This Is Worth Every Bead of Sweat on My Furrowed Brow
The company I work for is sending an internal system that keeps track of our Social Security Numbers, bank #s for direct deposits, and other personal information, over to India as part of their "We Suck At Business" plan. India has no privacy laws, at least not to the extent we do in this country, nevermind the spamming, hacking, and calling we endure on a daily basis. I'm not sure what we can do about it, but these are jobs that your friends and neighbors once worked, being given, part & parcel, to another nation. The receiving nation is not to blame. The best we can do is stop supporting the companies that do this.
The schiddy thing is... I still need my job. Until it's taken by the now grown-up kid my family used to send 37-cents a month to feed, clothe and educate. I thought the best he'd do was two goats. Dude, he's getting a Dell.
http://www.cio.com/archive/041504/wireless.html
I'm outta here.
Take Me Home
Geoff Lott: Comedian, Writer, Philosoteur. I am here to amuse you, not entertain you. If not now, later. If not you, somebody else. If you can't laugh at yourself, that's just fine, too. I will do it for you.
Friday, April 16, 2004
I Guess You Had To Be There
I headlined over at Pegasus Pizza on Wed. night. I was the headliner, MC,and sound technician. Sound was stellar, btw. MC did a great job. Headliner had a tough time but looked really collected on stage. He ain't kiddin' around.
Anyway, there were only 2 other, uh... people who could get on stage and talk into a microphone (I will not use the term "comedian" for them, although Nicole has potential) so I had to put them up. None of my peeps were there. I started the show kind of late hoping they'd show, but they didn't until I was just about to get up. I started hoping they weren't dissing me, and instead hoped they were caught in a kitchen fire. A-holes. I put The Accountant up and he took a step into an almost too-rowdy room. I would have wrangled it better for him but I was too hopped on cold meds. OTC, though, no Rx's. Sadly...
Rowdy? Why? It's a bar full of regulars. There seems to be a new contingent of blonde girls sitting at the front tables this season, that just dawned on me. They're all really nice, too, and in fact I work with one of them, and she knows what hell it is to be at the Death Star every day. Atkins goes up 2nd and does pretty well just telling a story about a tryst with a drunken engaged gal and her drunken man thing. Nicole's a lesbian, for anybody who's wondering. And she's unemployed. Great comedic potential. She brings along a decent set of peeps, but they were drunk from a full day of drinking and smoking something ya gotta buy from sketchy white dudes with dredlocks and ferrets. Her crew got louder as the night went on and I stopped halfway through a setup to tell them to, if they'd please, lower the volume of their voices to accomodate their neighbors who are trying to listen to the show, but shorter and with something like 19 F-bombs. 2, only 2. They were sideways about that after the show, but it's a free show, for them. I'm working there and people are trying to listen and laugh so if the talkers left they wouldn't be losing any money and we'd all be spared another idiot in a pooka-shell necklace yelling out something in regards to his genitals. Oh, and "From Washington DC Larger Than Life Michael Oliver Carter" better shut the F up after his sets, too. He says he's been at it 13 years, done 1,295 sets, and still goes table to table collecting alms for the insecure. He's a goofball. Really insecure, really unfunny, really really really unfunny. Really. Un..
Funny. Imagine Redd Foxx on speed, in bi-focals and a strap-down cowboy hat. But unfunny. And desperate for attention.
So I go up and did my set and riffed a little here and there and then started playing to the Mafia in the back of the room. I'm not sure what I am to the Mafia, but we're all cool. The riffing stuff did well but I did a joke that fell flatter than a 7th grade girl's locker room and I have NEVER done it as well as the night I first Pegasassed it. It's a joke about how I think I'd like rap music better if rappers were happier. They have pretty amazing lifestyles when they get to the big time, but they still seem so bored with it, and I'd be ecstatic if I'd been able to procure their goods with an 8th-grade vo-cab-a-larry. Then it spirals away from me and blah. So yeah, that's what I know. I'm at Laughs this weekend, 2 more headline shows. I'm not really a headliner, more like a Feature who ChiliDog likes enough to give me a shot. I'll have to thank him for that. Maybe I'll buy him a pooka-shell necklace.
Then Shoogs B (in tha house whaddup?) and Dougles and I went to Weirdo's Tavern and Karaoke Chicken Satay Hut for beersss. I went home alone with thoughts of my awesome girlfriend asleep in "I Walk With A Slight" Olympia, 74 miles away. Hey God, remind me of this one when we talk, mmkay? You were done testing me when that one guy bumped into my leg with a Harley Sportster Oh, and God? Thanks for the good stuff, too, even if Blaine doesn't believe in it.
Oh, and as I finally got my big chance to headline... HBO will be there... 'cause it's free with your hotel room... I'm getting my shot, and this cock is taping his DVD at the Underbelly. Last year I MC'ed for him and he said I didn't suck. I'll take it. Go see him if you get a chance.
It's late. I'm out.
Take Me Home
I headlined over at Pegasus Pizza on Wed. night. I was the headliner, MC,and sound technician. Sound was stellar, btw. MC did a great job. Headliner had a tough time but looked really collected on stage. He ain't kiddin' around.
Anyway, there were only 2 other, uh... people who could get on stage and talk into a microphone (I will not use the term "comedian" for them, although Nicole has potential) so I had to put them up. None of my peeps were there. I started the show kind of late hoping they'd show, but they didn't until I was just about to get up. I started hoping they weren't dissing me, and instead hoped they were caught in a kitchen fire. A-holes. I put The Accountant up and he took a step into an almost too-rowdy room. I would have wrangled it better for him but I was too hopped on cold meds. OTC, though, no Rx's. Sadly...
Rowdy? Why? It's a bar full of regulars. There seems to be a new contingent of blonde girls sitting at the front tables this season, that just dawned on me. They're all really nice, too, and in fact I work with one of them, and she knows what hell it is to be at the Death Star every day. Atkins goes up 2nd and does pretty well just telling a story about a tryst with a drunken engaged gal and her drunken man thing. Nicole's a lesbian, for anybody who's wondering. And she's unemployed. Great comedic potential. She brings along a decent set of peeps, but they were drunk from a full day of drinking and smoking something ya gotta buy from sketchy white dudes with dredlocks and ferrets. Her crew got louder as the night went on and I stopped halfway through a setup to tell them to, if they'd please, lower the volume of their voices to accomodate their neighbors who are trying to listen to the show, but shorter and with something like 19 F-bombs. 2, only 2. They were sideways about that after the show, but it's a free show, for them. I'm working there and people are trying to listen and laugh so if the talkers left they wouldn't be losing any money and we'd all be spared another idiot in a pooka-shell necklace yelling out something in regards to his genitals. Oh, and "From Washington DC Larger Than Life Michael Oliver Carter" better shut the F up after his sets, too. He says he's been at it 13 years, done 1,295 sets, and still goes table to table collecting alms for the insecure. He's a goofball. Really insecure, really unfunny, really really really unfunny. Really. Un..
Funny. Imagine Redd Foxx on speed, in bi-focals and a strap-down cowboy hat. But unfunny. And desperate for attention.
So I go up and did my set and riffed a little here and there and then started playing to the Mafia in the back of the room. I'm not sure what I am to the Mafia, but we're all cool. The riffing stuff did well but I did a joke that fell flatter than a 7th grade girl's locker room and I have NEVER done it as well as the night I first Pegasassed it. It's a joke about how I think I'd like rap music better if rappers were happier. They have pretty amazing lifestyles when they get to the big time, but they still seem so bored with it, and I'd be ecstatic if I'd been able to procure their goods with an 8th-grade vo-cab-a-larry. Then it spirals away from me and blah. So yeah, that's what I know. I'm at Laughs this weekend, 2 more headline shows. I'm not really a headliner, more like a Feature who ChiliDog likes enough to give me a shot. I'll have to thank him for that. Maybe I'll buy him a pooka-shell necklace.
Then Shoogs B (in tha house whaddup?) and Dougles and I went to Weirdo's Tavern and Karaoke Chicken Satay Hut for beersss. I went home alone with thoughts of my awesome girlfriend asleep in "I Walk With A Slight" Olympia, 74 miles away. Hey God, remind me of this one when we talk, mmkay? You were done testing me when that one guy bumped into my leg with a Harley Sportster Oh, and God? Thanks for the good stuff, too, even if Blaine doesn't believe in it.
Oh, and as I finally got my big chance to headline... HBO will be there... 'cause it's free with your hotel room... I'm getting my shot, and this cock is taping his DVD at the Underbelly. Last year I MC'ed for him and he said I didn't suck. I'll take it. Go see him if you get a chance.
It's late. I'm out.
Take Me Home
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Also, I've learned that, for me, talking after 11:30pm starts turning into the equivalent of Parallel Parking. If there's a really wide space for me to work and nobody waiting, I'm pretty golden for getting it done. But if it's tight and it feels like the last chance to do it right, the quicker I make it the better chance I have of doing it right the first time, and then I should just shut it off and call it good.
Otherwise I back into someone's life... CAR, I mean car, and there's damage to repair.
Sometimes they park too close, but that doesn't mean I had to park there. I could have kept going.
Sometimes they want you to hit them, but that doesn't mean you have to gas it and total the thing. You don't have to hit them at all, it's your choice.
And when you get a front-spot to park in, take it. It's about damn time.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Take Me Home
Otherwise I back into someone's life... CAR, I mean car, and there's damage to repair.
Sometimes they park too close, but that doesn't mean I had to park there. I could have kept going.
Sometimes they want you to hit them, but that doesn't mean you have to gas it and total the thing. You don't have to hit them at all, it's your choice.
And when you get a front-spot to park in, take it. It's about damn time.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Take Me Home
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
The List
Yesterday was a learning day for Geoffers. I was really up & down yesterday, like I'd be totally on the ball for a while, then not only would I slide off the ball, the ball would bounce up and hit me in mine. My watering eyes would keep me from seeing where the puddle was that I was about to step in. It stopped about there, no bleeding or anything, just a few bumps and a small bruise.
I won't go into the details, but here's what I learned yesterday:
1) "Manager" is only a title. It has no bearing on a person's ability to manage, communicate, or know what they fawk are talking about. The best I can tell, at my company "Manager" means "Whoever's Been Here Longest."
2) When writing an e-mail that expresses how someone you adore makes you feel, leave out any mentions, sentences, or paragraphs about how sh*tty your day at work has been. If you are being sweet, make the sweetness about the other person. If your day's been sh*tty, blog it or write a joke about, but don't bitter the sweet. It's not always about you. Another time, perhaps, but this time, no.
3) When you mention that you are imperfect, make the mention only about yourself. Even if you have no malice behind your words it's not your place to skim past anybody else's realizations of their Being. You will likely end up looking like an a-hole, and probably feeling like one.
4) Sometimes the best you can do is apologize and hope you'll be forgiven. Other times you may drink a bottle of Pinot Noir and black out on the lanai. I usually go for the first option, because I've learned that the lanai is no place for wine black-outs, especially if you snore when you're wasted. Especially if you strip to the nude and sing "Friends In Low Places" when you're wasted. It's best to apologize from the gut and let it go into the past.
