What You Are Laughing At

Stop The Unsanitary!

Today in the kitchet at work there is a high-end Rubbermaid tub full, CHOCK full, of oatmeal - chocolate chip cookies. I know because I made 'em. And humpy-humps to the lo-carb lifestyle, these things are the white tiger of your first day on the diet. I dare say I outdid myself this time 'round. This is at-home, from-scratch, half-organic/half-heartstopping baking. It's a zen thing I do now and again for 3 dozen

For reasons varying from humility to legal implicity, I try to make a phantom drop of the cookies. It's always best to drop 'em off then swing in when people are fueling up at 9am. Dropping off their monster lunches wrapped inside insulated bags, which they then put in the fridge. Filling insulated, $30 REI mugs with free sock-filtered coffee. Telling nobody in particular that "oh my, someone brought cookies, this is going to ruin my diet" as they waddle to the bucket o' goodness, zwip-zwipping over in stretch polyester pants matched to their light purple eyeshadow. (i know the color is lilac, but after the cookie making, one mention of the color wheel and my penchant for the ladies becomes suspect) To throw people off, I stand idly by staring at the tub with a look on my face reminiscent of Sandra Bernhard at a Firefighter Calendar signing. My gawd, I just mentioned another gay icon. Dang Firefighters!

Anyway, I work with some of the great unwashed hands in the history of The Death Star's Network Integrity department. I've seen people stir the inside of their Hawt Placket with their finger, then jam it back in the microwave sans Chinet. No, I'm not hacking Gaffigan, this is my reality. So I guess what I'm saying is that if you see free food layed out for all to paw at, the previous paws may have been wrist-deep in a BBQ Tuna & Swiss wrap. I'm more worried one the net'wenches will steal my bin.

My Biggest Crushes, circa 8:47am, 9/17/04
First off, this started a while back, this funny little crush I have. Being 30 and still crushing is funny, because I know I'm not going to do anything stupid to let the crushee in on the fact that I'm making a lot of money off the toilet cam... whooops! I keed, I keed.

1) Giada Di Laurentiis: She's an executive chef at an exclusive Hollywood eatery, owned a catering company at 25 that worked for the MGM execs, and has Italian sensibilities in the kitchen... and elsewhere? Also, Giada (we're on a first name basis) has possibly the cutest hands ever. I can't figure out what it is, that they are perfectly proportioned or manicured or covered in olive oil, but she could knead my dough any ol' time, if ya know how my yeast is risin', and I think you do.

2) Jack Hourigan: No, Jack's a woman. She co-hosts "How To Boil Water" on the Food Network... that's two now... hmm... okay, and she's friggin' hilarious. Also single, a big sports fan, and working with a nerdball. The problem is that she got paired up with Tyler Florence on the show, instead of the other French guy she started with. Ty-Flo is a pretty boy convinced of his ability to pre-heat the oven, if a ya know where my knobs are turning, and I think ya do.

3) Misty May: Gold medal winner in Women's Beach Volleyball, 2004 Olympics. Endorsement money coming in. 5'10" without the gigantism head, and she has a really great ass, if ya know where my eyes are lookin', and I know you do.

4) Genevieve Gorder: Handy with a nailgun, and has access to Paige Davis' face. Gimme.

5) Wanda Sykes: In a word, mmmmmm.


It's Friday. If you're a comic who shat the bed on Monday and you don't know you did, you're not a comic. If you're a friend who stopped by, I'll be at Giggles tonight with Tom Cotter. Call me, we'll get a drink afters. All others, take care. I'm out.

"Clean or Dirty?"
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My Non-Funny Blog.