What You Are Laughing At

Wingin' and Slingin'

It's almost like the guy behind me is growing more annoying by annoying me. He has become my arch-enemy. I haven't said much about other people's annoying habits, but his are just killers. Here's what my today has been like so far:

1) Allergy lady telling everyone about her nasal routing surgery. She plowed her head clean open with the help of a doctor, a bottle brush, and a fifth of Old Crow. Then she told everybody who stopped by about what was extracted or reportedly seen by the doctor's booger-cam, when really the peeps were only stopping by to feign concern in exchange for the good candy on her desk. She knows how to swing the cocoa bean, and none of the bullcrap Tootsie Roll 17-pounder from Coscto. I'm talking foil-wrapped choco-sedatives. And I denied myself the bounty because I didn't want to see... are you ready?... THE BEFORE/AFTER PICTURES OF HER NASAL SURGERY. Enjoy your Krackle.

2) Around 9:17 I could hear a "chck... chck... ch-chck" from over the Great Wall of Whiner. It was the sound of a nail clipper in-action. About 15 minutes ago I got out of a meeting with her, where I glanced at her nails. Not freshly painted, but not too short nor chipped. See where this is going? I glanced at her footwear as she walked by... SANDALS. She was cutting her toe nails. That alone should warrant my own bowl of candy.

3) Boston Shipdit behind me has a habit of leaning his wee form (5'5"-ish) back in his chair and tahssing (with Boston accent) a pen at the ceiling just hard enough to cause a slight bounce effect. He then catches it and repeats his game of "The one with the pen that is stupider than the one with my cell phone" for the duration of the call. I want to side-arm a handful of uncapped Mr. Scents markers at his head so he understands how annoying that is. He cannot NOT make noise.

4) The Cell Phone thing he does: Everyone who works here has a cell phone. Call it an apology, if you will. The Boston Crap Pie there has 2, one personal, one business. With the number of cell phones and the number of calls going around due to our being taken over by the Orange Julius, phones vibrate like crazy around here. VIBRATE. We try and keep the noise to a minimum. Not this guy. His ringer is set to "Holy crap, Raahn, how many horsepower you got in that phone?" Here's why that is stupid. If he's in his office or has his phone on him, he can set it to vibrate and know when someone's trying to get a hold of him. If he leaves the ringer on and walks away for 30 minutes to go be short in another part of the building, the ringer goes off for everyone BUT him to hear. He may as well have his kid stand at his door and yell 'DAAAAAAD! MOM'S LAWYER IS ON THE PHOOOOONE!' for all the good that ringer does.

I'm about to go wing the pens, crush his phone under my heel, and hold his face in the garbage can until he admits to being annoying and promising to work from his hotel room until his contract is up, then stare blankly into his window with a sign that says "You Have Been Warned."
Or I guess I could ask him to keep it down.



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My Non-Funny Blog.