Oh Holy Crap

So I've been ruminating over the case of poor 8 year-old Haley Waldman today. Haley was born with a rare digestive disorder that, if she eats wheat, can cause "blocking (of) nutrient absorption and leading to vitamin deficiencies, bone-thinning and sometimes gastrointestinal cancer."
In order to not, you know, get gut cancer, but still take her first Communion in the Holy Church, Haley ate a rice-flour wafer instead of the classic wheat-flour wafer. The rice-flour will not cause, you know, bone-thinning and GI cancer in this 8 year-old girl.

However, Haley's communion got DQ'ed by the church due to the lack of wheat in the sacrament. First of all, this is a group of people denying this girl's right to a life free of, you know, cancer at the age of 8, because of what it says in the Bible. "There must be some unleavened wheat in the wafer for it to be God-worthy of consumption. Is anybody else asking themselves "Art thou kidding the f*cketh out of thee?"

So here we have a girl who was brought to church by her family from an early age to have religion thrown all up in her head. She doesn't really get to choose, she's likely following whatever her parents say as a way of making them happy and hanging with some of the neighbor kids who'd rather be sleeping than coloring yet ANOTHER Jesus/Mary/Donkey activity page. Connect the dots, receive salvation. Amen.

This same church now denies that she is saved by the taking of Communion, as it was INVALID. Do they think she was pulling an end-around on the Holy Spirit? I don't want to speak for God, but I doubt God cares if an 8 year-old eats a wafer made of rice, wheat, or goat-meal. In her heart she's just trying to show God that she's aiming for the best and brightest she can be. And these Holy Ghostbusters of her local church crossed their beams and put her salvation in the containment unit of eternity due to what is essentially a Birth Defect.

How about instead of metaphorical spiritual regurgitation, these High (ass)Holy fruitcakes pray that Haley's condition be reversed so that she may play eat by their rules? OR, how about forcing Haley to eat the wafer, then promising, PROMISE PROMISE PROMISING that they'll pray for her when her body turns on itself due to the sacrament of the Christ which she partook in? So are they creating one more Bible-thumper, or one more group of people who decided, like me, that the biggest problem with any Religion is the Religious?

This girl is already in the Good Book at the gates just for putting up with these Holy Waterbrains. I hope these f*cks are sent to hell and continually ass-pillaged by demons with 6-cocks made entirely of 7-grain wild rice. Raise thine hands to the Lord above, you wafer whores. Here comes your San Francisco treat.

DING DING.

Take Me Home

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Sorry, I'm All Out Of Rat's Asses

My gawd... last night I had one of the best sets of my life at The Moonraker in Kent, WA. This is a bar that knows how to do comedy. People pay a couple bucks to get in after 8pm. The soundsystem is great. the room is big. They did a great job. And they said the 3 little words every comedian loves to hear:
"We Pay Cash" AND HOSANNAS RANG DOWN FROM THE HEAVENS!

Tonight I'm working Danny's Campus in Everett. They have a key element to them that will make the show fun. "THEY PAY CASH." OH CRAP, is the IRS reading this?

Wednesday night I had my lungs handed to me by whatever alien spawn illness I've contracted from Hoorleen McCracken. Transfers happen between how many hugs, high-fives, and handies? All I know is that it's about 10 days of the phlegmish inquisition, and I'm about to give in. Robitussin is a MF'er, too, I've ingested from the incidental chew spit-can and felt better about the effect on my body. And I have all the bedside manner for myself of Buffalo Bill in the "Lambs Be Quiet." 'IT STOPS COUGHING OR IT GETS THE PEPPER SPRAY. IT STOPS COUGHING OR IT GETS THE TABASCO HIGH-COLONIC.' I'm a total homeopath.

If you want to see why people hate the Church, check out this story. Besides all the kid-touching that the priests were up to, and it goes further than we know, now the Church has negated this little girl's communion due to a technicality in the wafer department. LIKE GOD GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE WAFER!!! I hope they're happy... they just created one less Christian and one more Libertarian.

Not funny. Better go before this gets worse.
Love you. Touch the goods.

G


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I'm Awake, Might As Well...

It's just getting into Thursday 8/19 as I write this. I'm on the backside of a MF'er of a chest cold, my 3rd this year. I just quaffed some NightTime Cold Medicine/Fever Dream-inducer, in Cherry, thank you. I love cuttin' it with some tonic, make a party out of it. It's like a foam party in my bronchii! Note the operational cigarette in-hand. Yeah, it's that great.

I have a gig later today/night in Kent at The Moonraker, a bar I used to drink at when underage. It should be an interesting homecoming of sorts. I hope/plan to see at least a few people I did time with in the Tahoma School System. Man, what a boring-ass life that was. I think I was the blackest kid in school.

The TV show, if anyone caught it on Tuesday night, WOW, can you say "FusterCluck?" I learned a lot though, about communicating with the dudes in the booth to make sure we're all on the same page. We're doing our Christmas Special next week, so tune in! Tuesday night, 9pm. I thought Shoogs did a great job holding it together. How often does a co-host have to leave the studio while On-Air to go outside and retrieve his once locked-in keys? Yep, I did it, got 'em back, and in the end it looked like we were barely trying, huh? Dig it. Tune in next week. Please.

Y'ever get that feeling that something is gonna go amazingly well? Like if you could just hold the stick in place, keep your airspeed up and stay on-target, you're gonna land this baby like you were born to do just that? I'm having that feeling lately. I've shed negative bullcrap and the people who fling it from my life, and that feels great. I know my ride will be bumpy from time to time, turbulence and bad coffee and some dip-ass charging the cockpit to take over the flight and bring 'er in. But that person better be wearing Kevlar and/or a cup. I've got every reason to swing this battleaxe for all I'm worth.

"Open Up Our Eyes, And Realize We're One." That's a quote from a song by "Heartbridge" or Jug of Creed or whomever the new incarnation of Creed is. Are they TRYING to write songs that not even 'The O.C.' will take? That line is CRAP, not to mention way pussy. My gawd, that is geared toward every Young Life devotee from here to Mecca, and even those kids wouldn't listen to it during a good dry-hump session. "If it's not in, it's not a sin." I just made that up, and I'm gonna make t-shirts of it. COPYRIGHT, COPYRIGHT! I win again. In the meantime, Creed, the members of Creed, and bands that sound like Creed give me ass burn. They should die and give me their money.

