What You Are Laughing At

Football, Comedy, Football, Green Lake, Talking Meatball, Footmeat, Greenball, Audition, Love Machine, Fomedy, Cootball, LoserAss, Junk In Da Trunk, And of Course, Football

Oh dear gawd, it's Mon-F*cking-day already. The only way for me to start this week is as I'm doing it right now, manipulating the lettered buttons of this "board" to produce words that form recognizable structures of communication in your friggin' brain. Dig my technological advances with a side of honey mustard ass-kicking sizzauce. Go ahead, dip & lick yer fingers. Enjoy.

I just watched the weirdest Aqua Teen Hunger Force ('toon network, look it up) of all time. In an effort to get Meatwad to lose weight, Frylock attempts to put him on a diet. Carl gets involved by using the South Bronx Paradise diet candybar, which helps him lose weight by the handful, including his ass-deposited liver, over a few hours. "I thought I felt somethin' slip," says Carl. Turns out it was the South Bronx ParaSITE diet, so you can imagine the extreme effects. In the meantime, MasterShake is making Funnel Cakes and brownies to get Meatwad fatter, so that MasterShake can win. 'Shake's secret strategy? Sticking a shop-vac into his straw right before weigh-in (it kills him). Carl wins the contest when a giant millipede erupts from his gut and drags Carl's body onto the scale, chanting in the voice of Emmanuel Lewis from "Webster," "I WIN! I WIN!"
(If you have no frigging clue what I'm talking about, that's what it's like to talk to a woman who tells stories about her friends you've never met. Everyone's losing weight, and one's got a virus inside of her.)

I got really bad food poisoning last Thursday. That's the last time I eat vending-machine Sushi.

HAX-TV will return next week on 10/05/04, with new sketches and a fresh outlook on life. A couple weeks back I did a candid review of the Open Mic Comedillio at the Underpants, and one of the performers from that night & review was a pile by the moniker of "Major." Generally a guy who is trying to be the life of every party, even if it's a wake, he's got a false confidence that comes from being 6'3'' and 300lbs, sporting a really intricate tattoo (read: covering up something embarrassing, like a guy's name or a swastika), and donning sleeveless attire while lacking muscle tone. Were it not for my sureness that he was packing a bootknife, I probably would have had a go at him. Anyway, in the lobby of SCAN is an article about that same guy, Major, having his own TV show on SCAN a while ago. Anybody can do it. Sadly, anybody will do. We want ours to be the Joe Millionaire of Public Access. A 1-season phenom that launches us all into stardom. Mercedes E55, here's I come.

Back now:
Football & It's Affect on Dating.
I didn't watch a lick of Seattle football this weekend. I watched a ton of other teams and schools go at it, but the Huskies are really bad this year, and the Hawks are really good. Besides, I had a hot date on Sunday afternoon, and she was far more interesting than the 'Hawks 34-0 Dirty Sanchez'ing of the Niners. Until the Oh! network (that sounds hawt) starts a Dating Highlights show, I feel okay about skipping the game now and again. "As you can see here, Lott jumps the count and goes right for the flank, but comes up short after being brought down by a facemask. He was carted off with an embarrassed libido and later traded for a man with all his hair and a leased 325ci."

I realize, also, that it's quite impossible for me to date someone more than 5 years younger than me. Not that women aren't beautiful in their own ways at all ages, but damn, there's just no shared experiences there. That's the way this wheel keeps rolling, though.

I'm thinking it's time for a good practical joke to be played at the office. I want to try the old "free pizza and donuts" e-mail, then leave empty boxes of each in the lunchroom, except for one of each with bites out of them, then see if anyone takes it. Perhaps sugar cookies where the sugar is actually salt? Out of Order signs on the Fridge? Somebody's been taking food out of the refrigerator again, so perhaps it's time for a booby-trapped item? "Oh my, I've never seen a California Roll just catch on fire in someone's mouth like that." Anybody got ideas?

I gotta get back to work now. Have a good Monday. Check out my schedule, btw, as I'll be headlining Laughs soon, and also, there's a hellacious weekend of comedy coming up. Where do we go? Where do we go now?
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Take Me Home Tonight, I Don't Wanna Let You Go Till I See The Light

My Non-Funny Blog.