Holidays and you can see why there may have been some el-beez smacked on to the rack.

But the past 3 months now I have altered my diet about every way possible. That may be a problem. Tried the low-carb thing, lost 3lbs in one week. Then flat-lined. South Beach, 2-lb fluctuation for 2 weeks. Flat-lined. This past week I've eaten mostly veggies and lean, lean, lean protein, and worked out harder than I have in a while (jumping rope, stair sprints mixed in with my normal circuits). Today I was 2 pounds heavier than I was on Monday.

So whatever you wanna say about whatever is popular for eating programs, save it. I'm done. I honestly eat better, smarter, cleaner than 75% of the people I know. And it's just not coming off, the fatness. And therefore, no more worry over it. I'll eat and exercise and go on with life.

Enjoy the cake.

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Decession

So this no job thing sucks salty honk.
Last year I made the decision to quit my corporate career and pursue comedy, writing, and all other things Showbiz. That was September. In October, we awoke to find our fan, shit-covered and wobbly, and a large number of banks staring at us from across the room. Their hands, caked in the crap of a million bad loans and debt-swaps, smelling of greed and ground-through predatory lending practices.

And I have yet to find a steady job.
I've been without work before. Not for this long, mind you. A couple months here or there, thanks to working on-contract from time to time. Prior to these past 7 months, I was only out of work for 2 months at a stretch. Those were harrowing times, pre-wedding back in late 2006. But a good, better-paying job has always come along.

I've applied myself. A LOT. An annoyingly-lot-a-lot. A recruiter did tell me that many HR departments interview candidates with no intention of hiring soon; because, Hey, HR gotta look busy, too, right? It's the state of the economy. If you got one, hold on to it.

I know that I quit my job for a bigger reason. I did like the work I was doing. The people were, in their own ways, hilarious and helpful. I had a fantastic boss who knew how to lead AND let you just do your work. And the money was great. Like GREAT-great. Like "I'll buy dinner again, no problem"-great. And I could very well still be there. Letting my Purposes have a dim light shone on them every-other weekend. No adventure to speak of. Just even-keeled, tamely-paced prose in the history of our Life. Security, yep. THAT's what it's aaaaaaaall about. My spine and Will to Live were succumbing to the weight of the flourescent lights.

I don't have any answers for you right now, sorry. I suppose I could tell you WHEN things will all shake out but doing so would likely result in me being a liar. I would like to see people stop whining so much and try to better their position, however. Every time I hear about somebody who pulled a lever getting laid-off and they'd start crying about "future-robots taking our jobs overseas in Mexica!", I wonder what would've happened if they'd pursued THEIR dream. Lever-pulling isn't a gig you take when you near the summit.

I have no choice but to keep moving my brain and my feet. In the meantime, the least I could do is get me some sleep.

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Lee or Ray, AGAIN!

If you've been reading long enough to be reading this blog long enough, you know that I have a love of stories wherein people with the names of "Lee" or "Ray" commit crimes. There's something about these names, especially if they are the mids, that drives a higher chance of using gardening tools in the bedroom, and not in the way your grandparents did.

Well, it happened again. It happened BEFORE, but here we go.
And this time... IT'S A WOMAN!!! Way to bring it back, ladies!

==========

Woman convicted of killing ex-boyfriend in Tacoma

TACOMA — A woman who cut up her ex-boyfriend with a chain saw 31 years ago was convicted in Tacoma of murder.

By The Associated Press

TACOMA — A woman who cut up her ex-boyfriend with a chain saw 31 years ago was convicted in Tacoma of murder.

The 55-year-old Renee Ray Curtiss will be sentenced April 24 in for the 1978 killing of Joseph Tarricone at a home near Puyallup.

The News Tribune of Tacoma reports the Pierce County Superior Court jury took about three hours Wednesday to return the verdict.

Her brother, 60-year-old Nicholas Notaro, also has been convicted of murder in the case in February and will be sentenced Friday.

Curtiss testified she helped cut up the body but denied asking her brother to carry out the shooting. (good to have boundaries - GL)

They buried the body in the yard. It was dug up in 2007 by workers clearing the property for a strip mall.

=================
Wouldn't it be great if there was a Stihl chainsaw store in that stripmall?

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QB Posts Memorable Workout Showcase For Detroit Lions

The Detroit Lions were winless last season, not an easy accomplishment in a league where Gus Frerotte still has a job. In this private workout, University of Georgia QB Matthew Stafford’s intent was to show the Lions, who have the first pick in next month’s draft, if he was the type of quarterback they should consider choosing, paying millions of dollars to, and bringing into the history of the Detroit Lions. After a stellar college career, he is considered the best quarterback available in this year’s draft.

RESULTS

Height: 6ft 3in.

Weight: 257lbs

Stafford appeared to have gained 32 pounds since appearing at the Scouting Combine in February. When asked about his weight-gain, Stafford replied, “It’s mostly fat and salt, I’m a prize pig, gotta look the part. I’m trying to conserve energy for the long season ahead. Detroit’s a cold place to live, gotta prepare the body for those late runs into December.”

40-Yard Dash:

In an unusual display, it’s believed that Stafford’s backwards-running of the 40 was a first in private workout history. Posting a time of 11.53, Stafford told Lion’s scouts “I run backwards. I think that’s a key behind your line.” His only attempt at a forward-facing run was full-speed afte 12 yards, until the 20-yard mark, where Stafford instinctively slid feet first, and laid on the ground for 10 seconds, visibly winded.

Vertical Leap:

Stafford’s 4 attempts at the vertical yielded results of 23inches, 25-3/4 inches, a strained groin, and a minor display of incontinence. It was at this point that Stafford powered-down a 36-oz. milkshake and dozed off for a 28-minute nap.

Throwing:

It appears that Stafford’s mechanics have taken a hit after hiring a new throwing instructor, former Major League pitcher Hideo Nomo. Now throwing left-handed, Stafford’s accuracy, velocity, and release were off, slow, and submarine-style. While completing all passes under 10 yards between the hash-marks, his percentages dropped steeply to all out-routes over 5 yards. He threw only 20 passes, the last 2 from a folding chair while finishing an avocado-bacon burrito. His longest “throw” was 31 yards, which, after releasing, a sweaty, red-faced Stafford grabbed his left shoulder in pain, then motioning for his trainer to toss him a beer.

Stafford’s interview with team officials was marred by constant eating, calling them “Judge Bongload” and “Assclown,” and eventually, snoring. His agent’s only statement was, “Matthew Stafford’s efforts today show exactly how much he would like to be a Detroit Lion. Now, it’s up to the Lions to decide what kind of team they are.”

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Grandma Victoria, Love you!

When I met my wife, and by Rule, her Family, I knew I was blessed. This is a fun group of people. Diverse in age and demeanor, yet so Family-centric that every dust-up comes with an apology soon after, and a few drinks and/or laughs. And then a "But you know I'm right," then a quick hang-up. The Anchor of the Family was a title bestowed upon Granny Vic, or Great-Grandma Victoria, officially.

With love, sadness, and prayers, Granny Vic passed away early this morning, at home, with her husband Grandpa Stan and daughter Pam near. She had been fiercely fighting the after-effects of some health issues that befell her a few weeks ago. Her determined spirit kept her going for two weeks, even after her body would no longer allow her to take food or water. I imagine she's got some questions for the loved ones now surrounding her in the Great White Forever.