If you like Anime, you're a retard.

The Cherry Dream & Tonic is kicking in. If anyone calls I'll be in the tub.

laters

Take Me Home
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Weekend Wrap-Up

I'll start back on Thursday night. I did a money gig for a buddy who needed a headliner at the Taster's Wok. As you have surmised, it's a Thai restaurant in Lynnwood that hosts a comedy night once a week to entertain people tired of yelling "GIT 'ER DONE!" at each other all night. Okay, you probably didn't guess what I'd writtend after "restaurant" but that's what it is. I did it solely for the money and to work on my crowd interaction chops. I followed local legend Heneghen who is able to riff off a crowd with razor-like intent and spoon-like precision. He gets going and can't stop, and he had the place ROARING with ha-has. Good thing, too, because he followed LD., who cramped my game from the get go. I sat at a table with LD and Didi M., another comic. I sat next to this woman who was way hot, and no ring in sight, so I'm thinking, "Well hello there," and "please let my zipper be up." I sit, LD launches into a barrage of stuff that neither concerns nor interests me. Her and I had our differences in the past, but fawk-a-duck if she doesn't know when to shut it. All I could do with the gal I WANTED to talk to was run my fingers on the inside of her elbow from time to time. She seemed cool with it, responding by pulling away and gagging a little.
LD goes up and does well for 3 of the 18 minutes she's up there. Heneghen kills for 20-25 ish. Next thing I know I'm 5 minutes in and riffing off the crowd, doing better than just my jokes, which seem to be falling out of my mouth. Blah blah blah: Summary: Heckled by fat divorced guy with white shoes and high-waters, bored dipschidt at bar shines a flashlight in my face, bar owner missing the sleeves off his favorite t-shirt, and I got out with my life, if not my dignity.

Yep, what a great F'ing weekend it was. I did time at Chuckle Bucket's on Friday and had a great set following an energetic, disjointed, and entertaining set by a Canadian Laugh Slut. The guy just would NOT get off stage. 7-10 minutes is not 7 & 10 minutes. BUT it allowed me to go up and address the time issue as well as launch into a new bit. I riffed through the new bit, nothing really prepared, but it went pretty darn well. I have to make sure that I keep my act tight, however, because eventually, when I'm really angling for TV spots, I can't be rambling as if I've never been behind a mic before. Small crowd, but really very into the show. Everyone had good sets, which was nice to see. There's funny to be consumed. LESSON LEARNED: Being yourself is always better than being what you think other people want to see, unless people did not want to see you.

Then I went over to The Comedy Book to catch Jim Gaffigan (gaff-again, NOT Ga-figgin, as I was repeatedly reminded by his manager, who happens to be an ASS). Accompanying me were my respiratory cold and Cistern O'Hanrahan. The place was packed, and good thing too as Jim was recording his Comedy Central CD. If you can't destroy a room like that as a comic, you quit, immediately, and hit your head on a hard-cover copy of "1,001 Tasteless Jokes" until you forget your act. But from what I heard everyone did really well. Jim did really well, too. He's got something good going there. So pale. So funny. So smelling of meringue.

The next day I sat at the Mermaid Coffee House, which has taken to hiring less attractive staff since their IPO, and got to the nitty of some client-specific jokes. I have a gig on Sept.1st for a large, local software design business, kind of a Mom&Pop thing, and I want to make sure I am giving my best. It's weird to "have to" write for a specific event, but I have had a couple of my best performances for such gigs. This will be a fun one at the Triple Door, performing with Kid Dynamite. It's gonna be fun. And YES, I will be wearing a suit. JEEZ. And besides, I've spawned a couple of really great bits, I think, that will carry over to my other comedy.

Yesterday I just bummed it with Chlorine O'Grady and Shoogs B, writing eating, and wallowing in the end stages of upper-respiratory congestion. These are two of my favorite people in the world. It's almost like we can read each other's minds, but choose not to out of respect. Killroy made rad Thai Peanut Chicken Satay, a.k.a. "Chicken Candy," as dubbed by G-Bro. Then we eventually ended up at open mic at The Comedy Track.

Performed well, going 2nd after Nate The Latest Great. He's 13 years old and doing really well on-stage. However, he's doing straight lifts of a well-respected national act, and therefore has started his comedy career on the wrong foot. I'd like to coach him a little by letting him know how vital it is that he learn to write and perform his own material, but at the same time, he's 13 and his dad's a lawyer. Maybe he picked this instead of Summer Camp. Regardless I don't need no boy crying "Wolf/MICHAEL JACKSON" when I'm just trying to expose him to... I mean show him the... trying to help. Regardless, I had a great set following him, including where some man-hater tried to heckle me and I addressed her comment by telling her that I heard it, I know why she said it and why she said it the way she did, and that I know the games, so save it. Afterwards she came up to me and said she thought I was the best performer of the night, then asked me if I ever give private shows. I wasn't sure what she meant, so I told her that I will tell jokes for free, but the sex will cost her.
Anyone know how to treat a leather burn?
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Got some stuff forthcoming. Until then, keep your pants off.



Take Me Home

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Vegas Baby

So I didn't get the Vegas spot, but I was told that the judges "liked me a lot" and that I could have "done better." Doy, so could everyone except the person they picked. I heard that they picked a kid from Utah who makes faces.
1 - Would you pay to see that?
2 - I am happy to not be considered in the same breath as that type of comedy.


Because You Can't Have Sex ALL The Time

I ran into an old girlfriend recently, a woman who is probably as textbook attractive as possible. Auburn hair, bright blue eyes, tan, fit, perfect teeth/makeup/breath. She seems as if she craves only fruit and excretes biodegradable potpourri. Drives a Porsche, purchased with the money she made from investing in then selling Amazon stock before the crash. Lives in a posh condo near the Seattle waterfront. She's almost too gorgeous to look at.
And outside of her looks, there is not one interesting thing about her.

She had a truckload of nothing interesting to say, other than updating me on the goings-on of a couple mutual friends who she still hangs out with. Like I give a crap which stationery salesman is vying for a move to Medford, or how she and this guy and girl got SOOO drunk last weekend. Oh my Guinness, it was a record for useless information.

