Good Reasons To Defraud A Corporation

As part of most employment packages for full-time workers, and the less-than-part-timers on salary (wheeee!), a company frequently pays the premiums for its employees health care coverage. This includes medical, dental, vision, psychological (underutilized), nutritional (right), and often some "alternative therapies," such as chiropractic and massage ("happy endings" available only with a co-pay).

These benefits are mainstays of a "good job." You work full time, the company gives you a health care coverage bundle, and perhaps some stock options to go along with your raping the company of it's operating capital because you and the other dipshits made every wrong decision when it came to forward-thinking strategies in technology... I'm sorry, that's not you, that was John Zeglis, former CEO of AT&T Wireless who walked with a severance package in excess of $15,000,000. Got that? He ruined a company and made off with, and I can't say this loudly en-MF'ing-nuff... in EXCESS of FIFTEEN MILLION DOLLARS.

John Zeglis lacked foresight (it was removed at birth) which left AT&T Wireless quacking indignantly around the shallow pond of wounded companies, wings broken, trying still to light to the wind. Every flap caused greater internal damage, while the signals to stop and fix things never got through to the brain, which was lodged ass-wise in the lame duck. Eventually the whole carcass was picked up by Cingular, the Dr. Frankenfurter of wireless communication, for experiments in torture and/or bureaucratic horse-pulling. What's next? Why, the sweet relief of a Layoff, if you're lucky.

People who did a lot of hard work to make a situation better are being let go due to a decision forced down the throats of managers with employees with stellar performance results. Those being layed-off are lucky. A lot of people are getting their walking papers right now, with a hefty chunk of change and their benefits to hold them over for a few months. Play it right and these folks wouldn't have to work for about a year, while their health coverage steps in when needed.

But what if health coverage was no longer there? Get used to this idea, because I believe the health care industry is eating itself from the outside in, which will affect all of us sooner or later. Major corporations dump tons of cash into the health insurer's coffers every year as premiums for their employees. Health care costs are on the rise again. Employees rarely use their benefits to full extent, opting instead to wear their hideous glasses for another presidential administration. If you are the kind of dedicated worker who comes into work even when you're very ill, I thank you for this:
* By not going to the doctor and staying home for one day to rest, and spare your physically if not emotionally healthy co-workers from contracting your wet-coughing/sinus-clogging/nipple-blistering catfish flu, you saved your company $250!
* On the flip side, four co-workers said "F this, I can't work with nipple-clogging sinus-blisters!" and took two days off each to see doctors. (4 co-workers X 2 Missed days) X $250/day = $2,000! Luckily, you were there to forward another round of jokes to your missing co-workers, all while continuously sneezing, coughing, and dripping on every 3rd surface you touched. With your lack of intelligence, your illness could live on forever!

The alternatives the corporations begin to wonder about - and anytime money is involved, corporations start a-wond'rin' - will likely include the following, when it comes saving money on health care costs for employees:

1. Get rid of employees. Go all-contracted work, which would probably violate some sort of anti-something laws. I know one large software company that has had tons of problems with contractors not getting a fair shake over the years. So, no contractors.
2. Robots! Finally, metal humanoids or possibly dolphins or an octopus will be doing our work, controlled at the push of a button. They will work all night and all day, never needing rest or doctors visits! BOO-AH HA HA HAAAAAAA!
   OH CRAP, computers are robots, and they never fail, huh? So maybe that's not a good idea. Unless the company pays 3-5 men with cinch-waisted black leather jackets to park their Chrysler PT Cruisers out front and their Robot-loving carcasses inside to work on whichever unit breaks down. They'll know a lot about the technology, and won't be caught up in any kind of relationship.
3. Monkies! I've seen any number of Project Managers at my company who could not handle the daily schedule of a prairie dog, let alone the negotiation and coordination of getting 3 people together for a company-paid lunch. But let's see a bonobo whip out a 47,000 record pivot table and graph in under 10 minutes, while NOT whipping turds into the other cages.
   Seriously, that would be rather grand.
   
4. NO MORE BENEFITS! You heard me, no more benefits! Sorry, you don't get 'em. You'll have to go through an insurance broker. And you'll find that you pay about $75-$200 a month to cover your needs. And you'll be fine. When's the last time you went to a doctor? Okay, BESIDES for the baby and those sores? Exactly. Get ready. Your company doesn't care about you.

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