5) Some days you learn. Some days you teach. Some days you get detention. Some days you make the honor roll. Some days you get the girl. Some days the girl gets you. Some days you peel out in front of people and they cheer. Some days you peel out and your friend flies out the passenger door to scrape and bruise their bumper on the ground and you feel like an a-hole. And some days you come home and there are notes and nudges all around your home that remind that somebody in this world really does like you for who you are, imperfections and all, and you get a feeling that you may never be able to find the words that express how much it meant. If you try, please see #2 above.
Class is in Session
Geoffers
Take Me Home
Yesterday was a learning day for Geoffers. I was really up & down yesterday, like I'd be totally on the ball for a while, then not only would I slide off the ball, the ball would bounce up and hit me in mine. My watering eyes would keep me from seeing where the puddle was that I was about to step in. It stopped about there, no bleeding or anything, just a few bumps and a small bruise.
I won't go into the details, but here's what I learned yesterday:
1) "Manager" is only a title. It has no bearing on a person's ability to manage, communicate, or know what they fawk are talking about. The best I can tell, at my company "Manager" means "Whoever's Been Here Longest."
2) When writing an e-mail that expresses how someone you adore makes you feel, leave out any mentions, sentences, or paragraphs about how sh*tty your day at work has been. If you are being sweet, make the sweetness about the other person. If your day's been sh*tty, blog it or write a joke about, but don't bitter the sweet. It's not always about you. Another time, perhaps, but this time, no.
3) When you mention that you are imperfect, make the mention only about yourself. Even if you have no malice behind your words it's not your place to skim past anybody else's realizations of their Being. You will likely end up looking like an a-hole, and probably feeling like one.
4) Sometimes the best you can do is apologize and hope you'll be forgiven. Other times you may drink a bottle of Pinot Noir and black out on the lanai. I usually go for the first option, because I've learned that the lanai is no place for wine black-outs, especially if you snore when you're wasted. Especially if you strip to the nude and sing "Friends In Low Places" when you're wasted. It's best to apologize from the gut and let it go into the past.
5) Some days you learn. Some days you teach. Some days you get detention. Some days you make the honor roll. Some days you get the girl. Some days the girl gets you. Some days you peel out in front of people and they cheer. Some days you peel out and your friend flies out the passenger door to scrape and bruise their bumper on the ground and you feel like an a-hole. And some days you come home and there are notes and nudges all around your home that remind that somebody in this world really does like you for who you are, imperfections and all, and you get a feeling that you may never be able to find the words that express how much it meant. If you try, please see #2 above.
Class is in Session
Geoffers
Take Me Home
Rave Reviews
I had a pretty darn good weekend last weekend… weekend. (3rd time's funniest) I'm in awe over the weather we had. It affected my moods, my skin coloration, my sleep patterns, all in good ways. 80 degrees on April 11th? I'm not sure if I should jump for joy or start looking for frogs falling from the sky.
This past weekend I did 4 sets at Giggles in opening for Dat Phan, who won NBC's "Last Comic Standing" last year. It was the epitome of Comedy in America… a contest (you know how I feel about those) being judged by people who don't really know what it takes to be a great comedian. Popularity contest, basically, and that's fine. I followed The World's Funniest Hot-Tar Roofer, who has really made lemonade out of his life. Now if only that lemonade had some Zoloft in it we wouldn't have to temper humor with wild mood swings. I watched Dat's sets as far into them as possible before accepting the fact that his comedy is really quite hacky, even after he's been at it for 8 years. This is why Stand-up is Ultimate Justice: What really matters in Comedy is how you do on stage. Your PRODUCT. Dat's a very cool guy, but his material is very easy and gets decent laughs. The key is to be cool off-stage as well as respected on it.
My sets were really good as I found my voice a long time ago. The person that I am on-stage is an uncorked version of me, which is good for the stage but could cause issues off of it. I couldn't do as much time as I wanted to do, but that's okay. I was reeeeally out there on Saturday night, and so fully enmeshed into my performance that I felt like I was inside of myself, could see myself telling the jokes. Admittedly I didn't eat much dinner, okay, but it was a feeling not unlike gliding on the water in a rowboat; I could feel the work, and a little of it was taking me a long way so that I could enjoy the moment. This week: Laughs Comedy Club! The bastards didn't even put me on their website. I'm adding $25 to my asking price. At the very least, M, who is in your mug like coffee y'all, should be able to drink for free. I hope she brings a traveller cup.
The Highlight!
On Easter Sunday I headed out to Maple Valley, named so because there is an obscene number of Vine Maple Trees there, and because its more charming than a town named "CarTrunk Methlabton." I spent most of the day there with my family and we hung out, ate, talked, ate, watched The Masters, ate, I think I ate something, then we talked about eating. I'm working out extra hard this week.
Later in the day I cruised up to Auburn to see M, who's hoppin' down the Bunny Trail, as she was visiting family in the area. It was an hour or so of chilling with her tribe, all of them quite nice, even the man known as FatA$$ was on his best-ish behavior. Then we headed out and I felt like heading back to Kenmore was a waste of time, since there was nothing there for me but an empty apartment and 75 miles between me and M, who was on the road again.
Attention! Sweet Story Ahead!
I get home and there's a card on my kitchen table, for me, of course. Inside was a funny, sweet card that M left for me, and under the card a Dove Truffle egg with a clue. She had set me up with her very own Easter Egg Hunt, each egg attached to a clue as to where the next prize was. Not only was I finding candy - GOOD candy, chocolate and truffles, yo, none of that candy corn and jelly bean BS - but she gave me a CD that I wanted and couldn't find (Garth Brooks' "Roping The Wind," awesome) and some nice lounging pants in which I can, as you may have guessed, lounge.
Do you read me clearly?
She took time and effort to plan something out for me, from the goodness of her heart. For me. I was and still am more than a little surprised by it. I had butterflies over it. Butterflies! I'm a guy, I shouldn't get butterflies, but there they were. As far as somebody doing something sweet for me, that had to be the top. I can't explain why, other than to say I appreciate her so much that it's almost ridiculable.
And all I got her as a DVD of "Can't Buy Me Love." Yes… I'm a guy… A lucky guy, but a guy none the less.
Then last night I feel like I stuck my foot in my own ass. More on that when the Zoloft kicks in.
(sigh)
------------------------------------------
Take Me Home
I had a pretty darn good weekend last weekend… weekend. (3rd time's funniest) I'm in awe over the weather we had. It affected my moods, my skin coloration, my sleep patterns, all in good ways. 80 degrees on April 11th? I'm not sure if I should jump for joy or start looking for frogs falling from the sky.
This past weekend I did 4 sets at Giggles in opening for Dat Phan, who won NBC's "Last Comic Standing" last year. It was the epitome of Comedy in America… a contest (you know how I feel about those) being judged by people who don't really know what it takes to be a great comedian. Popularity contest, basically, and that's fine. I followed The World's Funniest Hot-Tar Roofer, who has really made lemonade out of his life. Now if only that lemonade had some Zoloft in it we wouldn't have to temper humor with wild mood swings. I watched Dat's sets as far into them as possible before accepting the fact that his comedy is really quite hacky, even after he's been at it for 8 years. This is why Stand-up is Ultimate Justice: What really matters in Comedy is how you do on stage. Your PRODUCT. Dat's a very cool guy, but his material is very easy and gets decent laughs. The key is to be cool off-stage as well as respected on it.
My sets were really good as I found my voice a long time ago. The person that I am on-stage is an uncorked version of me, which is good for the stage but could cause issues off of it. I couldn't do as much time as I wanted to do, but that's okay. I was reeeeally out there on Saturday night, and so fully enmeshed into my performance that I felt like I was inside of myself, could see myself telling the jokes. Admittedly I didn't eat much dinner, okay, but it was a feeling not unlike gliding on the water in a rowboat; I could feel the work, and a little of it was taking me a long way so that I could enjoy the moment. This week: Laughs Comedy Club! The bastards didn't even put me on their website. I'm adding $25 to my asking price. At the very least, M, who is in your mug like coffee y'all, should be able to drink for free. I hope she brings a traveller cup.
The Highlight!
On Easter Sunday I headed out to Maple Valley, named so because there is an obscene number of Vine Maple Trees there, and because its more charming than a town named "CarTrunk Methlabton." I spent most of the day there with my family and we hung out, ate, talked, ate, watched The Masters, ate, I think I ate something, then we talked about eating. I'm working out extra hard this week.
Later in the day I cruised up to Auburn to see M, who's hoppin' down the Bunny Trail, as she was visiting family in the area. It was an hour or so of chilling with her tribe, all of them quite nice, even the man known as FatA$$ was on his best-ish behavior. Then we headed out and I felt like heading back to Kenmore was a waste of time, since there was nothing there for me but an empty apartment and 75 miles between me and M, who was on the road again.
Attention! Sweet Story Ahead!
I get home and there's a card on my kitchen table, for me, of course. Inside was a funny, sweet card that M left for me, and under the card a Dove Truffle egg with a clue. She had set me up with her very own Easter Egg Hunt, each egg attached to a clue as to where the next prize was. Not only was I finding candy - GOOD candy, chocolate and truffles, yo, none of that candy corn and jelly bean BS - but she gave me a CD that I wanted and couldn't find (Garth Brooks' "Roping The Wind," awesome) and some nice lounging pants in which I can, as you may have guessed, lounge.
Do you read me clearly?
She took time and effort to plan something out for me, from the goodness of her heart. For me. I was and still am more than a little surprised by it. I had butterflies over it. Butterflies! I'm a guy, I shouldn't get butterflies, but there they were. As far as somebody doing something sweet for me, that had to be the top. I can't explain why, other than to say I appreciate her so much that it's almost ridiculable.
And all I got her as a DVD of "Can't Buy Me Love." Yes… I'm a guy… A lucky guy, but a guy none the less.
Then last night I feel like I stuck my foot in my own ass. More on that when the Zoloft kicks in.
(sigh)
------------------------------------------
Take Me Home
Friday, April 09, 2004
What's So Funny?
Wednesday night I drove to Olympia to see M, who loves this bar, and hang with some of the new people I've met through her. Over the course of the night I got up and did comedy at a place called Hannah's, a local bar (there must be 20 in 4 blocks on 4th in downtown Oly, it's awesome), and had a decent set. Scattered but I got to riff a little, do a few new jokes, and had a good response from some dudes. Those who listened were laughing, but it was mostly a pool & brew room. There was an open-mic for music, and after some dude who thinks he's the 2nd coming of a guy who obsessively idolizes but has not 1/10th the talent of Neil Young and looks like a drug-free Ted Nugent, and another guy who knows a lot of Dave Matthews and Pearl Jam songs (dude, you have to stop touching college chicks), I got up. I think the crowd was happy to not hear another song mangled by the "seeking spirit of a wandering soul." Why can't people just say they're un-hireable? Gawd, there are few jobs that are "beneath me," as some would say, but what I KNOW is not below me is making money, getting paid to do what I do. That being said, I called in sick yesterday, and spent the afternoon in full-on Writer mode, reading and writing and being a little introspective. Then I had dinner with M, who felt like chicken last night!, and it was awesome. Then on to Giggles for the open mic night. On home for sleepy. Sweet.