My favorite memories of Granny Vic are when she told me that she, too, could tell funny stories, and when she was convinced I had broken her TV. First, she told my wife and I of the time she had a root in the garden she was trying to yank out, but it wouldn't budge. So she pulled, and pulled, and chopped at it, and pulled, and chopped some more, then pulled (and this is where she starts laughing too hard to finish) really hard... (more laughing)... and fell right back on her keister. Imagine a tiny white-haired woman waving her hands and trying to say "Keister."

The TV Incident happened like this. Vic & Stan bought a new TV but there was a mix-up of the wires in the back, and the picture was all screwy when they tried to get the DVD player to work. So I did the right thing after a couple of beers and got behind the TV. Just as I re-wired the DVD player and cable hook-up, the TV BLIPPED for a second... and oddly enough, the cable went out. It was rainy and windy, and FSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS nothin'.

Granny Vic, her back to the living room while she was in the kitchen, wanted to know if I'd fixed it. We said "Yes" but that the cable was out. So she told me to hook the cable up. I said it was hooked up, but the cable was out. She wanted to know why I didn't hook it back up if it's not working. I said I thought it was working, but the cable was probably out so even it it was hooked up (I have to scream this, she's a bit hard of hearing) IT WOULDN'T BE WORKING. She told me to go check it a-gain. So after 5 minutes of haranguing and a couple of calls to neighbors, confirming that the cable was indeed out, she apologized to me.
"Sorry, Geoff." I told her "No good, Victoria! This won't cut it!"
She laughed it off, and I said "I ain't kiddin', I know home electronics, Granny!" We settled it over some pie.

My love and thoughts go out to all the Family, Stan, Pam, Stacy, Carol, Mitzi, Don, Casey, Larry, Lettie, and anybody else I may have missed. You guys have made it fun to be an In-Law, and Granny Vic will always be a part of some great memories for me.

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New Open Mic In Culver City

If somebody wants to express themselves, publicly, loudly, amplifi-edly... great.

And thus, with all compassion and encouragement due a child of God...

What the bag o' farts is going on here?

I'll tell you what's going on here...
This is the parking lot of a business across the street.
They've been holding some sort of A) Fund raiser, or B) Contest For World's Worst SwapMeet all day.
About an hour ago, this lady started setting up shop. In a totally-velvet cape and hat combo.
She's got a laptop pumpin' tunes into the PA, while she sings.
The black t-shirt guy works at the 'cross the street biz. The other 2 folks are haggling deals to purchase items found and fumigation-needed.

I.
Loves.
It.

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Bad Reception - Cell Phone Attack!

I despise 2 things in this world, and the 2nd one is people who yammer away loudly on their mobile phones in public places as if they are in a place that 1) Anybody gives a plop 'bout they talkin's, and/or 2) is acceptable to do so. I do it, time to time, to make sure I don't bring home "catsup" instead of "ketchup," because life would go into upheaval. But I try to stay outside with the smokers and other banished persons before nailing down the convo. This story has a totally different path than most of mine, and I'm linking it for 2 reasons.
1) I deplore loud talkers, we already know this. I do think they need to be publicly shamed and have some sort of penalty levied against them, because laws are take over where common sense stops being used.

2) READ THE COMMENTS of the article. I think they say a lot about the citizenry concerned about their community, as well as their feelings about other cultures. There's such a thing as bigotry and hate. But, what if your ill feelings about a group of people come solely from your interactions with them and their behavior? What Is, Is.
====================================
CELLPHONE SCOLDER SUFFERS A YAK ATTACK
It started with a simple request: Stop talking so loud (sic) on your cellphone.

But what happened next in a Borough Park bodega nearly put the woman who made the request in the hospital - with bruises to her body, coffee burns to her face and stiletto-heel injuries to her legs, police said yesterday

The victim, whose name is being withheld, was standing in line Wednesday morning at the store on Ditmas Avenue near McDonald Avenue, paying for her purchases, when Berta Rakhamimov, 21, started blabbing away on her cellphone.

The victim asked Rakhamimov to lower her voice, then walked outside. But Rakhamimov came after her, spurring a yapper-versus-scolder battle of epic proportions, police said.

First, the yapper pushed the scolder with two hands to the chest. Then the yapper threw her newly purchased coffee into the scolder's face, police said.

The yapper allegedly started boxing the scalded scolder, biting her on the finger and kicking her thigh with her high heels.

When the shaken woman said she would notify the police - and pulled out her own cellphone to make the call - Rakhamimov ran toward a bus that had just pulled into the nearby stop, police said.

The victim shouted to the bus driver not to let Rakhamimov on the bus, and Rakhamimov then fled down the stairs to a nearby subway station. The victim gave chase.

When police arrived, the victim pointed out Rakhamimov, and the cops told the conductor to hold the train.

Rakhamimov was arrested on charges of assault, menacing and criminal possession of a weapon the coffee, not the cellphone.

========

Whether you want to say it's immigration, immigrants, corruption, asshole-ishness, crime, or just plain stupidity, we all have to agree on one thing...

We are all to blame for people talking loudly in public on their cell phones.

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I Seek, And Therefore, I Find

From C.S. Lewis in his book "Letters To Malcolm, Chiefly On Prayer:"
(Lewis was a close friend of J. R. R. Tolkien, the author of The Lord of the Rings. Both authors were leading figures in the English faculty at Oxford University and in the informal Oxford literary group known as the "Inklings". )

"It seems to me that we often, almost sulkily, reject the good that God offers us because, at that moment, we expected some other good... On Every level of our life - in our religious experience, in our gastronomic, erotic, aesthetic, and social experience - we are always harking back to some occasion which seemed to us to reach perfection, setting THAT up as the norm... But these other occasions, I now suspect, are often full of their own new blessing, if only we weould lay ourselves open to it. God shows us a new facet of the glory, and we refuse to look at it becaus we're still looking for the old one. And of course we don't get that. You can't, at the twentieth reading, get again the experience of reading Lycides for the first time. But what you do get can be in its own way as good."

In the past 6 months, I have thrown every comfort of my life to the wind.
Last August, my wife Alicia and I left our jobs and rented out our home in the Kirkland, WA township, busting South to California. Every time I asked of God, "What will I do?", I FELT an answer in my gut, not my head...

"Go. I will take care of the rest."

I read religious, philosophical, economic, and historical accounts all the time. The progress of the Mind in all societal progressions enthralls me. I f*cking DIG IT, the evolution of society, pushed ahead by the grind-it-out mentality and passion of a few folks who, in a quantum push, shoved us through a door into a new way of living. iPhone. Facebook. Stem-cells. Eight Varied Baby Plops. Space vacations. Can we PLEASE feed the Hungry, worldwide, however? Yes, we can.

In these days since arriving in California, Alicia has worked hard at 2 companies now (contact me if you need promotional products for your events!, and I have worked at writing and getting my life in the groove of comedy and writing and commercial acting... the first 2 being The Things which I Am To Do. It's a tough rope to grab when you question the validity of your passion, but that's for a totally different wine-fueled jag.

As ever I have been, I am grateful, humble, thankful, and understanding of Why we moved here. My wife, that amazing gift of a woman and partner, deserves The Best.

