The pace of buying a home, moving out, storing, moving in, painting, gigs, work, car breakdowns, reading, writing, filming, crinkling my nose at co-workers wearing tear-away pants to work, and general, you know, boolshit has officially taken it's toll on me.
Not but a few weeks ago I felt concern for others. Now I'm back to not really giving a shit if you get your numbers or not. Did I dawdle at a yellow and make you miss a light? Blame your slapped-seven-times snooze button, shit pig. Six would've had you eight minutes ahead of your day, and you wouldn't be back there fuming. And I do so hope you are fuming.
I'm not saying I've lost faith in humanity. That happened long ago. Life ain't all home-makeover shows and winning Lotto tickets, is it? In fact, Life ain't even close, is it? No, Life gives greatly to a few, and randomly so, in order to make us wonder, "Hey, why did THAT shitpile get a new Mustang?" Because God knows that guy who has lost three marriages and 8 kids to drugs, jail, crime, and more drugs should have a sweet car to sell so he can pay, not child support, but for that final, life-ending speedball.
Wait a second... did I just sniff some fairness? Blow me if that dudn't smell like hot apple pie and multiple orgasms the day after your least favorite co-worker gets escorted from the building by turkish prison doctors.
I know it'll all come out in the wash, but I'm humoring myself with my own prickishness for a wee bit. I'm not going to hurt anybody. I'm not driving under the influence of Tom Leykis or teaching blind kids to mime. But I have done the following:
* Closed doors to overly-loud, non-Geoff-affecting meetings on a half-hourly schedule.
* Told people "no" on a regular and frequent basis when their request neither benefits my reputation nor provides them any substantial foothold in being cool.
* Have avoided talking with people who I like while I'm within the sepia-toned fog of a beer hangover.
What I would really like to do now is tell this particularly self-loathing yet self-involved woman at work, "Hey dear... that's quite enough of the stories that affect only you." Yesterday was a 45 minute diatribe in her boss's office (door open) about how raising kids is the hardest thing in the world, how hard it is to be a good mom, how being a mom is like being a Drill Instructor and a Teddy Bear all at the same time... On and on. What I heard was...
"My 4 year old twins don't understand all the hell I go through just to get home and care for them. Instead of just loving them the best I can by being a Parent, I'm going to assume the Martyr role and secretly harbor resentment towards them because, as you can know I am a twice-divorced woman (door's been open other times), men cannot be counted on to contribute to my happiness, regardless if they are drunk on a couch, drunk on a lawn mower, drunk on my sister, or just innocent little kids who will eventually resent women, or at the least, never leave home so they'll take care of me. It's the circle of my life, like the elastic waist in my stirrup pants. Yes, this is a cable-knit cardigan."
or
"Gawd, that guy around the corner should stop wearing headphones. He'd probably be able to hear how much he farts."
I guess it's all in the tone of voice, you had to be there. I literally HAD to be there.
In the meantime, I should sum it up by saying this ain't a pity party. I have too much perspective on my life to get down over the burn I'm feeling lately. I've had much worse come my way, mostly of my own doing, and always came out stronger. That doesn't replace the want to call somebody taking too long at the grocery store a "canopy-dwelling pygmy slow loris," but it is, time to time, a nice balm.
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In another part of the galaxy, Jay Leno continues to rack up points in Purgatory for his egomaniacal projects. You think Heaven would book Leno over Hedberg, Hicks, and Dangerfield? And even hell would say "Oh come on, we don't want him... It's already Hell."
Jay has pledged to ride his celebrity-autographed motorcycle 'round the U.S. to raise money for Tsunami relief. Okay, the tsunami... yeah, the big wave that killed hundreds of thousands of pairs of your favorite jeans in December... was horrible. It's a major wake-up call to the rest of the world to start reading their Bibles. Christianity is about as popular in Thailand as having sex with a legal-aged woman in Thailand. Look up. That's the bar for Tsunami jokes. I may be able to best that.
Here's what chaps my Shandling. Jay is doing something he loves to do (blather, annoy others), on a great motorcycle, during the nicest time of year in America. It's for a TSUNAMI RELIEF EFFORT! Tsunami! Waves! Water! Destruction! Death! It's not a thoughtful gesture to have Matt Lauer interviewing you every Thursday to see where in the states your chin has ended up. Shouldn't he have to jump a Bellagio fountain full of his Michael Jackson jokes to make it seem like an effort?
Then again, the Rockies right now? Gorgeous. At least somebody is doing SOMETHING to help those people affected by the Tsunami... 6 months later.
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Thanks. I feel better. I guess I needed to write a bit.
BTW, I have no opinion on Cupcakes v. Muffins. They are equally delicious. However, I have serious issues with any pastry that is overflowing their cup all sloppy.
Take Me Home
My Blog About My Dad
Geoff Lott: Comedian, Writer, Philosoteur. I am here to amuse you, not entertain you. If not now, later. If not you, somebody else. If you can't laugh at yourself, that's just fine, too. I will do it for you.
8 comments:
I always wondered how total dipshit dorks bought REALLY expensive houses, new cars, boats, jet-ski's, and stuff. I used to think that income level was proportional to IQ and intellect. Now I realize it's about debt management, or lack there of. These idjits just finance themselves to the hilt without really thinking about how many decades it will take to get out of debt and how much interest they'll end up paying over the long haul. I guess they figure they can pass the burden to their next generation like the national debt. That's the only way I can figure why these same people give birth to a plethera of ill-mannered cretins. They can't find time to properly raise their feral off-spring, because they're busy working to pay for all their useless crap. But it is important to impress your neighbors and people you don't even know.
