A Five O'Clock Foreshadow

I headlined at Laughs Comedy Spot a few weeks ago and quickly tired of my own voice. My act is touching issues I truly believe in, specifically the ridiculousness of a "Death With Dignity" act being voter-approved (yet we want nobody to say anything about our bodies), and how being nice to people isn't really worth it if you want to feel good about people in general. But I just cannot stand to hear myself talk about that crap anymore. I am seeking a deeper connection to my material, and that is exactly why I'll probably never be a big stand-up comedian star power who they speak of by last name only. Lott's in town, dude, let's see if we can get in for free and sit in the back. Maybe he needs an opener. I cannot believe "Avatar" was made for a half-billion, and we have so much more in this country that is side-fucked beyond Amercian Standards.


My life is Good, really. And that's a tough-shelled egg for the spermatazoa of comedy to burrow into.


I guess since the other car broke down I have "that much more" to ponder. Down payments, dealers, schedules... it's different now that we have a baby but no car to put him in... and all that comes with dealing with a car. And nobody knows anything but they know it all about buying a car. So we got it narrowed down, and the narrowing is harrowing because of all those issues of gravitas of Monthly Payments and Financing and Insurance and Being a Grown-Up. And I'm trying to not bring any of it up at work because, instead of advice, I would get stories about all the problems they've had with dealerships. Except for the TimeJacker, who would weave together some horsefeather story that included Self Aggrandizing, Misogyny, Homophobia, Narcissism, and Outsmarting The System. Sheesh. No thanks. I'd rather suffer a bit in my own silence.

Maybe I'm dehydrated. I'll have some water and see what comes of it.



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MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT

Craigslist Post Of A Loser's Financial Decisions

This reads like somebody got a hold of some credit cards before the ability to understand "Priority" over "Appearances." The stuff's too current to have been a death, unless the Russian Mafia made a call to the apartment.

HOLARIOUSLY ridiculous:

Estate sale All must go now! (east everett)

65 inch big screen with remote 2004 edition like new (NO WAY IS THIS LCD, ENJOY THE TUBE)
2009 blue pocket rocket mini bike (NECESSARY FOR CLOWN COLLEGE)
NBA hardwood heroes 2005 medallion collection unopened mint (OH GOOD, WE FOUND THE GUY WHO BOUGHT ONE)
2 small IKEA adjustable stools (SKIMPED ON THE STOOLS?)
a easton rampage baseball bat aluminum (USED ONLY TO HIT PINECONES AND M-80'S)
nice sunbeam heater (FOR WHEN THEY SHUT THE GAS OFF)
Gold seiko chronometer watch like new (HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT A CHRONOMETER IS)
a very nice prada handbag like new (SWAP-MEET, ANYBODY?)
air assault rifle with matching air pistol (TO USE FOR CLOWN MOTORCYCLE RIDE-BY STAININGS)
24 car opened hot wheel collection (EITHER A SAD MAN, OR A VERY SAD BOY)
3 differant sets of curtains (EMILE DIFFERANT DESIGNS CURTAINS?)
gameboy sp advance with case and 13 games (I'M THINKING THERE'S NOT A LOT OF SEX HERE)
magellon 40/40 maestro navigation system new and in box (STOLEN FROM WORK)
black leather sofa and love seat (OKAY, THIS VIBE IS OFFICIAL)
576 opened but nice hott wheels (250 cash for all or 1 each) (A COLLEC-TOR!)
JVC home stereo system in rack with digital receiver ,200 disc player,deck,18 speakers including 4 15 inch wooffers with remotes (HEY GUYS, COME OVER AND LOOK AT MY HOTT WHEELSS WHILE WE LISTEN TO SOME GENESIS)
versace 1 0f a kind 24kt gold sunglasses (I SMELL EASTERN BLOC)
matching red chairs from dania (AND DRAKKAR)
a red desk chair (AND CHLOROFORM)
a white computer desk (AND COCAINE)
cafe table with matching barstools (AND AMARETTO)
tons of sports memorabillia, autos,figurines,game worn ,franklin mint ,cartwright collectables etc... (BUT NOTHING FEMALE)
lots of DVDs and CDs (MOSTLY PORN AND PORN SOUNDTRACKS)
lots of valuable books (NOTHING ON FINANCIAL PLANNING)
a color tv with built in dvd player and remote (FOR THE MAN-CAVE COVERED IN HOTT WHILLSS TO WATCH PR0N ON)
black leather recliner (FOR WATCHING PORN IN)
ipod nano cases (iPOD NANO NOT INCLUDED, STOLEN FROM WORK)
JL Audio 500w amp 2 JL Audio Subwoofers in a custom car toys box new with receipts for 1,900. will take best cash offer (TRADED FOR COCAINE)
raingear (FOR OUTDOOR SLEEPING... ON SECOND THOUGHT...)(
a brand new mens leather jacket (OH YEAH, THIS GUY'S SEEN SOME HOMEMADE VODKA HALLUCINATIONS)
franklin mint gold plates shaquell oneal and michael Jordan (SHITTINGS ME YOU MUST)
wood tv cart (TO WHEEL AROUND THE PR0N TV)
Nokia cell phone and charger (FOUND)
a nice boys scooter blue
golf clubs set
6 foot ladder
electric leaf blower (TRADED FOR SOME VITAMIN-K)
Piece of a Barry Bonds home run ball framed (PIECE? GOOD ENOUGH, WHERE DO I PAY?)
a car vac that plugs into you lighter new in box (TO FIND THE COKE IN THE BIMMER)
a auto detailing kit (NEVER GOT THIS BUSINESS OFF THE GROUND)
a vintage celtic jewelry box (YOU KNOW THESE ARE HARD TO FIND THESE DAYS)
much much more
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I am sorry I missed this sale before the "accidental fire."