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Lent Me A Hand

It is Lent, for those that know what I'm judging you for, and I had to give something up for it. I figured I'd look at what I'm doing, vice-wise, and drop one of the top 3 things. I'm pretty lame, when it comes down to "serious partying" these days. I don't drink enough, smoke enough, eat enough, wank enough, or go roof-shooting nearly often enough to warrant any of them to be dropped.

And I figured if I had to give up something that I wouldn't have to trot out an explanation for at a party, that's the best way to go. If everyone's throwin' down like Kennedy's at a 90th birthday party, or carb-loading on their way to an emotional crossing of the English Channel... and I'm sitting there with tepid water and a cracker, well COME ON, I'm gonna be the 8-baby-bearing Ut'rus Jackson at the party. Ev'a'body gonna wanna know. If nobody's doing the thing I gave up for Lent, then it's my secret and I won't have to say a thing about why I'm not joining in at the Mitzvah.

Then a circle jerk broke out... Damn it.
Next year, I'm giving up Attrition.

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Experts Wanted... Recruiters Needed!

I keep getting job search results wherein companies are looking for "A-Players," "First Teamers," "Expert Minds," and "People Who Rock and Are Irreplaceable."

Because the Smartest, Most-Expert, First-Team, 2 MBA-having people are, of course, looking for jobs right now. They were all released by their companies after Jan1'09. They will take a pay-cut. They can't wait to go through 3 interviews with snooty recruiters who are likely "making busy" while their company isn't hiring anyway, yet HR has to look like they have a LOT going on. That would never happen! Even though I had 4 recruiters tell me that frequently happens in between margaritas.

Hey, look, I've applied for a LOT of jobs in Los Angeles. From Branch Manager of a Financial Planning firm (Underqualified) to General Mister Stocker Help at a grocery store (Overqualified), I haven't seen what's-what for me here. I know what I really SHOULD be doing here; full-time comedy and writing and entertaining us through the recession and on-up. But in the meantime, as that keeps gaining momentum, I apply for jobs as a Business Analyst on a regular basis. And ain't shit coming back.

When I have talked with recruiters, they say one of two things:
1) Great resume! Looks really good, but this company isn't really hiring right now.
2) I'm not sure you want to drive to Ontario, CA every day for $19/hour.

So look, the A-List Business Analysts aren't really available. I quit a job to get down here to make things happen, and it's happening more quickly (this town moves pretty slowly, unless you're a Judd Apatow project or protege). I'm no B-Teamer, and I'm willing to work.

I'd ask you to contact me if you're looking to hire an intelligent, white, English-speaking, responsible, educated, teachable gentleman, but why should I? That's what led me here.

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Lawbreaking ASSessor Gets DUI Investigationated!

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Noble, county assessor, under investigation after car wreck

By SCOTT GUTIERREZ
P-I REPORTER

King County Assessor Scott Noble is under investigation for vehicular assault after a serious accident last month on Interstate 5 that may have been caused by driving under the influence, according to a Washington State Patrol report obtained Tuesday.

========
I am very thankful that nobody got hurt in this accident, after Fartbag Noble U-Turned on I-5 and went face-to-face with a Jeep Liberty and 2 young ladies. Very happy they are okay.

Here's why Noble's a mid-Summer's night bag of catshit on feet.
Home values in King County are down to lowest levels in 4 years.
Yet he raised the "assessed value" of properties, raising property taxes for the year.
In an already heavily-taxed state.
Therefore the Free Market is not in control, Capitalism is not in control. One office is in control. "We think it should cost X Amount."
If I could get somebody to buy it for X, then Y haven't I sold it yet? Because Zhit's sits for too long and ain't nobody looking to buy a condo in Kirkland. Yet. Again, a man with some shit to bury got hisself into a bad situation. Makes me hope my skeletons are in order.

It's very likely that he is right in some bylaw, but I know what's right.
And if I can, I will directly say it to Noble's face; "You murderous drunken sot, I was the one who shat-painted the inside of your mailbox. Shalom, dickeyes."

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DECLARATION

If you want me to do the work you know I need to do, that you've been demanding me to do...

you're gonna have to put some clothes on.

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Freedom Does Not Mean "Without Consequence"

We have the Freedom of Speech here in America, and from what I can tell, people cannot talk to save their lives. Luckily, long ago in our history, we defected from England, then beat the British to overcome many of their rules and laws. Otherwise we'd all be speaking English right now.

Having the protected right documented by the Government in the first Harry Potter book means you can stand on the corner and shout your brains out about how awful the neighborhood's cops, mayor, and bus service are and not be punished. As long as you're not swearing. Or lying. Or disrupting traffic. There are rules, after all, to complete freedom.

And that's where the system goes schizophrenic. The moment something is written down to "make it official," it gets mashed into molds to fit people's sensibilities. I appreciate we have the right to speak freely in this nation, but rarely do I speak as freely as I ought to, especially against people abusing Free Speech.

A girl, early 20's, in a laundromat, on her cell phone. Ending every sentence with "an' sheeit," or "like a bitch." Dropping F-bombs like they be NaPalm on the last run through Kai San. (That was kind of a phat rhyme) Ignorant yammering, but I'm the only one really paying attention to the language because, well, it's a laundromat in Southern California... I'M THE ONLY WHITE PERSON IN THE JOINT, if I have to spell it out for you.

Eventually, when I had heard enough of the F-laced tirade about she ain't be wantin' to go to no gay-ass party at Dontell's, we made eye contact for about 2 seconds. I just sighed and shook my head and said "Classy." She made some head motion and stomped away as if I were invading her privacy. Handled with aplomb, young lady. Kudos 'n' sheeit. Daymn.

We do have a protected freedom in our Speech in this country. It's time to start taking that away from people, at least in a public-shaming way. Just because it's okay, doesn't make it Right.

America is a really wonderful idea. Too bad it's full of shit.

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Better, Closer, Funnier

Last night I tripped northward with Todd Sawyer to check out a room he's been working with, the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. I went for a number of reasons, most of them centered around my genuine personal growth that happens every time I'm around Todd. He has been endlessly rooting for me for years now, since I first worked with him at the Underground in Seattle. Todd's a smart, paced, calculatedly hilarious comedian, and on the grander scale, he's under 6-foot and tromps daily on size-13's. The guy's kind of a freak, but he's got basketball skillz, from what I've heard. And he bought me a footlong.

The first time I saw Todd in 2003, long after he'd started throwing show-closing heat on the regular, I re-realized that there is a place for smart comedy. It first hit me when I saw Joe Vespaziani in 2000, that comedy is not ONLY a fake, manufactured energy propping-up a soul-dead thrice-divorced "Veteran," hacking their way through local references and built-in applause breaks ("How many y'all got kids? Applaud if ya got kids, I got kids, who got kids?"). Todd's help in Los Angeles, and even before, when I was drifting my way into the Seattle Comedy Competition Finals in 2007. (p.s. Los Angeles doesn't give a SHAYT 'bout it.) And his advice has only ever helped me correct my direction. Especially when I talk with my wife about "What is next."

