CES Report: Cheaper Technology Breaks Faster!

The Consumer Electronics Show has kicked off in Las Vegas this week. With all the booze, gambling, debauchery, late nights, blinking lights, and whores whores whores that Vegas offers, it is a choice both perfect and forehead zit-obvious to be overrun with geeks & nerds. But hey, the geeks and nerds deserve a shot at Vegas without their Klingon, Stormtrooper, Xylon, or Tron togs. Expect plenty of camera-phones at the Spearmint Rhino to capture what eyes behind fogged tri-focals cannot.

The biggest upload at the CES has been anything that can be slapped into a mobile telephone. Ten years ago the "brick" phone was seen as the way to go with high-rollers. There was the car-phone, afforded only by the wealthiest of people who really could use a little more time talking to clients, patients, and... who? Friends? NO BEEPING WAY! Those calls cost byte-loads back then, no WAY was anybody in the car killing time on the topic of which actress is going through "the new rehab" (a.k.a. career-resurrecting weightloss).

But things change. As a member of the cell pusher regime, I can't believe how far and how fast phones have come. When I started in this industry in 1998, I was issued a phone the size of a dryboard eraser/small cheese block that weighed around 12oz (that's a full can of glorious PBR, Billy). Within a year I had a phone the size & weight of a checkbook, then a wallet. My latest phone is approximately a bar of soap in the last 2 weeks of it's life span. Silver, sleek, and just as suds-slipping hard to handle. I've dropped that phone more in the past 2 months than any other 3 phones combined. Incoming call from "Engineered Replacement Design," is what I'm calling it. The phones is designed to look one way, but actually functions completely the opposite. I want my old phone back. When I dropped the previous one, about the size of a Clif bar, the LAST thing it would do is call my ex girlfriend and call her a Czech whore. Yeah, this one's got a bad chip. She's not Czech.

But the chip, the brain of the phone, computer, MP3 player, watch, flat-screen, DVD player, and pretty much everything else with a power source... the chip is getting smaller. SMALLER. About 15 years ago my dad told me "Geoff, mark my words, America loves ethnic comedy." He was so right. He also told me that technology, on all fronts, would be about making everyday objects portable, smaller, and they'd leapfrog each other year after year. He may have been joking around a little, because we were running by Field Day for The DeVito-Pearlman Acadamey, but he was right. Jokes have truth.

The big feature being touted and developed with the phone now is MultiMedia Services, or MMS. Also known as MobileMedial Services, as well as the reason the 19 year old in step-mommy's Lexus keeps swerving the F into your lane. Downloadable Ringtones, games, Text Messaging, internet access, access to company e-mails; all are features on 95% of today's new cell phones. This is enough to distract anybody from the boredom that is a million car traffic jam, as we are surrounded by potential disaster. BO-RING. People would rather talk to someone they're going to see at the Rock Bottom in 15 minutes than rock out to a Mudvayne hotstack or fire up the 5:20-Funny on KMTT. Or God Forbid, we be alone with our thoughts for a few moments, ya know? For Bill's Sake, the LAST thing you want to do is be quiet and think for a second. I've tried it a few times. And all I got were a bunch of answers to my issues and a balanced budget and a sense of being independent of technology. Useful? Yes. Fun? Not at all! I was like MAD.

So what's the "next big thing" for your phone? Television! How does that bag your groceries? During Bill Gates' keynote speech and new toy masturbatory display, he had numerous glitches that froze PCs and displays. Thank you Wizard, I'll just rent something near the Oz 'burbs. TV on a phone, Gatesdolf the Bland shorts-out, and I'm supposed to be excited about being able to watch TV anywhere I want? Well by golly, I IS! Everytime I'm in public I want to interact a little, but people are always on their phones, staring intently like Pres. Bush into his Magic 8-Ball (which is actually a real 8-Ball from the Nixon Bunker). I get bored at home in front of the TV. Now I can get OUT of the house, and take the TV with me! Because there's a Real World FULL of great things to watch.

So here's looking at you, taking your picture, e-mailing, calling, text messaging, and singing your favorite song, all into a TELEPHONE. I sure hope it has x-ray features to show me where my eye tumors are!
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Take Me Home

My Non-Funny Blog.