News You Can Abuse

Much of this came from the Q13 News website. They do care about us, afterall.
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Starting off Right:
Get Spyware off Your PC Now!
Spybot is great at doing this, it's helped me in times of trouble.
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LIST OF "SCHWAN'S" PRODUCTS NOW BEING RECALLED, JUST IN TIME FOR THE CHINESE NEW YEAR!
Recalled products that were sold in grocery stores nationwide may contain harmful pieces of glass, as opposed to the more beneficial organic shards.
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-20 ounce packages of Tony's Pizza Twists in Sausage andPepperoni, each package bears the date code 384313.
-Eleven ounce packages of Pagoda white meat chicken egg roll.Each package bears the date code 384313.
-Eleven ounce packages of Pagoda Savory pork and vegetable eggroll. With the date code 384313
-Eleven ounce packages of the Pagoda Sweet and sour chicken eggroll, with the date code 384-313.
-6-point-4 ounce packages of Pagoda savory pork mini egg rolls,with the date code 384314.
-6-point-4 ounce packages of the Pagoda white meat chicken miniegg rolls, with the date code 384314.
-And eleven ounce packages of the Pagoda Southwest style Chicken eggrolls, with the date code 384313.
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Considering that you're eating frozen eggrolls, along with the unmentioned frozen mini-tacos, you're likely not concerned about mixing glass into your diet. My fave is the last one.
Pagoda... Southwest Style... Chicken... eggrolls. Pagoda = Japanese. Southwest = Mexican. Chicken = Urban. Eggrolls = Safeway China Express. It just doesn't fit.
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We Report to You:
Home Test Warning The Food and Drug Administration is warning people that certain home tests for pregnancy, HIV and drugs may not be legitimate. The test kits are made by Globus Media, based in Canada. They are not approved for sale in the U.S. If you've used these kits, get retested, (then sterilized):
Rapid H-I-V;
Rapid Syphilis One Step Cassette Style
Cocaine Test One Step Cassette Style
Marijuana One Step Cassette Style
Amphetamine Rapid
Dengue Fever One Step Midstream Urine test (??? are you shitting me???)
Pregnancy Test
Find out more at http://youaresooooof*cked.org
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A teen in Idaho was recently scalped.
I wish I was kidding. A 16 year-old girl was scalped by a 26 year-old woman who had deemed some of the 16 year-old's behavior as disrespectful of women.
The 16 year-old, who had a mohawk haircut before the close shave, and the 26 year-old, now facing possibly 14 years of prison sex, were both part of a group that deemed the mohawk a sign of strength and respect for one's self and their group. The 16 year-old did "something" and the 26 year-old made violently sure there would never be a mohawk on that girl's head again.
Make all the jokes you want, please, because I can't think of any that really sum up how weird this whole story is. I've seen a number of haircuts that made me want to shave someone's head, but never have I pulled a Lakota Sioux DaySpa on a person.

In related news...
The British Open will allow Transsexual golfers. Yep, the Ladies British Open will allow transsexual golfers to compete. Well, openly transsexual women, is what it should say.
Tee up your jokes now.
First submission: "It's the only way to lose a club and two balls, and still get a hole in one!"
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Uh... Believe it or Not. I Don't Care.
When Penis Met Vagina
GERMANY -- A local couple went to a fertility clinic here in Lubek when they were unable to have children. After a battery of tests showed they were both fertile, doctors finally discovered the problem: The ultra-religious pair had never copulated and had no idea how it was done. "We're not talking about retarded people here," said one doctor of the husband, 36, and wife, 30. "They were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate." This discovery also helped clear up a lot of the problems the not-so-bright couple were having earlier with their toaster.
(ed. note: NOW try and debate the fact that Germans are aliens)
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Net Job
UNITED KINGDOM -- It's hard to meet women in bars, and prostitutes can be rather iffy. So a British teenager went another route when he wanted to pop his cherry: David Vardy, 19, auctioned off his virginity on the Internet. The Bournemouth University student received more than 7,000 hits from women around the world, and bids reached nearly $11,000. "The ideal situation would be if it was a really nice woman," said Vardy.
(ed. note: Good for him. He's not giving it away free to some randy Pre-Trig T.A. like these American kids. Europe's way smarter than us.)
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And Finally...
Today is really gorgeous out. Sunny. Clear blue skies. And we in the Puget Sound area are stuck at desks, indoors, and if you're like me, listening to yet another discussion about Caesarean vs. Vaginal birth. I work for a Mobile Communication Company, BTW, so yeah, that fits. 1/3rd of the office is sick as a frat pledge on Seis de Mayo. They're not out of the office, mind you, they're just ill and coughing, sniffling, sneezing, running, dripping, horking, snorfing, wheezing, aching, and oozing like a similie/metaphor-laden comedy routine.

I'm going to leave my desk at 2pm today, and not return, most likely, until Friday morning. There really isn't much more I can do to divert this company's progress. My new boss, however, is all about holding up progress. I wrote a 2-page proposal at his request. He now wants to meet tomorrow afternoon at 2:30 to discuss it. Wow, this "Open Door Management" has seriously pussy-willowed managers these days. He's got the power to fire me for no reason, yet he cannot make a decision that costs zero dollars to affirm or negate.

Right-click, Save As... "timewaste.dic"
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