The Geoff Lott Rules Live Tour Of Comedy & Talking

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Friday, February 04, 2005

Birthday Blog

As of 21 minutes ago, I'm officially 31 years old.
I'm happy to have made it, and look forward to the next 31 minutes which will entail one of my last-ever cigarettes (not smoking around smokers = rebellion), a big glass of water, and falling asleep. One thing I've learned as I've matured, and I share this mainly to help out the men. Pay attention fellas:
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If you're sleeping on Bed-In-A-Bag, give it to a comic, now, and hit a sale for something 300-sateen or higher. Spring for it. You and your itchy back skin will appreciate it, and eventually so will that girl who's getting naked in your bed with your roommate. If you have Bed-In-A-Bag, you probably still got a skeezie roommate, too.

31. It's a 4 year for me, and a 7 in the 9 year cycle, I think. Oh crap, it's frigging ON!

When I wonder about how far along I am in my life, I remember that I've had some lessons to learn on my own and those took me a couple extra months here and there. I didn't follow the directions, even though I had a map.
I don't see myself as a loser, nor even being on the same bus route with losers. And, as perspective, Mike Aivaz is thinking of looking for a job.
Mike Aivaz is a 42 year-old, marijuana smoking, porn-broadcasting dingleberry pie with feet. He's been running clips of pornographic films on his late-night cable-access show "Mike Hunt TV," channel 77. Wednesday nights... 1am. It goes like 2 hours and he... yeah, I have heard of it. SCAN-TV, the cable access station, is debating the ethical/prurient interest of broadcasting the disgusting, ferociously stomach-turning footage of Aivaz.
He's 42. Unemployed. Long hair. Long BEARD hair. Unkempt. Unemployed. And he's got a sweet-ass lithp.... littththth... LISP. So while he's got his bong in hand, dozens of hundreds of men have their hands half-full as Aivaz's horrific Homeless 'Squatch face takes a rip from his bong. YAY, porn and pot on TV. Two more things YOU CAN'T HAVE.

Put a stop to Mike Aivaz. He's ugly. And he's got no job.
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Moser, Brousseau, and I had to get a group photo for some shows we're doing. Whatcha think?

I'm in the middle, affecting "Concern."












HA HA HAAAAA, MONKIES!
not reprinted with permission, sorry about that.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

So THAT's What A Lack Of Oxygen Will Do...

Literally, Drunk Off His Ass:

LAKE JACKSON, Texas - A woman has been indicted on negligent homicide charges for allegedly giving her husband a sherry enema that killed him.



Michael Warner, 58, died last May after the enema caused his blood-alcohol level to rise to .47 percent.

"That's extremely high," Detective Lt. Robert Turner said. "You're either going to be in the hospital or the funeral home with that much alcohol."

(yeah, or at a KICK ASS mitzvah. Dude, who's next for the butt bong?)

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True story from my workplace:
  • Manager1 asks me to get data on a survey I handed off over a year ago to a teammate. CC'ed on the email were Manager2 and Ex-Manager.
  • Ex-Manager replies by telling Mgr's 1 & 2 that I no longer handle the survey.
  • I reply by telling Mgr's 1 & 2 and Ex-Mgr that I no longer handle the survey, but also call the Poor Bastard who does to notify him of an impending 'tard storm. PB says "oh, thanks for calling..." then it gets more and more uncomfortable as I try to get off the phone while hearing him breathe, his mind fixated on his monitor, his hand not yet putting down the phone. I told him "I'll be supporting, but you're the man with the knowledge. I figured I'd let you know ahead of time what's going on here." He replies with "(exhale)....... (exhale)...... Okay, thanks." He wasn't really even there, not even when I blew a butt trumpet solo into the phone. Pay attention, I'm seriously NOT "whistling Dixie" over here.
  • For those of you drinking at work: At that moment, all parties have been notified that I'm not the person to be taking lead on the project. I have the next-to-least information on the survey, next to the guy who likes taking surveys and just under the guy who demands that I call him "Bobbly Nannering," who doesn't even work the f*ck for this company.
  • An hour later, Mgr 2 gets his henchman to call me about the survey, regardless of the fact I have no input, information, interest, or influence regarding said survey. Henchman could have been calling to tell me why he prefers women's panties to men's boxers, for all I care, but I'm glad he didn't do that because I have a vivid imagination.
  • Mgr 1 disappears. Must have been a sale at Linens & Shit.
  • Ex-Mgr calls to tell me "good luck. You've got a 'tard storm on its way." She's speakin' my language.
  • PoorBastard, Henchman, and MuffinTop (me... what?), are "invited" to a conference call tomorrow morning at 9am. Tomorrow's my 31st birthday. I was going to work from home, which would entail logging on and then doing as many pushups, situps, and lunges as I can until the guy from JetCityPizza shows up with my pie and ice cream, because I ain't taking no call on my birthday, CrapNozzle, I just ain't.
  • Then I wrote this.

