Tsunami? You Barely Know Me! (or, "Tsunamis Hate Our Freedom")

As you read this, the White House is listening to chatter on an impending tsunami against any of this great nation's strategic (i.e. economically strong) areas of patriotic (i.e. money grabbing) interest. I'm so far to the right of left, but still left of the Right, that even I think this is a complete snowjob, but with ocean water and boogly-eyed fish tossed up from the deep.

The U.S. had an original aid pledge of $30,000,000 to help Tsunami victims. That was called "STINGY," mind you, by more than a few communist countries, including Hollywood's own Sandra Bullock. American aid to the relief efforts, just from the government, has been pledged at over $350,000,000, and that buys a LOT of towels, mops, sponges, squeegies, and waterproof goats, but it can't bring back anybody who was carried out to sea, including Sandra Bullock in "Speed 2: Sequel Boo-ga-loo."

This is truly a tragedy. Tens of thousands of people are gone, not just dead, GONE. The ocean may some day wash return them, a macabre bottle with a note inside that reads "Have you a warning system yet?" The tsunami's work has orphaned many children, widowed many spouses, and ruined a Zagat's guide-full of vacations. 150,000 people are dead as of today. That's all of Vancouver, WA. That's Kirkland, Redmond, and Issaquah, completely emptied of people. It's most of Tacoma. This doesn't include those who are going to die from infection and injury, that 150,000 is the number lost in the original land-fall. I watched a video the other night of the incoming wave, and it's pretty frightening. The water rushes out in about a minute... and 10 minutes later you can see, in the distance, a wall of water growing taller as the bottom of the incoming water hits the land shelf and forces the volume of it upwards. It's surreal and frightening, and is currently in production for a CBS Movie Of The Week: "Tsunami; The Devil's Bathtub."

Yes, there are fewer people to offshore jobs to, now. But that's not the point... Here are my questions: With $350,000,000 pledged to the relief efforts, have the victims of the Hurricane tag-team that wiped through Florida this year been taken care of? If they had insurance, then of COURSE they aren't taken care of yet. Insurance companies need proof that it was a hurricane before paying you for missing walls. Also, if there's $350,000,000 going to aid the tsunami efforts, why the F*CK can't two of my co-workers throw down $3 for some MF'ing cough drops so I don't have to hear what sounds like impressions of a car in need of some ingnition work?

Paris Hilton Break! Recently, Ms. Hilton crashed a party, CRASHED as in NOT INVITED, and sauntered in like everyone would drop to their knees and sniff her royal heinie. Her eyes weren't the only things turning red, however, when she glanced at the video monitors around the party to see the entertainment was HER VERY OWN X-RATED ROMP VIDEO. No word on whether or not she did a Pornaoke turn.

Back to the tsunami stuff. So that's the question, is the U.S. responsible to always handle the world's problems, especially when the problem is the result of a Force of Nature. This is going to be a mess, as relief money gets nicked by however many greedy people exchange it. Every exchange, of anything, be it money or information, leaves less and less of the original product to be delivered. (Sorry Billy, this doesn't hold true for STDs.) The best of people has come forward to help, and that generous altruistic nature is likely to be pilfered by a large number of scumbags wanting a piece of the seacucumber for no effort. The best and worst will happen when people are involved. For proof, see any of my reviews of Open Mic from the last year.

If you can't do it for the people, do it for the trapped dolphins and elephants. I can't imagine the hell that people are being put through there, standing in breadlines next to streets lined with bodies. But we can do SOMETHING. Prayers. Generally good thoughts of recovery for the area. The right people in the right times. Good weather. And if you want to give, here are two places that can use your dough:
Salvation Army
and
World Vision

Okay, I'm off to look at houses now. Wish me luck. And if you'd like to give anything to my mortgage relief fund, please use a plain brown bag tied to the neck of a stoned donkey in overalls. It's code for "Ass, Gas, Or Grass, Nobody Gets Relief For Free." Look for the cost of jeans to drop in the next year.

Quit groaning.
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