What You Are Laughing At

"Yo, Scott Weiland!"
Today we introduce a new weekly feature, where Scott Weiland, heroin addict and former Stone Temple Pilots frontman, answers your questions on life, love, cooking, fashion, and addiction. Please send all questions to Yo, Scott Weiland!

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Yo, Scott Weiland,

I work next to a very short man who constantly makes noise. Topping the charts at 5'4", he is always whistling, sniffling, talking on his speakerphone, or tapping his fingers on his desk. It's like his lack of stature is being compensated for in the form of noise, taking up as much space as he can by being loud instead of neighborly productive. I've told him a couple times that his noise is too much for the office, and it's driving me up a f---ing wall! What can I do?

~ Short People Got No Reason

How the f*ck do I answer this sh*t?
Look, I've been in plenty of crowds where I've been making noise, but mostly because I was flying on Dust or some sh*t. Look, the guy is short, so he's got this notion that he's not good enough to do his job. He's overcompensating for his shortness by doing drugs, which causes him to be so twitchy. Have you ever seen someone on blow? Yeah, well it's basically watching someone do aerobics with no music. If he's really skinny, then yeah, that dude's f*cked up on something. If he's not, then he's just doing it for attention. I'd tell your boss that you saw him doing blow in the ladies' sh*tter, and get him fired or whatever. And you should try H, you need to cool your burners.
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Yo, Scott Weiland,

So far this year I've had sex with 19 guys, none of them repeats. I still don't feel like I'm fulfilled. I'm empty inside emotionally. I want something to fill me up. I don't have any money, because I'm only 17, so I usually let the guys inside me without a condom so I can have a baby and be happy to be loved totally by someone. So far I haven't had a baby, just a couple of missed periods and really bad stomachaches. How can I have a baby?

~ Mass Needing Love

I think I got this.
Dear Mass Needing Love,
You're doing the right thing to make a baby by not using condoms, that's key. Now, it's important that you're going to the doctor on a regular basis, also. You've taken a lot of loads, and averaging 2 loads per partner, you're probably at risk for some kind of itching or WHY ARE THERE BUGS ON ME WHY ARE THERE BUGS IN MY EYES WHERE IS THE MUSIC COMING FROM STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP I AM I AM I AM I SAID I WANNA GET NEXT TO YOU
Keep on f*cking sister, you may need the right load to really set your body in motion. Try some BlackTar. What city are you from? I'm on tour right now and always looking for a place to put my cock, if you know what I mean.
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Yo, Scott Weiland,
Don't you think that you'll get sued for having this column in an unofficial, totally humorous, not at all really referring to yourself kind of format?

(Mr. Weiland was unable to finish answering questions this week due to a violation of his probation, namely telling a 17 year-old girl to get pregnant by increasing her intake of loads. He then ate half his shirt and slid through the bars of his holding cell. He will return next week)
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