I only chatted with her for a moment, but it sparked me back to the conversations we had a long time ago when we first met. Sitting at a Happy Hour table with other good-looking friends (thanks to my humor I was included at this Last Supper of Blather) I looked around at these successful people and realized that, were it not for their looks, they would have jack shit to offer society. We'd all talk about work, slag on each other for the previous week's intimate co-minglings, see who is tapping which ass, and that was about it. For 3 empty hours.

One night I start talking with the ex, prior to our coupleage, and she asks me what I think of some dude who's been hanging in the group. I said that I subscribe to the "Saying nothing if nothing nice is to be said" school of chat. Then she asks "Why, did he say something to you?" Again, I told her that I didn't know the guy from Jeff Renner, so I really shouldn't say anything. I mentioned that he referred to every woman he used to date as "this one bitch," which seemed like something for shock value, showing me that he's got a front up. She says "No, I mean do you think he really drives a Honda?" I told her "No. I think he says that to appear humble so you'll f*ck him." Her reply? "Aaw, that's so sweet." Just be pretty, darling. Just be pretty.

I dated this woman for about 2 months a few years back. She was truly sweet-natured, but so incredibly insecure about her looks and her interpretations of my compliments that I felt like I was tripping over her Gucci emotional baggage. I had to call BS on it, because it wasn't anything I had packed for the trip. In a way, I was encouraging her to pick the bags up and figure out why they were so heavy, but her own past made her feel like she was in trouble, as if I was her father and the toys needed to come up off the Twister mat that her step-m0m and I and the Klobusnick's were gonna need later that night. I was looking for something more inside of her... pardon the pun... and I came up empty... to repeat myself...

Do looks matter when you're looking for a mate? Yeah, they do, and anybody who says they don't is a gorgeous liar. Everything fades. You can't look at anything, perfect or otherwise, for long without wondering what else there is to it. Looks matter. My looks matter to me, most of all, so I'm responsible for how I feel about me. But what matters more? That I left a good picture behind, or a thousand memorable quotes that make people laugh and learn and make out?

She was a gorgeous woman, and a hideous person. Too bad, too. Oh well, at least we did it.

You know who you are.
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Take Me Home

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Like I Care. WAIT, I Didn't Mean It Like That!!!

I had a showcase today for the Las Vegas Comedy Festival, which is the "Big K" brand of comedy festivals. There's Montreal, Aspen, Chicago, and Edinburgh, Scotland. Then it's a 100-story drop to the next tier of comedy festivals. Mostly local things like Bumbershoot and whatever else attracts aging hipsters with disposable income due to their inability to drop their "over it" facades long enough to let their f*cktools ease up and create a baby. DAMN I love them and their tortoise-shell spectacles.

So this festival is really for the newer guys on the mid-to-lower tiers of the comedy world. For the sake of pork, there were TWO prop/juggling duos in attendance. TWO. I wonder if they snipe the way most other comics do. Comedy is immediate justice: Joke, Laugh/No Laugh. But what of the juggling and prop comics? Do they see a team and think "Yeah, it WOULD take two of you to act like your pulling scarves out of your sleeve and the last one happens to look like your underwear and you act embarrassed, you hacks."? Who cares? I hate that crap.

I had a pretty good set. The comics were laughing, which is normally a bad sign, but they were the only crowd members, so I took it as a bene. Yay, doing comedy to a crowd of people who are thinking "F*CK YOU! LOSE. LOSE LOSE LOSE! FLUB IT. FLUB A LINE!" You could almost feel the apathy. I dug it.

So now I wait a few days to find out how things go. There are a couple more showcases for the judging group to attend, and then they'll post the results on their site. I have been to Las Vegas twice already this year. February sucked because I was setting a record for power-vomiting artichoke dip from the Harley Davidson Cafe. June was fun, then sucked, then was fun, then really sucked, and was nearly a waste of time. But hey, third time's a charm. I have to get new glasses.
Tortoise shell, natch.

Oh, and I learned this: Sometimes you make your best move by deciding you don't have to make a move at all. I decided last week that a move I may have to make will benefit me best if I do not move at all. In other words, never say more than you have to. And for crying out loud, tell your sister to quit calling me. You know who you are.
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Take Me Home

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1,000!?!?!?

Koko the Handsy Gorilla ("go-ree-ya" in Spanyish) recently notified her handlers that she was experiencing tooth pain. A dental team sprang into action, and gave her a full examination, extracted a tooth, and sent her on her banana-munching, language signing way.

Freak out here, because:
1) Koko knows over 1,000 "words," and it's been a LONG time since I had a vocabulary test.
2) Koko has more concern for her health than 60% of the people you know.
3) Koko has better dental coverage than you. Total cost: ZIP-POINT-SCHIDT


Not Sleepy, By Reason of Insomnia

I'm at work as I write this. It's 4:47 in the ay-em, and I'm not at all tired. DAMMIT. I came into work because I just cannot stay asleep. I've had insomnia bad this year. It started in April and still plagues me at least once a week, like a recurring nightmare, but one where I'm awake and at MOTHER-F'ING WORK. I'm sittin' here at my desk on a quick blog break, pausing from the work that has me staring at spreadsheets with millions of entries, making corrections to manager's minutia while they lie in repose and decadent silken pajamas. (waving clenched fist at spreadsheet) It's a combination of low-grade depression and hope, mixed with flouride and protein. Oh, and I drank a Diet Rockstar around 9:30 tonight. That's a lot of vitamin B to process, but hey, at least I'll know when it's out of my system.

The benefits are that I'm the only one here. I'm parked right by the door next to the handi-ramp (there are no wheelers in this building, but there's one guy who is a buffet trip away from knee-bucklage), and have the printers, bathrooms, microwave, and vending machines all to myself. I'm gonna take all the seat-covers from both bathrooms, put them in the printer and copier trays, then buy all the food I can afford out of the vending machine. Next, I'm labeling each item with my name on it and packing one rack of the community fridge with burritos, yogurt, and as much chocolate-flavored dairy beverage I can get my sheep-counting mitts on. And the other employees ("co-workers" sounds far too friendly) can't move it or throw it away, as that's destruction of personal property, AND AND AND… I'm gonna inventory all of it and make copies of it on the toilet seat covers and post the inventory on the fridge.

I'm feeling just fine, why do you ask? I can hear your thoughts. I can also hear the carpet whispering. HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE… WHY CAN'T I STOP CRYING?!?!?

