Announcing My Retirement

Dear Friends,

After many years, after the passion and the heartache, the triumph and the pain, the ups and the downs, the downers and the uppers, the idiots and the awesome, I make this announcement with a lot of love and zero regret.

Today, I am retiring from professional football.

I have pursued my passion for years, but never got picked up by a team. Nor did I try out, for that matter. Sure, at 6'1" and 220-237lbs, depending on when you got me over the past 12 years, I could run a 40-yard dash in the 4.8 - 5.7sec range. I once bench pressed 225lbs 36 times over the course of 12 minutes. And my lateral quickness is equivalent to Orville Redenbacher's. The man, not the 'corn. Guy died in 1995. Choked on a JuJuBee at a movie, can you believe that shit?

From here, there are many dreams I will continue to pursue. I will eventually write a lot of entertaining, funny, award-winning radio jingles for car dealerships, or on-line dating sites. I'll probably keep doing stand-up comedy, that seems to be working out pretty well and doesn't have a weight limit, from what I can tell. I'll continue being as smart as I can without losing an audience, but really, when it comes down to it, I'd rather throw in my mouthpiece, strap the helmet on, and dive headlong into the 3rd row for a loose chipotle chicken wing.

My dream never materialized, and it's time to realize I'm just not the pulling guard, defensive tackle, or team jokester I used to be. It's been a great ride, and I've loved thinking that I would one day run out onto the field in front of 873 fans at a 4th-tier Arena Football League exhibition game in Grand Mound, WA. But Life is calling. It's time to do the right thing for my family, for my health, and stop thinking about professional football as a viable career option.

To my fans, it's really weird that you thought I was a good player. I never played a down. Get your life together, and please stop sending me your jockstraps.

To my detractors, you were right. I wasn't fast enough, nor did I have the fire in my belly to play professional football, get in street fights, push girlfriends down stairs, and then start a foundation for area youth sports with my name all over it to help ease the punishment of my 4th DUI. I did what I could with what I had. I wasn't the most-gifted athlete, but I made up for it by not working very hard.

I will always love football.
Football will not miss me. It will go on.

For now, bring on the Coffee Ice Cream and let's enjoy our lives.

Sincerely,
Geoff Lott

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At A Loss For Words

Lately, I feel like I've been nothing if not consistently good at making molehills into mountains, and then hiking into those mountains, getting wine-drunk and throwing a torch into the underbrush to set that mountainside alight. Then I say something like “Oh man, I can totally clean this up.” I’m not afraid of taking my medicine, I’m just sick of feeling like I should be on meds.

The past two shows I’ve done have been lackluster. They have a luster quotient not being totally fulfilled. I feel like I get to a point where I lose the audience, and that’s just not something I can put on the crowd. When a room full of people aren’t laughing, they aren’t laughing about the same thing; Me. So I gotta figure some crap out.

Here are some things I’ve been doing that may be turning audiences off:

1. I’m too quiet
2. I’m too loud
3. I’m too expressive, and therefore they think I’m being “fake”
4. I’m not expressive enough, and they think I’m phoning it in
5. My material is too smart
6. My material is too dumb
7. My material is immaterial
8. My performance is too low-energy
9. I’m too high-energy
10. I suck.
11. I am going too fast.
12. I am going too sloooooow.
13. UNLUCKY!
14. Something, I can't tell what, but you know, it's like, there's a THING and OH DAMN, if I could draw it there'd be like a brick on it and it would be like, There ya go, but you can't just draw it... CRAP...

So I’ll work on figuring out what the hell I’m doing and get it dialed in. I have shows this week, and heading into November I gotta be on my game for the Seattle Comedy Competition.

Personally, I think I'm starting slowly and not defining myself from the moment I get on-stage. I've learned more about who I am since I started comedy than I ever did in any relationship I was in, not to mention the therapy that followed it. So I'll keep working at it, and hopefully the audiences will keep being kind of nice and laughing.

I am happy that I’m upset that I’m not doing better, however. I think the day I quit caring about how I do on-stage will be too many days AFTER I should have said “Thank you, and good night” for the last time. If I’m not getting laughs, I’m not getting the job done, and that’s just not fair to the 60 and Older crowds I’m playing to these days.

This was a very, very unfunny entry. Sorry.

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Way To Show 'em Who The Boss Is!

America stopped 4 terror people this weekend before they could terror American airports that are busy!

It's awesome and it's in the papers and news TV because you gotta know that America is on your side! American government workers are here to protect you, and we should trust them. A couple weeks ago they also caught some terrorists in New York who took a video tape in to have it turned in to a DVD, and the guy transferring it saw the contents of the tape and knew right away it was a terror plot and notified the FBI. The tape was a show called "Martyrdom For Dummies."

I am funny!

Go America!

It's always best to tell the terrorists all the ways that we are catching them so they are afraid of us and never try those ways again. Don't just catch them and whisk them away and say nothing about it. The terrorists read newspapers, too, so while it may look like the government guys are really only saying "Hey, we protected you!", what they are really saying is "Hey, Terrorist John, we know how you tried to get us, and we stopped you! Now you have to find all new ways to get us!"

That's awesome to do that all the time. Keep telling the plotters all the ways we stop them. And that way, much like a game of poker but where you tell the other players what cards you have, they will know exactly when to hold 'em... and when to detonate 'em.

God...
Bless America.
Please?

Take Me Home

My Blog About My Dad