NiceHoles

I created this term, "NiceHole," about a year ago in a conversation with my wife. We were talking about somebody I had worked with who, though very, very sweet in their intention, was also a full-grown minotaur-sized pain near, if not in, my ass.

NiceHoles are people who annoy you, but do it in a way that they will always be able to hide behind. This particular NiceHole would hear a conversation, hover near it, then impart their similar tale of woe... that's it. Nothing in the way of helpful advice, cheerful outlook, or even a decent recipe for a pot brownie. "Oh yeah, my sister had a problem like that. The doctor had to remove about 60% of her (I blocked this part out, trying to numb my psyche to that family's "parts") and she lived, but yeah... that can be tough."

Fuck.
Off.

NiceHoles hole it out in soooo many ways. SO many 'Hole variations.
* Volunteering to pass around a sign-up for the office "pot luck," then they bring plates. HOLE
* Standing and starting a conversation near a restroom, when you are obviously going TO that restroom so that you don't, you know, talk to somebody for too long outside of it and self-shit the inside of your skinny jeans. (your jeans are shit, BEE TEE DUB)
* Stopping you to converse while you are holding something heavy. They'll talk with their dumb mouth hole while their eyes go blandering off into the ether as if THIS is the conversation they know will change both of your lives.
* Not getting to the fucking point of a story. Hello? Here's a quote from a convo I had with a NiceHole a few months ago.
NH: "So you're a comedian, huh?"
GL: "I am, yes."
NH: "What kind of, uh, what's you're uh... like, what kind of uh... what's your routine?"
GL: "As in, what kind of material do I work with, or ?"
NH: "I used to really like that guy, oh gosh, he was, ah... uh... white guy... really, you know, uh... He would talk about the airplane and how it was unsafe and, what was his name? I'm so bad with names." (to nobody in particular)

Now, he's just trying to make conversation. But this isn't a Supreme Court vetting, we're talking about a stand-up comic. I'm thinking it's probably George Carlin, judging from this guy's age, but when I said "George Carlin?" He replied with...
"Who? George? No... not... what was the last name?"

REMEMBER???? THAT GUY YOU REALLY LIKED?

See, here's a perfectly nice guy who cannot hold a neural connection long enough to converse, to draw names out of his self-admittedly shallow namebank.

Here's another way to NiceHole into the Hole Of Fame.
Keep talking,
TALK TALK TALK TALK, comment on everything you see, just mindlessly make as much noise at a normal volume as possible...

Fill the gaps with a blathering boatload of blithering blabber. Butt hole.

The thing about the NiceHole is this...
They never do anything that you can point out as Mean or Rude. Just annoying. And if you say anything, the Hole will or can quickly retort with "Well, I was only (insert annoying behavior)."

Yeah, but during the entire first act of "X-Men: The Final Stand"? SHIT-CAN YOUR CAKEHOLE AND go silent...

We have to stop this... this horrible Adult Onset Self-Ignorant Idiocy.

NiceHoles... your time has come. You will now be made fun of, chastised, and called out for your behavior.
If we can sue and imprison snooty white guys for raiding pension funds, I can sure-as-our-national-debt-is-a-nightmare tell somebody to SHUT
THE.
FUCK.
UP.

Video to follow, when possible.


Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad

Further Proof That Being Nice To People Is Often Too Difficult

I give everyone a fair chance.

Really, I do. I have few expectations of anybody's behavior, other than thinking that they won't try to hit me or pee on/at me, or at least not until I've paid them.

Sometimes, people just strike you funny. Socially awkward. They call themselves "outdoorsy," while you know they hike a lot because nobody wants them at their party. That sort of thing.

Maybe they say inappropriate things or act in a way that makes other people uncomfortable, squirmy, dumbfounded, or grossed out. They don't see it that way, and nothing is going to turn them around.

Fast forward to now.
Then hit REWIND to about 30min ago.

I sat down at my desk after a brief trip to the kitchen to make a small bag of popping corn, 100-calorie mini-bag of Kettle Corn. Not great, just needed a small nosh before I get on the roads and kill somebody by way of low blood-sugar.

As I get back into my office, a guy, whom we'll call Wordy, is in my seat. I say "Oh hey, I'm back, can I get that from ya?" Very cordial.
He says "Oh sure, just keeping it warm for you."

I jokingly reply "Alriiiight. Weird." I don't know the guy other than a few meetings and emails to and fro.

I sit down with my bag of corn, and he moves to my right with the group he's working with at another desk. I grab a few kernels of corn and start back doing what I was doing at work on MySpace, and believe it or not, that happens at work, too!

About, oh, heck... 2 minutes later, Wordy circles his group, makes his way around me, grabs my bag of popcorn and begins to stick his hand in it. So I say "Uh, you're not going to put your uninvited hand in my popcorn, right?"

His response?
"Hey, I'm giving you material! How are you gonna write blah blah blah..." I tuned Wordy out mostly because I was shocked at the forwardness and lack of boundaries. It was like something out of "The Office," but unfunny.

"You're giving me material, well I'm giving you a bag of popcorn, bon appetit!" Still trying to be fun about it, but still a little miffed at this basic stranger sticking his hand into my snack.

Not that I wouldn't share, but I wasn't going to interrupt their convo to offer corn.
Nor should their work be interrupted for a guy with corn needs that overshadow his manners.

So we go back and forth while he's trying to make it look like I "don't get it," and that "everyone in the midwest shares," I shouldn't be at all upset about having to share. I keep saying "Wordy, it's about boundaries. You don't stick your hands in people's food, right?"

By the way, a lot of people in the midWest live very near to corn, and I am hearing more and more reports about the proliferation of ignorant, slow-talking, chain restaurant-eating idiots that live between the Rockies and the Mighty Miss'ssip Rivah.

Bottom line is, my corn, like my boundaries, were violated, and then there was an attempt to make ME feel like I should just accept it or admit I'm being an ass's hole.

Stranger's hands in my food, and I'm "missing the point."

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but that guy is a f*cking re-nard.

=0=0=0=0=0=
Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad