Rx: What Not To Do. Apply To Life As Necessary

You can't stop it, you can only hope to contain it, and you can't contain it, neither!!!

Tonight was the first night of the SemiFinals of the Giggles Laugh-Off. Aptly named because I surely will need to laugh the Thursday show off, or somebody will get Punk'd. By "punk'd," I of course mean a serious and public tongue lashing. Don't cross a professional orator after a bad performance, especially one who's bench press is back up to 300lbs. I'm not feeling velvety 'bout now.

It is normally bad form to blame the crowd, but they were groaning at, nay... BOOING certain jokes about a certain President. These jokes are like Olive Garden breadsticks: Even a bad one's not that bad, but you don't want to fill up on them, either.
To boo a joke about a politician is to publicly express that you are lacking a sense of humor. "What? Making fun of the President of the United States? Blasphemy! Treason! Why is nobody stopping this person from saying these terribly hurtful..." So yeah, the President had a joke made about him, a very lame joke that is truly pandering and lowest of the low in "Political Satire." It's not satire, by the way, it's schlock, but that's for another website. So yeah, the crowd wasn't as ready to laugh tonight as they were last week, and it was pretty packed in there. If you boo to say "I've heard it before," great. If you're just verbally turning up your nose, put a sock in it. Cut the "boo," Casper.

So I get on stage after a dude leans into the goofy/dirty boundary, and I'm neither of those. I have a hard time being cute anymore. Regardless, I get moving along in my set, and from the get-go it was a little sluggish. I finally get the crowd on my side, 3 minutes in, and guess what happens? Heckler? Nope. Drinks spill? Too easy! The Rapture?!?! Goose egg. Here's what happened:

5 guys in the back of the club, about 50 feet from the stage, standing above everyone who is seated, and the dudes talk, talk, and keep talking. It's hard enough to perform when the only voices I hear are mine and the 3 in my head. (editor's note: They're harmless, just Sir Isaac Newton and 2 poncey Age Of Enlightenment swags.) But this show is LIVE, there's no "do not call list" to sign them up on. Why isn't there a Spam filter on a-holes in crowds? These people are human "pop-ups," and they can't be clicked away.

So why am I edged on this? Three reasons: First of all I had to waste time in my set to berate the idiots. Couldn't get up to speed, so I couldn't tell if a joke worked, just had to wing it and be in the moment. Not bad, but not what I intended to do tonight. Second, the group should have been told by the staff to quiet down or leave. Didn't happen, so I had to do it and waste my time. Third, the only person who could have made the evening better is in Arizona until tomorrow, and until I have some face time with that beautiful human I'm gonna focus on sleepy pups, because they're soft and they don't talk during my set. YOU try being mad looking at THIS. If you don't get a little sugar inside on that, I ask you this: Is it fun collecting Student Loans?

Let's bring it all back to what really matters: What did I learn from this, and what can I pass on? I learned, early on in the week, that it's vital for me to go out and have fun and worry not a bit about "competing." So I had a great attitude going in. But I didn't have any fun tonight. 3 hours of driving for 8 minutes of blathering and 2 minutes of berating trucker hat/pooka shell necklace clad frat remnants. I feel a Limp Bizkit song coming to life.

In conclusion, it's after 3am, so this is not at all funny, nor as aggressive as I felt after my set. But I learned this: Even when it's going poorly and you have to make your own fun, stand strong into the wind. That way you can find where your enemies are, and be upwind if you get scared and mess yourself.

God bless. I will, I will, rock you.
~Geoff

Back At It, etc.

A lot has happened since my last blog. I took a trip to Las Vegas, the company I work for was purchased, I finished "The Da Vinci Code," and my new bedroom furniture arrived! That’s quite a bit of news for 4 days. I won’t go over all of those things in detail (see previous blog), so here’s a synopsis of things:

AT&T Wireless is being purchased by Cingular for $41,000,000,000.00. That’s $15 per share of stock, buying every last one. The stock was around $5 a year ago. The CEO of ATTWS, John Zeglis, will be out once Cingular takes over. He will receive about $9,000,000 in severance pay. (ed. note: The New American Dream: Better retirement through underachieving?)