It's Done Been Rung

2009 is here.
2008 was nuts. Total shakedown year, the louts and losers and mooches got a LOT of heat in '08. I am still disgusted with the bailout situations for large banks, while a lot of people were losing their homes and H2's. Per usual, my ability to see both sides of a situation keep me from really taking a side. I think the predatory lenders at the banks were likely less-than-forthcoming about fees and upwardly-adjusting interest rates that would hike mortgage payments. I have had my own run-ins with those fart-savers, and when you work on a commission, of COURSE people will work the money in a way that says "It works out for YOU, the Buyer!" GREED, get it? Greed got most people. I love it.

The automaker bailouts, wow... it's amazing how corporations in our country can be so poorly-managed (like Mohan Gyani and John Zieglis running AT&T Wireless into the iceberg of old technology), and STILL walk away with millions of dollars in "severance pay." If most people at their jobs make a bad decision, a project goes a couple thousand over budget, or worse, the 6-foot sub sandwich has NO... CHEESE... But when you fail to LEAD a company as a CEO or President in a progressive direction, including adversiting, market position, and apple-bottomed spokesmodels who like MY comedy, and STILL get BILLIONS of dollars to correct your mistake, well sheeeeeit, why even try the first time? FORD is not taking any money, by the way. They have decided to work it out on their own. They are making more and more Hybrids, as are most companies. That won't be enough. We have a lot of unread newspapers and phone books, we MUST be able to extract some sort of energy from them.

So I'm happy to see that 2008 is gone. We started 2009 in Pismo Beach, a small-town, mid-Coast burg about 3 hours North of Culver City. It's the kind of town where, when you get a DUI, the officer takes you out for a beer afterwards. I got to perform 2 shows with Lisa Landry, a great comic from New York who moved out here with her husband and son a few months ago. We co-miserated over moves, as we, too moved, with a monkey-cat. Lots of drive time, my neck is a little tight. 2 Drunk Asspleats in the front row of show 2 nearly ruined it, though some people wanted them kicked out, right before being publicly stripped and face-crammed with a Dodge. The "manager" was a complete puss, walking into the room... after one of the guys pulled an Iraqi Confetti Moment and THREW HIS SHOE AT LISA... and the manager addressed the drunk f*ck by name and told him to "not embarrass (the manager)." His chace to be a hero, shot down so he could be "cool" in the eyes of this guy that he knows. More customers will remember THAT than how good the show was. And the bar-staff, including Gary "Comb On Over!" The Bar'sTender, just shrugged it off as if it were the comic's fault for not making a big stink about it.

I loved the shows, I'd do them again, and next time I'll make the kind of stink I usually reserve for the morning of Seis De Mayo.

So here we go. 2009. I'm not making resolutions or anything like that. Just regulating some things, and making sure I put some extra effort into some positioning. Things are to be done. Stop half-assing it and pretending it's not a problem. It is a problem. If nobody is talking to you about it, then you have a SERIOUS problem, and we only think you're sensitive about it. Get it checked out by a professional, get it fixed, and swallow your pride a bit so you can be Better. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Go get it.

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A Traffic, Oil, And Giant Solution To Problems

My solution to traffic, fender-benders, the insurance industry, road rage, fat-cat oil company profiteers who can't drill in the Mexican Sea Gulf, drunk driving, that dipshit with the loud rap music stereo blasty-boom, people who demand you get out of their way because they are late for a latté, your impending short-comings due to underestimating the intense influence of a red-head, lowered Acuras driven by shit-head kids with no insurance crossing 4 lanes in 1/8 of a mile after merging, and Calvin peeing on a rival car makers.