My new boss has a degree in psychology, and is very intelligent. On the flip side, I wonder if he's running an experiment to see how many licks it takes to get to the center of my TootsiePop, which is not a gay reference, as much as it is filled with an expletive-laced poem unleashed during a forthcoming 9a-motherflapping-m conference call DICKEYES!

FAWK!

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Take Me Home

My Non-Funny Blog.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Hell Core Blistered Heart (My Damn Nation)

Hey look, apparently This Guy's comedy notebook was found in Nebraska, of all places. The foreground produced the background. This thing's been smoldering hot since it combusted late last year.



With my birthday coming up, I decided I'd go decadently into that good menu and pick something extravagant... that was queeeer... for dinner. I decided on...


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I asked my friend which of these he'd rather have, a million dollars or a kick in the face from KOMO-4 NewsAnchors Dan Lewis & Kathy Goertzen. He took the kicks, since he'd be able to sell pictures of the kicking on a website for people who get their kicks by getting face-kicked by newscasters. Sales could go on forever. Brilliant.
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Ever look back at a period of your life and ask "Honestly, Me... what the corn were you thinking? You know better than that. You know you wear one of those things to prevent that. You know you have to go to the doctor a lot after that since you didn't wear one of those things. You're really dumb. All those doctor trips weren't worth those few seconds, were they? Next time, you wear one of those things." Ever get that feeling about your career in rodeo? Yeah. Me, too.
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Ever look back at a period of your life and wish you could totally erase someone from your memory banks? Join the rodeo.
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Whatever just happened, it's probably your boss' fault.
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I'm lucky to say that I have 3 best friends, people I could hang out with anywhereS doing anything at anytime.
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I'll be 31 on Friday. I looked in the mirror today and said, "31 years. I can't believe most people had me at 24 in the Dead Pool. That explains the psychotic motorcyclist on Sept. 10th, 1998... I knew they were out to get me. Never send a motorcycle to do a bengal tiger's job." Then I painted my face and cleaned my .50cal wearing only a loincloth.
Man, it was totally like that movie "Groundhog's Day."
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Monday, January 31, 2005

Yeah, Well... Thank You, TOO!

You know what I can't stand, that I'm hearing a lot of lately? People answering their own questions.
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The toughest jury duty will be placed on the shoulders of the folks hearing the Michael Jackson trial that kicks off today. They will have to return a verdict of either "Guilty" or "Holy CRAP This Weirdo's Guilty!"
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Something for all comics and speakers to be conscious of when using a microphone:
Use of "uh," and "ya know." The more I perform and write the more I realize how strong communication is when it's clear and minimalized. Set-up, Punchline, Tag, NEXT. I just heard 4 guys who are professional broadcasters interview Terrell Owens of the Philiadelphia Eagles on Media Day prior to Sunday's Super Bowl. The interviewers threw in "uh" 38 times in 7 questions. Terrell Owens, who is a professional athlete, so... yeah... answered with at least 24 "ya know"s over a period of 3 minutes of speaking. Why don't those ever show up in the paper?
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Talking, Walking, Balking

