What You Are Laughing At

Nick DiPaolo, Alley Doorway, Levitation: Discuss...

June 4th, 2004. Giggles Comedy Club, Seattle, WA. Second Show, approximately 2315 hours. Headliner, Nick DiPaolo, recently of Comedy Central's "Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn," and a pants-pee funny comedian, not to mention good Italian boy from Queens.

Sitting front & center, at least for that stage, is a really drunk guy... Second Show Friday, whaaaa?... and his lippy date, who is probably really nice, but on that evening was not so, although I would NEVER call anybody a retarded whore. (great, now every Googler pricing mentally challenged escorts is going to be hitting this page) So drinky show guy says to Nick, "Say something funny." That's not a good heckler line, folks, that's really as dumba as it gets. If you want to heckle, say something weird. That will loosen it up.

Nick starts going back and forth with the guy, and the not retarded not a whore date says "He's trying to make YOU laugh." Well the shine's off the turd at this point and the guy says he paid for the show and he's not laughing (the crowd was really tight that night anyway, but they were in it for Nick's funnies). Standard banter follows, then it's time to move on and keep the show going, but the guy says something else to Nick and gives him the finger, so Nick leans down and says something along the lines of "That's all you can do is give me a little finger and think..." then the schidt came down.

That's about when I heard a few glasses fly, saw a few nachos fly, and then saw a headliner fly. The guy threw a drink in Nick's face (that dick! Microphones are pricey!), and Nick wasn't having it. I set my drink down and hoofed it down front, where Nick had already pulled the dumbass's shirt over his head a la "Slapshot." Everything was cooling off until a ninja dropped in. I knew it wasn't a real ninja, though, because a real ninja wouldn't have been seen by anybody. There would have been only a puff of smoke and perhaps a fortune cookie left behind. The fortune would read "Look not at what you see. See more than you look at. Eat at Wong's. Say 'Hi' for me, I am ninja Doo Me Po." So yeah, it wasn't a real ninja and I saw him go for Nick so I'm like "HEELL NAW" and KEE-AYE, I uncoil a front snap-kick to his undercarriage. He disappeared in a cloud of smoke... it may have been a real ninja afterall, or just a Marlboro Red-loving burqa fanatic. Either way, sorry about punishing your junk.

So the fight breaks up, ninja's gone, and the drinky dude's out the club. The side door of the showroom is open because it's hotter than a birthday gift from Winona Ryder, and that door opens to an alley of sorts that runs the side of the club. So drinky dude's heading down the alley and figures "Why not?" He ducks back into the showroom, grabs a glass off a table and tosses at the stage in Nick's direction. Something like 8 guys, a woman, and that poor excuse of a ninja dive outside to grab the guy, which they succeed at doing. It was entirely outside of the club. Then I hear a pretty loud, slapping/thudding sound, kind of like when a bad career, a heroin-laced comedian, or a watermelon hits the face of a drunken show-goer.

Later on the authorities showed up to take care of things. I'll tell you what, when Optimus Prime speaks, you listen. He's pretty cool. I thought Cobra Commander was kind of snooty, but hey, he used to run a majorly evil, underground evil network of evil. He's got some control issues.

The Moral Of The Story Is:
You don't sit in the front and bring a not-lippy whore to a show, then yack at a New York stud of comedy and expect to not have schidt on your shoes afterward. In other words, he got what he deserved, a bear-hug from Terry Taylor.
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Oh really?

The rock band Creed announced the other day that they were breaking up after 3 albums.

Choose from below:
1) It's about time.
2) The president of the band's fan club replied to the news with, "Oh schidt, now I'm gonna be 33, living at home with NOTHING to do on Friday nights."
3) The president of the band's fan club, and the rest of the world, shrugged.
4) A ninja would never have done that.
5) Who?


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