Weight A Minute

I worked out this morning, like most mornings over the past 3 months, with one particular goal...

Kick My Own Ass. I want my heart to be thumping out of my chest. I want my muscles to be on fire with lactic acid building up, and feel like I could take down a full-grown puma or maybe a bouncer.

No, it doesn't translate to my daily life. I rarely have to knock out 4 types of push-ups and jump over a chair 10 times to get my point across. I have yet to be challenged to a Joke-Off with a tie-breaker of Hindu Squats under 2 minutes. But ya know what?

I like working out. So I do it.



I have been over 200 pounds since I was 14 years old. If you doubt me, ask any of the girls at my Jr. High and High School who wouldn't date me. My weight has fluctuated in the past 10 years from 220 to 260, the former being during a period of long morning walks and lack of proper hydration, the latter during a regimen of HMB + lifting HEEEAVY weights + eating 300 grams of protein a day, and drinking 1000 calories a night. I have never been what most people would call "svelte." The majority of the criticism of my body as an adult has been in my own head.

Until recently.


I have read hundreds of articles about nutrition, training, recovery, fat loss, fat torching, fat burning, fat teasing, methods, modes, and maniacal fitness. If you want to know something about losing weight quickly, you can ask me. If you want to pack on muscle, ask me. If you want to get shredded, ask me. Ultimately, I am convinced it comes down to 4 elements:

1. Nutrition: The fewer processed foods you eat, the better off you are. The fewer ingredients, the lower the added sugar and flour and fat, the healthier the food. Protein & Produce. I'm not the perfect eater, I have days where I do bad, bad things to brownies in the name of Ice Cream. I put moves on Chocolate in front of my wife before. But I try to eat rightly 90% of the time.


2. Exercise: Short,intense workouts are better for building a nice physique than long, thigh-rubbing cardio. If you've seen Olympic sprinters vs. the winner a marathon, you know what I mean. Look up HIIT, or check out my link to the Right for Turbulence Training. but you gotta MOVE. You gotta. Walk, sprint, bike, power-billiards, yoga, jiu-jitsu, cop wrestling, just SWEAT a bit.


3. Attitude: If you don't want to exercise, you won't. WANT TO. I had to change my attitude recently about working out, from "Have To" into "Like To." I don't have to work out. I like to work out. I like how it feels to be strong, and carry my son around without getting winded, or being able to take one day a week and power-eat and not get down about it.
   
4. Genetics: When I see stories about a guy who gained 80lbs in college, then lost 75 by cutting out that third cheeseburger each day, I want to staple his left-over belly skin to his thighs. His genetics aren't like mine.

Of course I'd like to sport a leaner physique, but I'm not gonna pummel myself over it anymore. It's not worth it, emotionally, to get caught up in my own thoughts about what I think other people *might* think when they look at me. I don't care. ))shrug((

I'm in fantastic shape for a comedian, good shape for a dad, and decent shape for a guy who is ready to enjoy life. And brownies.
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Oatmeal Recipes I Created

For me, there is nothing better for breakfast than a hot bowl of oatmeal and an Irish Coffee. But I usually skip the Irish Coffee and just do what I can with the oat's bowl. And after years of eating it almost daily I had to really get beyond the packets and buckets of boredom. Oatmeal is so versatile as a food, it's great to play a bit with it and see where it takes you and which of your crevices you find it in. It's got fiber, protein, healthy fats, and helps burn your cholesterol count down. So enjoy it if you are doin' carbs, because it'll keep you full and happy for a few hours before your boss even knows you smell of wine.

Here are some recipes I have come up with over the years to keep me interested in this breakfast of champ'ons.

* I usually use quick-cooking oats, though you can use oat bran, oat groats, rolled oats, or any of the grain cereals. If you do, write a blog about it and let me know.

Anti-Ox Powerhouse (a.k.a. The Cookie In A Bowl)

• 1/2 cup Oatmeal
• 3/4 cup green tea
• 2 Tbsp Almond, Soy, Rice Milk
• Pinch of salt (optional)
• Cinnamon to taste
  
• 1/4 cup dried blueberries or cranberries
• 2 Tbsp dark chocolate chips (60%)
• 2 Tsp flax seeds (optional) OR
• 1 Tbsp almond butter or peanut butter

Mix the first 2 ingredients and microwave about 1min-20sec. Don't let it go too long.
Throw in the berries, stir.
Top with the ChocoChips and Seeds or Nut's Butter.

Protein Pumper

• 1/2 cup Oatmeal
• 1 cup filtered water, or Soy/Almond/Rice milk, or cow's milk
  
• 1 beaten egg or 1/4 cup egg substitute
  
• Pinch of salt (optional)
• Cinnamon to taste
  
• 1-2 scoops of protein powder (Whey, Soy, Antelope, etc.)

Mix together all ingredients until liquid is floating a bit above the oatmeal. Add more liquid if you need to get there.
Microwave for 45 seconds, stir. Microwave for 1 minute.

Apple Pie Oatmeal

• 1/2 cup Oatmeal
• 3/4 cup Almond, Soy, Rice Milk
• 2 Tbsp cream or milk
  
• Pinch of salt (optional)
• Cinnamon to taste
• 1 Tbsp butter/margarine
• 1/2 apple of your liking, diced
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• 1Tbsp Brown sugar

Mix the first 5 ingredients together. Stir. Heat in microwave for 1min 3osec.
Heat a small fry or saute pan on medium heat. Add butter to pan. Let it melt completely and bubble a little. Add the apple, cinnamon, and brown sugar. Stir for 3minutes until apples are coated and the brown sugar has distributed its sweet load all over the fruit pieces.
Add apple incredibleness to the oatmeal. Email me your smiling face.

Butterscotch Oatmeal

• 1 cup oatmeal
• 1 package Butterscotch Oatmeal
• 2 cups milk

Combine, stir, microwave for 2 minutes. Let chill. It's weirdly delicious.

***Not responsible for any damage to colon, toilet, reputation, underpants, or kitchen.***

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My Blog About My Dad