So I get up there and got a lucky spot, in that another comic didn't show up to do this taping for a local TV station. Boom, got 10min at the front. I reacquainted with Courtney Cronin, met Marla Schultz, dug the set of Dante, and talked more with Todd over the 6 hours we spent in the car yesterday. Y'ever feel like you grew so much in a short time you just go quiet in contemplation? It hit me last night on the way home...

This is closer to the stuff I moved here to do. Progression, growth, career on FORWARD. The leap was taken, the net may not have appeared yet, but that's because I'm in the freefall. And when you're in FreeFall, the key is to not keep looking for the splashdown.

The key is to turn your fall into a stylish dive. Flips, turns, back-saults, fireworks.

And when you accept your rewards, thank the good people who helped you in public, then party it up with them in private. Watches will be purchazzed.

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Lee and Ray = Bad News

For some reason, people with names of Lee and Ray in their CV's usually end up with some crazy schidt happening in their life. I've documented it before, HERE.

I think it may be that their parents gave them the shortest name possible, foreshadowing the darkness that would someday drip from the doublewide's wood paneling. Other than Ed or Al, this is as short as you can go without getting down just to the initials, which is an entirely different nametag job.

Ian Ith's Seattle Times Column HERE:

A 70-year-old West Seattle woman was choked and stomped to death in her apartment Friday by her grandson, possibly because she had been trying to get him to move out, police said.

King County prosecutors expect to file a murder charge by Thursday against Deon Lee Fillmore, 21, said spokesman Dan Donohoe. Meanwhile, a judge has ordered Fillmore held in King County Jail on $1 million bail.

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Smart, Good People Don't Do These Things

1. Leave a voice-message that says "Hey, call me back." Or any such form. You've given a command, nothing more. No information. No preparation. Nothing helpful. Help me, help YOU. Help yourself by helping me figure out what you are calling me about. (my wife is excluded from this)
2. Call me and ask, "What are you doing on Wednesday?" Leaving it there is to say "Unless you are willing to compromise yourself and LIE, you will say you are free, and I will then ask a favor that will likely put you out a bit." Here's what I'm NOT doing on Wednesday, or any other day in that inquiry: going to or near the airport, moving boxes, driving more than 10 miles for less than $100, vomiting, cleaning up vomit, hosing rendered parts towards a drain of any size, jogging, telling your boss you're in the hospital, clearing brush, donating blood/marrow/kidney, paying for your lunch.
   
3. Shop in the wrong direction at Trader Joe's. Go in the front door. See where it's pointing? That's the natural flow to the store. Go that way. It's not willy-nilly. It's clockwise or counter-so. If you see a row with one woman pushing a cart full of bags, you came in the EXIT and should be forced back into your vehicle. And don't give me some line of crap about how you "Don't know," or you've "never been here," or you're "87 years old." Follow the flow. If you miss the canned salmon paté, LOOP THE BLOCK, fart-saver! Don't make a u-turn into oncoming traffic. You can come back to it... but if you GO back to it... I swear to Jessica Simpson's dietitian that I will point you out.
   
   
4. Write blogs complaining about the generally under-important aspects of human interaction much? GOOD. Because life is too intense to deal with that stuff. Be a grown-up, for crying out loud. It's part of the gig. You sound like a wet, dribbly fart so KNOCK IT OFF.
5. Leave your semi-full shopping cart unmanned in the middle a store. Nobody got the news from your double-parked "Hers" BMW that you were all about YOU. The fact that your inability to muster the energy to schlep your bounty 'round the end of the aromatics is your statement that "Hey, the Royal You doesn't fucking matter to me. I'm lazy, I'm weak, I give 2 hard-pushed nuggets about anybody but the Queen Bee right here." The only way to get back at you is to A) Move your cart out of sight, or B) Quickly cram a couple of high-priced items into your cart that won't be seen until you ring out. Oh look, you just bought... WHAT?... $37 of SAFFRON? WHAT THE HELL? Yes. Enjoy.
   

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Alex Rodriguez Comes Clean And Lies About It

Alex Rodriguez is one of the best baseball players of all time.
That cannot be denied. Nor can his admission of using steroids for just a few seasons, 2001-2003. He did not use before nor after. NOPE. Not once. Not even when his legs went from "substantial" to "trunkish." Nor when his shoulders bouldered forward and out, looking more like a linebacker than an attention-needy third baseman next to, arguably, the greatest shortstop of all time, Derek Jeter. Nor when he summoned the Herculean strength to escape Madonna's harpy hatch, Alex was free of anything other than whatever God's Natural Chemicals (GNC) had been dumped into his system from his own endocrines. And horse aspirin.

Frankly, I don't care if professional athletes use steroids. It's entertainment, mainly, but there are 2 aspects we must look at.
1) Does the use of performance enhancing drugs (PED's) in SOME players go against Sportsmanship as it is no longer Organically-Developled Talents vs. ODT (see previous), and allows the user an upper-hand in the Strength & Reaction department?
AND
2) What if the player uses PED's and still blows? THEN what?

Alex Rodriguez was already a great player. Then did the PED's and started putting up unnatural numbers, in the retrospect of history. But at that time, when McGwire and Sosa were bombing through the 60's in the Home Run column, 57 homers didn't seem like much. So A-Rod wasn't the only one juicing his meat. That came out wrongly.

I think it's sad that we live in a society that demands so much from the undeserving-of-fame, and yet rankle at the first sign of their human-ness. Talentless girls all over the nation get boob jobs all the time, nary a word about their enhanced performance in finding a husband, or pole work of many, many interpretations. But then again, booballoons aren't illegal, simply immoral.

That's what it comes to; Steroids are a controlled substance. While they can have many benefits in healing injuries and recovering from normal-sized testicles, in the long run you're just gonna have great acne scars and a number of rage-related arrests.

So yes, A-Rod cheated. And in doing so, his opponents suffered, either in being thrown out at first, or getting their hanging curve knocked another 30 feet into the stands. These are things A-Rod could have done 90% of the time anyway, or maybe just hit the 12th row instead of the 30th. In history, he will be seen as a cheater. He will be seen as the martyr of the era that many players were using 'roids in. Football, baseball, basketball, MMA, swimming, all of it. Today, A-Roid said his cousin gave him the stuff. How nice of Alex to bring his family into the spotlight.

So we must go back to the youth of our nation, involved in sports and tell them that if they really care about their bodies, they will not take massive amounts of drugs of any sort to enhance their performance. Instead, they will stretch, eat properly, put in extra hours of practice, work out longer, go back to the practice fields, run a little further, work on their coordination, and if there's time, do some school work. Many are called. Few are chosen. Fewer can do it that well without drugs.

But if your team has lost 25% of their games by halfway through the season, they should all be eating pituatary stew until they get to .500. MILLIONAIRES, people. They can afford the organ transplants later.

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Workin' It Out

Last night was my birthday dinner, where World's Best Wife and I went to Rush Street in the downtown of our new hometown.
Red Zinfandel, Pan Roasted salmon, lobster-infused risotto with morels, baked 4-cheese mac (shared), and red velvet cake in a to-go. I'd banked calories the past few days, too, just to stay sharp for Go Time. Lots of veggies and tuna and chicken on the run-up. So I'd have a palate ready for the full experience.

We took our time, chatted about all kind of thing, and enjoyed each bite. It was great.
So how do I come back from that?

