Workin' It - Perspectives

It’s been over 5 years since I had a permanent, full-time, benefits+retirement+paid vacation job. 5 years. 1,500 days. I had one for a short time in 2008, but also had a few chances to make something bigger happen in my life, and thus happened the California misAdventures. Still, I wouldn’t trade those 14 months for anything in the world. However, I think a lot of folks may be taking what’s happened in the world, and how it missed them, for granted. And I’m hungry for it.

I want to take better care of my family. I work my ass off and want to be able to spend a full week at Christmas with my family and not fret over missing a week of pay. I want to give a company 50 hours a week, and a few on the weekend, and in return, bank a couple hundy for my retirement as a “thanks for last Saturday.” I’ll earn it.

As a contractor, I’ve busted my ass in large companies around the Puget Sound in order to keep working, maybe be brought on full-time, as well as gain experience. Not all companies work like that anymore. I haven’t had paid vacations, bonuses, nor the ability to really dump $ into my retirement accounts. This is what I’ve sacrificed in the face of “do not change. Change nothing. Don’t shake it up. Sit tight.” Financially it hasn’t been the best move. Sitting on the side of the “have not as much’es” (but still doing well), I miss out on money if I take days off work to go on a trip with the family. This is part of being a contract employee. My efforts go towards realizing the goals of the organizations I work in. I receive money for that. That’s all. It’s fact, not jealousy. And a lot of people I see who haven’t changed a thing in their careers have missed the point: If you’re not growing, you’re wilting.

In the meantime, I have scooped up experiences most folks have missed out on completely while their salary adjusted 3% up, and they complained. And they received a company-wide performance bonus, and complained it wasn’t as large as last year’s. I pay out of pocket for health benefits, and it doesn’t cover everything, which still matters around tax time. Full timers had to pay another $5 on the co-pay, and complained about getting screwed. Stress is a killer, ma’am. Take it easy. What a hard life you’re pushing through so valiantly. I know this is true, because I’ve heard it all. I’ve heard the complaints, the whining, the “can you believe what they’re doing to us?” whispered at the machine pumping out free lattes.

Don’t take these things for granted. These are perks, not rights. We’re not entitled to any of it. It’s a bonus, a hug, a little extra tongue on the second date. Have you really earned it? Did you create the iPad? Did you find the secret to no-burn cookies? Have you found a way to introduce demographically-targeted birth control so that the affluent neighborhoods are producing more children? No... You haven’t. Remember that the next time you are watching “Rio” from your back as your teeth go 2 shades whiter.

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MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT

Corporate Training & Obedience

Hi, good morning! Everyone?! Good morning, hi...
My name is Denise Szbarski and I am aaaa certified corporate training specialist here, and today I am going to lead our class on the Unified Requirements, Intentions and Negotiations Gathering, or URING, as we like to call it, heh heh heh... NOOOO, not the other word, come on now...

Does anybody have any questions at this point? No? Okay, then why don't we turn our cell phones off or to vibrate, probably better off so that your business emails and important phone calls don't take us away from the focus today while we're all... working through the process and knee deep in URING. Is everybody able to connect to the network? No? You're not? You? No, no, no... huh, 7 of 10 of you can't get on? Okay, well keep trying. Okay then.

Okay, then normally we go around the room to introduce ourselves and say which department we're in to kill time that I can't fill, but instead of doing that, okay let's dive right into our work today. By the time we get to the last person most of us forget who was first anyway and it doesn't really impact our job nor this class, okay then.

Okay, then now the URING process was created out of a need for Senior Leadership like Daniel and Marlia and Steven to impart some change to an otherwise barely-flawed process we were all comfortable and knowledgeable with. After being confused about the actual details that go into planning and design they found a need to get everybody on a new page instead of the same page. Instead of having no answers as to what all has transpired during the gathering and design phases of projects, they now have an acronym they can refer to and feel as if they are at-one with their organization. They don't know any of your names and don't particularly care to, okay then.

Okay, then when you get to the last 72 hours before a project you have worked on is supposed to launch, the URING process will be referred-to. Usually this will happen by one of the Senior Leaders who hasn't attended any of the calls or meetings, and they will ask questions at random times. The answers to those questions will likely, or may not be, in the URING document, so keep it on-hand at all times, okay then?

Okay, then OH is that a phone? Please... please let's turn off our phones again real quick, guys I hate to interrupt class like that, okay? I'm barely qualified to substitute-teach a quiet-drawing class, guys, okay, let's make sure our phones are off. I have control issues, okay then.