------------
I have 4 shows this weekend, mostly tune-ups for next week's "headline" stuff I'll be doing. I always start freaking out a little when the "have-to" shows come up. I wonder if I have the time. I wonder if I have the material. I wonder how long I can stand on a stage and talk and not pee inside of my pants. I love comedy, but I understand it so well, for myself, that I feel like I'm standing really close to a large picture of a naked woman: I am close enough to see details of a small area, but I couldn't tell you what it is unless I back up, and if I back up too far, what if I find out I was eyeball-to-follicle with a furry part of Roseanne Barr, like her lower back? My coughing's been keeping me up enough, I don't need that burned into my head.
I don't really know what I'll talk about tonight, let alone next week. I have some stuff that I really like, some stuff I love, and some stuff that I think is really bad, but crowds always laugh at. I'm writing a lot about relationships lately, but not the "men and women are differ'nt, boy-howdy!" I think it's so interesting how the interaction between friends is a step below the interaction between people who are dating and emotionally involved. I doubt that I have any actual insight to share, but I know that Love shouldn't be hard, I believe in taking things slow, and other than the opposite sex, you don't need any real skill to get married.
Oh, and every time I hear someone say "I am looking for my soulmate", somebody should punch Ethan Hawke in the dick.
I wonder what's going to happen over this next week. I have an urge to say whatever's on my mind at any time, as an experiment of true honesty and forthrightness. There are so many people who I think could use a compliment or a reality check at any given moment, and I mind my own business and say nothing. I could leave out the negative stuff and only say the nice things, but I don't even do that. If I only point out the yin, that doesn't mean I don't see the yang. And sometimes my yang is hanging way out there, but I have to cover it with my yan to make sure people don't call the cops.
I'm no longer concerned with marriage. In this country, the governing bodies say that people of the same sex cannot be officially recognized as married. It says nothing of the fact that people must be in love, or mature, or ready for everything that follows their wedding, which is NOT a marriage. Weddings are big "look at me" parties that usually mean a bride's parents are out $15,000 to make their "little girl" happy. I want none of that. Give me a wedding on a beach in Hawaii, a few friends and family. I'll post it on the web, you can keep your garter tossing and your Electric Slide.
I'm off to get on with my life. Work so you can Live. Get a buzz tonight, anyway that you can.
Geoffers
Take Me Home
Wednesday night I drove to Olympia to see M, who loves this bar, and hang with some of the new people I've met through her. Over the course of the night I got up and did comedy at a place called Hannah's, a local bar (there must be 20 in 4 blocks on 4th in downtown Oly, it's awesome), and had a decent set. Scattered but I got to riff a little, do a few new jokes, and had a good response from some dudes. Those who listened were laughing, but it was mostly a pool & brew room. There was an open-mic for music, and after some dude who thinks he's the 2nd coming of a guy who obsessively idolizes but has not 1/10th the talent of Neil Young and looks like a drug-free Ted Nugent, and another guy who knows a lot of Dave Matthews and Pearl Jam songs (dude, you have to stop touching college chicks), I got up. I think the crowd was happy to not hear another song mangled by the "seeking spirit of a wandering soul." Why can't people just say they're un-hireable? Gawd, there are few jobs that are "beneath me," as some would say, but what I KNOW is not below me is making money, getting paid to do what I do. That being said, I called in sick yesterday, and spent the afternoon in full-on Writer mode, reading and writing and being a little introspective. Then I had dinner with M, who felt like chicken last night!, and it was awesome. Then on to Giggles for the open mic night. On home for sleepy. Sweet.
------------
I have 4 shows this weekend, mostly tune-ups for next week's "headline" stuff I'll be doing. I always start freaking out a little when the "have-to" shows come up. I wonder if I have the time. I wonder if I have the material. I wonder how long I can stand on a stage and talk and not pee inside of my pants. I love comedy, but I understand it so well, for myself, that I feel like I'm standing really close to a large picture of a naked woman: I am close enough to see details of a small area, but I couldn't tell you what it is unless I back up, and if I back up too far, what if I find out I was eyeball-to-follicle with a furry part of Roseanne Barr, like her lower back? My coughing's been keeping me up enough, I don't need that burned into my head.
I don't really know what I'll talk about tonight, let alone next week. I have some stuff that I really like, some stuff I love, and some stuff that I think is really bad, but crowds always laugh at. I'm writing a lot about relationships lately, but not the "men and women are differ'nt, boy-howdy!" I think it's so interesting how the interaction between friends is a step below the interaction between people who are dating and emotionally involved. I doubt that I have any actual insight to share, but I know that Love shouldn't be hard, I believe in taking things slow, and other than the opposite sex, you don't need any real skill to get married.
Oh, and every time I hear someone say "I am looking for my soulmate", somebody should punch Ethan Hawke in the dick.
I wonder what's going to happen over this next week. I have an urge to say whatever's on my mind at any time, as an experiment of true honesty and forthrightness. There are so many people who I think could use a compliment or a reality check at any given moment, and I mind my own business and say nothing. I could leave out the negative stuff and only say the nice things, but I don't even do that. If I only point out the yin, that doesn't mean I don't see the yang. And sometimes my yang is hanging way out there, but I have to cover it with my yan to make sure people don't call the cops.
I'm no longer concerned with marriage. In this country, the governing bodies say that people of the same sex cannot be officially recognized as married. It says nothing of the fact that people must be in love, or mature, or ready for everything that follows their wedding, which is NOT a marriage. Weddings are big "look at me" parties that usually mean a bride's parents are out $15,000 to make their "little girl" happy. I want none of that. Give me a wedding on a beach in Hawaii, a few friends and family. I'll post it on the web, you can keep your garter tossing and your Electric Slide.
I'm off to get on with my life. Work so you can Live. Get a buzz tonight, anyway that you can.
Geoffers
Take Me Home
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
I'll Take "Days That Remind Me Of Nothing" for $600
My respiratory illness is being beat back by a cocktail of DayQuil, NyQuil, Penicillin, Juicy Juice! (100% Juice!), and a lot of sleep. I slept most of last night, but woke this morning to the dulcet tones of my lungs forcefully expelling air and whatever else is in there. I've got some sort of hoofed beast in my manifold, it's horrific. Overall I feel fine. No aches or pains, except the ones that are in my back and abs from the full-body lung-spasms. I'm actually gettin' a pretty good work out in all this. Lots of cardio, lots of abs, and my neighbors are kept up all night by my hacking or crying. Either way, I'm a winner.
So I get up and get moving today, and thankfully my first human contact is with M, who's got your Quizno's right here punk, and not hearing Gary Jules again. Gawd, how can you face a day when the first words you hear are "I find it kinda funny/I find it kinda sad/That the dreams in which I'm dying/are the best I've ever had." I need huggy now.
I get to work, 9-ish, not much going on. I have jack-all to do, a couple of reports to run, which I ran, and really weren't worth the time to run them. But it's my job, so I did it. And that's about where I stand now. Yay. Ideally I would like to win the Lotto, and work at some job I could abuse customers at all day. That's a blown premise, but gawd if it isn't true.
Cool: Coffee ice cream, knuckle pushups, squats, romanian deadlifts, gettin' fonky, open bar, Monterey Jack cheese, BioTest GROW! Low-carb protein shake mix (chocolate), and cool people.
Cold: Trucker hats, pooka shell necklaces, baseball traffic, men wearing jerseys, bleeding ulcers, non-bleeding ulcers, ringer t's, rumpley jeans, Frats, Sluts, and hacks.
Take Me Home
My respiratory illness is being beat back by a cocktail of DayQuil, NyQuil, Penicillin, Juicy Juice! (100% Juice!), and a lot of sleep. I slept most of last night, but woke this morning to the dulcet tones of my lungs forcefully expelling air and whatever else is in there. I've got some sort of hoofed beast in my manifold, it's horrific. Overall I feel fine. No aches or pains, except the ones that are in my back and abs from the full-body lung-spasms. I'm actually gettin' a pretty good work out in all this. Lots of cardio, lots of abs, and my neighbors are kept up all night by my hacking or crying. Either way, I'm a winner.
So I get up and get moving today, and thankfully my first human contact is with M, who's got your Quizno's right here punk, and not hearing Gary Jules again. Gawd, how can you face a day when the first words you hear are "I find it kinda funny/I find it kinda sad/That the dreams in which I'm dying/are the best I've ever had." I need huggy now.
I get to work, 9-ish, not much going on. I have jack-all to do, a couple of reports to run, which I ran, and really weren't worth the time to run them. But it's my job, so I did it. And that's about where I stand now. Yay. Ideally I would like to win the Lotto, and work at some job I could abuse customers at all day. That's a blown premise, but gawd if it isn't true.
Cool: Coffee ice cream, knuckle pushups, squats, romanian deadlifts, gettin' fonky, open bar, Monterey Jack cheese, BioTest GROW! Low-carb protein shake mix (chocolate), and cool people.
Cold: Trucker hats, pooka shell necklaces, baseball traffic, men wearing jerseys, bleeding ulcers, non-bleeding ulcers, ringer t's, rumpley jeans, Frats, Sluts, and hacks.
Take Me Home
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Working Out My Issues
Last week I had a weird encounter at the gym. I was doing some lat-pulls, and was finishing a set of 15, and did 2 behind my head, which as we all know is BAD BAD BAD, right? Compresses your vertebrae a little more than is necessary. As I'm walking away from the machine, a "trainer" comes over and says to me…
"Hiiii! I'm Angie, and I've been here about 3 weeks now as a trainer. I noticed you were doing lat pulls behind your head which can cause some strain and injury to your cervical collar. Try to do all of your pulls in front of your head to protect your neck, okay?"
Apparently Angie gets her exercise from jumping to conclusions. All I could muster was "Hi Angie, I'm Geoff. I've been lifting weights for the better part of 15 years. I notice you like cheap make-up and home perms, which turn your skin orange and your hair to Easter grass. From now on, try not to answer questions I didn't ask, and I won't damage your cervix, mmkay?"
Canyon Park Fitness has an opening for Personal Trainers, if anyone's looking.
Opening Day Of Pro Baseball...
Today is the first day of the Major League Baseball season. That means for 81 days, at the least, traffic into Seattle will be 4 times as crappy as usual. It means little else to those of us who could care less about baseball. I don't like pro baseball. In-stadium, okay, but not on TV, not on the radio. BO-RING. Since I'm not frequenting the park, but 45,000 other people are, that's an average of 7 million more cars on the road, and not nearly enough entertaining if not horrific accidents involving Semis and Mariner car-pools.
If you're a big baseball fan, good for you. I'm sure I could tell by your pull-over, t-shirt, socks, cap, pins, sweatbands (sweatbands? you have a desk job), and SoDo Mojo decal, which is now 4 years too late, I think. Anyway, this marks the end of many nights for me at the Comedy Underpants with the Mariners are in town. It will be harder to find parking than finding a straight guy wintering in Ibiza.
Take me out to the ball game, take me out with a bat.
Take Me Home
Last week I had a weird encounter at the gym. I was doing some lat-pulls, and was finishing a set of 15, and did 2 behind my head, which as we all know is BAD BAD BAD, right? Compresses your vertebrae a little more than is necessary. As I'm walking away from the machine, a "trainer" comes over and says to me…
"Hiiii! I'm Angie, and I've been here about 3 weeks now as a trainer. I noticed you were doing lat pulls behind your head which can cause some strain and injury to your cervical collar. Try to do all of your pulls in front of your head to protect your neck, okay?"