ALL BETTER! Thank you Magic Hi-Liter. (psst, Magic Hi-Liter, show me where the leather desk chairs are and I'll hook you up with that red Sharpie one drawer down. She is NASTAY.)

The downside of this is that I will likely bottom out and crash like a Tom Arnold movie. Another downside is that sleep is all-important to me right now, as I am doing the best I can to handle stress without too much medication, be it professionally or self-prescribed. Sleep helps flush your body of cortisol and keep your fluids in check. Deprivation of anything for too long is systemically degrading, but sleep, oof, that's a big need for right now. I actually fell asleep about 1:30, dead-out, for an hour. Next thing I know it's 2:26 and my brain is crackling. I had a song, a joke, and 3 thoughts running through my head:
Song: "Every Thug Needs a Lady" by the Alkaline Trio
Joke: One of mine about not having regrets after a relationship. It's good, come see it.
Thoughts:
1) Am I going crazy?
2) I now release all stress and negativity.
3) Where are the dad-gum leather desk chairs at work?

So here I am, alone again while Magic Hi-Liter is retrieving my new, leather cube saddle, typing while I should be working on this spreadsheet. Even THAT is a ricockulous thing to put into words, that I should be working. I should be asleep, dern-blast it! I think I'm auditioning today for the Las Vegas Comedy Festival, but those f*cktards don't know how to post the proper information. Auditions are, according to their "information" (insert laughter) "Dates: August 9th-10th, Time: Aug.10th-12pm." The best I can gather is that the category I'm auditioning for is on the 10th, while the Comedy Club Pick (big show at Giggles, go if you can, 8:30pm) is today, the 9th. Check out their site, see if makes any sense to you: http://www.laughacrossamerica.com/htmls/laa_times.html#seattle

Okay, Magic Hi-Liter is back with my kick-ass new… DUDE, this is the passenger seat of my car! FAWK! I gotta go kick some Hi-Liter ass. He ripped the friggin' passenger seat out of my CAR! This is a bad-ass Hi-Liter. What was I thinking buying a Hi-Liter from the Talking Walnut??? I hope he gives me a concussion. I need SLEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Good morning to YOU.
I'll be up all week, try the Sominex.


The Day That One Thing Happened At Work

Fast forward now, 8:26 a.m., been awake for 22.5 of the last 24 hours. Retard next to me has her Office Assistant set to "kitty kitty kitten smitten OOOGY WOOGY!" and the thing meows when she does whatever to it. THERE'S A COMPUTER CAT NEXT TO ME, MEOWING. The only thing I hate more than real cats, are the loud asshole Ron who sits behind me, Sandie down the hall with the horrific cackling "laugh," and computer cats. I hate them because they are all short and just out of my kicking range. I want to kick all involved parties full-on face-side until bloodletting begins.

OH PLEASE LORD, I NEED TO SLEEP!!!
Bonus round: Being on salary means I only have to be here another 30 minutes. Then I can go home and black out in my hamper.
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Take Me Home

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Taking My Notebook and Going Home

I have this gig tomorrow night in Lake Stevens at Hawkeye's Pub, Grill, and Tire Shop, and I'm really excited for it. I'm headlining the show, and I've got this really good outlook on the show. I couldn't recite my setlist from memory, it changes each time, but I know that I'm going to kick the ass off this room. I haven't felt this excited for a show in a long time, as I have an opportunity to perform with two of my best friends, Shoogs B and Kilo G.

Why am I excited? Can't quite put the index to it, but lemme throw this at you: This is my first gig in 2 months. I've done shows, but nothing for pay on purpose. I have written so many new jokes in the past 3 weeks, mostly little one-liners and a few actual bits, that I'm ready to see how they fly. I am back to doing comedy regularly, and it's pretty gorilladad rad. I'm in the mindset that I wanna go in and destroy, riff off the audience, catch a vodka buzz and find a lickable local's sweet backside to shine the light of the Honeybaked upon. Yeah ladies, I'm not dating for a while, so if you'd like my attention, keep the necklines plunging and the hands properly moistened. I have ideas for ya.

For crying out loud, it's all just entertainment. People pay to see terrible bands, movies, food courts and a myriad of banality under the guise of "getting out of the house." Comedy is your answer, people. I kid you not. The movie you're watching today was the inspiration for a joke I wrote last year. The music you hear is being delineated from music and lineated to an intimate act involving a Viking woman and the handle bars from my Stu Thompson Huffy, circa 1984, which had the skill of kicking your ass! The food court you're noshing within is teeming with people you are mentally, and I am verbally, judging for their appearance. Laughter is good for you. Do it.


Rick James Dies. Drugs, Coke, Kidnapping NOT Involved... So Sad

Can't wait to see Dave Chappelle's take on this. That dickhole just got a 2-year, $50,000,000 contract with Comedy Central. They are aiming to grab Chris Rock-ish notoriety with this guy, who is likely the most poignant stand-up on TV today. Then again he's got writers. If you get a chance to see him live... GO DO IT.


More whenever...
Take Me Home

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Blog #100!!!

To comiserate my 100th blogging, I would like to thank all of you for your reading and support, when you gave it. It's both cool and weird to think that people are even moderately interested in what are, by own admission, intermittently banal ramblings. But hey, why not share some of my knowledge for the big 100 spot?

Things I Have Learned

1. Never start blogging.
2. If you do, unhinge your mind enough to realize that everyone, even people you like, may read something about themselves. You don't have to say everything that is on your fingers, but it makes it more entertaining.
3. This is the most passive-aggressive, bullcrap way to resolve differences, other than ignoring the target of your anger after 3rd period French.
4. Whatever you Are will be made clear in time. Facades never last, your true nature will come through. Maybe shinier, duller, angrier, or happier than you're pretending. So be yourself from the get-go, or keep up with your prescriptions.
5. If you're wondering when to introduce fisting, it is NOT "3-Mississippi."
6. I've had people come and go from my life, and I learned quite a few lessons about people. Refer to my point #4 above.
7. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, get a no-contact order.
8. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to walk away from something, and about 100-times more strength to advance on it. Sometimes, walking away IS advancing. Think about it. Then write me and tell me what the hell that means.
9. You can get a house with no money down! If you can, do that NOW before the rates go back up.
10. Sometimes when you do the right thing, afterwards, you don't feel so great. I suggest being at peace with yourself and your decision, or upping your fiber intake.
11. There's a good 25% of my comedy brain dedicated to high-brow dick&fart material. I pray that I never lose it.
12. If you don't have anything nice to say, blog it.
13. Having integrity, in the long run, is a great way to protect your reputation, and in some cases, your clean STD record.
14. Life really ain't nothing but bitches and money.
15. In a life where we all carry some baggage, beware of emotional pack-rats.