So we're going to go ahead and dive right in for the first 2 hours, is it cold in here? Can we turn the heat up? Are any of you guys cold? No? I am freezing, I'm going to get this heat going, I will be freezing up here, okay then.

So we're going to go ahead and dive in for about 2-and-a-half hours as an intro to the URING process, then a 10minute lunch and bathroom break, then we'll wrap up with 3 hours after lunch. Ah, there we go, I just heard the heat turn on. I set it for 78 so if anybody feels warm just imagine you're in Maui on the beach with a Corona, okay then.
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Corporate Training: When done well, it sounds nothing like this. Usually it sounds like this.


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MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT

No Comment is Good Comment

I was reminded this morning of a favorite Corporate Panic moment. One of those where, in the vein of "Paralysis by Analysis," we'd hit the wall on getting a project approved. After 5 rounds of documenting the process, refining it, mocking it up, running tests on it, the final package was sent around for comments... heh-heh, "package comments"... and NOBODY SAID ANYTHING BAD ABOUT IT. We had addressed everything that raised red flags, fixed bugs, and were ready to roll on this hot new version of your own "at-home Frozen Yogurt tap," or the "Icy FroGo!" (kind of kidding)

Long story short, we took it to the VP with proof that we'd met all requirements to get this thing launched, from cost to execution to benefit. And when she looked at it with full approval from everyone, her comment was a classic Corporate response:

"I'd like some folks to vet the comments you have received to see if they are valid."

In other words, she wanted comments on comments. Opinions of opinions.

Two weeks later we had not only received all the Comments on the Comments, and reviewed them in another 7 hours of meetings, but we MISSED OUR LAUNCH DATE for the Quarter!

So, before you open your mouth about your work, your dinner, the perfume of a co-worker, or why the shopping mall doesn't have a knife store, remember that your opinion has been considered, and was deemed a soft, round, pointless turd by your exclusion in the planning phase.

You're welcome.

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MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT, NPO

Two New Niceholes

NICEHOLE; n. A person who, in their own mind, is being jovial, funny, well-meaning, or polite, by being themselves, while annoying whomever they are around, speaking-to, or working with.

ElderHole
This old-ass hole is usually off the mark with comments ranging from race relations to politics to gang rivalries. Recently while on a walk with my son, we were Bjorn To Rock!, as I had him strapped to the front of my bodular personage on a sunny, cool day. I was wearing a cap with a large purple "W" on it as I am proud of the university from which I graduated, Go Dawgs.

Walking across a parking lot, a lady in her mid-60's (by the looks of things) was getting into her Buick LeSabre, and says to us:
"Oh what a cute baby. Did you know your daddy is a Husky? I'm sorry about that."
So apparently whichever school was allowing women to attend it when she was of child-bearing age and looks was/is a rival of the University of Washington. I'm assuming in Athletics. Nobody talks trash about the UW Medical Center.
So I respond with, "Yep, it's a great school for medicine, manners, and courtesy. Have a nice day."
ElderHole: Old people can be a pain in the ass.

SarcastHole
This is a very common 'Hole. This person is one who knows you were plagued by a recent "issue." While they could offer anything from Help to Silence in talking to you about it, even if it's none of their business, they go for Sarcasm.
Case in Pleats: The team I am working on had to come in over the past weekend to test a new system. I did not have to come in because I'm a Contractor and still green to the team, and wouldn't lend more than an upbeat attitude (outwardly) and a looooooooooong siiiiigh from time to time.
SarcastHole on the team sees me on Monday morning, and rarely ever speaks to me. Again, new guy-contractor-moderately ignorant... why WOULD he talk to me? I'm nothing to him. BUT... Monday morning he stops me, with a sly/dumb smile on his face so that he can ask...
'Hole: "Heh-heh... how was your weekend?"
Me!: (confused at the ask) "Uh, good, just enjoyed the weather. What about you?" (so now I've asked him how HIS boring weekend was like I give a fartwhiff.
'Hole: "Oh, you... uh... did you not have to come in?"
Me!: "What? Oh, no, I didn't have to test this weekend."

He just kind of nodded and walked off.
BAM, right there... PROOF that he was hoping to drive-further the knife of disappointment into my rippling man-body. Why not find somebody going through a divorce and ask them if they like having a big bed to stretch out in? Like living the weekend of work wouldn't have been enough to push the edge, this bag of farts on feet tried to make light of it by bringing it back up in a way that was neither witty nor gregarious. Just dumb. Hardy-har.

