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If ya wanna go see "Be Cool," gimme a "SHITCHYAY!"
"Get Shorty" is one of my top-5 movies. Travolta's "Chili Palmer" is as cool a cat as there's ever been on the silver screen. When he gets a pair of scissors held to his neck during a shakedown by Ray Bones, he flinches ever so slightly, but more because he didn't want his new jacket diced. I recommend watching "Get Shorty," then joining me on March 4th to see "Be Cool." Come on, Vince Vaughn acting like a thugged-out wignutz? Whaddyoo need?
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this is a bit I've worked on and it doesn't seem to be taking hold. here it is in prose form.
Global Warming
The weather in Seattle has rocketed past "gorgeous" and is nearing the gravitational pull of "a little scary." It's been all frozen windows and breath-fog for weeks now. But no clouds in the sky. No snow. No rain. We're looking at a winter drought, a potential Summer drought, and the loss of another ski season.
California is sliding into the Pacific, accumulating enough rain to make most celebrities worry their homes are sliding off the hill. Celebs, meanwhile, dodge phone calls from hacked-out people with digits from Paris Hilton's hacked cell phone. (sidenote, the ho-tard is like 22, okay? she thought it was cool to have Avril Lavigne's #, that's her only crime) California is melting like Chyna's new cheek implants. I mean, my sweet hanging Jesus, BLINK-182 MIGHT BE BREAKING UP!!!
It's got to be Global Warming. OR... as I've suspected for some time, this is Hell.
Perhaps this is what Hell is, eternal fretting over wardrobe and recreational choices. You spent $300 on a Gore-Flex jackamet, grabbed some new Rossignols with boots and bindings, hit the front door and... nowhere to go.
Whatever will we do? OH DEAR GAWD, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH ALL THIS NICE WEATHER AND FEWER JOBS FOR GUYS TO GRAB ASS ON A SKI SLOPE?
Might I suggest... Evolving? Get outside, take a walk. Move a little. Huh? Hey? Yes? No... okay.
I think it only feels warmer because, in general, people are fatter. Pundits ponder the impact of human existence on the environment while clearing their third buffet plate in Vegas. "Could you turn down the heat? It's creating chloroflourocarbons and ice caps are OH SHIT, BILL, MORE MINI-QUICHE, GO GO GO."
One day we'll find out the cause of global warming: Recycling. Decomposing landfills full of organic material. Oh sure, there's a syringe & diaper-load of it, but it's mostly natural. Put a piece of meat in a plastic bag in the sun for 3 weeks, see what happens. You'll think you're watching Keith Richards in "Bubble Boy 2: Liver And Let Die," and it will stink, but it stopped that cow from flatulating. Now, go bundle up all of those water bottles you've emptied, toss them in your Subescapearuvo, and freeze them. Then break them into millions of tiny pieces. Then melt those pieces down into a blob of Dasanifinian glory, and start molding them into bottles. The amount of energy expended to transport, recycle, and refurbish them there bottles just destroyed the ozone over Washington state.
So quit being a baby sugarplum and throw on your Whore-tex.
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I Don't Tell White Jokes, I Tell Fight Jokes
Pop music and rap music SUCK. They have become formulaic yet more profitable than ever, and therefore will eventually eat themselves. When a boy band is shot with AIDS bullets and a rapper comes out as gay, we'll finally be able to get on with our lives.
Here's how you know rap sucks. First off, these guys want to come off like we have no idea what's going on in tha strizzeets. We ain't know how it goes down on the koneh. Well who the hell is going to tell us? Li'l Jon? The man with catch-phrases like "WHAT?" "YEAH!" and "O-KAAAY!" Is he rapping or getting a ride from his mom? Tell me what's going on then, kind sir, because all I can tell is that, in songs, your stories of growin' up in the projects are best portrayed via the interpretive dances of a large brown ass, or "booty," or "ba-donka-donk," or "bumpercars." I actually looked forward to volunteering with some inner-city youth, what with the rap videos showing how much champagne, jewelry, and fine-ass weed be available.
Second, the TV show "MTV Diary" plays up these diapers with feet like they are new-age philosophers. Listen to an entire rap album, then watch that rapper's edition of "MTV Diary," the tag-line for which is "You think you know, but you have no idea." Right-on, Nas, N.O.R.E. and Fat Joe (named-so because he's, well, ugly). I had no idea. Your music said you came up hard and still lived a fast life of big cars, deep pockets, and rooms knee-deep stacked with ready and waiting poonyatta. I just watched your fat asses sleep off a hangover, tell a fan to f*ck off, and punch a chick in the stomach. You have the money, you should have paid for the morning-after pill, you ass. Your life is retarded, and your biggest problem is that you think you are who the dumbasses at MTV think you are. Yeah, fatty, LeanBack, your knees are taking a pounding.
Even Moby, who once tried to have sex with Earth Day, dropped heat on America's most embarrasing Newlyweds.
You've seen what it's like to live with celebs on all these TV shows. Yeah, there's a camera there and it's not "reality" but would YOU want to wake up to Verne Troyer writing his name in kidney-gin on your wainscoting?
SHITCHYAY you would. OKAAAAAY!
Oh, and Paris Hilton called, she's mass sorry that everyone called your number that she kept in her phone under your name so she could show everyone like you'd signed her yearbook and used the words "Party" and "Love Ya!" The girl's 22. In RichFamily years, that's like 16. In Hollywood years that's around 18. So we'll give her a pass into her Senior Year.
When I say "HO" you say "TARD!"
HO ...
HO ...
SHIIITCHYEEEAAAAAAAAASSS!
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