I suppose I could sit here all day and tell you about what I've learned this year, but that could go on for like 3-4 more points.

Dropping The Bomb
Perspective. Perception. Persimmon. Found of Def-Jam Records Russell Simmons. Richard Simmons. Richard Harris. Harrison Ford. Fart noise, and cue the laugh track.

Perspective and Perception, the Yin and Yang to my emotional Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker. Er... yeah, stick with me. Perspective, a point of view. Perception, your judgment of a point of view. Realism and Surrealism. I'm a realist to the core. I'd rather be told the straight dope from somebody, but f*ck if most people know the straight dope. They rarely give you a truly honest statement. It's going to be tainted by their own perception, and it skews both your and their perspectives.

For example, if you think that people are always looking out for you, you'll be appreciative of friends who pull you aside and say "Not to break up the ensemble, but your shirt doesn't match the booger hanging from your nose." Maybe they've tried to get your attention with a few mimed nose-clearing techniques from across the juice bar. Or maybe they just ran into you and they want to make sure you aren't going to be embarrassed meeting new people with a jumper on the ledge. You have the right to present your best self to the world, and your pal has helped you do just that. Blow your nose, then thank them.

Now flip the scenario, emotionally. Let's say your friend has a sensitive, if not properly calibrated, emotional Geiger counter. They think most things said to them are there to hurt their feelings, so they have a bit of a lead wall up between themselves and a world they see as radioactive. Telling them they may want to grab a tissue is seen as a personal attack, a flaw-finding mission, checking for boogers of mass embarrassment.
Trust issues, intimacy issues, growing a tail issues, the world is out to hurt them! First of all, you didn't do this to them. They were in a test range long before they flew onto your radar. Second, as much as you may like or even love them, it's going to be VERY hard for you to get through that wall of theirs. They may leave the door unlocked, but if you approach it they'll run to lean against it, thinking you are pulsing with radioactive nose-bats, and asking themselves over and over "Friend or Brain-loving Zombie?" It's best to let the half-life run its course and passively observe them through the viewing window. Especially with that thing in their nose.

SWEET
Mary Kay Letourneau is out of jail today! I'm way too old for her. She's a seriously messed up woman, there's something weird there. It's like some perverted "Highlander," traveling across the ages to carry the seed of a drug-using half-wit, Vili "Little Bunny" Fuulau, who's been fired from numerous Fast Food jobs. Who the F gets fired from fast food? You just don't show up, you don't hang in there and dare them to fire your visor-wearing retardedness. Even the kid with the extra chromosome can hold a job in fast food!

Experts worried that the encounter would cause a landslide of life problems for the young teacher-f*cker. He's also experimented with drugs & alcohol, fathered two daughters with Mary Kay, and spent time in a psychiatric treatment center. Remember, he's from Burien. They think you're gay if you don't have two kids by Senior Prom. He's normal, especially for a kid who's dad wasn't around and who's mom never disciplined him. Public education didn't fail him, birth control did.

I'm out. See you in Lake Stevens this Saturday
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Take Me Home

See My New Blog About My Dad (heads-up, it's not about comedy)

Why I Can't Stand Boston Ron and No-Makeup Sandie

1) He whistles:  Nothing in particular, just making noise to make noise.
2) He desk-drums with one hand and a writing implement:  Nothing you would recognize, like "You Say It's Your Birthday" or the opening solo from "Hero" by the Foo Fighters.  Noise for the sake of noise.
3) He speaks in hyperbolic analogies:  In the past 3 weeks, he has equated negotiating software agreements with:
     a)  Bringing down the Berlin Wall
     b)  Fighting in the streets of Iraq
     c)  Removing cancerous growths from your heart
     d)  Buying Happy Meals
There is no correlation to which analogy is delivered to which person, so a guy from India could hear the Happy Meal spiel even though they don't eat beef.  See, Boston Ron's a f*cking GENIUS, people. You are not on his wavelength.  He's an Analogy Savant!
4) That motherf*cking WHISTLING
5) Speakerphone Usage:  Leaving his door open, anywhere between 10 and 50 people could hear every word of his conversations.  I've taken to sitting in his office while he's on the phone.  Hell, I'm hearing it anyway, may as well get front row for the show.
6) His Open Door Policy:  It's always open, even if he's talking to an impotant client or lambasting someone for using a more poignant analogy than his.  People overcame the need for constantly open doorways by inventing the door.  Quickly following the door? KNOCKING.  Close it, leave it closed.  Stew in your own gas.  Shut up.
7) He is painfully short:  The guy's 5'3", tops.  He walks really fast because it makes his legs look longer.  To me it looks like he's saying to himself "Too short to live, too fast to die" or "Short man, short pants."  Over and over.  He's a bulldog of a human, and by that I mean he resembles the move where a guy tucks his party bits back between his legs, and we're looking at it from behind.  WHOA-HO HOOOOO Terrier Ron.  Imagine Fred Flintstone and Cousin Eddie from "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" going double-team on Roseanne.  The baby is in the office behind me.

Sandie:
1)  This chick looks like Ron, but with breastfeeding-deflated cans and a penchant for pastel capris and floral shirts, just this side of Hawaiian-femme.
2)  She has the most annoying laugh in the world.  It makes Fran Drescher's sound like angels humming "I Wanna Hold Your Hand," to your mouth and suffocate you.  And...
3)  She thinks EVERYTHING is funny, which means she has a sense of humor perfect for being dense to the feelings of others.  Oh she knows when to order a 6-foot sub and can really coordinate a potluck, which matters most to my checkbook, but gawd forbid she not quote Monty Python three times a day.

Sandie, Ron, we get it.  You're both short.  You're both not funny.  You're both too loud.  IN fact... I've never seen the two of you in the same room at the same time... 

Laters, masturb@tors,
Geoff

Take Me Home

In Case Anyone Asks...
 