Apparently Angie gets her exercise from jumping to conclusions. All I could muster was "Hi Angie, I'm Geoff. I've been lifting weights for the better part of 15 years. I notice you like cheap make-up and home perms, which turn your skin orange and your hair to Easter grass. From now on, try not to answer questions I didn't ask, and I won't damage your cervix, mmkay?"
Canyon Park Fitness has an opening for Personal Trainers, if anyone's looking.
Opening Day Of Pro Baseball...
Today is the first day of the Major League Baseball season. That means for 81 days, at the least, traffic into Seattle will be 4 times as crappy as usual. It means little else to those of us who could care less about baseball. I don't like pro baseball. In-stadium, okay, but not on TV, not on the radio. BO-RING. Since I'm not frequenting the park, but 45,000 other people are, that's an average of 7 million more cars on the road, and not nearly enough entertaining if not horrific accidents involving Semis and Mariner car-pools.
If you're a big baseball fan, good for you. I'm sure I could tell by your pull-over, t-shirt, socks, cap, pins, sweatbands (sweatbands? you have a desk job), and SoDo Mojo decal, which is now 4 years too late, I think. Anyway, this marks the end of many nights for me at the Comedy Underpants with the Mariners are in town. It will be harder to find parking than finding a straight guy wintering in Ibiza.
Take me out to the ball game, take me out with a bat.
Take Me Home
Monday, April 05, 2004
The Weekend In Review
I had myself a great weekend. It was way more relaxed than I thought it would be, but that's good, as I'm soldiering through the SARS-like chest cold that everyone else beat about 6 weeks ago.
I played a little pool on Friday night at Jillians. Here's a quick transcription of me playing pool, regardless of how easy the shot is:
"7, corner pocket, (breathe, breathe), >PLICK< SH*T!"
We almost ended up at some dive on Cap Hill, a bar that has an awning that says "Typewriters" (and why wouldn't it?). It apparently serves only imported beers from Belgium, Denmark, and North Dakota. I didn't want to go in at first because the billowing smoke was reminiscent of a couch fire, but we were there to meet friends and were going to play the PR and be like dat.
I was there with M, who wants to Rock&Roll All Wednesday, and we bailed after 5 minutes of waiting on the friends who suggested the place. We hoofed it to B&O Espresso, which has a very café-like bar and a dessert case that would shame Anna Nicole's breakfast menu. She apparently Trim Spa'ed her way to a leaner bod. That's no big feat, when you consider Trim Spa is in pill form, and she was already downing more pills than a test-rat for Bayer. "Take one more? Okay, but I gets to wash 'er down with buttermilk! Eew, this one taste like the green food." Bluck.
Saturday comes around, and I head to the state Capitol, then South-ish for two towns I've never been to. I got to see a little of Satsop and the Mini-Mart in Brady. Great night of chillin', chattin', and serious eatin' in Satsop. Met M's mom, M's brother and his fiancee, and threw darts against a jail guard with a penchant for do-it-his-own-damn-self woodfire stove installation. The amount of smoke that thing emitted INSIDE the garage/workshop/dart arena, compounded with the Friday night Typewriter joint's smokiness, probably only exacerbated the amount of lunggage I am carrying. It was funny to hear them say "Close the door, you're letting the heat out!" Guys, that's not heat, that's lactic acidosis from asphyxiation. At the risk of sounding like a weenie, I'm not down with monoxide-induced bronchial spasms. Call me fickle, pickle, but my brain cells are leaving in clown cars every other hour. Dig it.
Sunday started late due to not setting the clock an hour ahead. I wasn't paying attention to the clock anywho, but I think the time change figured a bit into today. Read on...
I SCREAM FOR THIS STUFF!
Last night we got some iced cream, a treat for me as I'm usually adhering to a strict high-protein, low-fun diet. I opted for Godiva Chocolate Truffle Raspberry, and M, who could kick it if it needs to be kicked, grabbed a pint of Ben & Jerry's classic Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.
The CCCD is always a crowd pleaser. I had a hankering for something fruity with a kick, but there's only one David Lee Roth. So I grab the Godiva Chocolate Truffle Raspberry, plop on the couch for a viewing of Cold Creek Manor (wait for it on GameBoy), and settle in for a-viewin'. Damned if I didn't eat 3/4ths of the pint. I don't even feel bad about it. It was good. NAY, it was spiritually erotic, or erotically spiritually. It was a delight for all the senses. Don't eat any, it will kill you. If you eat a bunch, I won't be able to have any, and I will pants you at lunch.
Try me, jerk-hole.
More Hacks Than The Tacoma Underground
Holy Lumberhacks I have a chest cold that is working me over like Ike on Tina. About 4-6 weeks back it seemed EVERYONE had this cold. It starts in your face and makes your head feel like it's going to pop, but not the fun "One more DayQuil & Cran, bartender!" kind of floaty-head popping. It feels like a quick turn of your head could cause inertia to take over the contents of the nasal passages, and sling it back to the other side while your face collapses. I suggest Claritin, lots of water, and not looking at stuff.
So I get past that part of it, and for 2 days I am golden-retriever healthy. Good color, cold, wet snout, peeing outside, plenty of yard-time. Then it hits me. Last Tuesday night, WHAM, this chest cold lungjacks me and won't leave. It's taken up squatter's rights in my bronchial tubes, and the only way to get it out is through the spasms my lungs are running through. This isn't "tickle in the throat, time for tea and honey!" coughing, this is full-diaphragm, red eye bursting, back cracking, ab-tightening lung assault to break this up. Last night I would sleep for 40 minutes, wake for 20, and cough for 10 of those. I'm surprised I wasn't asked to sleep in my car. Don't think I wasn't gonna volunteer.
My plan of attack for tonight: DayQuil and 1 Tylenol PM, OR, Cherry NyQuil over Godiva Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Chocolate, a.k.a "The AnnaNicole."
The Straight Dope
There is almost no more liberating feeling than realizing and accepting your parents as People, not just Mom & Dad. It makes it much easier to see where they've been in life, how we can affect each other with the smallest gestures of love and kindness, and how much it's gonna suck to put them in Shady Pines Adult Center. That sounds kinda saucy, if you aks me.
Go ahead, aks me…
Geoffers
What UpHomey?
I had myself a great weekend. It was way more relaxed than I thought it would be, but that's good, as I'm soldiering through the SARS-like chest cold that everyone else beat about 6 weeks ago.
I played a little pool on Friday night at Jillians. Here's a quick transcription of me playing pool, regardless of how easy the shot is:
"7, corner pocket, (breathe, breathe), >PLICK< SH*T!"
We almost ended up at some dive on Cap Hill, a bar that has an awning that says "Typewriters" (and why wouldn't it?). It apparently serves only imported beers from Belgium, Denmark, and North Dakota. I didn't want to go in at first because the billowing smoke was reminiscent of a couch fire, but we were there to meet friends and were going to play the PR and be like dat.
I was there with M, who wants to Rock&Roll All Wednesday, and we bailed after 5 minutes of waiting on the friends who suggested the place. We hoofed it to B&O Espresso, which has a very café-like bar and a dessert case that would shame Anna Nicole's breakfast menu. She apparently Trim Spa'ed her way to a leaner bod. That's no big feat, when you consider Trim Spa is in pill form, and she was already downing more pills than a test-rat for Bayer. "Take one more? Okay, but I gets to wash 'er down with buttermilk! Eew, this one taste like the green food." Bluck.
Saturday comes around, and I head to the state Capitol, then South-ish for two towns I've never been to. I got to see a little of Satsop and the Mini-Mart in Brady. Great night of chillin', chattin', and serious eatin' in Satsop. Met M's mom, M's brother and his fiancee, and threw darts against a jail guard with a penchant for do-it-his-own-damn-self woodfire stove installation. The amount of smoke that thing emitted INSIDE the garage/workshop/dart arena, compounded with the Friday night Typewriter joint's smokiness, probably only exacerbated the amount of lunggage I am carrying. It was funny to hear them say "Close the door, you're letting the heat out!" Guys, that's not heat, that's lactic acidosis from asphyxiation. At the risk of sounding like a weenie, I'm not down with monoxide-induced bronchial spasms. Call me fickle, pickle, but my brain cells are leaving in clown cars every other hour. Dig it.
Sunday started late due to not setting the clock an hour ahead. I wasn't paying attention to the clock anywho, but I think the time change figured a bit into today. Read on...
I SCREAM FOR THIS STUFF!
Last night we got some iced cream, a treat for me as I'm usually adhering to a strict high-protein, low-fun diet. I opted for Godiva Chocolate Truffle Raspberry, and M, who could kick it if it needs to be kicked, grabbed a pint of Ben & Jerry's classic Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.
The CCCD is always a crowd pleaser. I had a hankering for something fruity with a kick, but there's only one David Lee Roth. So I grab the Godiva Chocolate Truffle Raspberry, plop on the couch for a viewing of Cold Creek Manor (wait for it on GameBoy), and settle in for a-viewin'. Damned if I didn't eat 3/4ths of the pint. I don't even feel bad about it. It was good. NAY, it was spiritually erotic, or erotically spiritually. It was a delight for all the senses. Don't eat any, it will kill you. If you eat a bunch, I won't be able to have any, and I will pants you at lunch.
Try me, jerk-hole.
More Hacks Than The Tacoma Underground
Holy Lumberhacks I have a chest cold that is working me over like Ike on Tina. About 4-6 weeks back it seemed EVERYONE had this cold. It starts in your face and makes your head feel like it's going to pop, but not the fun "One more DayQuil & Cran, bartender!" kind of floaty-head popping. It feels like a quick turn of your head could cause inertia to take over the contents of the nasal passages, and sling it back to the other side while your face collapses. I suggest Claritin, lots of water, and not looking at stuff.
So I get past that part of it, and for 2 days I am golden-retriever healthy. Good color, cold, wet snout, peeing outside, plenty of yard-time. Then it hits me. Last Tuesday night, WHAM, this chest cold lungjacks me and won't leave. It's taken up squatter's rights in my bronchial tubes, and the only way to get it out is through the spasms my lungs are running through. This isn't "tickle in the throat, time for tea and honey!" coughing, this is full-diaphragm, red eye bursting, back cracking, ab-tightening lung assault to break this up. Last night I would sleep for 40 minutes, wake for 20, and cough for 10 of those. I'm surprised I wasn't asked to sleep in my car. Don't think I wasn't gonna volunteer.
My plan of attack for tonight: DayQuil and 1 Tylenol PM, OR, Cherry NyQuil over Godiva Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Chocolate, a.k.a "The AnnaNicole."
The Straight Dope
There is almost no more liberating feeling than realizing and accepting your parents as People, not just Mom & Dad. It makes it much easier to see where they've been in life, how we can affect each other with the smallest gestures of love and kindness, and how much it's gonna suck to put them in Shady Pines Adult Center. That sounds kinda saucy, if you aks me.
Go ahead, aks me…
Geoffers
What UpHomey?
Friday, April 02, 2004
I had a good set last night at Giggles Open Mic. I still think comedy is a joke. I once had grandiose notions of being part of the revolution of comedy. It won't happen. Too many styles fitting too many people's ideas of funny. Comedy reminds me a lot of what it takes to make it in great in the Budoir:
Do what you think is funny.
Something like that.
If you see me on stage and you're offended, I don't care. At least you got the joke. Next we'll work on your definition of "joke."