With a little bodyweight workout circuit, copped a bit from my Turbulence Training guru, Craig Ballantyne. You can get his newest edition of Turbulence Training by hitting the CLICK HERE! link up on the right there. It's about the only workouts I can adhere to. LOVE this stuff.

So, here's how I cleaned it up today:

1. Y-Squat (arms up, shoulders back, wide-stance), 15 reps
2. Push-ups, 25
3. Lunges, 12 each side
4. Bent Rows, 40lbs, 20
5. Squats, holding 20lbs, 20
6. Incline Push-up, 20
7. Side-plank, 30sec each side
8. Split-squat, 12 each side
9. Spiderman Mountain Climbers, 12 each side
10. Upright Rows, 40lbs, 20

So I did that twice, with 1min of rest in between circuits. About 10min of work for both rounds. It's as much cardio work as it is muscle breakdown. The past couple of days I had applied the Tabata Protocol (20 seconds of work, 10 seconds of rest, 8 rounds) to a number of different excerices, and my body had healed up pretty well with good eatin'. But this circuit, pretty much the same Craig threw down, kicked my own ass from the front. If you do these, and focus on the feeling of the muscle doing the work, and let your breathing dictate your pace, forget it, you're toast. You're gonna be pumped, burning a ton of gut cheese, and sweatin' like me at a Compton stoplight.

Have a great week. Do two things that are good for you this week, and maybe get a little extra sleep. You folks back in Seattle... get some Vitamin-D.

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The Road Less Traveled May Be Full Of Holes

Last night I worked a road gig in the SoCal area, driving 144miles round trip. The money was bad, the room was great, my set was a bit sloppy, but I did 30minutes (IN A ROW), and worked out a couple of new bits I'd been meaning to lay upon the friendly confines of comedy shows. This is the equivalent of running 7 miles every morning a few weeks out from a big fight. You gotta stay sharp when your boss calls you in and wants to account for the sticky-notes you seem to be Criss Angel'ing into your hatchback. Funky roadgig. Always a good time. This is unlike most shows, wherein the gig is not only in a bar or restaurant, but the booker of the show tags along. And usually needs a ride.

The booker is in his early 50's, from the sound of it, and not robustly into that decade. Decisions, Life, and Women ain't been kind. Nor have the cigarettes that go down in 4 drags. The booker tags along for a few reasons:
1) It's his show, and he wants to make sure it goes smoothly so he doesn't lose the room, nor the income.
2) At the show, he gets to drink and eat for free.
3) There are some control issues at play that start with...
*Where to pick him up, and end with
*Never giving too much credit to a good comic for a good set (keeps 'em working hard!).

I don't fear him reading this post, because he neither has a car nor any solid grips on his current living quarters. Nearly got evicted again, was his story last night.

I wish no ill upon anybody, truly. That always works in reverse. These are just facts of the story. Facts that, perhaps, need not be shared, but facts none-the-less.

Okay, so we drive the 70 miles TO the show. I was moved from the Opening spot of 20minutes to the Middle/Feature spot of 30minutes. Great! It's been a while since I ran 30, and had a lot of newer material to hone, needing some live fire to do it with. First guy goes up, does a good job, riffing with the audience and what-not. The crowd liked him a lot.

Then I go up, and get going, and let's just skip around:
1) I do some opinionated stuff that is backed up by crazy accusations and falsified facts to bolster my case. But the crowd gets it and laughs a LOT at it. For example, The Elderly (62 and older) should be relegated to shop in grocery stores only between the hours of 9:15am and 11:30am, Monday-Thursday. If you've ever run into one of them going the wrong way in a Trader Joe's (yes, there's a shopping perimeter pattern), you know what I'm talking about. This is to protect THEM, too.

2) The tried & true works greatly, including tag lines on the bit about Women's chest tattoos, and a new format of the JagerBomb joke. I totally forgot to do the joke about giving Good People extra rights, but still filled the time. That was encouraging.

3) Hit the closer, THANK YOU I'm Geoff Lott, Be Good To Each Other, good night. DONE. Accolades in numerous forms, even from the other comics and the bar staff. Felt good, but I slipped here and there and wasn't 100% happy with it. I'd give it a solid A- to a B+.

Fast Foward to the drive home. We leave the gig at 11:45. It's an hour back into Hollywood, where I have to drop El Bookerio off before I get to go home. It's late-ish, I'm tired, and he's half-drunk on free beers. And has a steak sandwich in the car, which will make cameo appearances as we get out of Orange County.

Now, the volume level of the average drunk grows exponentionally in a Civic. This is smoker's breath + Michelob Ultra + Hot Steak Sandwich (extra grilled onions) + Self unAwareness-kind of Loud. And I was doing all the work. The whole way home I hear about a few things for my career. These came AFTER... AFTER.... AFTER... he mentioned that he didn't really watch my set because he was busy doing other things. "Other Things" likely means Free Beer Guzzling, and Outdoor Chain Smoking.

The things I need to do to help my career, from a guy who left my car with 4 plastic shopping bags full of food, drinks, or bottles.
1) I need to stay hungry for time and gigs (I took THAT one, on my birthday, on LOST night, didn't I?)
2) I need to, you know, work on, you know, uh... (drunken pause)... the aspect... (pause to bite sandwich)... of delivery (smacking licks of the smoke-odored fingers).
3) The delivery... has to... match the material. (Like what bit in my act has a bad delivery?) Well, (he) didn't watch most of (my) set, but (I) want to hit different words with varied emphasis.

So, he can't pinpoint the advice, because he didn't watch my set.
He talked time and again about how he can't book guys more than 18 hours in advance because it always allows them time to cancel on him (thus putting the blame/guilt on the comic).
He gave me driving tips, yet has no car.
He ate loudly and stunk up my car.
I dropped him off in a non-descript section of Hollywood, far from where I picked him up.
I got home at 1:35am, with better material and a ringing in my right ear, a better comic for having taken the gig and worked the time on stage with the Intent of bettering my skillz.

There are no quarterly reviews in comedy. What you do is judged NOW. Funny or Not, you know immediately. Life is much like that, if you stop and see how it can go from moment to moment. Otherwise, you end up giving life and career and driving advice from one side of your mouth, while complaining about evictions, carlessness, and free steak sandwiches out the other.

Choose Funny. Stay on the High Ground.

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Credit Counseling, a Vid-yo

Check it out! New video up at FunnyOrDie.com!

Credit Counseling; a Geoff Lott Rules product - watch more funny videos

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Nice Twits

TWITTER, the mini-blog of the Now, is a new format I hit up to "Tweet." Just random thoughts in moments.
For example:
"Big diff btwn "quitting job to follow Purpose" and "didn't show up for shift, got high and did open mics instead."

"Demanding u finish "GhostBusters 2" is a mandate of solo TV watching, so stop talking to me through the wall"

"You want fully organic, probably best to grow your own"

"50% of the people at Health Food Stores appear severely malnourished"


So if you're out there, check it out, Follow me on Twitter!

And FaceBook!

AAAAAAAND!
New Video This week! Banks, credit crunch, customer service,

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Techknowledgey

Recently there was a report on TV about how some bands have reduced their ticket prices to make sure their fans can come out to shows in this recovering economy. In it they showed footage of a recent concert of some band I probably don't like, especially if their shows are tame enough to be taped for the 5 o'clock downer report.

