No. 1 to No One - Football!

Anybody who follows professional football... there goes half the readers I LOVE YOU GUYS NO MATTER WHAT, COME BACK THIS WEEKEND!... knows the story of Jamarcus Russell. Drafted by the Oakland Raiders in 2007, this mountain of a quarterback had a lot of physical prowess. He could whip a ball 60 yards WHILE ON HIS KNEES. Pretty quick. Strong. But that's about it. Lots of guys like that in college. What makes a Quarterback a QB are his mental toughness, willingness to learn, leadership ability, and willingness to tag only the finest ass in the Western Hemisphere (see Brady, Tom and Bundchen, Gisele).

People jump Russell's case because he dropped out of the league so fast it made Ryan Leaf look like Lou Groza. I feel bad for Russell in some sense, because it's nobody else's business if the guy didn't have the character-foundation necessary to carry the load of a #1 pick for a crappy team with an insane owner and an even-worse fanbase. Cases in point:

That dude's not even on the team, people. He's not even on the roll-call for the work release that pulls trash after home games. As for Mother Girth up there, let's hope that's the last of the line. Would YOU want to entertain these folks with the threat of a 308-lb D-end dropping you face-first from the blindside? You could pay me enough to do it, believe me. And I could probably do it better than Russell.

But here's the issue... everybody says Russell wasted his talent. He didn't have the talent to be a professional QB. The only person who should truly be hit in the face a lot is Al "Zombie Eyes" Davis.Al's owned the Raiders far longer than most thought he'd be alive for, and made bad pick after bad pick, as if it were a video game and not an actual sport based on Madden. He decided to bring Jamarcus in and sign him and exalt him with the status, and everybody leapt to the edge of the lion pit to see if Jamarcus could handle it, for a guaranteed $31,000,000, or $2,009,160 after California taxes.

Russell bombed. Horrible. Unfocused, out of shape, not a QB for the NFL. So leave him alone. When you get shitcanned from The Juice Goose next month nobody's gonna torchsong your ass out the door. You're fired. Take your millions and go. And this idea that Russell wasted his talent? How about he had the tools and had no idea how to use them and didn't really give a shit about using them? And he took millions from one of the worst owners of one of the worst teams and decided to get drunk instead. BFD.

Russell walked with millions in his pocket, somewhat of a college education, and some time as a celebrity. He didn't have what it takes, and the fact he got as far as he did with thick of a head on his shoulders is a miracle. Like when a movie star dies before 50, there's some sort of outpouring of tragic empathy, how they "left us too soon." How do you know their involvement in the art, the sport, or even car detailing didn't keep them alive longer than their drug habit wanted? Russell's out. He's rich. He's fat. He did a shitty job and still walked with millions. He may not be a QB in the NFL, but he appears to have what it takes to be a CEO in corporate America.

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MC, HOST, CORPORATE, COMEDY, SEATTLE, GEOFF, LOTT

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Maddening Nation

ESPN has gone to new heights to showcase talents that are good nowhere else but in a niche market.
World Series coverage? Yes.
World Series of Poker? 8 straight days of it.
Bass fishing. World's Strongest Mammoth. Billiards. Bowling. Women's Collegiate Rowing.
Why not?

A few years ago they hopped on-board with the Madden video game wave... about a decade late... and started hosting and broadcasting nation-wide tournaments. This is a major culture in the US gaming circles. I totally understand that.
When I was in college at Central Washington University (GO CATS), myself and 10 other dorm-mates did similar things. We spent hours running tournaments (I've won a couple) and practicing and talking sheeeeit to each other. It was a riot.

In watching the Madden Nation Finals the other day, 12minutes I'll never get back, I noticed how intense the...
1) Smack-talking was ("Don't even TRY that, SON" and "STUPID, try it again, DUMMY, see what happens, FAM'LY!", and that's the very tame stuff), as if they were about to punch each other in the face...
AND
2) How truly dumb the players were. My sad favorite was a fat, dumb kid from Tampa named "Bud." Bud is 19 years old. He weighs in excess of 300lbs. He plays videogame football. He is, in the link above, the kid at the far left of the group.
When they did the "player profile" interview, it went like this...
"My nayn Jayng Jone. When I's bo'n, m' mama inna hos'i'al jus' call m' Buud, so das what I'm called. Buuud."
"At firs' I wan' be a psychologis'. But then I wa' like, nah, I jus' wanna be free, so I kep' gamin' and look at me now."

So I think his name is James.
And he wanted to be a psychologist, and instead, NAH, decided to "be free" and turn it up for some video gamin'. He came in 4th. In the nation. Hopefully he'll parlay that placing into a career in Madden coaching or Madden play-by-play commentary or Madden Summer Camps for kids.
Or no, he can't.