Take Me Home
Do what you think is funny.
Something like that.
If you see me on stage and you're offended, I don't care. At least you got the joke. Next we'll work on your definition of "joke."
Take Me Home
Creating Memories One Mouse-Click At A Time
I'm at work today. It's gorgeous out, and I'm at work. You, too, are in front of a computer. I don't want to be here. Unless you're tracking al-Quesadilla operatives with your computer, then you should be doing THAT instead of reading this.
So here's what I'm dealin' with today. Got a couple new reports I'm supposed to run for a couple of teams that are spread out all over. These reports reflect how much time it takes teams to accomplish the work they are asked to do. I formulated an equation which I bristle at divulging, but here goes:
TIME = $$$, where $$$ = money.
Keep the time down, keep the cost down, keep the people happy. Long story short, this is not going to amount to a hill of fiddled beans when I'm 50. I know this. This is a job. That's it. Not a spiritual quest. Not a calling. A job. Justification of the ways and the means. I'm doing what I don't want to do. Me and every other person out there is doing it about 40 hours a week. I should be commended for the fact that I don't have a drug problem, neck tattoos, or a Benadryl addiction. I'm a winner, even if I'm working for a Loser.
In the meantime, my company keeps the people down, and the money down. I hope to be on the next train to LayOffBerg. Time will tell. Or is it Money? I better run a report.
Not funny.
Geoff
Take Me Home
I'm at work today. It's gorgeous out, and I'm at work. You, too, are in front of a computer. I don't want to be here. Unless you're tracking al-Quesadilla operatives with your computer, then you should be doing THAT instead of reading this.
So here's what I'm dealin' with today. Got a couple new reports I'm supposed to run for a couple of teams that are spread out all over. These reports reflect how much time it takes teams to accomplish the work they are asked to do. I formulated an equation which I bristle at divulging, but here goes:
TIME = $$$, where $$$ = money.
Keep the time down, keep the cost down, keep the people happy. Long story short, this is not going to amount to a hill of fiddled beans when I'm 50. I know this. This is a job. That's it. Not a spiritual quest. Not a calling. A job. Justification of the ways and the means. I'm doing what I don't want to do. Me and every other person out there is doing it about 40 hours a week. I should be commended for the fact that I don't have a drug problem, neck tattoos, or a Benadryl addiction. I'm a winner, even if I'm working for a Loser.
In the meantime, my company keeps the people down, and the money down. I hope to be on the next train to LayOffBerg. Time will tell. Or is it Money? I better run a report.
Not funny.
Geoff
Take Me Home
Thursday, April 01, 2004
The Freedom of Not Giving a Sh*t
Today, I do not give a sh*t. This may be temporary. It may last a few days. But for today, I'm riding shotgun on the Apathy Express, the 9:09 out of Olympia, and I'm embracing it.
I'm at work running a report nobody cares about for reasons nobody can remember. This morning I was in Olympia with someone about whom I do care (it would be untoward and grody to say "about whom I give a sh*t," pardon the break), then I had to come in to run these reports. An hour of driving so I could engage in a staring contest with this ridiculous database that can bite my honeybaked. All this technology sh*t's really cool if you give a sh*t, but I don't, so it's basically sh*t.
I am fully in touch with the fact that I am the most important person in my life. If you think that's selfish, guess what I won't be giving? Did you guess "a sh*t?" I have no kids. I have no wife. I am solely responsible for making my life as close to not-sh*tty as I possibly can. When it comes to your life, I don't give a sh*t. When it comes to mine, I take all the sh*t I didn't give elsewhere and I build a protective cabin with a hammock with it. It doesn't stink, because it's not real sh*t, and also because when you don't give a sh*t, your non-given sh*t don't stink. I just told you I'm living in a sh*t cabin, dear reader. Yes, I'm in therapy.
The truth is this: To the extent I am here doing my job, and I left M, who thinks you're fakin' it, in Olympia to be here, I give some semblance of sh*t. The nice weather outside, the lovely woman with whom I should be picnicking or trying to impress with consecutive push-ups or swing-dancing geriatrics before snacktime (pleeeease let it be butterscotch anything), the mild headache and chalkboard/fingernail laughter emitted from a conference room (ROME DID NOT CONQUER THE WORLD IN MEETINGS...) behind me remind that until the day I can truly act out on my not giving a sh*t, I need to at least fake like I have sh*t to give. Even if it's left in a flaming bag on a doorstep, at least when I give, I mean it.
And if you could see videotape of the mutilation of Americans in Iraq or Janet Jackson's tit for an hour a night, which would you TiVo? Vote with your heart. And Ryan Seacrest should be punched in the d*ck.
Geoff Lott, on your side, right after this nap.
Take Me Home
Today, I do not give a sh*t. This may be temporary. It may last a few days. But for today, I'm riding shotgun on the Apathy Express, the 9:09 out of Olympia, and I'm embracing it.
I'm at work running a report nobody cares about for reasons nobody can remember. This morning I was in Olympia with someone about whom I do care (it would be untoward and grody to say "about whom I give a sh*t," pardon the break), then I had to come in to run these reports. An hour of driving so I could engage in a staring contest with this ridiculous database that can bite my honeybaked. All this technology sh*t's really cool if you give a sh*t, but I don't, so it's basically sh*t.
I am fully in touch with the fact that I am the most important person in my life. If you think that's selfish, guess what I won't be giving? Did you guess "a sh*t?" I have no kids. I have no wife. I am solely responsible for making my life as close to not-sh*tty as I possibly can. When it comes to your life, I don't give a sh*t. When it comes to mine, I take all the sh*t I didn't give elsewhere and I build a protective cabin with a hammock with it. It doesn't stink, because it's not real sh*t, and also because when you don't give a sh*t, your non-given sh*t don't stink. I just told you I'm living in a sh*t cabin, dear reader. Yes, I'm in therapy.
The truth is this: To the extent I am here doing my job, and I left M, who thinks you're fakin' it, in Olympia to be here, I give some semblance of sh*t. The nice weather outside, the lovely woman with whom I should be picnicking or trying to impress with consecutive push-ups or swing-dancing geriatrics before snacktime (pleeeease let it be butterscotch anything), the mild headache and chalkboard/fingernail laughter emitted from a conference room (ROME DID NOT CONQUER THE WORLD IN MEETINGS...) behind me remind that until the day I can truly act out on my not giving a sh*t, I need to at least fake like I have sh*t to give. Even if it's left in a flaming bag on a doorstep, at least when I give, I mean it.
And if you could see videotape of the mutilation of Americans in Iraq or Janet Jackson's tit for an hour a night, which would you TiVo? Vote with your heart. And Ryan Seacrest should be punched in the d*ck.
Geoff Lott, on your side, right after this nap.
Take Me Home
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Go Up Early, Drink Up Late
I haven't much enthusiasm for comedy right now. Rephrase... here...
I love comedy. I love performing. It's how I express myself, looking at the idiosyncracies of idiocratic idiots and realizing that on any given minorly hungover, underfed, vitamin deficient day, I AM that idiot. I am no worse than the best around, but I'm way better than the worst.
This is what's up with me. I did this contest where I knocked out 19 sets in 9 days, and a total of 23 sets in 21 days total. That's a lot of time listening to yourself talk. I was on auto-pilot for delivery, but my heart was totally in the moment of the Finals week. Fully in-tune with the audience, riding the wave of my delivery and confident that I was going to get both cheeks into every punchline I swung at. I was parking punchlines in the cheap seats, leading the wave, AND bringin' hot dogs to your grill, you gifted little creature, you. I was in it. I was on it. I f*cking BROUGHT IT, I dug a hole, I planted it, it rooted and grew to give you shade and a place to hang a tire swing from.
Now I just wanna sit under the tree and hope that I get Newton'ed by a comedy apple. That may very well happen, but the meat isn't cooking while I sit in shade and anticipate in-spur-ay-shun. It's time I get back to the kitchen, bring forth the squashes and the sauces, brulee the creme, and fire up the grill. I'm doing that tonight. I'll be working on new recipes. I'm inspired, focused, and getting back to Fearless. I hope you brought a bib and a bucket. The main course is gonna stick to your ribs, full carb, full fat, full flavor. You don't like what's on the menu? Fine, eat from here.
Otherwise, grab the vino and loosen your belts.
Dig in.
Geoffers
p.s. YES, I am in counseling. Don't worry, all's well. I'll write and talk more later. In the meantime, enjoy your baggage.
Take Me Home
I haven't much enthusiasm for comedy right now. Rephrase... here...
I love comedy. I love performing. It's how I express myself, looking at the idiosyncracies of idiocratic idiots and realizing that on any given minorly hungover, underfed, vitamin deficient day, I AM that idiot. I am no worse than the best around, but I'm way better than the worst.
This is what's up with me. I did this contest where I knocked out 19 sets in 9 days, and a total of 23 sets in 21 days total. That's a lot of time listening to yourself talk. I was on auto-pilot for delivery, but my heart was totally in the moment of the Finals week. Fully in-tune with the audience, riding the wave of my delivery and confident that I was going to get both cheeks into every punchline I swung at. I was parking punchlines in the cheap seats, leading the wave, AND bringin' hot dogs to your grill, you gifted little creature, you. I was in it. I was on it. I f*cking BROUGHT IT, I dug a hole, I planted it, it rooted and grew to give you shade and a place to hang a tire swing from.
Now I just wanna sit under the tree and hope that I get Newton'ed by a comedy apple. That may very well happen, but the meat isn't cooking while I sit in shade and anticipate in-spur-ay-shun. It's time I get back to the kitchen, bring forth the squashes and the sauces, brulee the creme, and fire up the grill. I'm doing that tonight. I'll be working on new recipes. I'm inspired, focused, and getting back to Fearless. I hope you brought a bib and a bucket. The main course is gonna stick to your ribs, full carb, full fat, full flavor. You don't like what's on the menu? Fine, eat from here.
Otherwise, grab the vino and loosen your belts.
Dig in.
Geoffers
p.s. YES, I am in counseling. Don't worry, all's well. I'll write and talk more later. In the meantime, enjoy your baggage.
Take Me Home
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Take Me It's Not As Bad As It Looks... It's Probably Worse
Whistle Stumpenlegs behind me here at work has some sort of brain disconnect. This is a person who is frightened of silence. As if his thoughts will never manifest if he doesn't make some sort of noise at all times. He observes a strict open door policy, which is to say "Well hello, this here fella is one heck of a fella to know and to be a fella with. Come on in and we'll ring up a few whistly tuney tunes! WOO HOO WEEEE!" If I had an "Open Door Policy" it would be this: "If my door is open, close it."
I'd be way more upset if I weren't blogging about his bass-ackwards attempts at being "folksy" or so obscenely wine-drunk right now.
What's That Guy's Deal?
I encountered a complete a-hole today at Starbucks. The guy two spots ahead of me in line gets to the counter, and as he's ordering, he's got his face turned downward to his hand while he counts change, likely to be used to pay for his coffee. He's likely muttering, as the gal behind the counter says, "I'm sorry sir, I didn't get your order." His head snaps up and he leans with one hand on the counter, and repeats, in a condescending tone, "GRANDE DECAF NON-FAT 2-PUMP SUGAR FREE HAZELNUT NO FOAM EXTRA HOT LATTE."
