What You Are Laughing At

Why I Can't Stand Boston Ron and No-Makeup Sandie

1) He whistles:  Nothing in particular, just making noise to make noise.
2) He desk-drums with one hand and a writing implement:  Nothing you would recognize, like "You Say It's Your Birthday" or the opening solo from "Hero" by the Foo Fighters.  Noise for the sake of noise.
3) He speaks in hyperbolic analogies:  In the past 3 weeks, he has equated negotiating software agreements with:
     a)  Bringing down the Berlin Wall
     b)  Fighting in the streets of Iraq
     c)  Removing cancerous growths from your heart
     d)  Buying Happy Meals
There is no correlation to which analogy is delivered to which person, so a guy from India could hear the Happy Meal spiel even though they don't eat beef.  See, Boston Ron's a f*cking GENIUS, people. You are not on his wavelength.  He's an Analogy Savant!
4) That motherf*cking WHISTLING
5) Speakerphone Usage:  Leaving his door open, anywhere between 10 and 50 people could hear every word of his conversations.  I've taken to sitting in his office while he's on the phone.  Hell, I'm hearing it anyway, may as well get front row for the show.
6) His Open Door Policy:  It's always open, even if he's talking to an impotant client or lambasting someone for using a more poignant analogy than his.  People overcame the need for constantly open doorways by inventing the door.  Quickly following the door? KNOCKING.  Close it, leave it closed.  Stew in your own gas.  Shut up.
7) He is painfully short:  The guy's 5'3", tops.  He walks really fast because it makes his legs look longer.  To me it looks like he's saying to himself "Too short to live, too fast to die" or "Short man, short pants."  Over and over.  He's a bulldog of a human, and by that I mean he resembles the move where a guy tucks his party bits back between his legs, and we're looking at it from behind.  WHOA-HO HOOOOO Terrier Ron.  Imagine Fred Flintstone and Cousin Eddie from "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" going double-team on Roseanne.  The baby is in the office behind me.

Sandie:
1)  This chick looks like Ron, but with breastfeeding-deflated cans and a penchant for pastel capris and floral shirts, just this side of Hawaiian-femme.
2)  She has the most annoying laugh in the world.  It makes Fran Drescher's sound like angels humming "I Wanna Hold Your Hand," to your mouth and suffocate you.  And...
3)  She thinks EVERYTHING is funny, which means she has a sense of humor perfect for being dense to the feelings of others.  Oh she knows when to order a 6-foot sub and can really coordinate a potluck, which matters most to my checkbook, but gawd forbid she not quote Monty Python three times a day.

Sandie, Ron, we get it.  You're both short.  You're both not funny.  You're both too loud.  IN fact... I've never seen the two of you in the same room at the same time... 

Laters, masturb@tors,
Geoff

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