What I found funny was the number of cell phones in the air at this show. Little lit-up screens faced away from the stage, which means these people were either recording the show on video or audio.

So... you wait for a band you like to come to town. Spend $50 on a ticket, IF you can get your cheese in order and take on Ticketmaster's website and the legalized scalpers. Then you pay for parking at the show, couple of beers maybe, some weed, and then, when the Likely Better Than The Headliners Opening Band is done, you wait... anticipating the lights to go down like every show...

And as the bland of your current hotPod playlist hits the stage, your heart leaps into your pocket so you can PULL OUT YOUR CAMERA PHONE?

The band your co-workers think is "inaccessibly indie-sounding" is RIGHT THERE, 30 feet from your wine-soaked mug and you're living the experience vicariously through a 2-or3-inch screen. Recording it to watch it later, in all it's fuzzy, distorted goodness.

Another thing to do in this situation is to go to the show alone, stand dead center, and let it happen around you, taking it all in. You know, get your money's worth. Nobody wants to see Hinder replayed on Y'allToob. This entire scene is a Hindenberg of technology, I cannot wait to see phones get yanked by security, all so an adult with a 17 year-old's mentality could try and recapture a non-life-changing moment.

Idiots: Ruining it when the criminals are too cool to.

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Your Dirty Windows

The on-set of FaceBook, MySpace, SpaceBalls, BallBook, MyFaceOnBalls, BallFace, BallSpace, and CuteOverload.org all funnels into the same market of the 'net now known as "Social Media." We decide, choose, and connect how we wanna connect. You can't force somebody to be your friend on the 'net. There's no booze, no coke, no lingering feelings of parental neglect. No immediate pay-off to a relationship. So superficial. So 2009.

I wanna be your on-line friend, so I can stalk you from afar, and you can see how fat I got after Senior Year. Which, if I had to do over again, I would skip WAY more often. The schooling, not the fatness. Wow. My kids are skipping whether they like it or not. I'll force my kids to skip HOME Schooling and go hang at the local alternative high for crap's sake. FOR CRAP'S SAKE, MARC, YER TAKIN' THE PISS! Now, as people carry on posting pictures of their lives, we get a peek into what's important to them. And it varies up the scale of age.

Family and Married People post pics of their kids. If I want somebody to see my kids, I'll hold my kid over the balcony, thank you. But DAMN, my family and friends put out some really cute kids (NIECES PIECES RILEY!). Okay, fine. Now the "internet public is clamoring for more of the Obama's Daughters!" Bigger than Miley Cyrus!?!?! Not at WalMart! Not yet...

Single people post pictures of places they got drunk, taken while they were drunk in those places. Bathing suits on the hotties. Self-pics. Double-fisting (that oughtta get some hits). LOTS of hugs.

Anybody still in high school, emotionally anyway, posts pics they take of theyselves and they friends and they partying in a car, throwin' finger signs and being awesome. What-what? No. No.

So, now that we have a billboard unto the world to tell 'em all what we're about? We have unparalleled access and capability to say "CHECK ME OUT." And while people become their own paparazzi, I'm just not seeing much that's exciting enough to tune back in for. And THAT banality is exactly what is so intriguing!

Please, keep doing what you're doing, and posting the photographic evidence of your life. Someday, we'll look back and remember how great you could have been, until you came down with autophotoluciopia... Blindness caused by taking pictures of yourself because you don't have any actual friends to snap one for you, fart-saver.


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A New Erra

The 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, has been sworn into office by the verbally-stumbling W-appointed Chief Justice John Roberts, and we now have the first non-white male as President. Better, but still behind a number of nations that have had FEMALE political leaders over the past few years. We'll dive into that another time.

I got flu-like chills listening to the Inaugural Speech, understanding that for the first time in my voting life, my vote may have counted. I usually give 2 hot squirts about politics, because at that high of a level, it's way the hell out of my hands as a man who thinks guns should be mandatory and drugs should be legal. At this time, however, I realize how important politics are in life, in family squabbles, and in getting ass from that chick who's "documentary hot." So now, as everyone gets their fingers wet in the welcoming folds of political chatter, we're gonna see who knows what, and who is shit-stacked on the innards.

The coffee shop pundits, bus stop campaigners, and kitchenette crazies will be chatting up Obama's first 100 days like it was 1998 and Rachel just found out Ross has been stealing her underpants, emotionally. Everyone's got something to say, and they have absolutely nothing to say.

"You know, he's closing Gitmo."
"I know. He's gonna sign the papers to close it."
"Yeah, they're gonna shut it down. It stood for a torturist stance on terrorism that showed the world a barbaric side of America."
"Yeah, we're better than that."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
(nodding)

AND? Then what? There won't be a fart's-worth of convo left because nobody sought deeper on it. Our barbarism is NOT supposed to be displayed. This is America. We keep that inside, locked away behind the facade of gleaming WELCOMES to all nationalities, but truly wanting them to shut up, register their presence, and pay their taxes.

Guantanamo is where they will train personnel of the Travel Safetey Administration.

The Travel Safety Administration (motto: "Slow Down, We're Here To Help YOU. You're WELCOME. Asshole.") How does the TSA keep hiring people who can't speak English, come from unfindable nations, yet determine which of us get on airplanes? Never have I wanted more to cause problems in the airport until I get to Security. If you have a rudimentary grasp of common courtesy being over-ridden by control issues, and like yelling at people, but are too dumb, fat, or unable to grow a 'stache to be a cop, get thee to a TSA office NEEOW. Creating rules against EVERYTHING and then scaling them back is not "pro-active" administration; it's horrible parenting, and it has to stop. The passenger-facing wing of the TSA doesn't set policies, they only misinterpret them before playing out their Swayze fantasy of rifling through pockets to make sure I'm not bringing any dignity on the plane.

So study 3 big things Obama's gotta do in the next 6 months. The Bailouts, Iraq, the sage-burning energy clearing of Cheney's office, and absorb these. Because there's nothing more invigorating than a lively conversation where you can refute the other person's claims with Truth, Peace, and a Flag-Tattooed Middle Finger.

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Wealth, Taxes, and Laziness

"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by
legislating the wealthy out of freedom.
What one person receives without  working for,
another person mustwork for without receiving.
The government cannot give to anybody anything
that the government does not first take from somebody else.

When half of the people get the idea that they do not
have to work because the other half is going to take
care of them, and when the other half gets the idea
that it does no good to work because somebody else is
going to get what they work for, that my dear friend,
is about the end of any nation.

You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."
Dr. Adrian Rogers 1931-2005

Change your thinking!  Right now! 
Change it to thoughts of all the abundance you live in, and h
much more you can bring to your life.
Now.  Don't wait for anybody or anything. 
It's YOUR Turn.  Because I am NOT feeding your ass.

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Pick Sure Pages

While at a baby shower a couple years ago, among other places that burn a hole in your soul... CUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!... I noted what appeared an insane number of inane photographs being snapped. A woman with a digital camera was snapping pics every 5 seconds, from a package being picked up, to the hand-off, to the faces of the mom and her couch-neighbor being explained-to what the package was... LET HER OPEN THE GIFT, DUMMY... basically 5 pics of every gift-opening. Why not just buy a video camera? Friggin' flip-book of banality.