The only man who should drink something that complicated is either Ryan Seacrest, because he's a teenage girl, or Geoff Lott, because I order whatever the frango I feel like ordering.
So the dude pays in change, even though he's wearing a pair of Cole Haans and the outfit of a man who is desk-boundly employed. In CHANGE, is this a Summer Camp? NO, it's a friggin' Starbucks. Hit a Coinstar first, use a Debit Card, or just steal a fresh drink off the counter, but don't pay in Change, Skippy, 'cause then they gotta count it, and my life is getting shorter than Joan Rivers' eyelids.
As the drink is placed on the counter, the cockstomer and the barista have a clash. The barista, already backlogged and dredlocked (how Now! that's What I Call Hip Hiring!), reads the order outloud, the way they've been taught, and leaves the "no-foam" part of his recitation. The asstomer says "No foam, right?" Barista dude - "Yeah, sorry, no foam." Dickstomer - "Are you sure?" Barista - "Positive, you can look and see, sir." Cockstomer - "Because I don't like a lot of foam on the lattes that's there." In the meantime, my drink is sitting next to the drink of a man who has an aversion to all things frothed. I carry some pretty colorful baggage, my friends, but I know when to leave them in the car, and YES, I usually crack a window.
I decide that I'm going to get my drink, even if someone ends up with a bruised kidney, because hey, I'm not sure how FoamHomer is gonna react. I will throw an elbow if necessary, in Starbucks or anywhere it's called for. So I stand as close to the guy as possible, reaching across him, my arm about 8 inches from his face... 8 inches,yeah, I measured it, heh heh... and say "Excuse my reach, I'm in the way." I didn't touch him, I didn't yell at him, and I even held back from hugging him and gently petting his balding bird-like head, whispering, "There we go, you're safe now. The foam won't get you."
The dictatertot throws a lengthy order into the hopper, and one bit of it, the least-important bit of it, next to "In a cup, please," is left out. Pop the top, check the foam levels. WTF? The point of this story is this: Whenever you think your Iced Grande Non-Fat Light Ice Latte is pushing boundaries, there's some change-paying waste of bladder space crying over foamed milk. You're fine.
p://www.geofflottrules.com/index.html">Home
Whistle Stumpenlegs behind me here at work has some sort of brain disconnect. This is a person who is frightened of silence. As if his thoughts will never manifest if he doesn't make some sort of noise at all times. He observes a strict open door policy, which is to say "Well hello, this here fella is one heck of a fella to know and to be a fella with. Come on in and we'll ring up a few whistly tuney tunes! WOO HOO WEEEE!" If I had an "Open Door Policy" it would be this: "If my door is open, close it."
I'd be way more upset if I weren't blogging about his bass-ackwards attempts at being "folksy" or so obscenely wine-drunk right now.
What's That Guy's Deal?
I encountered a complete a-hole today at Starbucks. The guy two spots ahead of me in line gets to the counter, and as he's ordering, he's got his face turned downward to his hand while he counts change, likely to be used to pay for his coffee. He's likely muttering, as the gal behind the counter says, "I'm sorry sir, I didn't get your order." His head snaps up and he leans with one hand on the counter, and repeats, in a condescending tone, "GRANDE DECAF NON-FAT 2-PUMP SUGAR FREE HAZELNUT NO FOAM EXTRA HOT LATTE."
The only man who should drink something that complicated is either Ryan Seacrest, because he's a teenage girl, or Geoff Lott, because I order whatever the frango I feel like ordering.
So the dude pays in change, even though he's wearing a pair of Cole Haans and the outfit of a man who is desk-boundly employed. In CHANGE, is this a Summer Camp? NO, it's a friggin' Starbucks. Hit a Coinstar first, use a Debit Card, or just steal a fresh drink off the counter, but don't pay in Change, Skippy, 'cause then they gotta count it, and my life is getting shorter than Joan Rivers' eyelids.
As the drink is placed on the counter, the cockstomer and the barista have a clash. The barista, already backlogged and dredlocked (how Now! that's What I Call Hip Hiring!), reads the order outloud, the way they've been taught, and leaves the "no-foam" part of his recitation. The asstomer says "No foam, right?" Barista dude - "Yeah, sorry, no foam." Dickstomer - "Are you sure?" Barista - "Positive, you can look and see, sir." Cockstomer - "Because I don't like a lot of foam on the lattes that's there." In the meantime, my drink is sitting next to the drink of a man who has an aversion to all things frothed. I carry some pretty colorful baggage, my friends, but I know when to leave them in the car, and YES, I usually crack a window.
I decide that I'm going to get my drink, even if someone ends up with a bruised kidney, because hey, I'm not sure how FoamHomer is gonna react. I will throw an elbow if necessary, in Starbucks or anywhere it's called for. So I stand as close to the guy as possible, reaching across him, my arm about 8 inches from his face... 8 inches,yeah, I measured it, heh heh... and say "Excuse my reach, I'm in the way." I didn't touch him, I didn't yell at him, and I even held back from hugging him and gently petting his balding bird-like head, whispering, "There we go, you're safe now. The foam won't get you."
The dictatertot throws a lengthy order into the hopper, and one bit of it, the least-important bit of it, next to "In a cup, please," is left out. Pop the top, check the foam levels. WTF? The point of this story is this: Whenever you think your Iced Grande Non-Fat Light Ice Latte is pushing boundaries, there's some change-paying waste of bladder space crying over foamed milk. You're fine.
p://www.geofflottrules.com/index.html">Home
Monday, March 29, 2004
This morning I sat on my couch and began meditating. I try to start the day with some inner-searching to allow my spirit catch up from the dream world it was just in. Some people call it hokey, but nobody's ever died by my hands. At least not since I started meditating. At least not with a garden trowel... Never you mind.
I began to meditate on the energies of my friends and loved ones (they're the same, actually), to radiate love and happiness to each of them. I imagined each of their faces, heads bowed, hands open to the prosperity and joy of the universe. Each breath I took lifted me higher into a state of conscious unconsciousness, to be awake and alert yet deeply removed from the Daily World.
I began to understand why some of my friends are angry at life. I began to see how I can encourage other friends. I could see myself making changes I've wanted to make. I could see one very special person's arms opening to allow love and happiness surround them, as their hesitations and fears were broken down by the strength of self-belief and incoming affection, fully in tune with their own ability to Love. We hugged each other across the planes of existence.
My breathing flattened my energy out to wrap around my Life, an entity I was once frightened of, the potential to be Great, the accompanying prosperous living of nice homes and things, with the right woman, perhaps children. No longer frightening, I embraced it and implanted thoughts of Who and What I want from my Life so that my beacon is set to address those things.
I understood fully that we can not be fixed, as we are not broken. Our souls cannot be damaged if we hold on to them and follow a moral compass. We each have a little bag where the slights and hurts of interactions past reside, and unless that bag is emptied and the contents placed in order and promptly burned, we carry our "baggage" and knock into others along our way. I imagined my bag, a black canvas bag. I opened the drawstring and poured out the contents. I saw how one hurt resembled an older one, but the colors of the newer one were much brighter. The older one was still solid, yet the color had faded. Carrying it around only added to the weight of the bag. I began to pile these items into a pyramid. I asked the Divine Power to take these things away from me. And they began to dissipate. They began to disappear.
As the love I sent to my dearest people radiated over me, as I allowed my spirit to open to the good of Life, as the hurt of a lifetime or more fell away I realized something in the middle of this universe, of which I am for my own existence. I realized something profound, something true, something grounding in the middle of my quest for Higher Consciousness...
People like dick jokes.
====================
Nice day out. How about shutting that computer down and doing something for YOU right now? I DARE YOU.
By-eeeeeee!
Take Me Home
I began to meditate on the energies of my friends and loved ones (they're the same, actually), to radiate love and happiness to each of them. I imagined each of their faces, heads bowed, hands open to the prosperity and joy of the universe. Each breath I took lifted me higher into a state of conscious unconsciousness, to be awake and alert yet deeply removed from the Daily World.
I began to understand why some of my friends are angry at life. I began to see how I can encourage other friends. I could see myself making changes I've wanted to make. I could see one very special person's arms opening to allow love and happiness surround them, as their hesitations and fears were broken down by the strength of self-belief and incoming affection, fully in tune with their own ability to Love. We hugged each other across the planes of existence.
My breathing flattened my energy out to wrap around my Life, an entity I was once frightened of, the potential to be Great, the accompanying prosperous living of nice homes and things, with the right woman, perhaps children. No longer frightening, I embraced it and implanted thoughts of Who and What I want from my Life so that my beacon is set to address those things.
I understood fully that we can not be fixed, as we are not broken. Our souls cannot be damaged if we hold on to them and follow a moral compass. We each have a little bag where the slights and hurts of interactions past reside, and unless that bag is emptied and the contents placed in order and promptly burned, we carry our "baggage" and knock into others along our way. I imagined my bag, a black canvas bag. I opened the drawstring and poured out the contents. I saw how one hurt resembled an older one, but the colors of the newer one were much brighter. The older one was still solid, yet the color had faded. Carrying it around only added to the weight of the bag. I began to pile these items into a pyramid. I asked the Divine Power to take these things away from me. And they began to dissipate. They began to disappear.
As the love I sent to my dearest people radiated over me, as I allowed my spirit to open to the good of Life, as the hurt of a lifetime or more fell away I realized something in the middle of this universe, of which I am for my own existence. I realized something profound, something true, something grounding in the middle of my quest for Higher Consciousness...
People like dick jokes.
====================
Nice day out. How about shutting that computer down and doing something for YOU right now? I DARE YOU.
By-eeeeeee!
Take Me Home
Thursday, March 25, 2004
Accomplishments
~ Showered, Shaved, Cologned, Dressed, Fed (Trader's Joes Apple-Cinnamon Cereal, non-fat milk, 45g protein shake)
~ Meditated on "remaining centered, remaining light, remaining hey folks thanks for having us here tonight at the Tacoma Sheraton where I'll be a pork tenderloin and that wine last night was so freakin' good I hope I have the bottle or the cork because holy shift supervisor at Alfy's Pizza when I was 16 was a total cock-a-doodle dog doo or doo not, that's not funny, there's no joke there, as long as I can get to work before 10 I should be able to get some decent parking lot attendants can kiss my honeybaked and look me in the I remain calm, remain as one with the moment, remain as a breath in, a breath out, remain as love, be as love, beastie beastie boys, aaaw yeeeeeah... did I eat yet?"
~ Deny that I have A.D.D.
~ Drive to work. Road Rage 743 - Me 2
~ Review action plan from yesterday. Ooops, I missed something. #3-A: Give two sh*ts.
~ IM with Shoogs-B
~ Question again whether or not I'd be a good father after almost choking on water.
~ Talk with M on the mo-bile 'bout nothin' I can put on here.
~ Review set-list for tonight (friggin' GOLDEN)
~ IM with Kilo G.
~ Almost miss a team call where we dialed-in and used the password "SUCKAGE." Review how to use webtool to track all time used on projects and other items of daily work. It's micromanagement minutiae.
~ Update webtool with "Blogging, bite me" project. It has no budget, yet I feel that since they won't lay me off, I'll just throw extra slack into the day. Call it a "rolling Layoff."
~ Read some of THE MOST REAL BLOG EVER, www.DOOCE.com
~ Despise Stumpy Von Whistlechunk for being stumpy and whistling and coughing and sniffing like an 88 Escort.