This past weekend's showdown of comedic giants went to Drew Barth, your 8th Annual Giggles Laugh-Off Champion. I came in 3rd. Second place went to the same guy who got 2nd last year. I can't really complain. The truth is that if any of us were that consistently great, he wouldn't have gotten 2nd, nor been in the Finals at all. I went out and did the best I could with the material I love the most. Friday night's first set was a monster. My recording of it was great. My second set followed Mr. 2nd Place's "3rd Annual Ballot Tantrum," and my telling him and another comic to quit fighting, and quit comedy if they weren't going to enjoy doing it. After that I was holding back from telling the crowd about all the BS that just happened between the 2 guys they'd see after me. I chose against it. It roiled inside of me, but I went with my material instead of making fun of the guys who turned a comedy club into a high school locker room. I was hoping they would just start kicking each other in the prop bags. It was the least fun I've ever had in comedy.

If you can't laugh at yourself, especially as a comic, then others will laugh at you. Saturday night we were talking about how it's more difficult for us (comics) to accept compliments than derision. Perhaps we're masochistically inclined, and getting laughs is our way of proving wrong those who doubt us. I think it's quite funny when I hear the flap someone has said of me. I'm far from a perfect person, but sometimes it's just a matter of accepting that others will say what they like, as opposed to accepting what they're saying. It's often much easier to drop a put-down than it is to pay a compliment, for whatever reason. I wonder if the negativity of the masochism allows incoming derision to roll off, much like similar polarities. The negativity of machismo, on the other pinky-ringed hand, allows for positive things like laying down a good dis or cooking my tires at stop signs. Or perhaps it's that we don't care about who puts us down, since it's usually those we already have little to no respect for, negating the substance of their speech.

My previous blog had some comments to it that were solid, but one that I disagree with, in part, is that it is the "nature of comics" to "talk shit." I would say it's in the nature of insecure people, a group that certainly counts a number of comics in the roster. Considering it's easier for us to accept a put-down, maybe that's how we talk to each other?
I'm positive I have done it, sometimes in Blog format. I've probably hurt some feelings, too, and that's a crappy thing for me to do. If you can't say anything nice, blog it? It is my shortcoming, as opposed to my nature, to speak in such a manner. It's a decision I usually DON'T make that leads to my speaking poorly of others, as opposed to an involuntary action like the smoking and drinking. The thoughts may be there, but the conscious decision to verbalize a negative thought is one that I have the maturity, and wisdom, to decide against. I've certainly been teased and picked on enough in life to know better. Ribbing my buddies is one thing, we know we mean nothing by it and the intent is the laugh. Talking shit about strangers and non-enemies is old school, as in Jr. and High.

I'm actively trying harder to hold it back, because it's a situation of running up some Karmic debt, and I'd rather concern myself with my own act. I hope that it's an arrow that eventaully falls out of my quiver. It's not as if being critical of acts that don't hack mine or bump mine from important shows gets me anywhere or makes me look cool. I don't have to love or like everyone, and I accepted a long time ago that more than a few departments of people don't jibe with me. Instead of "picking my battles," I find it better to not engage on battlefields where there's nothing of value to be won. Not every call-out has a point. Some folks just like to hear themselves talk. Plus I'm 31, and I want to keep becoming the kind of person I would like to hang out with, as long as I quit borrowing money from myself.

Here's a shocker: The universe runs on action-reaction. Deny that, and you may as well deny that you are currently breathing or doubting your own existence. Ping. Pong. Right. Left. Setup. Silence. Save. Laughter. What I consistently do is who I am. Okay, I black out during every full moon and wake up in tattered clothes near an empty, bloody chicken coop, but I am conscious of it. Sometimes it's what I decide to NOT do, like deride a non-influential person, or win a comedy competition, or wear that shirt with those chaps, that teaches me the lesson I needed to learn. I'm not too old to learn new tricks.

Speaking of new tricks, here's a funny one. In spell-checking this entry, Blogger.com's spell-check tool returned "blog" as an unknown word. The machines have yet to become self-aware. Thank you T2 and young John Connor... Thank you.
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Take Me Home

My Non-Funny Blog.