In December, while I was in Vegas, I strolled everywhere on the strip and saw where people took pics. Some of the pics, sure, great opportunity. The Tour d'Eiffel at Paris. A view of New York-New York from across the street, it's massive. The gold Lion on the corner of the MGM Grand.


But in front of the M&M Store? It's 4 floors of retail space dedicated to all things M&M. Like, THE CANDY. I get the opulence and extravagance of Las Vegas. I understand the M&M store is a somewhat-welcome bastion of innocence in the middle of a city that promotes excess and addiction as though they were life support... which they can be... but as a tourist destination, hmmm...

Doug: "So, uh... Gary... I don't know if I told you this. About 2 weeks ago, when I was in Las Vegas?"
Gary: "Dude, if you tell me what I think you're gonna tell me, don't tell me. I don't want this on my conscience."
Doug: "Listen. I went to the M&M Store."
Gary: "Doug, I am calling BULL'S SHIT on that far-out line of storytelling."
Doug: "Wanna make it interesting?"
Gary: "Yeah, dick eyes. $10! You can't prove it!"
Doug pulls out his digital camera

Doug: "BOO-YES, CheeseSkids! GIMME MAAAH MOE-NAAAAY!"
Gary: "Daaang! You do live the high life."

Now, please explain why this picture was on the internet, twice now...
This young man is either
1) Not of legal drinking age
2) Foreign
C) Recovering from brain reconstruction surgery
IV) Not worried about girls, they'll see THIS picture and realize what a sweetie he is and finally give up the lovin'.
FIVE) So tooted up on 'shrooms he thinks he's getting a picture with "the chick from the Greek Wedding movie."

I guess I just can't stand the posed pictures, they're so fake and ugh.

As odd as it sounds, I do wish that I had taken a picture of myself the moments after finding out my dad died. That depth of emotion, that moment my heart bottomed out, THAT was Life. That was an end-point of the spectrum of feelings by which all others would be measured. It would have captured a lot, from sadness to love.

So please, before snapping that next picture, ask yourself... why am I sitting in this van with a rainbow wig and a lightbulb in my butt's hole?


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A $tudy in Restraint

If you're like me, sorry. Tax returns are beginning to be postponed while we get our things in order. That includes a lot of receipt separation for me, especially for the entirety of the comedy work I write off. But when it comes time to file, and the money comes back... WHATCHOO GONNA DO, BROTHER, WHEN THE GOVERNMENT RELEASES YOUR MONEY BACK TO YOOOOOOU?
(first off, I think income tax is a scam... you get taxed for HAVING A JOB, taxed for what you buy, taxed for selling anything at a profit, and taxed if you save and it the money makes money... and we're bailing out banks)

So, either I'm gonna plop my money into an interest-bearing savings account, an IRA, or a stimulus plan that includes dinner with The Wife! and an upgrade of home protection, including but not limited to, a flamethrower.

What're YOU gonna do with YOUR tax return this year?

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It's Part Of The Gig

I just heard a great line from Matt Furey, who may have heard it elsewhere, but...
"Nothing bad ever happens to a Writer. It's all just more Material." So very true. The more I've embraced my Purpose of putting all the hot, joke-on-joke humor I can into the world, the less stress I've had in life. It's all part of the gig, Life. Job goes weird, c0-worker drives you nuts, club-owner shorts your money, hotel's not expecting you, hooker dies in your tub (not your hooker), cat craps in the tub, buddy has no clue of their own narcissism and toxicity, it's all Soul Food.



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Rules Of Engorgement

Well SHIT SALAD I gotta drop pounds again, thank you 10 days in Las Vegas and 9 at home! It's coming off, but cripes, I need to stop fretting when I'm back-sweating and get back to what I know works.
Roasted chicken or salmon + vegetables + TurbulenceTraining - PeanutButter by the Handload = leaner Geoffrey.

I think the stress of body dismorphism or "lagging feelings of self-image" causes us more stress, and therefore more physiological damage, than the actual fluctuation of weight. I've had weeks where the scale reads +/- 7 pounds, dropping as much as 3 in one day after a long walk and workout and eating right. Human beans eat about the same volume... VOLUME as in SPACE-FILLING... every day. Good rule to remember. If I'm gonna eat, say, 10 cups of food, and wanna keep the calories low, I need to schnorf down the high-volume foods, like veggies and fruits and oatmeal and things that take a long time to break down. Throw in a little lean protein to keep the shouldermeats lookin' wide, thick in leg and loin, and BOOM, we're good.

Turns out, I need to STOP DRINKING MY CALORIES. Beers, of course, but I do love and won't sacrifice mine Guinness. BUT, I can lay off the sugared energy drinks (300cal in a can?!?!?), sweetened coffees and teas, and for the love of handles, drop my JambaJuice fixation. Their "PeanutButter Moo'd" is clocking 640cal for 24oz (it's okay, 180cal just from FAT). Then again, if I saw a PBM'd personified, walking down the street, it'd probably cause me to stop break-dancing, throw off those clown shoes, and ask "Hey is your father a jewel thief? BECAUSE I WOULD TOTALLY DO IT WITH YOU IF I WEREN'T MARRIED."

That being said, I have a lot to accomplish this year. A lot. Soon. I'll keep you posted on what I'm doing and how it's going, of course, with minor musings on the desire to see
1) Customer Service come screaming into the 21st Century
and
2) Mine enemies driven before me, crushed beneath my comedy.

In the meantime, switch to half-caf, half&half, save 10% of your money (JUST DO THIS), and for the love of Dulce de Leche, stop thinking it's about YOU all the time.

Go with your elves.

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A Bad Rap

In one week, the movie NOTORIOUS is released.

It's about Christopher "Biggie Smalls/Notorious B.I.G." Wallace, a rap artist (one of the few who can be called an "artist"), and his rise to fame, as well as his tragic death at the age of 24. He was murdered in a drive-by shooting in Los Angeles before his 25th birthday, and less than 3 years after releasing his debut album, "Ready To Die." He was killed at a stoplight, in the passenger seat. The man who pulled the trigger has not been found, at least by authorities.

There has always been violence associated with the New Age of rap music, that which spawned from the late 1980's with "Gangsta Rap," headed-up by the group N.W.A. Still one of the best groups of all time. Still one of the most influential musical movements in the history of music.

So, when this movie comes out next week, will there be violence?
This litany of violence associated with events involving rap music says YES. I think YES, there will be violence at the opening weekend, which is sad. It costs so much to go see a movie these days, but to have it ruined by people shouting "YAY YAY DAWG, GIT THAT SHIZZO" for 32 mintues before you lose your shit and open fire on these skidmarks, AAARGH, just makes for a rough weekend.

I'll report back after the movie opens. I can only hope there is none. Zero. Not one fight. Hopefully people can go see the movie and dig it and it's all cool. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.


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A GREAT PACKAGE - FITNESS WISE!

I have bad news. I rarely do that here, but this is a program I believe in for fitness and strength unlike any other. Turbulence Training!

At Noon (EST) on Thursday, January 8th, all of the free bonuses in the Ultimate Turbulence Training for Fat Loss Solution are going to be removed. There are like 10 extras here, for less than a yearly membership to a meathead local franchise gym!

