Best of 2005

The List! You've heard of it. It's everywhere. Everyone seems tohave a list. Top 10 Eyeshadows That Are Not Blue. Best 178 Moments In Zydeco. 3 Celebs To Watch Go In The Tank in 2005 (Ashlee, Hedberg, Kilborn). It's all opinion and bluster, unimportant rankings made by someone who just wants to get some recognition for loving, hating, or shrugging-off someone, something, or Sum 41. These are popular now, and will be for about another 3 months, until even the new open mic'ers start doing jokes about them. Then, ploop, a headliner will swing through town and take the best of the list jokes on the road with him, opening for irrelevant musical acts while getting re-booked for Leno. Yeah, THAT guy.

So far this year I've had a good time. Things have been on the high-side of decent. It doesn't seem like I've done much comedy, but I don't remember having any bad sets... yet. Work stinks, but that's what it's supposed to do. I will soon make the necessary moves to get my own business going. Those moves include my nervous hands plunking down a little start-up capital and loosening my pants to a comfortable size to accomodate the huge balls I think I'll need to swan-dive off the Corporate Crossover bridge and into Independence River. It will be a Top-3 moment in my life to do this, punctuated by personal letters delivered to each person who has bothered me beyond reason while I have been at this company. I know, what goes around comes around, but my Credit Kardma has a zero balance. What if nobody ever told you what you do to bother everyone? Well then, you'd be the prettiest, most popular girl in your high school, and therefore your life will be very easy and perfect.

I'm really enjoying the planning stages I'm in right now. I feel like I have been on a really aggressive timetable since December. I turn 31 in 3 weeks, so I'll be officially "in my 30s," and that's doing things with my head. I have to buy a house. I have to pay off my car. I have to get married. I have to start a family. I have to make my first million dollars. I have to. I have. I. . . Correction.
I, nor you, nor the prettiest girl at your alternative high school, will HAVE TO do any of that. It's not a recipe for being happy. Find what makes you happy, and do what you can to include some of it in between crying and waiting for the gin to kick in. And ask yourself what you really do want out of life. So few people seem to know.
"A good job." Define "good."
"A husband/wife." If you're unmarried and looking for a spouse, you'll probably find one. And THEIR spouse will be PISSED, so keep your eyes open for the "right person," preferably one with good credit, if you happen to be a black comedian.
"A black comedian." Congrats on the credit score.
"More money." Yeah, but HOW will you get it. If you want more money, you may very well get a check cut for you from your recently-deceased favorite uncle's insurance company. Enjoy it, and don't ask questions about the explosion at the carnival.
"A new car." Okay, so a NEW new car, or just some new wheels? I highly advise NOBODY buy a NEW new car. A necessity for 99% of us, it's also a constant expenditure, counting costs for gas, insurance, oil change every 7300 miles (whether you need it or not), delousing, kick-ass stereo that keeps getting jacked, and hypnotism to rid you of the need for a stereo that jack-worthy. You're looking at dropping like HUNDREDS of dollars in most cases. Keep what you have in good shape. Before it's absolutely time or a new one, shine yours up and trade it in to start with. Just like your first marriage.
"A 6-inch Black Angus Steak Sandwich from Quiznos, no onions, extra mushrooms, double the horseradish." Well said. That's a clearly defined desire. So shall it be given.
"To know what Love is." I want you to show me. And I want to feel... I want to feel what Love is. I want you to show me.
"Candy." Nope, sorry. Not until you've finished your induction.
"Please?" You asked me to keep you honest, and I want to see you succeed. Now let go of that, that is not yours and it's starting to turn purple.
"To write a good joke about lists." Good luck with that. Some things just aren't funny, like being a lazy stoner comic or a hyper stoner comic or a stoner comic or somebody who isn't clever enough to hide a list in their blog.

So whatever you want to see happen in your life this year, tell yourself it WILL happen. If you WANT it to happen, the only thing that will happen is WANT. And be prepared for whatever it is. In that case, I better go say goodbye to Uncle Larry and hope to Kilborn he hasn't willed me something crappy, like a clown statue or a good job.

I am OUT. See you in Olympia, gorgeous.
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My Non-Funny Blog.