Dearest Ashlee...

Simpson.

About 17 minutes ago I woke up on the floor, thinking I was in Heaven. There was your voice, in my head, like it always is. But it was not Heaven. It was merely my parent's basement, and I'm still alive. I am your biggest fan, and at 37 years old, probably your oldest. I have numerous personality disorders, from paranoia to schizophrenia to being your biggest fan to paranoia. And something you said tonight on your show made so much sense to all three of us.

You said that after the world accused you of lyp-singing on Saturday Night Live you were worried that your career would be over. You said these words, that you "had worked really hard for everything you have." I am so happy you said that, because the world now knows the truth. All this time the world has mistakenly thought that you had merely rode your sister Jessica's (or as I call her, "the first to die on our wedding night") wave of fame. The world thought you had been pushed into the big world of fame and riches without having any real talent. The world thought you had been handed the keys to the money car on rich time street by your dad, who is the second one to die on our wedding night. The world thought you couldn't sing without a backup track backing up your singing. But you told them "NO!" And that gets a big "YES" from me.

Even when 80 thousand people booed at you during the Orange Bowl, you haven't given up. Even with all the media ignoring you and what you do, you still get out there and stir things up by breaking up with Ryan Caberra (third to die on our wedding night) and being ready to come to me when you are ready. No matter how much the world doesn't care about you, you will show them you DO care about being a singer, as it was what you were BORN to do. You could not do anything better than you do when you sing. Like when I'm translating your songs into Klingon for my basement karaoke that you will sing with me on our wedding night, it's what is the most right and natural thing to do.

So don't listen to people who don't like you, even if they would be happy if you'd never record another song. They are going to die when we have our wedding night. You are the amazing singer, better than Britney, who NEVER writes back and ALWAYS calls the cops too fast, even if we're just sleeping on her porch and being totally quiet. So keep recording songs, because I feel like you are speaking to us when you do, like we have something in common.

sÿ(¹¿KLYß!!! ("Marry Me!!!" in Klingon, but you already knew that from the dictionary I wrote for you),
R.T. Fullenbush

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Ashlee Simpson IS America. Delusional yet blindly confident in non-existent talents. And rich as a mofo. I can't wait until she gives William Hung herpes at Carson Daly's "Raising The Big JC" Easter blow-out.
And if you think I'm the only one blowing smoke, check THIS out!
The Stop Ashlee Petition!
And at the same time, how would it feel to have over 300,000 people publicly denouncing your career, and often, your existence, while you have yet to hit your 20th birthday?

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