Bleach Your Ass, Soul.

Last night I watched an episode of MTV's "I Want a Famous Face." It's a new program about celebrity worship to the Nth-degree, where an idiot has surgery to resemble a celebrity some drunken, saggy-assed banker once told them they kind of looked like in order to see their soon-to-be-bleached butthole. Yes, people are doing this now as a matter of vanity. I know mine belies my rosey complexion. It's always embarrassed me around the Turkish steam bath.

In last night's "I Want a Better Life/Famous Face" the subject of the fawk-u-mentary was a ho-tard in New Jersey or somewhere in the NorthEast. Her name is unimportant, but it was Jenee, and probably still is. She was obsessed with looking like Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, an actress whose parents couldn't figure out what to call her; "our daughter the topless model" or "our daughter the stripper." So they named her one of each. Anyhole, TAT is, by my own caveman brain, a good-looking woman. The chick who wanted to look like her was last-call decent.

Sadly, Jenee was born with a major birth defect, missing most of her self-esteem and personality. Neediness and anger issues with her dad had grown instead. And somewhere along the line, when the lights were low and her blue contacts were in place, and she had mascara'ed the mole onto her cheek, and somebody glanced at her quickly, she was told she looked like Tiffani Deborah-Gibson. From that party behind the Gas & Grumps forward, Jenee decided that was good enough and dedicated herself to trying to continue looking like Tiffani-Amber Waves.

Jenee fought with her boyfriend who she asked if there would be a problem if she sent her "after" pictures to Playboy, and what if she got into Playboy and moved to Los Angeles, would he move with her, because he wasn't doing nothing there anyway?!?! She was harshly annoying, but she was right. At one point he was interviewed while playing XBox and wearing his headset to talk with other players, while she sat on the other end of the bed (it's in the bedroom!?) going glassy-eyed over ending up in People magazine, hanging off of Luke Perry's hard-on like a trout on opening day of fishing season. Jenee wanted a "better life" than the one she had. She was a hairstylist in her mom's salon. Which means she took classes into the hundreds of hours to become a stylist, she didn't fall into it backwards. Her "better life" likely consisted of getting roofied more often and maybe someday waking up in bed that didn't have Star Wars sheets. Her famous face would get her there!

But Jenee didn't get a famous face. Jenee, instead, dropped $13,000 to get new tits, and have about 9 liters of fat sucked out of her midsection and thighs. If she really wanted to look like Marcia-Marcia Marcia, she would have needed a nose job to put a button on that horn of hers. Nope, tits and ribs. They sucked out fat like they were detailing her Acura. Afterwards she couldn't sit down to pee. Her boobs were obviously fake. And she wasn't happy, not with the size of her stomach, nor with having to pay a cover at some crappy Jersey shore nightclub.

The pics at the MTV link above were after Jenee had sat in a make-up artist's chair for an hour. An artist. A PAINTER made her look a lot like TAT, and the resulting pics were supposed to go to Playboy. They didn't. Jenee balked on her dream of showing her TwAT to millions of men. She'll have to settle for showing it to guys who say they are firemen, one at a time.

Your body and your psyche are in direct relationship to each other. Bodybuilders can't get big enough, in their minds. Anorexia causes people to see themselves as fat, still, FAT! But if you work on each of them, your self-esteem and your physical self, you'll find they meet in the middle, and just maybe you'll love yourself to not care what people think of the color your butthole. And isn't that the dream all parents have for their children?



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