That's NINE minutes per slap on my snooze button, turd munch. At 6 or 7 slaps, I'm so far behind you I don't give a rat's ass.
Now I just need to get one with a remote control, and I'll never have to be productive.
Hmm, I'm sensing bitterness, resentment, and a need to judge. I like that first comment a LOT. Yeah, I know some dudes who are in debt up to both of their earrings and just re-fi'ed their 8month-old Yukon with a PayDay Loan. Appearances, all of it. The Joneses could give a shit about being kept up with while they figure out how to get stains off the microfiber play pads. Group Swap's on Friday!
Or it could be that some people aren't afraid to work harder than others at jobs that don't sound all that interesting, but they dig it, and they gain both success and dough. Either, or. Eh, I'm not really concerned about it. I have a kitchen from the 1970s wedged into a condo from the 2000's. Looking forward to the remodel, then selling it to a dipshit dork with...
Debt management is a bad thing? That's how you get out of debt. That first person sounds like a bitter turdchute. Using words like "feral" and "intellect" don't impress anybody, btw. I'm sure you weren't trying to. Done.
Enjoy living below the median just because you think you're noble in having less, when the odds are you are just lazy, and probably unattractive. Deprivation-thinking is a great way to keep away some of the best opportunities in life. Travel isn't free. Throwing parties for and with friends isn't free. Buying your next Volvo will probably cost you at least a few Smiths vinyls.
There are plenty of assholes with no clue. Be above that.
First poster here.
Live within YOUR means shithead. I AM living above the norm and not eyeballs deep in debt. Go get your payday loan and end up paying almost twice as much for items. I guess that's how you can be PRETEND rich, and keep up with the Jonesing. Get more credit cards to pay off other credit cards. You obviously learned math at a public school, where you learned it's more important to feel good about yourself than be fiscally responsible.
People like you care more about acquiring "stuff" than raising decent children who are responsible for their actions. I'm sure as soon as you lose your middle management time-wasting job you'll declare bankruptcy, claim you're not responsible, and defer the burden to us financially responsible.
BTW, I'm devastatingly handsome and have owned a new Corvette and Lexus.
Living without debt is truly Living, that's a goal of mine. I think a lot of the debt problems come from poor education of how much it sucks to have debt, to be paying interest on something you probably donated or already replaced, AFTER you've already paid sales tax.
However, I will never buy a brand new car again, that's one of the largest financial burdens a person can undertake, right up there with drug addiction and weddings.
Nearly half of all bankruptcies in the US are a result of debt from Medical bills. The other 50% is divided among credit debt, corporate pension scams, divorce, and buying too many Real Estate investment programs off the TV from the Pygmy Twins.
First Poster... share your knowledge of staying out of debt, please. Could enlighten a lot of folks.
First poster, again.
No real secrets of financial planning, mostly common sense and not getting in too deep for the wrong reason.
Most of these you've probably heard before.
First, it helps to have a good paying job to begin with, but most of these work for any income level.
Get a good education in a field that is in demand. You might luck out and get a great job out of high school, but there's no substitute for a sheep skin.
It helps if you can start with a clean slate.
Pay yourself first. Have money for retirement plans deducted from your paycheck before you get it. If you don't see the money, you won't/can't spend it.
Pay off any car loans ASAP, there's nothing gained by paying for cars on credit, except for establishing your credit. If you own a business, you may be able to write it off.
Use your credit to buy a house or real estate. It's something that will gain equity (value) the more you pay and the more it increases in market value.
Above your rent or mortgage and monthly living expenses (utilities, gas, food), you should have some money leftover (hopefully it's at least a few hundred dollars). Instead of spending it on wasteful items, save it for specific purposes. If you saved that for 6-12 months you could have a sweet big screen TV. Would it be that hard to deny yourself for a year? What's a year? It goes by in a blink. If you bought it immediately on your credit card, it could take years to payoff, plus you'd have interest on top of it. Most household items only take a few months to save for. Credit shouldn't be used for small items that won't gain or retain value.
Rent "stuff" whenever possible. You can rent RV's, boats, jet-ski's, quad bikes, and dirt bikes. Why buy these if you're only going to use them a few times a year? That also saves the vehicle registration fee and insurance on these items. You just get insurance when you rent them. Of course it's hard to impress the neighbors if you don't have them in your driveway under a tarp for 10 months out of the year. Those items usually lose value quickly, so if you rent, you can always have the latest model.
The worst things I've seen put on credit varies from fast food to camera phones for your kids.
Save for any trips or vacations. It really doesn't take that long and it really sucks paying for months for a vacation that lasted only days.
If your lucky you can avoid serious illness, that's the biggest threat to financial stability we all face.
Hope this helps someone.
First poster, again.
I thought of a few more things.
When investing, make sure it's someone reputable that you can trust. If you follow the stock market even casually, you'll have noticed that the Dow Jones has been around 10,000 points and the NASDAQ has been around 2,000 points since approx. 2001, but people continue to make money. The experienced investors have all the inside information on what to invest in and when.
Rent, don't buy porn.
Be extremely careful who you marry. Don't marry for money (unless they're a young hot rich stupid hotel heiress), but realize that it's also a financial merger and cover your assets.
Get lubed-up on liquor before you go out at night(or take a bottle with you). You'll never catch a buzz on watered-down $5 drinks (not counting tipping the bar-slut, er I mean maid).
Remember, oral sex saves on contraceptives.
Stay away from Italian cars, British food, and German women.
I've strayed from the subject, but you get the general idea.
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