• The Turbulence Training 6-Month Bodyweight Manual (no equipment needed)
  
• The TT Bodyweight 500 Workout Challenge (this will torch you)
  
• The TT for Athletes 8-Week Training Program (prevent injury, amp performance)
  
• The TT Ultimate Advanced Bodyweight Workout (wanna look like a Spartan?)
  
• The TT Bodyweight 1000 Fat Burning Challenge (only for those who can push themselves)
  

I don’t even want to think about how much you’d have to pay to get them separately. So don’t miss your chance to get them for free. I use Turbulence Training for Fat Loss and I love it. I can’t recommend the program enough. Seriously, I have gotten quickly back down, losing the 7lbs I gained after the stressful holidays.

And I promise you that you’ll love it, or Craig Ballantyne, the creator of Turbulence Training, will give you your money back. You have nothing to lose (except belly fat).

But all of the extra bonus goodie workouts will be removed from this incredible offer at Noon (EST) on Thursday, January 8th.

So don’t waste any more time. Visit this site to grab the Ultimate Turbulence Training Fat Loss Solution and all of your fast action bonuses:
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GO GO GO!

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Shopping Mauls

This morning I read where Macy's closed 11 stores after a weak retail season. CLEARANCE SALES NEXT WEEK!!! It's a foreclosure sale on INC, Alfani, and Tommy Hilfiger!

Not much foot traffic, and likely, not much via the web, either. Money's tight, if you're tight with money. Or for myriad reasons. I think I used "myriad" properly.

But also, retail sales dipped the past few years for a few reasons that I can point out here. How correct they are, in a "traditional" sense, is of no concern. I'm right, for the wrong reasons, okow? BOKAY!

1) Retail Employees: Most seem to work under the motto "If I have to fold clothes I can't afford, it's gonna suck for you, too." Not my fault, I didn't schedule you to work on your due date. OR, they go the OTHER way, and you can't make a move without being accosted, confronted, and suggested-to about an item. I can't stand either of them. Either I'm putting up with a ton of misdirected attitude of the bad sort, or somebody's climbing my back to introduce me to their, LIKE, FAAAAAAAAAAAYVRAT DENIMS! The training that goes into these folks is what's getting screwed up. I can't get that kind of treatment at home!

This fully excludes places I have visited like T.Petterson, LaRee Boutique, Posh, and Barney's. Hmm, the high-end places make me want to return. Weird. Prob'ly a quincidunce. I can't get that at home!

2) The Environment: Nothing says "let's shop!" like blaring techno, rap, or house music.

3) This is taking too long...

I don't want to drive into a crappy part of town, crowded with cars and dipsh*t, unsupervised teenagers who apparently shoot at each other now, and park, walk all over, and deal with it all.
Food courts. Teenagers being loud. Slow walkers. Gibberish languages.

Which is why I MUST. To NOT go is to deny a very American experience. I need to let that stuff go and accept that this is Part Of Shopping. All I can do is what's RIGHT.

Which is to alert Mall Security that the group of teens over there was shoplifting, and see that they are escorted out. The mall is for shoppers.


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This May Have Screwed Everything Up

Okay... so... being nice can ass-chomp you. It's doing that to me.
I just realized that next Wednesday I'm supposed to do a favor for somebody AND get a delivery on the SAME DAY. Unless I arrange it another way, which I'm hoping the Delivery Team will allow me to do.

Otherwise, somebody's gonna be standing outside LAX chain-smoking and cursing the existence of Geoffrey Lott... all while he's getting the Bidet-To-You-Sir! properly wired.

Life's sooo good.

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-$.05 is Too Steep A Price

Nickelbland, a puss-rock band outta Canada, has released a song "inspired by unrequited love btwn two young people." That, or something like it, was a quote from their front"man," Chad. The song was called "Be Somebody" or something to be played while an 8th-grader does push-ups over the picture of his homeroom crush.

Can we agree that...
1) Nickelback is marketed TO and FOR stalking people;
2) Nickelback is the soundtrack to small-town, teenage pregnancy;
3) Nickelback has enough support that they can tolerate the musings of a comedian more talented at stand-up than they are at music?

I hear 5 seconds of a -$.05 song, and I have to listen to powerdrills and a 14" chopsaw for an hour to re-up my testosterone.


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It's Done Been Rung

2009 is here.
2008 was nuts. Total shakedown year, the louts and losers and mooches got a LOT of heat in '08. I am still disgusted with the bailout situations for large banks, while a lot of people were losing their homes and H2's. Per usual, my ability to see both sides of a situation keep me from really taking a side. I think the predatory lenders at the banks were likely less-than-forthcoming about fees and upwardly-adjusting interest rates that would hike mortgage payments. I have had my own run-ins with those fart-savers, and when you work on a commission, of COURSE people will work the money in a way that says "It works out for YOU, the Buyer!" GREED, get it? Greed got most people. I love it.

The automaker bailouts, wow... it's amazing how corporations in our country can be so poorly-managed (like Mohan Gyani and John Zieglis running AT&T Wireless into the iceberg of old technology), and STILL walk away with millions of dollars in "severance pay." If most people at their jobs make a bad decision, a project goes a couple thousand over budget, or worse, the 6-foot sub sandwich has NO... CHEESE... But when you fail to LEAD a company as a CEO or President in a progressive direction, including adversiting, market position, and apple-bottomed spokesmodels who like MY comedy, and STILL get BILLIONS of dollars to correct your mistake, well sheeeeeit, why even try the first time? FORD is not taking any money, by the way. They have decided to work it out on their own. They are making more and more Hybrids, as are most companies. That won't be enough. We have a lot of unread newspapers and phone books, we MUST be able to extract some sort of energy from them.

So I'm happy to see that 2008 is gone. We started 2009 in Pismo Beach, a small-town, mid-Coast burg about 3 hours North of Culver City. It's the kind of town where, when you get a DUI, the officer takes you out for a beer afterwards. I got to perform 2 shows with Lisa Landry, a great comic from New York who moved out here with her husband and son a few months ago. We co-miserated over moves, as we, too moved, with a monkey-cat. Lots of drive time, my neck is a little tight. 2 Drunk Asspleats in the front row of show 2 nearly ruined it, though some people wanted them kicked out, right before being publicly stripped and face-crammed with a Dodge. The "manager" was a complete puss, walking into the room... after one of the guys pulled an Iraqi Confetti Moment and THREW HIS SHOE AT LISA... and the manager addressed the drunk f*ck by name and told him to "not embarrass (the manager)." His chace to be a hero, shot down so he could be "cool" in the eyes of this guy that he knows. More customers will remember THAT than how good the show was. And the bar-staff, including Gary "Comb On Over!" The Bar'sTender, just shrugged it off as if it were the comic's fault for not making a big stink about it.

I loved the shows, I'd do them again, and next time I'll make the kind of stink I usually reserve for the morning of Seis De Mayo.

So here we go. 2009. I'm not making resolutions or anything like that. Just regulating some things, and making sure I put some extra effort into some positioning. Things are to be done. Stop half-assing it and pretending it's not a problem. It is a problem. If nobody is talking to you about it, then you have a SERIOUS problem, and we only think you're sensitive about it. Get it checked out by a professional, get it fixed, and swallow your pride a bit so you can be Better. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Go get it.

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