I first began performing stand-up because I thought I could do it.  I saw the local scene, TV and the like, and figured I could make people laugh.  Turns out I was right.  I didn't get into it after seeing local shows and think "Yeah, that guy's funny.  I want to be his friend.  I bet he can get me gigs in Wenatchee for $75!!!"

I continue to perform because I like to do so, I like the challenge of writing something new and honing it to be a perfectly worded, totally unique statement of my idea of "funny."  I like hearing people laugh at something I wrote.  I like that there are people I know personally who are 100 times funnier than I am, yet they remain humble in their own existence.  I like that a couple of times I have resolved differences with my peers face-to-face, like adults.  That shows a respect for each other.  And if there's someone I can't stand to be around and they're a pain in my ass, I let them know, and if they don't move, I do. 

I'm not in this to rub shoulders with comedy-famous comedians.  I could really give a crap what any other monologist thinks of me, but it's nice that they respect me.  I'm not in this to be loved.  There's a lot of superfluous bull that I wade through every time I'm in a club, like second-hand smoke - waving frantically just makes it swirl about and I look stupid.  I can stay away from it, but if I want inside, it's gonna be there.  I'm in this because I fell in love with it, and I want to make an ASSLOAD of money for me efforts.  In the end, Funny Wins.

Punchline:  I am in this for me, because of something inside that drives me to it.  And there is not a club owner, a fire hazard, a headliner, a handicap, a hack, or a harlot that could keep me away from doing it.  I'll find a place to do it, always, as long as I'm making people laugh more than not. 

Take Me Home

Totally Grossed Out

Neighbor lady at work is eating yogurt.  I know she is because she's been scraping the sides of the cup for a good 10 minutes, and I swear I can hear every molecule of spittle in her mouth tear apart, strand from strand as she opens her mouth the glu-glu-glorp down another plastic spoonful of what is probably some really cheap, disgusting pool of acidophilus and live cultures.  Maybe her yeast is up.  Yogurt can help balance a woman's body, as woman's bodies are delicately balanced organisms designed for life-giving, nurturing, and not being funny.

I know we all gotta shove food into the old snack hole and I don't know many people who look really attractive doing it.  But sitting here listening to the feeding of a snackpack-focused, cardigan-loving, earth momma with a penchant for arm-waxing and talking to bark, damned, it's all I could do to not force myself upon a baby seal on her desk just to hear something other than the slap, smack, smap of the inside of her chomp bucket.  That's why horses wear feedbags, because they have long faces and can't use a spoon for snackpacking.
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Dude, Where's My Career?

I think it's a good thing that I'm single right now.  I have a lot of things going on, from my job to the new show to a diabolical plan at work to gas my cube neighbors out.  I've developed a keen knack for being able to do 4 hours of work in just under 1 week.  Do you understand what kind of commitment it takes to "playing the part" of a Go Team Go!'er while being emotionally detached from all around you?  Of course you do!  You watch TV.  It's like that.  I set the mental VCR and have therefore lost any and all intent to stay up with the current events of a floundering company.  Actually, here's what we're doing in the next month:
July 30: SHORTS DAY!  That's right, we can all wear shorts to work on the hot day, if we want to.  This totally underlies the fact that 50% of the people here wear shorts all of the time, and those shorts aren't up to dress code.  Yesterday some pile was wearing basketball shorts and a tank top at his desk, and no, he ain't no baller.  Last month "Wacky Hat" day took the place of shorts Day.  Next month it's "Favorite Team Jersey" day, then FINALLY we have Tolo. 
 
Aug 6:  Employee Appreciation Day!  There's going to be a giant BBQ over in Redmond to celebrate and thank all employees of Schmireless for all the hard work they've put in while the Officers of the company flew it into the side of a mountain.  That's okay, because the magical country of "Offshore" has supplied us with a rescue team to manage all systems that we "Onshore" people could manage , were it not for our childish needs of sleep, food, and regular bathing.  They don't sustain on things like that in Offshore, and they'll work for metaphorical chickpeas (which is what's been in my 401K the past 6 weeks) so the tradeoff seems good.  Offshore, by the way, is a nation full of people who observe a deep reverence for the Cow, seeing it as sacred, while our event planners see it as perfectly delicious to serve to them at the BBQ.  DO YOU. UNDERSTAND. WHAT IT MEANS. TO WORK HERE?   If they were to eat their god, can you imagine how powerful they may become?  You thought Curry had overwhelming power.  In the meantime: Surrounded by the blind leading the oblivious.
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I'm out.
Thanks for reading my schit.

Take Me Home

What a Week
 
Last week I lost my cell phone and my girlfriend and I broke up.  Work sucked.  But comedy RULED.  What do I have?
I have a job, comedy, and just got my cell phone replaced.  I sat down and recounted my last relationship and found a lot of things I could've/should've done differently.  But there were two people involved, so I think that even if I had done those things differently I would only have felt a wee bit better after our break-up.  This is not high school nor early 20's.  I'm a grown man with skills and a fair degree of self-enlightenment.

In other words, I'm beyond stalking or harrassing her.  For crying out loud, she lives 75 miles away.  I ain't burnin' no gas without a little some'in'-some'in' waitin' fo' me. 
And if you want some real honesty, keep readin' this blog.  Brutality awaits.

 
Take Me Home

If you haven't ever seen "This Is Spinal Tap," go get it.  BUY, do not rent, BUY the Platinum Edition.   
Christ, when you hear that their second drummer died from choking on vomit, but it wasn't his own, and you can't really dust for vomit... you have begun to live
Then see "Office Space" and "The Office," both seasons, and you'll know where the hell I'm coming from.

Take Me Home

Before I Get Outta Here

Hey, I lost my cell phone yesterday. It sucks. My cell phone is like a satellite-fed IV of security. To quote, and not STEAL FROM, Marc Maron, "Don't worry, I'll get Jewy in a second." No, wait, it was, "What am I going to do? The satellite won't find me, and someone I probably don't want to talk to can't call me!" At this time of day I usually get calls from one person who probably won't be calling me for a while for reasons I ain't gonna be discussing up on this blog, so y'all bettah just get out ma FACE widdat.
And PigTit Forbid that I actually remember phone numbers. 90% of the time over the past 5.5 years I've been dialing and receiving calls by name. Who changed their name to 1-206-255-5551? Weirdos.