I think that's all of the parts left, anywhere.
~ Went to Quizno's... stop the singing!... for a sub. Honey Bourbon Chicken, it's gone now. Big sandy, it was the size of my head. And that's big.
~ List my goals. One of them is This. Another is This.
~ Forget the funniest thing I was gonna put on here, making it almost totally moot. How can I forget some of the things I want to dark chocolate is better than milk, any day. Frigging Valrhona will kick you in the nuggets. I could totally go for some 45 miles to Tacoma, 40 miles an hour avg., I should get there by Tuesday.
~ Realize that I'm not as big a player in the comedy scene as I thought I was. Take solace in that fact. Lightly brush hand past the grocery bundle.
~ Drink 53oz of water already today. Feelin' moist.
~ Fart. Sorry Aspenwood Conference Room... sorry it wasn't occupied when I did it.
~ Stop blogging.
G
Take Me Home
~ Showered, Shaved, Cologned, Dressed, Fed (Trader's Joes Apple-Cinnamon Cereal, non-fat milk, 45g protein shake)
~ Meditated on "remaining centered, remaining light, remaining hey folks thanks for having us here tonight at the Tacoma Sheraton where I'll be a pork tenderloin and that wine last night was so freakin' good I hope I have the bottle or the cork because holy shift supervisor at Alfy's Pizza when I was 16 was a total cock-a-doodle dog doo or doo not, that's not funny, there's no joke there, as long as I can get to work before 10 I should be able to get some decent parking lot attendants can kiss my honeybaked and look me in the I remain calm, remain as one with the moment, remain as a breath in, a breath out, remain as love, be as love, beastie beastie boys, aaaw yeeeeeah... did I eat yet?"
~ Deny that I have A.D.D.
~ Drive to work. Road Rage 743 - Me 2
~ Review action plan from yesterday. Ooops, I missed something. #3-A: Give two sh*ts.
~ IM with Shoogs-B
~ Question again whether or not I'd be a good father after almost choking on water.
~ Talk with M on the mo-bile 'bout nothin' I can put on here.
~ Review set-list for tonight (friggin' GOLDEN)
~ IM with Kilo G.
~ Almost miss a team call where we dialed-in and used the password "SUCKAGE." Review how to use webtool to track all time used on projects and other items of daily work. It's micromanagement minutiae.
~ Update webtool with "Blogging, bite me" project. It has no budget, yet I feel that since they won't lay me off, I'll just throw extra slack into the day. Call it a "rolling Layoff."
~ Read some of THE MOST REAL BLOG EVER, www.DOOCE.com
~ Despise Stumpy Von Whistlechunk for being stumpy and whistling and coughing and sniffing like an 88 Escort.
I think that's all of the parts left, anywhere.
~ Went to Quizno's... stop the singing!... for a sub. Honey Bourbon Chicken, it's gone now. Big sandy, it was the size of my head. And that's big.
~ List my goals. One of them is This. Another is This.
~ Forget the funniest thing I was gonna put on here, making it almost totally moot. How can I forget some of the things I want to dark chocolate is better than milk, any day. Frigging Valrhona will kick you in the nuggets. I could totally go for some 45 miles to Tacoma, 40 miles an hour avg., I should get there by Tuesday.
~ Realize that I'm not as big a player in the comedy scene as I thought I was. Take solace in that fact. Lightly brush hand past the grocery bundle.
~ Drink 53oz of water already today. Feelin' moist.
~ Fart. Sorry Aspenwood Conference Room... sorry it wasn't occupied when I did it.
~ Stop blogging.
G
Take Me Home
Right About Now, The Funk Soul Bruva
I have a gig tonight for a Lexus dealership that I'm sure I'm being paid WAY under the MSRP for. I didn't book it, I agreed to do the show. But it's pocket-style change and I get to slyly make fun of Car Sales-holes for 30 minutes. Mostly I'll be making fun of myself and my place in the world, but I'll let them know they're still just a notch or two above lawyers. Besides, Lexus paid however much for two guys they've never heard of to tell them jokes they won't remember at a moderately nice hotel. Lexus needs a Knute Rockne, not a c*ck joke.
My work laptop has been booting up for just under 23 minutes now. "The fastest wireless data network, ever." My cellphone could log in to the system faster than my Dell WheelChockXR9. Say it with me... "PILE OF SHIIIIIIaaaving cream." Dude, where's my job? India? Dhangh.
Epiphany this morning. Not going to divulge the what & such of it, but I feel like a weight was simultaneously ("at the same time," for the King Of Queens fans) taken from my shoulders and then wrapped 'round me heart. I think it's this feeling that pressed-forth the saying "Ignorance is Bliss." It was either this feeling or somebody who caught their grandma comin' out the pond after a skinny dippin'.
Oh lord, did anybody else just throw up a little?
Most Americans Oppose Gay Marriage. They're all for Gay Marriage, but not if they're gonna do all that gay stuff, like gay off with gays and totally gay up their gay parties. While America has a veritable Krystle vs. Alexis Carrington over whether or not people of the same sex should be allowed to have the same rights as a serial inseminator with a penchant for bathtub crank and fishin' shows, there's a cave full of Yankee Haters in the Middle Earth planning their next move. Let's get the Department for HomoLand Security on this right away. Do we have a surplus of love we're trying to trim down lately? I judge people on what they do. They're here, they're queer, I'm used to it, and now it's their turn to buy a round, and NOBODY leaves the bar before buying a round.
If you're that deeply affected by somebody you don't know doing something you never see in place you've never heard of, you're either psychic, psychotic, or a Falwell. Hey, let's have a sit-down and we can talk a bit. Give me directions to your glass house, I'll bring tea and some Windex and my friend Maurice to redecorate.
Can't Buy Me Love. Underappreciated? Come on... Ronald McDonald Miller's "African Anteater Ritual" is classic, no? "Aaaw, he must be in Special Ed." The best slow-clap of all time after Kenneth and Ron... I'm done, you can't follow this, I'm done with you.
What about Kenneth crying in the arcade after throwing Ronald into the Galaga machine because Ronald "sh*t on (his) house, man. You sh*t on my house."
So far, so what.
Geoff Lott... yeah, do something.
Take Me Home
I have a gig tonight for a Lexus dealership that I'm sure I'm being paid WAY under the MSRP for. I didn't book it, I agreed to do the show. But it's pocket-style change and I get to slyly make fun of Car Sales-holes for 30 minutes. Mostly I'll be making fun of myself and my place in the world, but I'll let them know they're still just a notch or two above lawyers. Besides, Lexus paid however much for two guys they've never heard of to tell them jokes they won't remember at a moderately nice hotel. Lexus needs a Knute Rockne, not a c*ck joke.
My work laptop has been booting up for just under 23 minutes now. "The fastest wireless data network, ever." My cellphone could log in to the system faster than my Dell WheelChockXR9. Say it with me... "PILE OF SHIIIIIIaaaving cream." Dude, where's my job? India? Dhangh.
Epiphany this morning. Not going to divulge the what & such of it, but I feel like a weight was simultaneously ("at the same time," for the King Of Queens fans) taken from my shoulders and then wrapped 'round me heart. I think it's this feeling that pressed-forth the saying "Ignorance is Bliss." It was either this feeling or somebody who caught their grandma comin' out the pond after a skinny dippin'.
Oh lord, did anybody else just throw up a little?
Most Americans Oppose Gay Marriage. They're all for Gay Marriage, but not if they're gonna do all that gay stuff, like gay off with gays and totally gay up their gay parties. While America has a veritable Krystle vs. Alexis Carrington over whether or not people of the same sex should be allowed to have the same rights as a serial inseminator with a penchant for bathtub crank and fishin' shows, there's a cave full of Yankee Haters in the Middle Earth planning their next move. Let's get the Department for HomoLand Security on this right away. Do we have a surplus of love we're trying to trim down lately? I judge people on what they do. They're here, they're queer, I'm used to it, and now it's their turn to buy a round, and NOBODY leaves the bar before buying a round.
If you're that deeply affected by somebody you don't know doing something you never see in place you've never heard of, you're either psychic, psychotic, or a Falwell. Hey, let's have a sit-down and we can talk a bit. Give me directions to your glass house, I'll bring tea and some Windex and my friend Maurice to redecorate.
Can't Buy Me Love. Underappreciated? Come on... Ronald McDonald Miller's "African Anteater Ritual" is classic, no? "Aaaw, he must be in Special Ed." The best slow-clap of all time after Kenneth and Ron... I'm done, you can't follow this, I'm done with you.
What about Kenneth crying in the arcade after throwing Ronald into the Galaga machine because Ronald "sh*t on (his) house, man. You sh*t on my house."
So far, so what.
Geoff Lott... yeah, do something.
Take Me Home
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
A guy asked me why I was taking the stairs this morning. I couldn’t tell him the truth, which was, even though he had an elevator waiting, I really couldn’t stand to talk to him for 30 seconds as my first human interaction of the day.
Idiot: “Yeah, so the contingency for the roll-out is in effect and now everybody’s depressed. How’s your morning?”
G-off: ”I should have been in Olympia last night, and now I’m hoping to just make it through the morning without a felony arrest or hallucinogenics. Nice sweater, is that HyperColor?”
I fibbed a little and told him I always take the stairs. I didn’t tell him it helps with a hangover.
“Personality” Out The Wazzu
Last night I was chatting away with M, who is the cat’s jammies, and we started talking about personality. I mentioned that I had once met somebody who didn’t have any personality, just kind of a Being and not really an Entity. I don’t work well with those kind of people. I’m far too extroverted to have a speedbump of a human being sitting there in my road to Funberg. So as we’re chatting away M, who is all killer and no filler, mentioned “well, personality can mean a lot of things.” True dat.
Personality I suppose can be negative, not just a person’s ebullient jocularity. A Personality is a ToyChest of Moods and Moments, and together they create either one Personality, or if you’re really smart, you channel another personality, call it “CrinkleFry, the 4,000 Year Old Mystic Weasel,” and bilk $5,000 weekends out of saps looking for a Higher Calling. Your Person-ality is the Outward expression of your experiences in life. Some people have a bright Personality, and some people are just, well, hungover today.
Moods are like the weather. It’s different with anyone, and some people become less like Weather and more like Climates when they’re together. Sun can be happy as much as it can be overbearing. Rain can be drowning as much as it can be helpful to growth. Some rain, some sun, and things grow. Rain, rain, rain, and your prize pumpkin ain’t gonna grow and all your best shirts get mildew and then the umbrellas come out. Too much sun and you scorch things and cause tumors, and then we wear sunscreen and can’t stand to be in it for too long.
The key is to be balanced. Not too much Rain, not too much Sun, not too much Wind, not too much Cold. If you can temper your Rain with some warmth, it’s a little more tolerable. If you can shine some Sun and have a few clouds, people won’t get burned out. If you can throw a little Sunbreak into your Cold days, people take notice and make sure they give your Carpenter’s CDs back sooner. Just ask anybody who lives in Seattle. Basically you can’t predict anybody’s Personality, no matter how many radars and experts you have trained on them.
As I write this, there’s a heavy rain being blown into the windows of this building. I know M, who isn’t taking any of your shine-ola Buster, is in the middle of this deluge, and that has a dampening effect my mood.