ElderHole
SarcastHole

Be on the lookout for these holes, people.

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MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT, NPO

Decession

So this no job thing sucks salty honk.
Last year I made the decision to quit my corporate career and pursue comedy, writing, and all other things Showbiz. That was September. In October, we awoke to find our fan, shit-covered and wobbly, and a large number of banks staring at us from across the room. Their hands, caked in the crap of a million bad loans and debt-swaps, smelling of greed and ground-through predatory lending practices.

And I have yet to find a steady job.
I've been without work before. Not for this long, mind you. A couple months here or there, thanks to working on-contract from time to time. Prior to these past 7 months, I was only out of work for 2 months at a stretch. Those were harrowing times, pre-wedding back in late 2006. But a good, better-paying job has always come along.

I've applied myself. A LOT. An annoyingly-lot-a-lot. A recruiter did tell me that many HR departments interview candidates with no intention of hiring soon; because, Hey, HR gotta look busy, too, right? It's the state of the economy. If you got one, hold on to it.

I know that I quit my job for a bigger reason. I did like the work I was doing. The people were, in their own ways, hilarious and helpful. I had a fantastic boss who knew how to lead AND let you just do your work. And the money was great. Like GREAT-great. Like "I'll buy dinner again, no problem"-great. And I could very well still be there. Letting my Purposes have a dim light shone on them every-other weekend. No adventure to speak of. Just even-keeled, tamely-paced prose in the history of our Life. Security, yep. THAT's what it's aaaaaaaall about. My spine and Will to Live were succumbing to the weight of the flourescent lights.

I don't have any answers for you right now, sorry. I suppose I could tell you WHEN things will all shake out but doing so would likely result in me being a liar. I would like to see people stop whining so much and try to better their position, however. Every time I hear about somebody who pulled a lever getting laid-off and they'd start crying about "future-robots taking our jobs overseas in Mexica!", I wonder what would've happened if they'd pursued THEIR dream. Lever-pulling isn't a gig you take when you near the summit.

I have no choice but to keep moving my brain and my feet. In the meantime, the least I could do is get me some sleep.

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Lessons In Being An A-Pipe

The Brett Favre saga continues, as he tells the Packers earlier this year that he's leaving them, then tells 'em, "Hey... daddy's thinking he may wanna hit that sweet Green & Gold ass a little more, whaddya say?"

In the meantime, the Packers decided to move on, like any healthy dumpee in a relationship, and go with a younger, thinner, QB who may need some development but is surely the way of the future.

So Brett needs attention. And he's had it for a month now. A lot of it. Overshadowing the entirety of the kickoff of the NFL season. It's not about the Packers, it's about Brett Favre. This is showing a side of Favre I don't like, which is too bad because he's a Hall of Fame lock for sure. But now he will also be remembered for waffling like this.


Another case in point, some Fart-in-Human-Form that I work with. Gawd, this guy...

Sure, he's under pressure from his boss to handle things. We all are. It's called WORK. I have some. I'm not doing it right NOW, but I have some.


See, when a guy decides that his work is of the utmost importance, he narrows his view of the world and sees only his target. And once he begins to swing wildly the arms of panic because somebody said "Uh... we need that sooner," then everyone not in his view gets hit. And until the hitting stops, the work done by everyone else suffers.


The past week has been a suffering at the end of the flail. Every email leads to a 45 minute call across 4 schedules. Every voicemail leads to a 90minute call across 15 schedules. And now... now this fella sends a round of emails to 10 people, and in the amount of time it would take one of above-normal intelligence (and twice-above-normal Handsomeness) to read the thread and make sense of something with a subject line of "Support For Group,"

The DiaperLoad calls me to reiterate what was in his email...
Because I guess I have nothing else to do...
And work only to serve him...
Which means, likely...
He's not married.


So yeah, if you wanna be an A-hole, that's a phenomenal way to do it. Demand, demand, demand, and then when your turn comes up, act like you deserve it.


Oh, and double-clicking your pen (tk-tk... tk-tk-tk-tk...) and bouncing your leg all day are not "activity," they are nervous habits for which you should have a crayon taped to your hand and your ankles duct-taped together. For crying out loud, WHY CAN'T I JUST COME OUT AND SAY THIS???


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