I still have my home phone, but I pay like 10-cents a minute for long distance and since I live in Kenmore EVERYTHING, from my friends to my dreams, is long distance. Luckily I have a calling card with long distance minutes on it. Best present you can give a guy in jail... what? Nevermind. I have like 600 of those left. Better dig that out of the coupon envelope.

Outlaw store-specific discount cards. Drop your price. DROP IT. NOW. Refer to my earlier blog on Debit Card readers for why I think any more cards will just halt civilization.

If you wanna reach me, send me an email at GeoffLottRules@yahoo.com. If you know my home# call me there. Make sure I haven't gone crazy in all of the, you know... SILENCE. Take care, sweet little freedom turtles.

Oh, and damn near everyone I work with carries on conversations that seem to come right out of the pages of Eddie Bauer. Wow, Curt, you and your wife went to your brother's house and did What, you say? You had a... hmm, a Bar Be Cue? My my my, that IS exciting. Is this the brother with one testicle or the one who's girlfriend f*cked a tow-truck driver in your tent last Memorial Day? Sorry, I shouldn't pry, but you're f*cking boring, you boring f*cking bore. And nobody cares that you named your son Icarus, except your son for the next 14 years. YOUR HEAD REMINDS OF A PENIS. Which reminds me, your eyes are too close together.

And short Boston guy? SHUT YOUR F*CKING DOOR. I think I'm going to come sit in your office whenever you are on the phone. It's so loud anyway, I may as well have a front row seat for your "banalogies." WOW, you equated the negotiation of software contracts with the conflict in Iraq. You've offended not only whomever you're conversating with, but also the parents of every person, regardless of nation of origin, and the kind folks at "Learn To Complete A Sentence NOW!" instructional software. F*CK, dude, you shouldn't be on Xanax. You ain't fun when your chems are balanced. Get the stomach flu and shit yourself comatose.

YES, in fact, I DO need a nap.
Bye!
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Take Me Home

Check out my New Blog. Beware, it is NOT funny.

My friend Jimmy Leedo was supposed to blog for me today but his house-arrest got canceled for a repeat offense. I don't even know why he was on H-A in the first place, maybe he will share that with us when he can write.

Anyway, I'm going to be incommunicado for a week or so, and Jimmy, an old friend from my formative years, will be blogging in my place. E-mail me if he gets too weird or out of line.

Laters, taters.

Take Me Home

Must we have 5,936 different styles of Debit/Credit Card readers?

Customer Usage Negotiation Technician: "Push the button. The green one, that starts it. The red one will, no, see you pushed the green one twice, now you've killed a one-eyed kitten. Nice going Pushy.
"Okay, hit the green button ONCE, okay? Wait a second.
It usually takes a second."

Me: "Hmm.. I actually have the cash here, let's just ..." BEEP

CU: "Okay NOW hit the Debit button and slide your card through. The stripe has to face North or... nope, that was South. You're getting ass zits as we speak.
Try it again. There you go, it wasn't that hard was it???
Okay so now punch in your PIN number."

Me: "It's PIN, not PIN number. N in PIN stands for 'number.' "

CU: "Like you matter. Okay, here we go. Wow, you're buying a lot of different lotions. Dry skin?"

Me: "None of your business?"

CU: "Do you want cash back to buy stuff for your lotion party?"

Me: "Yes, I'll take $50."

CU: "Ooh, the warming kind of lotion. Spicy one, you are. Tell me in a second when I ask you again. I'm in a pattern of not listening to what people say to me."

Me: "That explains the neck brace."

CU: "Do you want lotion on your palms for $50?"

Me: "What?"

CU: "Cash back?"

Me: "Yes, $50 please."

CU: "Ooooh, still whoring about, are ya? Well push the button under the denomination of bills and country of origin you'd like the currency to come from."

Me: "What? $50 from THIS country, America. What's going on here?"

CU: "Here you go. Enjoy your day."

Me: "This is $50 worth of Chuck E. Cheese tickets. Get your manager over here."

CU: "I am the manager."

Me: "Of course you are. I should have guessed from the bright eye make-up and look of hopelessness in your eye. Nice brow, by the way. Stout."

CU: "What seems to be the problem?"

Me: "You just gave me $50 in pizza parlor raffle tickets..."

CU: "Are you asking me out?"

Me: "What? Uh... no, I just want my $50, American, in 20s and 10s. I'm in a hurry, this is giving me a massive stomach ache."

CU: "Well why didn't you say so?"

Me: "I did. Twice. And now I think I'm going to explode, let's do this."

CU: "Ahem..."

Me: "What?"

CU: "You need to push the blinking purple button twice, then hit 5 then 0, then... did you just move?"

Me: "Uh, yeah. I'm standing on a candy lump of some sort."

CU: "I thought so. The system's down now. Nice job."

Me: "Look, here's cash for my lotions and whetting stone. I gotta go."

CU: "Thanks for shopping here! Can you fill out this Customer Feedback card?"

Me: "Sure thing... Where's your men's room?"
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Take Me Home

What Do You Mean, You "forgot?"
You should read this post every day.

You mean, that guy was a real cop? I thought he just like mirrored sunglasses.

Think you got out of paying the city of Seattle for that 10-year-old parking ticket? Guess again.

Maybe I Deserved It

The past week has been lively. I've been all over the map with comedy stylings. I've been in a few heated scenarios in my personal life. My work life is, well Work. I had a few old habits pop up that put me into old, familiar positions and I'm not really happy with them. Nothing can hurt worse than making the same mistake again. I should know when it isn't "just gas." Forget that part...

Friday night at The Chuckle Lounge I went up to a relatively "off" room and had a good set. I didn't do much of the new material because it's not fully worked out yet. That's comic-speak for "I'm a lazy ass." More on that in a moment.

Saturday I was off to Cle Elum with M, to attend her friend's wedding. It was at a Ranch over there, and before you laugh at the fact that it was on a ranch, let me tell you this: It was gorgeous. Everyone had a good time. People were drinking not only before, but DURING the ceremony. The people were all very cool, nobody being unnecessarily bitchy or annoying. There's nothing quite like a wedding where the bride is whistled at while walking down the aisle, and the photographer gets heckled with "Hey, down in front." Then we went camping.