The preceding message was brought to you by AntiDepressants: AntiDepressants don’t kill people, untreated psychiatric disorders and God-Complex Doctors, among other things, kill people.
Take Me Home
Idiot: “Yeah, so the contingency for the roll-out is in effect and now everybody’s depressed. How’s your morning?”
G-off: ”I should have been in Olympia last night, and now I’m hoping to just make it through the morning without a felony arrest or hallucinogenics. Nice sweater, is that HyperColor?”
I fibbed a little and told him I always take the stairs. I didn’t tell him it helps with a hangover.
“Personality” Out The Wazzu
Last night I was chatting away with M, who is the cat’s jammies, and we started talking about personality. I mentioned that I had once met somebody who didn’t have any personality, just kind of a Being and not really an Entity. I don’t work well with those kind of people. I’m far too extroverted to have a speedbump of a human being sitting there in my road to Funberg. So as we’re chatting away M, who is all killer and no filler, mentioned “well, personality can mean a lot of things.” True dat.
Personality I suppose can be negative, not just a person’s ebullient jocularity. A Personality is a ToyChest of Moods and Moments, and together they create either one Personality, or if you’re really smart, you channel another personality, call it “CrinkleFry, the 4,000 Year Old Mystic Weasel,” and bilk $5,000 weekends out of saps looking for a Higher Calling. Your Person-ality is the Outward expression of your experiences in life. Some people have a bright Personality, and some people are just, well, hungover today.
Moods are like the weather. It’s different with anyone, and some people become less like Weather and more like Climates when they’re together. Sun can be happy as much as it can be overbearing. Rain can be drowning as much as it can be helpful to growth. Some rain, some sun, and things grow. Rain, rain, rain, and your prize pumpkin ain’t gonna grow and all your best shirts get mildew and then the umbrellas come out. Too much sun and you scorch things and cause tumors, and then we wear sunscreen and can’t stand to be in it for too long.
The key is to be balanced. Not too much Rain, not too much Sun, not too much Wind, not too much Cold. If you can temper your Rain with some warmth, it’s a little more tolerable. If you can shine some Sun and have a few clouds, people won’t get burned out. If you can throw a little Sunbreak into your Cold days, people take notice and make sure they give your Carpenter’s CDs back sooner. Just ask anybody who lives in Seattle. Basically you can’t predict anybody’s Personality, no matter how many radars and experts you have trained on them.
As I write this, there’s a heavy rain being blown into the windows of this building. I know M, who isn’t taking any of your shine-ola Buster, is in the middle of this deluge, and that has a dampening effect my mood.
The preceding message was brought to you by AntiDepressants: AntiDepressants don’t kill people, untreated psychiatric disorders and God-Complex Doctors, among other things, kill people.
Take Me Home
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Tuesday and No Changes! What the pup?
That puppy report I was doing yester-puppy-day is still puppy running! It was corrupt yesterday due to, oh gosh, a puppy drive that didn't want to puppy up the puppy data I needed. This is like having a fight with your neighbor that never stops. I'd say "a fight with a psychotic ex-girlfriend," but my database doesn't call me to pick it up from some dude's house because he ran out of Tequila and she feels like drinking more!
However, much like a psychotic ex of mine, this puppy database IS stealing moments of my life that would be better spent elsewhere. If I could choose 5 minutes with that crazy puppy spore or a walk across hot coals with my besties in a C-clamp... grab the matches and tighten that screw down pronto.
The puppy whistling puppy-sock is back, so I'm going to lunch. Everyone with a puppy door in this corridor just closed-up due to his puppy whistling. What a pile of puppy split.
Not one dirty word, and all the rage is out!
G
That puppy report I was doing yester-puppy-day is still puppy running! It was corrupt yesterday due to, oh gosh, a puppy drive that didn't want to puppy up the puppy data I needed. This is like having a fight with your neighbor that never stops. I'd say "a fight with a psychotic ex-girlfriend," but my database doesn't call me to pick it up from some dude's house because he ran out of Tequila and she feels like drinking more!
However, much like a psychotic ex of mine, this puppy database IS stealing moments of my life that would be better spent elsewhere. If I could choose 5 minutes with that crazy puppy spore or a walk across hot coals with my besties in a C-clamp... grab the matches and tighten that screw down pronto.
The puppy whistling puppy-sock is back, so I'm going to lunch. Everyone with a puppy door in this corridor just closed-up due to his puppy whistling. What a pile of puppy split.
Not one dirty word, and all the rage is out!
G
Monday, March 22, 2004
Fakin' It 'Til I'm Makin' It
Here's what I do at my job, to stay sane.
1) If it's the day after a drawing, I check my Lotto numbers at work. I wait until I'm at work so that I can have a dramatic exit that includes the words "leverage," "market share," and "my honeybaked ham in your face." Why hang out for references? I'M RICH!
2) I walk around with my earbud from my cell-phone plopped in my earhole, and my phone in my hand. If someone I no wanna talky to comes by, I nod and silenty say "Hey," then wave the phone as if to say "my pending ear tumor beats your ideas of upgrading the Sonics by a long shot. You suck."
3) Fake keyboard: I want one so I can hammer away, quickly, and make people think I'm throwing work around like beads at Mardi Gras. Most of my work goes to boobs, anyway. Yes, I see the loopholes in using a fake keyboard. Send me your comments in the form of cash.
4) Conference Room Ninja attacks. Lots of meetings going on. When one wraps up and another one is happening soon after, I'll sneak in and write something on a whiteboard to mess with folks. Just make a fake list, if you like. My recent favorite is as follows
1: Budget & Restrictions: Cut training, cut promotions, downgrade bonuses, decrease benefits
2: Headcount Reductions & De-Hirings: Most of NW Corner of building gone in 25 days
3: Office Supply Purchase Moratorium: Must supply own Pens and Chairs
4: Executive Trip: Hawaii or Mexico?, Discuss menus, entertainment, duration of stay (5 or 7 days?)
Paranoia works two ways, no?
What I Do For My Job:
Do not read this entry while operating heavy machinery.
I run reports that reflect the amount of time it took for an IT-related issue to get resolved. The time-to-resolution is tracked in an application called Remedy, which is pretty close to an old "buttons and sh-shing!" cash-register. The time starts when a new record is created by an employee. Each record has an assigned "Severity Level," depending upon how big the problem is. A big issue would be, for example, when a heavily-used file, e-mail, or web-server decides to do something other than work properly, and there are about 300 different reasons for that to happen, to be modest. A small issue is accidentally deleting an e-mail and needing to have it recovered. That usually means a call from "beeg weeg" who needs "to have the e-mail team back the server up to the time the e-mail existed and re-fresh my mailbox, because I need that (insert recipe or directions to some lawn party at a fat white dude's house) ASAP," usually pronounced "ay-sap" because the caller's self-importance far outweighs their courtesies or coolness or knowledge of retrieving deleted e-mails. [Click on Deleted Items>>Tools Menu>>Recover Deleted Items>>Choose proper message to retrieve>>Understand that we all get laughed at for this kind of thing]
So when the work is done and the record rolls off "live" status to "closed" status, it is available to my database for retrieval. I enter a date range to grab all data for a month (it's cumulative, a Latin word for "morbidly useless data"), and it takes about 90 minutes for the database to pool the data, and that’s only if the database runs all the way through. Sometimes it runs for 2 hours then vomits an error message, but I don't know it vomits because the screen goes blank after 20 minutes and I'm not always at my desk, as you read above.
Next I run an Excel spreadsheet that formats the data, which is then accessed by another report in Access (it goes from Access to Excel, back to Access… um…), and then kicked back to Excel… wake up… to be formatted into the weekly or monthly reports. Then I send those reports out to peeps hosting LawnParties this weekend, and they don't tell me how they liked it, and I don't get invited to any parties.
If anyone needs me I'll be drying my tears with Dilbert "bathroom tissue."
Help Me Help Myself to Office Supplies,
Geoffers
Here's what I do at my job, to stay sane.
1) If it's the day after a drawing, I check my Lotto numbers at work. I wait until I'm at work so that I can have a dramatic exit that includes the words "leverage," "market share," and "my honeybaked ham in your face." Why hang out for references? I'M RICH!
2) I walk around with my earbud from my cell-phone plopped in my earhole, and my phone in my hand. If someone I no wanna talky to comes by, I nod and silenty say "Hey," then wave the phone as if to say "my pending ear tumor beats your ideas of upgrading the Sonics by a long shot. You suck."
3) Fake keyboard: I want one so I can hammer away, quickly, and make people think I'm throwing work around like beads at Mardi Gras. Most of my work goes to boobs, anyway. Yes, I see the loopholes in using a fake keyboard. Send me your comments in the form of cash.
4) Conference Room Ninja attacks. Lots of meetings going on. When one wraps up and another one is happening soon after, I'll sneak in and write something on a whiteboard to mess with folks. Just make a fake list, if you like. My recent favorite is as follows
1: Budget & Restrictions: Cut training, cut promotions, downgrade bonuses, decrease benefits
2: Headcount Reductions & De-Hirings: Most of NW Corner of building gone in 25 days
3: Office Supply Purchase Moratorium: Must supply own Pens and Chairs
4: Executive Trip: Hawaii or Mexico?, Discuss menus, entertainment, duration of stay (5 or 7 days?)
Paranoia works two ways, no?
What I Do For My Job:
Do not read this entry while operating heavy machinery.
I run reports that reflect the amount of time it took for an IT-related issue to get resolved. The time-to-resolution is tracked in an application called Remedy, which is pretty close to an old "buttons and sh-shing!" cash-register. The time starts when a new record is created by an employee. Each record has an assigned "Severity Level," depending upon how big the problem is. A big issue would be, for example, when a heavily-used file, e-mail, or web-server decides to do something other than work properly, and there are about 300 different reasons for that to happen, to be modest. A small issue is accidentally deleting an e-mail and needing to have it recovered. That usually means a call from "beeg weeg" who needs "to have the e-mail team back the server up to the time the e-mail existed and re-fresh my mailbox, because I need that (insert recipe or directions to some lawn party at a fat white dude's house) ASAP," usually pronounced "ay-sap" because the caller's self-importance far outweighs their courtesies or coolness or knowledge of retrieving deleted e-mails. [Click on Deleted Items>>Tools Menu>>Recover Deleted Items>>Choose proper message to retrieve>>Understand that we all get laughed at for this kind of thing]
So when the work is done and the record rolls off "live" status to "closed" status, it is available to my database for retrieval. I enter a date range to grab all data for a month (it's cumulative, a Latin word for "morbidly useless data"), and it takes about 90 minutes for the database to pool the data, and that’s only if the database runs all the way through. Sometimes it runs for 2 hours then vomits an error message, but I don't know it vomits because the screen goes blank after 20 minutes and I'm not always at my desk, as you read above.
Next I run an Excel spreadsheet that formats the data, which is then accessed by another report in Access (it goes from Access to Excel, back to Access… um…), and then kicked back to Excel… wake up… to be formatted into the weekly or monthly reports. Then I send those reports out to peeps hosting LawnParties this weekend, and they don't tell me how they liked it, and I don't get invited to any parties.
If anyone needs me I'll be drying my tears with Dilbert "bathroom tissue."
Help Me Help Myself to Office Supplies,
Geoffers
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