Sad to say, last night during the Mariners - Yankees Game, a man by the name of John Douchebag broke into my girlfriend's car. Smashed in the passenger window, mauled the dash in an attempt to make off with the stereo, and instead left with a handful of CDs. Hours of inconvenience, caused in a few moments, raising insurance rates for all of us. Oh yeah, and don't get me started on the Insurance Industry just yet.
Thievery Douche-ola didn't make off with nearly enough of my girlfriend's belongings to make worthwhile the hassles of getting a new window and all the paperwork handled. But she did call the police in order to get a report and a case number. From all accounts, the officer was a total dickhole.
I know that car burgles ain't all that exciting to cops. Got it. Mostly just paperwork and But this guy was a wad. I hope that it's not reflective of the police force as a whole. Sheesh, that guy's probably my counterpart on his job: Grumpy and Rumpled and ready to move on. But after the shit's gone down, he tells my girlfriend "You shouldn't leave stuff in your car." Thank you, Officer. Sorry to interrupt your shaking down of prostitutes.
That's right, people. Every crime enacted against you is your fault. I have forgotten that so many times. Every time I was bullied, my fault for making the bully mad. Every time a car was broken into, my fault for parking somewhere other than where I could stay up all night and stare at it. Every time a woman is followed into a dark alley, that whore... And every time your pension fund is raided, or your identity is stolen, or you are molested via e-mail... It is YOUR fault, and you must exact the proper measures so that NEVER AGAIN is the line you are in cut into by someone who feels they are the only person that matters.
Is it that the police are no longer "peace keepers?" They are Law Enforcement Officers, damn you, and will be respected as such. It is is VITAL to their well-being to treat every situation, from a cat stuck tree-ward to a drunken man firing a submachine gun at his adopted immigrant workforce children stuck tree-ward, the SAME. You MUST be in control. Show no compassion. Show no weakness. Show your mustache and flat-top. And speak in short sentences.
A police presence wouldn't stop crime, by the numbers. It would just flush it to other areas. The only thing that can stop crime is, quite simply, vigilante justice. Arm yourself with alarms, firearms, explosives, and cobras. Imagine that... somebody breaks into your house while you're at Eric Clapton's Rehab Island and all they hear is "ssssssssssss." Right until the SPROING! YEAH CRIMINIAL, YOU GOT A COBRA ON YOUR EYE!!! For many years I have wanted to create a car alarm system that reacts in the following way:
All electronics are wired to a main system that is dis-armed when the key is in the ignition. The main system is then wired to low-grade explosives or a flamethrower. If any item on the dashboard is disengaged from the BoomBoom-GL and the key is not in place... well... BLAM. The car blows up. Look, if you're gonna break into my car, let's have a f*cking SHOW. My insurance will go up $25 a quarter either way. Bye bye criminals.
Got any stories of dis-enchanted cops? Here's another one. Three years ago I'm at the stoplight at Denny and Westlake, behind two cruisers, side by side. Heading Northbound, away from the station, I figure these guys are just on-shift at 10pm. They're talking out their windows to each other. The light turns green, they chat a few seconds more as a MiniVan RUNS the red light heading East, right in front of the cops. They watch the MV, look at each other, shrug, and carry on. No harm, no foul, I guess.
Let's hear your stories of police officers wrapped up in being a Cop more than being a helpful person in the public eye.
Police are not the enemy, they are people who have to make decisions about whether to shoot or beat the minority first, then assess the situation. What are we gonna do?
However, they maced, gassed, and beat living hell out of the Hippies back around the WTO situation, so they've got that going for them. Oh, and crowning the meatheads during the Seattle Mardi Gras melee was STELLAR, although their presence didn't help for that young man who was beaten to death.
I'm gonna need a good lawyer.
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Take Me Home
My Blog About My Dad
Geoff Lott: Comedian, Writer, Philosoteur. I am here to amuse you, not entertain you. If not now, later. If not you, somebody else. If you can't laugh at yourself, that's just fine, too. I will do it for you.
5 comments:
First of all to say, It's a shitty job and I wouldn't want to do it. It takes a certain type of a-hole to want that job.
They act like they only get paid for felony collars, and misdemeanors aren't worth their time or effort. For a felony arrest they endanger your life with high-speed chases and stray bullets.
If your girlfriend makes an insurance claim AND they catch Mr. Douchebag, she'll more than likely end up suffering more inconvenience and financial loss. I just tape a bunch of twenties to my car and hope that satifies their need for crack money.
Last week I came back out to my car after paying for gas and an old Datsun (so old it wasn't a Nissan) had it's front bumper against mine. It was only scratching my bumper, but the idea that someone would be so inconsiderate totally pissed me off. I waited for him to come back to his car and said "What gives?", motioning to my bumper. His response was, "No habla Ingles". He might as well said, "I just analy raped your mother". I was so inferiated, and there was nothing I could do. The damage wasn't worth involving police or insurance companies, and he was totally oblivious and uncaring. It was probably MY fault for parking where he could hit me. I think this is how law abiding citizens go "postal" and wipe out their neighborhood.
There
Is
No
Justice
On the bright side, this means that there's no more Enrique Iglesias CDs.
Found the CDs! In fact, I found a number of Enrique's CDs, some still in the case and shrink-wrap.
Ain't it somethin'?
Did they nab your gurlfriends Ludacris CD? That would really suck. That would warrant a beat-down. Luda Rox!
Because it's not a joke, even if somebody's trying to make it as such, Ludacris is not cool. He is the Offspring's Dexter Holland, only rapping. One voice, one intonation, minimal talent. Ain't my cup of tea.
Bullott
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