About 1 in the morning I was up and moving a bit to use the bathroom (a.k.a. sitka spruce nearest the tent), and hopped out of our tent. We were kind of no where you'd heard of, in a place I couldn't imagine even existing. Looking skyward I swear I saw every star ever created. No ambient light out there. No cities. No smog. No back-yard bonfires consuming the last of a philandering husband's $1500 Armani suits. Just M, me, a blanket, and a few minutes under the stars. You really need to get to the ocean or the middle of the state and camp out one night and see the stars. They are so bright, so clustered together, so perfectly positioned in the sky, like a billion Chinese people looking for asylum on our shores. A billion shiny Chinese people.

Sunday was fun, too. Taking our time back from Cle Elum, we swung by Snoqualmie Falls, and hiked down to the bottom to get a full view. The walk down: FUN. The walk up: BUN. As in BUN BURN. Good lord, my legs and Honeybaked are sore today. Feels pretty good. And that was about it for the weekend... oh wait... Instead of the original plan of getting home early to get on with the day, a quick phone call turned from a lunch invite to a boating invite. An hour later we're heading to Lake Stevens to head out on M's friend's Nate's boat. We cruised around in the sun for a few hours, and I went a couple of turns on the towing tube. My neck, shoulders, arms and legs are sore. I feel like I went three dates with Anna Nicole.

So anyway, that was my weekend. I know, it may seem boring, but I'll tell you this: The party has not started until the 27" chainsaw comes out.

YEE-FAWKING-HA HA HA


Take Me Home

Picture This

Dude, your dog's leaking tranny fluid on the new throw.

As a man, this explains why he was so good at thinking for others.

Nature Vs. Nurture

Interesting topic, I'd say. First of all, this debate goes on forever about whether or not a person's environment will overcome a genetic predisposition for addiction and/or gout. Some say "Save the environment" while some go Big Oil and drill until the black and icky oozes through.

Odd topic to think of this morning, but valid. I think if you see enough examples of love and appreciation and happiness and the right way to handle a drunk grandma, you'll know that you take her keys and get her a ride home. You do NOT steal her wallet and slap her on the Depends.

Some people have an innate sense of right. Some people have an innate sense of right and wrong. Some people only like dick & fart jokes, and that's wrong. But what is Right when everything is going wrong? A few years ago at the 30th Anniversary of Woodstock there was a massive riot over the cost of water and refreshments. Some "Hippies neuveaux" cried "HARSH, dudes!" over the melee, citing that Woodstock was NOT about destruction and chaos. But then again, this was the first time Woodstock had both Limp Bizkit and the Red Hot Chili Peppers on the bill. And it's the first time that concessionaire's were ripping kids off with $5 bottles of water in 100+ degree heat, and charging more for less. Kickin' much business ass ensued (they're insured, by the way, explaining why they got the Hot out of Dog in a flash). Survival of the thirstiest. Don't they see Mtn. Dew commercials? Extreme, dudes.

So now think of it this way. We're all born perfect and innocent, and then life, doctors, school, media, society, and most importantly, PARENTS, f*ck that up for us before we know where to find the guns and dark bibles. Our brains get wired with the messages we'll carry the rest of our lives as we paddle about in kiddie pools and high chairs, car pools and booster chairs, looking to the Adult's Table for validation over a little bit of white meat and the neighbor's brave yet baffling stuffing. (Who the f*ck puts cherries in STUFFING?)

And as the adults ignore our pleas to be excused because the neighbor's 2nd grader just shat himself for the third time today (more than once and it's just for attention, lucky bastard) we sit there and wonder if this is all we're worth. Dry meat, fruited bread lumps, and the lumpy Toughskins of an attention starved Muppet fanatic: This is my childhood?

Now we want to get away from a rough situation there, but maybe mom won't let us, says it's rude, impolite, etc. So we sit there and squirm in the rank of Lumpskins and Toughstuff, and then get in trouble for squirming. Next thing you know you are 25 years old and can't figure out why you can only date women who don't want you to get too close to them. Your nature is to be attracted to them, but you're nurtured to think you're not good enough for it.

Make any sense? If so, thanks for reading. If not, call your parents and figure out why.

Fed Up,
G
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Take Me Home

It's Like Christmas Where Santa Takes It All and Thumbs You In The Manger

Back from Las Vegas, or as many people call it, "FAWKIN' 20???" What a trip! I cruised down there by plane with M and her family, as M's aunt was getting married. I highly recommend a Vegas wedding if you'd rather have a good time that day instead of planning things way in advance and spending a ton of money. A 7 minute ceremony was followed by a 12-hour jaunt through Vegas. Got back to our room at 10 am... here's the haps.

First of all the booking for the trip was haywire. I was invited a couple weeks ago, and I felt pretty good about that because this was a very Family-Oriented thing as I was told, even though nobody in the family is Oriental. Hmm...
Almost every hotel in Vegas was sold out according to most websites. We got trapped with some lat booking issues, leaving us only a few options for lodging. We ended up in a hole which should have only schidt put in it. Ultimately we are all in control of our own destiny so anything we encounter may be of our own doing. However, the place we stayed in was see-ock. Gross. Freakin' HORRENDOUS. Imagine the WORST motel room you can think of... Got it?
Now, remove the dead hooker from under the bed.
Take the hypodermic needle out of the pillow.
No, no, that horrendous ass/Febreeze smell stays.
Same with the bedspread, that's the flag of welfare lodging, that stays put.
Yeah, so it was a "2 star" hotel? It was a "2 star" hotel. I wanted to move, we all did, but instead we stayed out all night both nights, walked and drank and gambled. Here's a lesson for you Vegas go-ers...

BOOK EARLY AND STAY ON THE STRIP.

It may cost a little more, but you will save in cab rides and be able to sleep at night without waking up screaming 'TAKE THE MONEY! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP HITTING ME WITH A CHEESE GRATER!' You will have a nice pool and enough towels to outfit a hindu swim team. (That was a good one) You'll have a restaurant and gaming tables and you won't be taking pictures of yourself flipping the bird to the building, nor pointing disgustedly at the mold... THE MOLD... around the tub.

Oh, and eat at Le Café in the Paris.
One more thing. It's 81 in Seattle today. It was 103 in Vegas.
No com-friggin'-plaining, ya whiny schidts.

More later.
Viva Lost Wages.

Take Me Home