It's truly the funniest TV show on right now. It's unintentionally so, but when a 20 year-old from Philly, with waxed eyebrows, wins the whole thing, and talks about getting plasma TVs for every room in his mom's basement, you know we need to bring back the Draft.




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QB Posts Memorable Workout Showcase For Detroit Lions

The Detroit Lions were winless last season, not an easy accomplishment in a league where Gus Frerotte still has a job. In this private workout, University of Georgia QB Matthew Stafford’s intent was to show the Lions, who have the first pick in next month’s draft, if he was the type of quarterback they should consider choosing, paying millions of dollars to, and bringing into the history of the Detroit Lions. After a stellar college career, he is considered the best quarterback available in this year’s draft.

RESULTS

Height: 6ft 3in.

Weight: 257lbs

Stafford appeared to have gained 32 pounds since appearing at the Scouting Combine in February. When asked about his weight-gain, Stafford replied, “It’s mostly fat and salt, I’m a prize pig, gotta look the part. I’m trying to conserve energy for the long season ahead. Detroit’s a cold place to live, gotta prepare the body for those late runs into December.”

40-Yard Dash:

In an unusual display, it’s believed that Stafford’s backwards-running of the 40 was a first in private workout history. Posting a time of 11.53, Stafford told Lion’s scouts “I run backwards. I think that’s a key behind your line.” His only attempt at a forward-facing run was full-speed afte 12 yards, until the 20-yard mark, where Stafford instinctively slid feet first, and laid on the ground for 10 seconds, visibly winded.

Vertical Leap:

Stafford’s 4 attempts at the vertical yielded results of 23inches, 25-3/4 inches, a strained groin, and a minor display of incontinence. It was at this point that Stafford powered-down a 36-oz. milkshake and dozed off for a 28-minute nap.

Throwing:

It appears that Stafford’s mechanics have taken a hit after hiring a new throwing instructor, former Major League pitcher Hideo Nomo. Now throwing left-handed, Stafford’s accuracy, velocity, and release were off, slow, and submarine-style. While completing all passes under 10 yards between the hash-marks, his percentages dropped steeply to all out-routes over 5 yards. He threw only 20 passes, the last 2 from a folding chair while finishing an avocado-bacon burrito. His longest “throw” was 31 yards, which, after releasing, a sweaty, red-faced Stafford grabbed his left shoulder in pain, then motioning for his trainer to toss him a beer.

Stafford’s interview with team officials was marred by constant eating, calling them “Judge Bongload” and “Assclown,” and eventually, snoring. His agent’s only statement was, “Matthew Stafford’s efforts today show exactly how much he would like to be a Detroit Lion. Now, it’s up to the Lions to decide what kind of team they are.”

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Gassed Prices

How much cheaper would gas be, were it not for NASCAR?

Do we need 500 miles at Daytona? What can't be solved in 250, or just 125?

When one begins to break down the amount of fuel used to transport the professional athletes around the country, it makes you realize that you may be some sort of homosexual, boy, and ya best start looking at nekkid wuman.

Just sayin'.

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Congrats To The New York Giants

Big ATTA-BOY to the Giants for beating the Patriots and their lackluster team in the Super Bowl, #XLII, or "The 2nd One Since The Seahawks Got Screwed."

The Giants WON. The Pats didn't LOSE. New York played like they wanted to win the game. The Pats sat on their thumbs and looked flat. Other than Wes Welker.

The Patriots coach, Bill "Gigantic Babyass" Belichick ran off the field with :02 left in the game, his defeat secured with a kneel-down by the Giants QB, Eli Manning. Classless, arrogant MoFo who ran up the score on a number of teams didn't just leave the field...

HE LEFT HIS TEAM.

If I were the Patriots' owner, Bob "All Your Food Are Ours" Kraft, I'd fine him his game check for that cowardly retreat. Bill cost the team $750,000 for illegally videotaping other team's signals. Also cost them their first-round draft pick, which also keeps a deserving college athlete from being drafted in the first round. Zero class in defeat. Prick.

This guy may be a football guru, but he embodies selfishness, underhanded tactics, and he looks like my big toe.

The Giants played 'em tough, smacked Tom "The Chin" Brady around, and hung in there to win it in the 4th quarter. THAT is Championship football. Good job Giants!

ONE MO' THANG...
American Idol commercials starring Ben Roethoelislioleolebergerloeer from the Steelers can gargle my butt oils. After muddling through his cheating victory over the Seahawks in 2006, he went out on his motorcycle and turned his big head too fast and his big head wrecked some poor woman's Volvo. He's no hero. Then again, he's a 24 year old multi-millionaire college dropout. So if YOU want to, go ahead and feel sorry for him.

Whaddup 34? How we gonna live, baby?
MANSIONS AND BENZES, GIVIN' ENDS TO MY FRIENDS AND IT FEELS STUPENDOUS.

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