(ahem)

Oh, and Nick Hogan.

Everybody would be in pods that have giant magnets in the front and back. Front magnets and rear magnets have opposite polarities, but all fronts have the same and and all rears have the same. See, that means you get close to, but not crash into, the other cars.




Then, the entire system runs on tracks that are magnetized, like those tracks that the bullet trains run on in Japan, Germany, and every other country we've kicked the S out of in a war. Losers better their positions, and the winners walk around making movies about our triumphs, that we have to drive to at $4.37 a gallon. Assclowns. And you zip right along, ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP. The track has magnets that switch polarities and zip you along quietly, with the only exhaust coming from Michael Savage.

THEN, you get in your pod, which would be like a comfortable little office or customized bathroom with a TV and WiFi connection and a place to "do business" and a boss-ass system. You punch in where you wanna go, hit the GO button, and you zip into the flow of traffic that is on the rail.

The rail system senses you coming in, and slows a car down a half-mile back, so you get right into where you fit best. NO MERGING. NO ASSFACE DISSING YOU FOR TRYING GET AHEAD OF THEM, HOW DARE YOU, SeatSniffer. And bingo, you're in the flow in a Merge/Purge lane.

Merge/Purge? That's the lane on the far right that goes about 15 M'sPH slower than the rest of traffic. You go there FIRST, then you get into traffic, and the lanes go faster depending on how far you have to go. If you're in it for the long haul, you get way to the left and zoom along at about 70-80 M'sPH. If you're heading to Trader Joe's, you get about 45 M'sPH, while finalizing your shopping list and talking to your therapist.

HANDS FREE, of course.
And I will still miss meetings because I'll leave the house 3/10ths of a second later than I ought to.

NO, this won't work, I know that.
Because we love our cars.
They give us the personality where our Personality should be.

And because people love being Tail-Gated by the... BITCH... who can't drive and talk at the same time and then acts like it's MY fault that she's gonna be late to work at the tanning salon. And it's not. It's her fault she can't keep her GPA up at a Vo-Tech.

And because the guy in the BMW M3 I see every day passing in school zones would have to develop a NEW skill to compensate for a flaccid personality. I wanna gutterball that doosh.

And because we love pulling to a red light, in the right-hand lane, and sitting behind the bootch who ain't seen that it's a RightTurnOnly lane, and there's no cross-traffic, so GO... GO AHEAD... go go go go go go GO GO GO GO GO GO GO... go. Please. Oh CheezIts Crepes, I'm going to push you into traffic. (yes, this happened today).

So anywho, that's just my suggestion. I think we're close to accepting the notions I proposed. However, until we find a way for people to be employed on the magnetic roads thing... I'll be cruising around town in a car not unlike the one seen below.

You know... for personality.

The great minds are all off-center, off-kilter, and need to be that way.

I'm changing the world. YOU change the lightbulbs.

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The Refinance Dance

Last year, Alicia and I looked at refinancing our home to take advantage of better interest rates than the one we're in now. My rate of interest was high in a lower interest rate... GET IT???

COMEDIAN over here. My co-workers have no idea.
ANYWAY, there was a lot of running around because I worked as an independent contractor for a few months, but always made payments on time and all that stuff a RESPONSIBLE person does. It took a long time to get all this crap handled. But we did it.

Then it came time to sign, and hmm... lots of random fees show up on our paperwork, so we said "No," and we walked out. We don't take on debt to allay debt. You may as well fart into the hose of your gas-mask, like some of my old bosses do.

So here's what happened. The guy we worked with hounded me for a few months because they "paid" to have our home appraised, but we didn't go through with the re-fi, and the $ for the appraisal got yanked outta his paycheck. Here's what happened after that.
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Here's where it Started
Subject: Appraisal
Date: Thu, 15 Nov 2007 15:16:06 -0800
From:
To: Geoff Lott

Hi Jeff;

I just had $400 taken out of my paycheck in order to pay for the appraisal that was conducted on your home.
I would appreciate receiving the payment that you agreed to make.

Please call me with any questions.

Kind regards,
{Turdlet}

"Committed To Saving Our Neighbors Money"

MY RESPONSE
From: Geoffrey Lott
Sent: Friday, November 16, 2007 10:34 AM
To: {Turdlet}
Subject: RE: Appraisal

Hello {Turdlet},

I'm sorry about the money. However, my wife and I did everything that was asked of us to go through with the refinance process, from numerous faxes and emails and forms, to phone calls while on business trips. With as much work as we put in, we weren't trying just to get a free appraisal.
In every commercial I have heard for {TURD COMPANY} it is states that {TURD COMPANY} will "pay to have your house appraised." There’s no contingency attached.

