What You Are Laughing At

Read This Every Day Of Your Life

I want to be this family's dog. You will love them almost immediately. The Dooce!


What I Do

I cook for myself. I rarely use anything from a can. Sometimes I use a crockpot. I almost always use a saute pan, sharp knives, meats, and vegetables. I like cooking for myself. It's a zen thing. I like to cook for the woman society must label as my girlfriend in order to understand that we're together, but she's far away from me, most nights. That sucks knobs.

I prefer good vodka on the rocks with a twist to any other drink in the evening. Merlot's a close second. I don't sit and pound beers. I don't have to do shots of schiddy whiskey to be manly. I like what I like.

The manliest thing a man can do is not care about what people think of his preferences. Actually that's third place. In a tie for First place, in my mind, is be a person of integrity and teaching to those he loves, be they wives, children, friends, or Hooters wait-staff.

I don't shave my chest. I am 30. I am a Man. I'm an animal, a mammal. Grr.

A married friend of mine spent a weekend with his wife, about 9 hours total, shopping for knobs. I think I found two knobs already.

I work out. Not as much as I used to. I used to push iron 4 times a week. I got up to about 255lbs, where I felt like I could lift a house, but I looked like an outhouse. I hated it. I'm doing more cardio and only lifting once a week. I've been a bit chubby most of my life. I'm okay with it now, body issues aside, but I'm working on my "bikini season" look. I'm down about 20lbs since the beginning of the year, and have about 15 to go. Part of me would like to look like one of those Men's Health models. That part is my abs. Another part of me would like to look like another kind of model. You can put that together in your own heads and e-mail me as to which part and what kind of model.

I have a weekly rap session with a licensed counselor. Some folks say you have to be crazy to go. If you think you're crazy, you're not. I don’t hear voices that make me want to kill people, unless you count the chump at work who whistles and people who ask if I hear voices that make me want to kill people. If you are crazy, you would think only that everyone else is. Self-discovery is a vital journey to figuring out the patterns of your behavior, like if you are scared of being hugged, or why you get nervous about having sex on a park bench. I talk to a counselor about the things I can't tell my family and friends, usually about things caused by my family and friends.

I really do have a Psycho Ex. Manic Depression is great on the upswing. Once you hit the crest, holy Zoloft, Batman, hide the knives and cuticle scissors. Nobody does that much acid before they're 18 and then wakes up asking if Bob Dylan had dinner with us last night, then sobs when they find out he was never in the movie "The Truth About Cats & Dogs" when they're "fine." Get the H away from those people faster than you can say "Anne Heche." For real fun, ask them how they get along with their opposite-sex parent! Before doing so, gird thy loins.

As much as I care about my family and friends, I don’t care about anybody more than I care about myself. Think I am Selfish? Then you're a neurotic parent-issue freak. As long as I'm taking care of my feeding, my sleep, my money, my peace of mind, then everyone else in my world will see a happy Geofferson. If you want to see me turn into a badger, take my sleep and food from me for a few days. If you want to see me snap on a kid whining in the store, then let's go to the store! That's for sport. I'm unapologetic about being self-concerned. Sorry! Or not...

If I hear another person use the word "soulmate," I will punch Alanis Morrissette in the dick. The only people perfect for each other are twins. If you want it to work with someone, you have to make some kind of effort to let them share, too.
M, The woman in my life that society labels as "girlfriend" but means more to me than that, is really kick-ass. I've mentione her here before, but nothing too much because her personal life shouldn't be internetted. She's sweeter than she admits. I'd really rather not get into it because if I SCHIDT here she comes, play cool...

I'd be an awesome dad, no matter how much I hate to admit it. I'll probably adopt a 17 year old with a trust-fund and 3.8 GPA. Blue-eye Father is So proud of you Xiang Ziu!

Sometimes I walk through Target, make eye contact with a person, and nod to their zipper. They always look down. Surrealism: 2,943 - Them: 2 (okay, not always)

Hallmark, while handy in a pinch, is run by a secret wing of Mary Kay with proceeds going to fund PAX TV and Makeover shows.

I should have been working on a report the whole time I've been writing this, and I still feel like my priorities are straight. Anybody know how to extract time intervals in Excel from other data? I fear a pivot table is coming my way.

I can never thank the people in my life enough for their blessings, prayers, and shared hours of life. My gawd, how boring it would all be without each of you!

Rock on. Please.
Geofferson

Take Me Home