Read “The Da Vinci Code” if you have any interest in politico-religious fireworks, art history, the Knights Templar, the Louvre, Leonardo Da Vinci’s subtle story-telling works, or romantic tension. It’s like “Indiana Jones” meets “The Thomas Crown Affair.” Buy this book, not the audio version.

I got new bedroom furniture. Real stuff, none of that particle-board and four-nail construction bull. I deserved it, I wanted it, I bought it. Over the years I’ve plunked a good $700 + for the Scandi-naïve-ian furniture that is touted by a plucky ice-fisherman on vacation from herring round-up. Of all that I purchased, I believe I still hold about $150 of all I spent, $50 of which will soon be donated, if they’d even take the pile.

Oh, and apparently Hollywood is still letting Meg Ryan and Adam Sandler make movies. I won’t listen to a single political slant from the Hollywood contingent until I get a public apology for Carson Daly, “Howard the Duck,” and the lack of a Monk marathon on USA.

Las Vegas was fun, but it’s the middle of February so it wasn’t exactly worthy of calling a lawyer before blogging the news. I’m not one who usually goes for opulence, but as I was passing the 400th stripper-card solicitor I remembered that this really is America. Las Vegas is a microcosm of everything America stands for. Some people hate America because of places like Las Vegas. I feel they hate America in spite of places like Las Vegas. Las Vegas is there to entertain you. If New York is the City That Never Sleeps, Las Vegas is The City That Doesn't Care. It's all there for your taking, if you reach out and grab a tassle or a buffet plate. You give a little, you get a lot. You pay $90 for a ticket to see “O,” and you get about a $200 show. If you can’t find something to do there, you’re too picky. You should stay home and re-organize your coupon box or clip frayed strings off your undergarments, which are probably white, cotton, and stop just above your navel.

Kanye West is gettin’ mad love from the streets right now. ‘ats all you need ta know!

I can’t figure it all out tonight, sir, I think I’m just gonna date your daughter.

~G

Spare Me The Details

Last night was the final show of the last week of the 7th Annual Wiggles Comedy Laugh-Off Preliminaries, Round 2: Comedian Boo-Ga-Loo. I'm on to the SemiFinals, which means I'm one of the 10 most-likeable comedians in the competition. The key to this, for me, is to go have fun and forget about whatever anyone else does. I cannot control another comic's performance, not with any tact and morality, anyway, so I have to be having SOME fun if I'm going to do this. Otherwise I'm just shilling for the club, and not until I get some more $$$ out of this will I do that. $ = $3,000 USD. Winner gets a couple Bennies and their name on the menu as the Nacho platter. My secret ingredient? Pure Hatred for Low-Brow Talk Radio!

So where does the title of this blog come in? From the gutters-full of pap that I've dealt with the past 3 nights from a number of other performers. There's one in particular who, the better they performed, the more annoyingly boisterous they became. I understand that confidence carries a long way, but this was utter cockiness. If I am interrupted by that person again, ever, so they can try out a line or work a bit they will step away from me with a singed ear and a dumbfounded look 'ponst their horrendous mug. If you butt-in with nothing to say you best be prepared to answer a few questions of mine, including "Quick, tell me why you think you can interrupt me!" No, I don't have to be nice.

Anybody who annoys you should be told so, because they are forcing their way into moments of your life that could be filled with something memorable, funny, touching, or at the very least, not a total waste of time. Instead you get to hear a made-up story or recitation of a joke from a long-dead, unfunny comedian that does nothing other than make you reach for a billy-club that you never had, but could really use. Have something to say, or say nothing at all.

I'm not mentioning names here for one reason only: I paid for this website, and there's no way I'm going to allow their names get through the gaps on my dime. Except for these Comedy Gangstas, what-what?
Blaze Rider, The Safe Cracker, Doogles, and Shoogs B. I love this band of 4, as comics, as people, as smut poets, and friends. Ya step to them, ya step to me. Coo'? Ah'ight den.

I'm off to Vegas tomorrow morning. Send liver.

You're Worth Everything You Think You Are, If Not More. Yes, muffin head... Yes you are.

Geoff Lott... who rules.