We acted in every step with the full intent of going through with the refinancing via {TURD COMPANY}. Our decision to halt the transaction was due to over $7,000 in fees, which counteracted the entire reason we wanted to refinance. We would actually be incurring more debt, which isn’t in our best interest. We won’t be paying the $400 appraisal fee, as {TURD COMPANY}’s commercial says {TURD COMPANY} will pay for it, we don't feel we owe {TURD COMPANY} any money, and I don't remember signing any legal agreement saying I would pay for an appraisal if the deal didn't go through. And you misspelled my name,which in most circles I work in is a respect issue.

I apologize that it may have taken much of your time, but it took ours, too, and ultimately, we decided against buying the {TURD COMPANY} product.

Nothing personal, it just wasn't going to work for us.
I'm sorry, again, that any more time and money was lost here. We did all we could with the hope of a good deal. But that wasn't going to happen, so we couldn't go through with it, regardless of everyone's efforts, ours and yours.

Sincerely,
Geoff Lott
"Committed To Not Getting Plowed"

HIS RESPONSE
Subject: RE: Appraisal
Date: Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:52:40 -0800
From: Plop
To: Geoff Lott

Hi Geoff;

Sorry about the misspelled name. I believe that was the first time it ever happened in this transaction, but still, no excuse. Again, my apologies. Let’s both chalk this one up to experience and move on.

Kind regards,
{Turdlet}
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So there ya go. I'm starting to embrace the necessity of calling people out. Public embarrassment needs to come roaring back to the forefront, until people realize that those around us are more worthy of our courtesy than those on a phone on their couch and in their own stink.

We matter. Most of us.

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Financially Advised #1

In the past year my wife and I have made huge strides in our financial health. It has been through hard work, grumbling, and hours of sitting down and making a budget that we could live by. By "Budget," I truly mean a Plan that is down to the last dollar being accounted for.

Savings. Groceries. Gas. Oil Changes. Property taxes. Personal Spending money. Everything. Every month.

She's done the hard part, by marrying me. From there, we took a class last year called "Financial Peace University" from Dave Ramsey's family of teaching. It changed our outlook on life, and therefore, it changed our lives for the better. I owe a gigantic blank check from the bank of my love to my wife for this. It works.

So I wanted to share some of this with you, what we learned, in case you've got some money issues. This ain't for everyone, but here's the first lesson we learned.

1) DEBT = DEATH. Stop pulling it in on yourself. Here's how.
A) Pay your monthly minimums on credit cards and debts until you have $1,000 in your Savings account. This is your Security Fund. Freeze your cards in a glass of water in the freezer and stop using them. They are holding you back and down like an anchor, giving you excuses to not do what you want to do in life. Stop. Now. It's like a drug, I know, I've been there. You'll have plenty of money once you...

B) Create a budget. You have to. How much do you spend a month on groceries? Do you know? Find out. Track it. Account for it. Gas money? Car insurance? Housing? Heating? Electricity? Phone? Internet? Do you really know? Only when you know, can you do something about it, much like a baby-daddy. How much are you bringing in? How much are you putting out? Get a spreadsheet worked up that shows where every dollar goes for the next 2 months. I'll send one to you if you need it, but you deserve the benefit of the effort you put in. You'll reap the rewards of a budget. I've never had more peace than when we did this. And every week we have money to spend on whatever else we want. Not a giant grip, but a good amount to spend on clothing, music, waxing, clown supplies, etc. And no need for credit cards.

C) Change your thinking: Building Wealth is Good; Buying Stuff I Don't Need Is Bad. If you NEEEEED to buy something every week, and you're still in debt, you're an addict and it's time to get some help. Britney, Paris, Kardashians, etc. shop all the time because they are EMPTY inside. Does that describe you? what are you filling your emptiness with? I fill mine with Comedy. And dark chocolate. But no longer do I drop $500 at IKEA because "it's time I get some new furniture to throw out in a year." The Joneses you're trying to keep up with either make waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more money than you, or financed the rims on another car they won't ever pay off in the garage of a home with 4 flat TVs they can't watch all at once. They are drowning in debt. You're sailing home to Wealth.

Think of how much you pay in your debts each month.
Think of that adding up in your checking account or savings account.
Now think of the vacation you could be on, RIGHT NOW, totally funded, if you didn't have that debt. What did you buy with that debt? Do you still Love it?

Is it time to change? Start today!
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