It's Valentine's Day. An antiquated day that is perpetuated by lovesick secretaries and the Hallmark's and Yankee Candle Companies they split time between on Friday nights.
Love is not now nor should ever be a once-a-year thing. You should be showing people you love and care for them every Tuesday if not twice a week. What's your problem? You want some ass, don't you? Get in the game, but be subtle. Raising an eyebrow when asking, "So... wanna, you know... see a movie?" is the '05 equivalent of flashing. People have gotten lazier, so you have to go one notch over that. Still waters run deep, but so do a big girl's drawers. I've learned so much from my Grampa. Grampa The Butt. Grampa Bay F*ckaneer. The Gromper! Beer me!
You're not out of love, you're not lost without me.
You wanna know what love is, you want me to show you.
First off, you have to love yourself. If you don't love yourself, you're not going to be able to share it with anyone else. Do you love yourself? You should. Because if you don't love yourself, then nobody does, and that's a sad life to live.
Second, do you even WANT to be involved with someone? When I met my girlfriend, I didn't have a choice, I was going to be with her whether or not she had pepper spray left. But sometimes you get taken by surprise in that you have spent the last 3 evenings hanging out with someone. You didn't realize it until someone pointed out to you "Hey, that's a really gross hickey." So if you are enjoying the company of someone, don't get rattled. Just make sure you are fed and rested and properly bathed and groomed in the event there is a need to box your truffles.
Thirdth, get that hickey looked at, gaack.
Fourdth, identify and write down what you absolutely will NOT put up with in a relationship. Count them up. You're really picky, huh? Now toss that and pass your "interest" some of your biscuits on the second date, Maude. Is it going to get weird? What, like you don't know, after all the havoc you've wrought in people's love-lives? Yeah, it's gonna get weird, especially when you suggest "Why don't you put this on?" (reaching for the Lando Calrissian mask)
Fifth, get so drunk that you hallucinate about crapshack rats and call it a night. You're a mess, you hickey-ripened Billy Dee Williams ho-bag.
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Happy Valentine's Day.
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Take Me Home
My Blog About My Dad
Geoff Lott: Comedian, Writer, Philosoteur. I am here to amuse you, not entertain you. If not now, later. If not you, somebody else. If you can't laugh at yourself, that's just fine, too. I will do it for you.
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